Catch my heart before it shatters
by Zoetjetoch
Summary: What could have happened after the wedding... Will Christian and Syed find each other again, and a way to forgive each other and themselves?
1. Chapter 1

_Started writing this shortly after the wedding, while Syed was on his honeymoon. This is how I imagined and hoped things would turn out. Real storyline has moved on since then... There's a few more chapters to come. Hope you enjoy! Comments and reviews welcome... _

CHAPTER ONE

"We can't do this on our own any more Jane, it's just too much work. We need help."  
Syed swallowed hard, then blurted it out  
"We need Christian"

Jane looked at him incredulously "Christian?... You are not serious, are you?"  
"We have no choice" Syed said.  
"He won't do it" Jane insisted "Not after everything that's happened"  
Syed sighed. "I know. But it's the only way"  
"He won't do it" Jane said again. "We can't ask him. It's not fair on him. Do you have any idea how hard it would be for him?"  
"Of course I do!" Syed's frustrated answer came hard and fast. Then the sudden anger left him as quickly as it came, and he quietly said "Of course I know how hard it would be. It's not as if this is easy for me either, you know" He turned away and sighed.

Jane looked at Syed's slumped shoulders, and could only feel compassion for him. She knew Syed was struggling... hard. She couldn't remember seeing a single smile on his face since he came back to work after his honeymoon, six weeks ago now. Somehow he seemed always to move in slow motion, barely speaking, keeping his head down, his eyes averted... A few times she thought she saw him well up, when in a careless remark from her or Ian, Christian's name was mentioned. But he kept his emotions in check, especially when Zainab was around. Zainab, who eyed her son with suspicion and anger, and never seemed to have a kind word for him any more. It was heartbreaking – Syed and his mum had been so close. Once she'd seen Zainab noticeably wince when Syed unintentionally touched her hand, and Syed cringing at the rejection, withdrawing in himself, his face closing down, struggling hard to keep back the tears that formed in the corners of his eyes. Jane had felt like putting her arms around Syed's shoulders, stroking his hair like she did with Bobby when he needed comforting, and telling him to let it all out, instead of bottling everything up. But Zainab's overbearing presence, and her own loyalty to Christian stopped her from getting too close to Syed.

She knew her brother was struggling just as hard.  
How did it ever come to this?

Syed collected himself and turned around. He was still not looking at her, but his voice was firm.  
"Jane, I know it's not ideal, far from it, I know it's not fair on him and I know it's hard. But we can't go on like this any more"  
Jane wasn't sure if he was referring to the situation at work, or to the strained cease-fire between their two families.  
"We need help. Urgently. Christian needs a job. He knows the ropes, he knows the job. He's good at it. He can help us... You know it makes sense."

She did. The thought has crossed her mind as well, when two days ago, Syed arrived at work with the message that Zainab had taken to bed, being in the very last weeks of her pregnancy.  
Christian had popped in her head straight away. Now that Zainab's out of the picture, Christian can come back and help, she had thought. Then immediately dismissing the idea, when she realized she couldn't expect her little brother to face the man he loved, the man he lost, day in, day out,... be around him, look at him, listen to him, knowing they would never be together. It was impossible. She couldn't ask him to go through that pain every day... She'd put the business before his feelings once before, and she couldn't do it again. He'd been hurt enough.  
On the other hand, it was true, she and Syed couldn't manage all these orders on their own, that too was simply impossible.

She shook her head.  
"I know it makes sense Syed, but he just won't do it".  
"We won't know until we ask him. We can at least ask him"  
Jane finally gave in.  
"OK, you're right. We can always ask."  
She sighed "I'll do that now". She'd already started to untie her apron, but Syed stopped her.  
"No. I will ask him"  
Jane looked at him with surprise.

"It's only fair that I ask him. I know it's an impossible thing to expect of him. And he can only make an informed decision if I am the one who asks. We have to be honest about this. I owe him that at least."  
There was a definite resolve in Syed's voice – but then he turned around and ran a hand through his hair in that all familiar gesture of helplessness, and Jane's heart went out to him. Contrary to all her previous intentions, she walked up to him and put her hand on his shoulder.

He turned in surprise, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.  
"You OK?" she said  
He nodded, unable to speak.  
Then he sighed, "Better get it over and done with then", and with that he was gone.

Christian looked up from the magazine he'd been reading. Well, reading... hm, he'd been going over the same page at least 4 times in the past half hour, and if anyone had asked him what the article was about - for the world of him, he couldn't have answered it. He looked around his tiny flat, and shook his head. It was a mess. Well, a bit of a mess. Making a big mess just wasn't something he did. But around him signs of disarray were bearing witness to his state of mind. Clothes lying about on chairs, magazines strewn across the coffee table, tea cups sitting on the floor near the sofa, and the remains of his breakfast – that mainly went untouched – still on the dining table.

He couldn't bring himself to do anything these days. Even though he had all the time in the world, being unemployed and single, nothing peeked his interest. He was bored out of his mind. He couldn't bring himself to complete any task at all, couldn't concentrate on anything. Not even his favourite soap on TV, or the gorgeous male models in his favourite magazine. They just didn't interest him.

Only one thing on his mind.  
Syed.

Twelve weeks and counting...  
Had it been only twelve weeks since Syed at last said the words he'd been longing to hear for so long? "I love you" he'd said. At first Christian had thought he was hearing things, taking his dreams for reality, so quietly it was spoken. Syed's voice had sounded husky and insecure, but the look of love in his eyes was unmistakeable. Christian knew it was real. Syed loved him. They loved each other. All would be well.  
It was by far the happiest day of his life. He'd never felt this for anyone – and his feelings were reciprocated. All would be well.  
And then it all came tumbling down...

Ten weeks and counting...  
Ten weeks since Syed got married to Amira. And was lost to him forever.  
He'd had to let him go. It was the kindest thing he could have done for him. No way he could have humiliated Syed by outing him on his wedding day in front of his family and friends, his fiancé...  
It was his choice. That's what Sy had said. So if he really loved him, he had to let him make that choice. And so he had to let him go. Even though it broke his heart in a million pieces. It was the ultimate proof of his love for Syed. He had to let him go.  
But it hurt so much. Much more than he could ever have imagined.

Six weeks and counting...  
Six weeks now since Syed and Amira were back from their honeymoon. He'd done anything in his power to avoid running into them. But over-enthusiastic Amira had cornered him on the evening of their return, bragging about the wonderful time they'd had in the Maldives. He'd smiled automatically, and congratulated her with her tan, her new outfit... And all the while, in the corner of his eyes, he could see Syed behind her, uncomfortably shuffling his feet, his head bowed, doing everything possible to avoid looking in his direction.

And that's how it'd been ever since. Both of them painstakingly trying to keep away from each other. He'd heard from Jane that Syed had gone back to work. Carefully, not to hurt his feelings, she tried to avoid any mention of him. He hadn't asked. But when Ian, oblivious of course, had mentioned in a careless remark to Jane how Syed "doesn't quite seem happy enough for a newly-wed", Jane quickly changed the subject.  
"Not quite happy enough" - the words kept ringing in his ears. Not that he was surprised. In the few occasions he'd seen Syed across the square, he'd seen the signs. Head bowed, never smiling, Syed seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was like taking a blow in the stomach every time. Of course, he didn't exactly want – and certainly didn't expect - Syed to be happy with Amira, but Syed being unhappy wasn't something he could rejoice about either.

Why was it so bloody hard?

Christian sighed and closed the magazine. Time to get his act together, and at least try to restore some order in his life... He started gathering the empty cups and headed for the kitchen. The buzzer went.

Completely unsuspecting, he opened the door.

Syed.  
The sight of him literally took his breath away for a second.  
"What d'you want?"  
It came out harsher than he meant. But he couldn't handle this right now. This was the last thing he needed, now that he'd finally decided to move on.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

"I need to ask you something. Can I come in?" Syed said. His voice was wavering – already – and his eyes were painstakingly avoiding having to look at Christian, wandering shiftily from the floor to some unidentified spot over his shoulder.

He can't even look at me, Christian thought bitterly.

"I don't think there's anything more to say, is there?" he said, and started to close the door.

"Please" Syed said "I really need to ask you something"

Christian's patience was wearing thin, but when had he ever been able to refuse Syed anything? It frustrated him immensely, but almost despite himself he said "So ask away then".

"Not out here. Please. Let me come in."

"Not a good idea. What if your mother sees you? Or your... wife perhaps?"

He almost spit out the last words. Christian knew he was being bitter and childish. Not his style at all, but he lost the patience and the will to be polite and gracious a while ago. He just wasn't up for this right now.

Syed sighed, but didn't give in.

"Look. I know this is not what you want, it's not what I want, and I wouldn't be here if there was any other way. This isn't about... It's not about... It's... Well, it's about work. I need to ask you a favour... about work"

"Work?" Christian said, exasperated. Not a word in ten weeks, and now he wanted to talk...about work?

"I don't work at Massala Queen any more. In case you hadn't noticed"

"I know. It's just... we need... Come on, please, just let me in, we can't do this on your doorstep"

Finally Christian relented. What was the point of having this argument anyway? It was clear that Syed wasn't going away until he'd said his piece. Well, this firmness surely was a side of Syed he'd not seen often...If only he'd been as determined about other things, he thought bitterly.

He opened the door further and let him in.

It was the first time Syed set foot in the flat since their painful break-up, when his dad's accident had caused him to desperately deny and dismiss what his heart had been telling him for so long, and what he'd finally managed to voice to Christian the day before. Pushing Christian away again, seeing the horror, the pain, and the disbelief in the face of the man he loved, had nearly torn him to pieces, but he'd had no choice. After... he remembered running out the door, his knees buckling under him, home, to his room, where he fell on his bed, wanting to howl with the pain he felt, but instead of that, he had buried his head in his pillow and wept quietly until there were no more tears left to cry, and he finally dozed off in an exhausted sleep...

He shook his head to rid himself of any further thoughts of this. It was too painful. And it was done. Gone. Too late for regrets. He looked around in the flat, seeing the signs of Christian's fragile state of mind. He knew him so well, and an abandoned plate of untouched food on the table told him more than Christian's harsh words, or the bitterness in his voice.

Christian was falling apart. And it was his fault. He did this. He did this, to the one person who meant more to him that anyone or anything else in his life. He felt a lump in his throat, and tears making their way to the corners of his eyes. He willed them away, and reminded himself of why he came here today.

He became aware of the silence in the room, and looked up, finding Christian glaring at him with an unwavering blank stare. Syed blinked and quickly looked away.

"Now that you've had a good look around, and relished in the mess you've left behind... Why don't you just say what you came here to say, and then go..."

The tone in Christian's voice was as cold as ice, and for a moment all Syed really wanted was to up and leave. But he'd been doing too much of that already. He couldn't be a coward for the rest of his life. He came here for a reason, and he was going to do it, whether it was a good idea or not...

With his gaze firmly fixed on the floor, he finally asked the question he'd come to ask.

"I've come to ask for your help. Jane and I are not coping on our own at the unit. Mum..." he wavered at the mention of his mother, but then plunged on... "Mum's in bed because of the pregnancy, and there are so many orders... we just can't do it on our own any more. We need help and we thought that you might..."

His voice trailed off... With a sudden absolute clarity Syed realized what an impossible thing he was asking of the other man. How utterly thoughtless and disrespectful it was of him to ask Christian to put aside everything that happened between them, and come to ... what? ... chop some okra?

He let out a bitter chuckle, shook his head and said "Forget it" and started moving towards the door.

"Don't you dare leave now!" Christian's sharp voice made him stop. He turned around.

"Let me just see if I heard you right... You're here because you need help in the unit? You don't talk to me for months, you ignore me, you blank me out completely, treat me like a leper for weeks on end, and now... now you expect me to help you out? And Jane knows about this? My own sister thought this was a good idea too?"

"She didn't, but then she realized it was the only solution. Look, I know it's not ideal..."

"Not ideal? Are you completely out of your mind, Syed? Why do you think I left in the first place?"

Syed kept on looking at the floor. "Well...I thought it was probably too hard to..."

"Too hard? You must be joking! I didn't even wànt to work there any more! I have more self respect, Syed! Your mother calling me a freak, making snide remarks, and at every possible opportunity rubbing my nose in the fact that her beloved perfect son is now a happily married man, soon-to-be father, and that I'm just a sad lonely old man who's tried to corrupt her dear golden boy and failed at it miserably..."

"I'm sorry" Syed said, his voice trembling.

"Yeah, you are sorry... you say that a lot, don't you Syed? So, just out of curiosity, why do you think I would even want to help you or your mother out? After she even tried to ruin my sister's marriage, just out of spite for me. Well?"

Syed's head snapped up, and for the first time he was looking directly at Christian. "She did what? Try to ruin Jane's marriage... what...?"

He sounded completely surprised. As quickly as the temper inside him had flared up, Christian felt it wash away when he saw the total confusion in Syed's eyes.

He sighed "It's a long story. Let's not go there. Water under the bridge".

They stood there, staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Now that he had finally looked at Christian, Syed now felt how impossible it was to look away again.

Uncharacteristically, it was Christian who averted his eyes first. He turned away, walked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. Facing Syed again, he sighed and finally said, his voice now calm and void of any anger or bitterness.

"I can't come back to work, Syed. Surely you understand that. Even if I wanted to, I just can't. Not after everything that's happened." He shook his head "My God, do you have any idea what you're asking me?"

"I do" Syed said, "I do know what I'm asking and I do understand it's hard". He swallowed and added "It's not easy for me either"

Christian's anger flared up again. "Ha!" he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm "It's not easy for you either. Well, poor you! Now I'm supposed to feel sorry for you, or what...? Poor Syed with his perfect wife, his perfect marriage, his perfect family, his perfect... bloody life, and he's feeling ever so sorry for himself...!"

He saw Syed wince at these words, as if he'd been hit. A flash of despair ran over his face, but as quickly as it appeared, just as quickly did he cover it up with a look of impassiveness. As ever wearing his mask, Christian thought, and he felt a stab of regret.

They looked at each other in silence, and again it was Christian who looked away first. "Look, I'm sorry, OK... I shouldn't have said that. It was totally uncalled for. I do know that it's not easy for you either"

"No... it isn't" Syed said. "But you're right. I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have assumed that it was even remotely appropriate to ask this of you. I'm sorry. It was a bad idea. I won't bother you again."

As he turned to leave, Christian felt his heart sink. Syed sounded so defeated and down, it nearly broke his heart all over again. He so wished he could shake him awake. Wipe that sadness from his face, take that stupid mask away, and show him what a beautiful person he was and could be if he just let himself. But he couldn't move... it was too late. He closed his eyes and bowed his head in quiet defeat, bracing himself for the sound of the door closing behind Syed.

But instead it was Syed's voice that came back to him, raw now and full of emotion.

"I hate this. I really hate this! I... I just can't do it any more!"

Christian looked up. Syed had turned back from the door, and was standing in the middle of the room, stripped now of all his defences, looking straight at him with his beautiful dark eyes desperate and brimming with tears, the mask of indifference now finally gone... All Christian could see was pure emotion and it grabbed him by the throat.

"I hate that we are doing this to each other. I hate having to walk along the square with my head down, afraid I'll run into you, and afraid I won't, afraid you will speak to me, and afraid you won't, afraid to talk to you, afraid not to talk to you, afraid I won't know what to say, afraid that when I do, you won't say anything back. Afraid to look at you, afraid not to look at you, afraid to see you're still hurting, afraid to see you're not, afraid to discover that you can't move on, and afraid to find that you have... I hate having to smile and pretend and lie and say that everything is fine and well and I'm happy – when I'm not, I'm not, and you're clearly not either."

Tears were running down Syed's face. But he didn't sob, no hysteria... He just stood there looking straight at Christian. His voice calm and steady, so determined he was to finally say what he needed to say, and had wanted to for such a long time...

"And I miss you, Christian."

For the first time since the wedding, he said his name out loud. Christian felt his heart skip a beat by the sheer sound of it. He had always loved the way Syed said his name, different from how everyone else pronounced it, with a certain thoughtfulness to it, as if he was savouring every syllable...

He blinked as the memories threatened to overcome him.

But Syed was already pressing on.

"I miss you Christian. I miss the friend I had, that one person who knows me, inside and out, the only one who sees me as I really am, who understand me without me having to say a word. The one that makes me smile with just a look. The one I can be with without having to lie, without having to hide, without having to put up my defences, without having to pretend... The only one I can say this to. The only one who ... just knows...! I miss him, Christian. I miss that friend, MY friend, and I really... I really don't know how to live without him."

Christian looked at Syed speechless. His heart was beating so hard and fast he was sure Syed could hear it. He wanted to cry. Because no matter how beautiful the words were that Syed said to him, no matter how much he'd wanted to hear them, no matter how much they were heartfelt and sincere... it was simply too late.

He sighed, and stubbornly wiped away the tears that had started to roll down his own face. His voice and his heart breaking, he said:

"Don't you understand, Sy? I just can't. It hurts too much...I just can't be your friend any more. I can't"

"Do you think I don't know that!" Syed nearly shouted it. His despair was so palpable, it left them both stunned into silence.

They stared at each other for what seemed an eternity. Then Syed swallowed and ploughed on:

"Do you think I don't know what I did to you, Christian, do you really think I don't live with that regret every day? To know that I hurt you, hurt you beyond repair, that I destroyed the one thing that meant more to me than anything in the world. Do you think it's not killing me to see you like this, and to know there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to repair the damage I've done."

Hearing the regret and desperation in Syed's voice made Christian want to walk up to him, wrap his arms around him, and just cry with him. But he stopped himself, because he knew he couldn't allow himself to cross that line again. If he did, he'd find himself on the precipice again, and he knew would loose his balance and fall, and if he did, there'd be no coming back this time... he'd be lost forever.

Syed's face told him he knew all this too. They looked at each other in silence, quiet tears of regret running down their faces.

Then Syed wiped his face, took a deep breath, swallowed hard and said: "I'm really sorry that I came here to ask you this stupid favour, Christian. It was thoughtless and unfair. I'm sorry. I should have been... I wish... " He shook his head and gathered himself "I won't be bothering you again"

There was such a finality to his words and in his tone of voice, that it touched Christian to the very core of his being. How could he just let it end this way? Syed turned to leave, and before he could stop himself, Christian blurted out "Give me half an hour".

Syed, his hand on the door knob, turned, surprised. "What?"

"Give me half an hour to sort myself out, and clean myself up. I'll come and help you out at the unit"

"You really don't have to do this, Christian" Syed said

"Yes I do", he said, "I do. I have to do this. You're right. It's time we stop. I hate it too. I hate it and I'm tired of it. We're better than this. We're both adults, aren't we? Surely we can be civil to each other, forget our differences for a while, and help each other out." He took a deep breath. "Give me half an hour." he repeated "I'll be there."

"Thank you" Syed said. He could barely manage to say the words, as a rush of relief went through his body.

Then he left the flat, and quietly closed the door behind him.

"You're welcome" Christian said to the closed door.

He put his face in his hands, and asked himself what the hell he was doing.

He was falling already, falling... falling...


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Jane was still chopping onions as Syed charged back into the unit. He'd been in such a hurry to get away from the street, afraid that people would see how upset he was, that he hadn't remembered Jane being there. He quickly rubbed his eyes, as she turned, a question mark on her face.

"He'll be here in half an hour" he said, trying to avoid her eyes.  
"Christian's agreed?" she said incredulously.  
"Yeah, he has" Syed said. "He'll be here soon".  
She looked at him, and saw in his face that the conversation he just had with Christian couldn't have been an easy one. He quickly turned away.  
"I'll just get some paperwork done in the office first, shall I?" he said, trying sound cheerful, but above all wanting to escape further questions.  
But as he turned to walk into the office, trying desperately to compose himself, she called after him.  
"Syed" Her voice was kind. "are you OK?"  
"I'm fine" he said, trying as much to convince himself as to convince her. He smiled at her to confirm this statement, but the look of understanding on her face made the smile freeze on his lips. His eyes filled with un-spilled tears, brimming, but not yet falling.

He took a deep breath and blurted it out. "No, I'm not. I'm not fine, Jane" he said, his voice barely a whisper.  
She took two steps towards him, wordlessly put her arms around his shoulders and pulled him close.  
The nearness of another human being who cared, the warmth of someone's arms around him, the human touch he'd had to miss for so long...Syed could do nothing but let himself go. He wept. Not heart-wrenching sobs, but soft quiet tears fell from his eyes, as he mourned the loss of what had been, and never would be again, regretting words left unspoken, things left undone...  
Jane said nothing, just held him.  
As the tears subsided, Syed shyly pulled away. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I shouldn't have... ."  
Jane kindly touched his arm, and said : "It's OK, Syed. Things haven't been easy for you either."  
Syed shook his head. Jane's kindness left him awkward, but her smile and her touch were like a balm to his aching heart. "Thank you" he said. "It's just... you know..."  
"I know" she smiled.  
"Why are you being so kind to me, Jane ? Christian... he said something about my mother trying to ruin your marriage.. I don't know what she did, Jane, but I apologize for her. I'm really sorry, it's all my fault anyway... if it hadn't been for me... "  
"Hey" she said, "stop it, just stop it. You are not responsible for your mother's actions, Syed. Besides, whatever she tried, she didn't succeed. So it's all water under the bridge. Don't trouble your head about it."

"And what I did to your brother then? " he insisted. "How can you forget about that? How can you be so kind to me, knowing that I'm the one responsible for him... being in such a state! I've never seen him like this. He's different, he looks... broken, and I did that to him. I did. Me. It's my fault...!"  
"It's no one's fault, Syed. Despite all our best intentions, we all make decisions we regret, we all do things that end up hurting people, no matter how badly we try to avoid it, and then we'd like to turn back time and change it, but we can't, it's done, and there's nothing we can do about it. Don't beat yourself up. You're not helping Christian, and you're definitely not helping yourself, by piling guilt on yourself. You know he would never want you do this, to be so hard on yourself. There's no need."  
She kindly squeezed his shoulder, and Syed blinked away new tears that were threatening to fall.

Then a voice startled them both.  
"Anyone said they needed help? Rescue troops have arrived!"  
His voice sounded deliberately cheerful.  
"Christian!" Jane smiled "there you are! I'm so glad you've come. Thanks so much" She walked over to give him a hug.  
"You're welcome babe" Christian answered. He glanced over her shoulder at Syed, who miserably failed at averting his red-rimmed eyes.  
"Chopping onions, eh?" Christian said with a smirk "Gets me every time too"  
He smiled, but the smile never reached his eyes.

0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0

While they were slowly settling into their tasks, an uncomfortable silence hung in the unit. Christian and Syed desperately tried to ignore it, and each other. But that was hardly possible. At times, Christian lifted his head to find Syed staring at him, and quickly averting his eyes when he noticed he was looking back at him. Syed on his part found himself listening for Christian's usual humming or whistling, only to realize it wasn't there. Christian was missing the way light-footed Syed used to tiptoe quickly and efficiently around the unit. His steps were heavier now, his movements slower, as if he carried a heavy weight on his shoulders. Both remembered the days when silence between them was comfortable and pleasant, when being silent meant that no words were needed, because everything that needed saying had already been said, just by being together...

Jane was watching them both out of the corner of her eyes, and felt her heart bleed. She felt guilty, remembering how harsh she'd been to Christian when she told her he'd fallen in love with Syed. Over the past weeks and months, seeing Syed's heavy-heartedness at the unit, and Christian losing his usual sparkle and joie de vivre, she had come to the conclusion that for neither of them this had been just a fling. This was a matter of the heart, no doubt about it. Seeing them together right now, no words spoken, but their behaviour speaking absolute volumes, she knew in her heart that these two belonged together. What a tragedy it was that they couldn't be. The magnetism between them was almost palpable, no matter how hard they were trying to fight it or pretend it wasn't there. No matter how different everything was between them now, despite the awkwardness, and the silence, and almost despite themselves, it had taken them only minutes to settle back into old routines. Working together, they were still carrying out an almost invisible choreography, their movements still in sync, their bodies almost unnoticeably leaning towards each other, each seemingly knowing in advance what the other was going to do.

The silence however was getting almost unbearable for all three of them. Jane wished she possessed her baby brother's ability to throw in a light-hearted comment or an offhand remark at any given time to break the tension. But she didn't, and Christian's natural wittiness seemed to have withered away together with his good spirits.

Christian threw the last of the chopped tomatoes in the pan Jane was stirring. "That's that" he said, "shall I start on the okra, then?"  
"That'd be great, Christian", Jane said. "You'll have to go get them from the caff however, the deliverer messed up the orders"  
"I'll go" Syed said. He wiped his hands and rushed out the door, before either of them could react.

Christian sighed: "Can't get away from me fast enough, can he?" he said.  
"You know that's not what this is, Christian" Jane said "It's not easy for him, you know"  
"Well, it's not exactly a walk in the park for me either, is it?"  
"You're stronger than he is, Christian. You know that."  
"Yeah, I do" he sighed. "How I wish he'd been just a little bit stronger…."  
He looked at Jane. "I saw you two together when I walked in. Onions had nothing to do with it, did they?"  
She shook her head.  
"Thanks Jane, for looking out for him. I really mean that. I'm glad you were there for him, it's good he has someone... he can lean on. Damn it, Jane…. He looks so lost, and I wish I could….god… I wish…. " His voice quivered.  
"I know", she said.

The office phone started ringing, startling them both out of their thoughts. Jane nodded towards the pan, and said "I can't leave this… Could you…?"

Of course it had been a bad idea to pick up the phone. Christian knew that the moment he heard Zainab's voice. He'd answered the phone, happily chiming "Massala Queen, how can I help", when that all too familiar voice had burst into his ear.  
"Christian!" She spit it out like it was a curse. "What are YOU doing there? Didn't I tell you to stay away from my son!"  
He hardly had time to react. As she continued to scream the odds at him, he moved away the receiver from his ear, shrugging his shoulders to Jane in a silent bid for her advice, but she looked back at him helplessly."  
It was at that moment Syed walked back in. He saw Christian at the phone, the look of utter bewilderment on his face, and immediately realized what was going on. With a determination that even surprised himself, he gestured to Christian to pass him the phone.

"Let me deal with her" he said, as he ushered the other man out of the office and closed the door.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Syed put the phone to his ear, only to hear his mother hurling abuse, thinking it was still Christian at the other end of the line. He winced.

"Mum," he said "calm down, will you?"  
She shut up abruptly when she heard his voice, only to start again as soon as she'd caught her breath.  
"Syed" she yelled "explain yourself! What is that ghastly man doing at Massala Queen? Don't tell me he's working there again! Because I won't have it! I cannot accept it! I'd rather come and do it myself, on my own, and with my very last breath than have that… that... that horrid person spending time in the same room as you! I don't want him anywhere near….!"  
"Mum!" Syed interrupted, "will you just shut up and listen?"

That at last got her attention.  
"Yes", Syed said calmly, mustering up all the patience he could find, "Christian is working here again. He is helping us out. Jane and I just can't manage on our own. And Christian has been so kind to …"

"Kind? Kind? There is nothing 'kind' about that man!" Zainab interrupted. "I want him out of there! I want you to throw him out. I want you to sack him. And I want you to do it NOW!"  
Syed closed his eyes, and cleared his throat.  
"I won't", he said. He felt weeks of built-up frustration bubbling inside of him. He'd been holding it back for far too long, and it was threatening to all come to the surface now. But he forced himself to stay calm. He swallowed. "So far, Mum, I've done everything you wanted me to do. I've been a good boy. I married Amira - because you asked me to.  
I keep pretending everything is fine - because you asked me to. I keep lying to dad - because you asked me to.  
I've given up my happiness, Mum - because you asked me to...  
But THIS, what you're asking me to do now, I'm not going to do. This is where I draw the line, Mum. I will NOT sack Christian. I just won't."

"You will do as you're told!" she snapped. It sounded nasty "and if you don't, I will have to come and do it for you!"

"No. You won't" Syed said quietly and very determined.  
"No one will sack Christian. We need help. He's come to give it. After everything you threw at him, after everything I did to him, all the pain I caused him, he could so easily have refused, but he didn't. Because he's a good man. He's a better man than any of us could ever be. And furthermore, he's a friend. I will NOT sack him, Mum, and neither will you."

With all the calm he could muster, Syed quietly put the receiver down, and took a deep trembling breath. The determination he'd been able to hold on to throughout the conversation with his mother, was quickly wavering. His heart dropped and he felt a pinching knot in his stomach.  
So this is what it had come to, he thought. Mum screaming at me. Christian not even talking to me. And me... alone. Again. All alone...  
His knees buckled, and a soft cry escaped his lips. He tried to stifle it by putting his hand over his mouth, and shakily lowered himself into the chair. He knew he had to stay strong, with Jane and – especially – Christian probably watching him through the office window. And with the insulation in this place being what it was, he realized they had probably heard his every word – and the way his mother had been screaming, it wouldn't surprise him if they'd heard what she said too….

But staying strong was just impossible. The conversation with this mother had taken every last bit of energy and resolve out of him. He could feel himself starting to crumble. He buried his face in his hands, and finally gave himself over to his emotions.

0+0+0+0+0+0

Outside, in the kitchen, Christian was watching Syed, and felt his heart breaking. If it was still possible to break it even more, he thought cynically.  
Dear Syed.  
He knew him so well, he could read him so, every movement, every gesture, every look, every expression on his face... Across the room, through the wall, he could still sense Syed's anguish, as if it were his own.  
What's the point of denying it, he thought.  
It was simple, really.  
He just wanted to tear through that door, walk up to Syed and pull him close, lift him up, take his pain away...  
But it was impossible. Too late.  
Yeah, he chuckled bitterly to himself, just keep telling yourself that, Christian Clarke...

He sensed Jane watching him, and looked up.  
"Go to him" she said. "You know you want to"  
That caught him by surprise.  
"What I want doesn't matter" he answered, vaguely realizing Syed had once said something quite similar to him. Right here in this room. It seemed like an eternity ago."What I feel doesn't matter" he'd said. And then insisted "There is no you and me". That was before the physical attraction between them turned into something else, something so deep and unexpected, it had caught them both by surprise and turned their lives around.  
And then there had been a "you and me", the best time of his life... and he cherished every memory of every moment of it.  
But that was all a long time ago now. No "you and me" any more with Syed. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. He had to close his eyes as this realization hit him again, like a stab in the heart, as it had on the wedding day.  
Syed and him would never be "you and me" again...

As he let out a trembling breath, he became aware of Jane still looking at him, her eyes silently urging him to do what he so wanted.  
"I can't" he insisted stubbornly "If I do, he'll just break my heart again"  
"Yes, he will" she said "of course he will"  
He looked at her in surprise

"But you need to do this, Christian. He needs you. You know he does, and if you're honest to yourself, you know that you need him to. You have to do this. For him, and for you. If you don't go to him now, you'll never forgive yourself"  
So Christian found himself on the precipice again. As he watched the man he loved falling apart, he knew in his heart, in the remnants of his shattered heart, that Jane was right. He needed to do this. He needed Syed. Probably more than Syed needed him at this moment.  
And he was going to go to him, of course he was, and let his heart get broken all over again.

Over and over again.  
Because he loved that man.  
And he'd walk through fire for him.

He hadn't known love before Syed. He hadn't believed in love before Syed. All this rubbish about "the one"... that was not for him, it was not his style.  
And then came Syed. And everything changed. He changed. Became a better man.  
"He's a better man than any of us could ever be" he'd just heard Syed say to his mother. His heart had skipped a beat.

He blinked. Jane took his hand and squeezed it.  
"Go to him" she said again. Gently and reassuring.  
He smiled at her then, pulled her close in a brief hug, then turned around to face the door of the office. He took a deep breath, and went in.

0+0+0+0+0+0

Syed couldn't bring himself to look up. The room seemed to close in on him, as if the air in it might be used up soon and he wouldn't be able to breathe. He knew that at the other side of the window, Jane and Christian were watching him. Yet, he couldn't look up.

The door to the office opened and softly closed. Jane, he thought. She's so kind, she'll want to check if I'm OK. Not Christian. He won't, he can't… and who could blame him? Knowing he would have to face Jane, and ultimately Christian too, while they'd seen him like this, was a devastating thought, but it was inevitable. Still he couldn't move. With his hands still firmly over his eyes, his eyes shut closed, he murmured "I'm OK Jane, just give me a couple of minutes. I'll be OK. I'm fine, really…"

He felt the other person come closer, squat down in front of him, and then two strong hands grasped his and slowly pulled them away from his face… And the kindest of voices softly said "But you're not OK, are you, Syed? You're not fine"

His head shot up. "Christian!"

He could barely say it. Looking in that beloved face he knew so well, he felt he could hardly breathe. Christian looked at him with such kindness, the love shining through in his beautiful eyes, and Syed could barely stand it.

"You're not OK, are you, Sy?" he said again.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Syed couldn't take his eyes off Christian. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't breathe. He was drinking in the image before him like a starveling. Christian looked back at him with a steady gaze, his kind eyes full of tenderness and understanding.

"Come here". he said. His hands still locked around Syed's, he slowly, but gently but firmly drew him near.  
"Christian… no… don't!" it was almost a cry. Christian heard the despair in his voice, and he knew why, it's what he felt too. Doing this was going to whirl them straight back into a place they both couldn't afford to return to. But despite knowing that, he just couldn't bring himself to let go.

"Shhhh. Come here" he said again.  
"No… don't… You can't… Please!" Syed pleaded, but it was too late. Christian's strong arms were already around him, pulling him closer.  
His body rigid, Syed struggled…  
Against the determination in Christian's eyes, against every nerve and every muscle in his body telling him to give in, but most of all against his own heart that begged him to put his tired head on Christian's shoulder and finally feel safe again...

It was a futile struggle. They both knew that.  
"No... please, Christian" he cried again. But his body was trembling and his hands had already tentatively settled lightly, nervously on Christian's hips. Christian's hands soothingly caressed his back, and Syed felt a little of the tension drain from him, like a slow thaw. Finally, his own arms slipped all the way around Christian's waist, and he let his head rest against his chest. Warm. Safe.

"Just let it out Sy, just let go..." Christian whispered.  
And just like that, just with those simple words and the sound of that voice, which brought with it so many emotions he'd been trying to ignore, something snapped in Syed. Suddenly, all the tension inside him finally gave way. It was like a dam that broke. There were no more tears left to cry, but deep painful sobs shook his body. His face buried against Christian's broad chest, warm and hard and supportive, he felt all the resistance he'd built up disappearing into nothingness.

"Christian" he murmured "please, we can't …" His voice broke.  
Christian said nothing, just gently held him close. The fingers of one hand lovingly combed the muss of Syed's soft hair, massaging lightly at the base of his neck. With the other he rubbed the tensed muscles in his back in slow, comforting strokes.  
How long they sat there, locked tightly in that comforting embrace, neither of them could have said. It was as if time was standing still. Just being together again, in each other's arms, filled them both with the highest happiness and the most devastating despair. It was healing, and at the same time, it ripped their hearts to shreds. Once again.

0+0+0+0

It was Syed who finally pulled away, and Christian reluctantly let him go. Syed's red-rimmed eyes sought Christian's.  
"Why?" his voice hoarse from all the tears and emotion.  
"Why are you so kind to me? After everything I've done….  
He faltered.  
I … I hurt you so much, Christian… !" he murmured huskily and repentantly.  
"Yes, you did" Christian admitted. "You did hurt me. But you never meant to…"  
"Makes no odds. I still did it. You are too generous, Christian... I don't deserve your kindness, I really don't..."  
"Just stop it, Sy... " Christian said, not wanting to give in one iota to Syed's self-hate. "Of course you deserve it, you deserve it more than anyone in this whole world."

He kindly put his hand under his chin, and forced the other man to face him.  
"You know... Syed... What I said, just then at the flat... about not being your friend..."  
Syed looked away, but Christian continued, undeterred.  
"I lied"  
Their eyes locked.  
"I _am_ your friend, Syed. I am your friend and I always will be. No matter what. You know that. After everything and despite it all... when it comes down to it, I know in my heart, and you know it too, that I just can't... not be your friend"

Syed was lost for words. A sob escaped his lips as a wave of relief rushed over him. Christian pulled him close again, and this time Syed didn't struggle. He just let himself be held and comforted by the one man who knew him better than he knew himself. The man he'd so missed. His best friend.  
"I'm sorry, Christian," Syed whispered, his voice muffled as he leaned his head on Christian's shoulder. "I didn't mean to hurt you—that's the _last_ thing I wanted to do—I'm so sorry..."

Christian said nothing. He merely stroked Syed's hair soothingly, comforting him as if he were a small child in need of reassurance. Syed released a long, slow sigh, feeling a sense of calmness stealing over him, at long last. It had been weeks since he'd felt anything close to tranquillity. Christian's absence from his life had left him with a dull ache that nothing could soothe. And now he was in his arms again. Even if it was just for a short moment.  
"I'm here, Syed. It's all right now." Christian said. For several moments they stayed just as they were, each rocking gently within the grasp of the other, savouring the ache of being so close again, and yet so far.

Christian finally pulled back a little, reluctantly, but didn't let go completely. He rubbed the other man's arms in comfort. Syed kept his eyes cast down. He was still shaking with emotion, and struggled to blink away new tears.  
"I'm sorry", he said. "I just can't seem to stop crying today... I can't help it. It's just... everything..."

"What did she say?" Christian enquired gently.  
"Who? Mum? Well nothing really..." Syed choked back a sob at the memory of the conversation he just had with his mother.  
"Well, you know my mum. It wasn't very nice. But that's not it. It's just... I guess it was the last straw or something. Seeing you again... Talking... arguing.. then mum saying those dreadful things about you, and screaming at me again. I just... it just got too much"  
"I heard you defending me. You shouldn't have, Sy. I don't want you to make things worse for yourself."  
"Worse?" Syed chuckled bitterly. "Can't get much worse than this, can it? She doesn't talk to me any more. She screams. Always accusing. Always judging... She looks at me like I'm something she wiped off the bottom of her shoe. She..."  
His voice caught.  
"She doesn't even want to touch me. She won't let me come near her. And if I touch her, by accident, she flinches. She's my mother, Christian, and she flinches when I touch her! She hates me. My own mother hates me..."  
His voice broke, and a lonely tear ran down his cheek.  
Christian caught it with his thumb.

"She doesn't hate you, Sy. Just put that idea out of your head"  
"She does, she does... ! She can't even look at me..."  
"She does not hate you. She doesn't understand you, but she doesn't hate you, believe me."  
"Why are you... _you_ of all people... defending her?"  
"I'm not defending her, Sy, you know I'm not. Zainab and I, we'll never see eye to eye. But she's your mum, Sy. And mothers don't hate their children. Trust me, she doesn't hate you."  
"Well, it surely feels like she does"

Christian sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  
"It's all my fault. If I hadn't opened my stupid mouth. If I hadn't said anything..."

"Don't!" Syed looked up, and with a sudden fierceness that surprised them both, he said: "Don't ever apologize for that, Christian... Yeah, you're right, it was awful that she had to find out this way. And I was so angry with you. So angry at you for telling her. Things between me and my mother will probably never be the same again. But... I don't ever want you to apologize for telling the truth. In a really weird way... it's actually a relief that she knows. One person less to lie to... And I'm so tired of lying. So tired of it, Christian."

He sighed. Christian took his hand, and rubbed his thumb gently over the palm.  
"I know" he simply said "I know"

They just sat there for a little while, quietly enjoying the silence and savouring the comforting warmth of each other's company.

Finally it was Christian who broke the silence. He felt awful about spoiling the moment. Syed and he were finally talking again, really talking, and now he had to ruin it ...  
"I know my timing is abysmal," he said, "and I really wish I didn't have to bring this up right now... but... well, Jane's all on her own out there, and I think we probably should be thinking about helping her out. Those orders really need to get sorted..."

Syed looked up and gave him a tremulous, watery smile.  
"Yeah... you're right.

"But after..." Christian continued. "Afterwards, we'll talk. OK, Sy? Because we nééd to talk ... We really need to talk"  
"I'd like that... a lot" Syed said. "I'd really like us to talk. We must. But you're right, let's get this work sorted first..."

They both got up, somewhat embarrassed now at what had just happened between them. "I'll just go wash my face, freshen up" Syed said. And with one last longing look at Christian, he walked out of the office.

Christian sighed. He wasn't sure whether to laugh or to cry. Being so close to Syed was like opening up old wounds and picking at them. But at the same time, no matter how much this hurt, being separated from him, had been even more painful. Nothing felt worse than being separated from Syed.  
He knew he shouldn't get his hopes up. And being around him, did just that. Raise his hopes. And it was such dangerous ground.

But the truth of it all was simple.  
The crux of the matter.  
He wanted to be with Syed.  
If not as his partner, and not as his lover, then at least as his friend.

Even if it broke his heart.  
Over and over again.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Christian gently took the cloth out of Syed's hand. "I think that's clean enough now, don't you?"

Syed had been rubbing the same spot on the counter for the last 5 minutes now, as if he wanted to avoid the inevitable.  
"You're right," he said "it's done."  
If he was aware of the double meaning of his words, he didn't show it.

Christian gave him a little smile. "Get us something to drink then, shall I?" he said. He turned and walked into the office. "Go make yourself comfortable. Be right back"

They'd been working hard all afternoon. The atmosphere in the unit had lightened. It had nearly reminded him of the old – happier - days, and they had managed to get all the orders sorted in time. Another happy client was enjoying Masala Queen's excellent food. Jane had been exhausted, and he had sent her home, impressing on her she needn't worry, that he and Syed would sort out the mess in the kitchen. He didn't have to tell her twice. Apart from the fact that she was tired, she knew that he and Syed needed some time alone. So she'd given them both a well-deserved peck on the cheek, and headed home.

He went to find a couple of glasses and poured two drinks. Two orange juices. Syed didn't drink alcohol anyway, and he himself felt like he needed a clear head. They needed to talk, but he was apprehensive of what was going to be said. He felt as nervous as _a_ young kid heading to school for the _first_ time. That was so unlike him. Normally he was very confident, for once he clearly was not. It was a testament to how much all of this mattered to him, how much Syed mattered to him...

In the kitchen, Syed nervously paced backwards and forwards. He tucked his hands in his back pockets, like he always did when he didn't know what to do with himself.  
"Let's clean up first, and then we'll talk", Christian had said.  
Syed wanted to talk.  
It was time they talked.  
But he had to admit to himself that he was afraid. Afraid his emotions would run away with him. During the time they'd been together Christian had gotten so far under his skin and into his life that it was like they were a part of each other. Christian could read him so well, and it unnerved him. How would he be able to say the things he wanted...needed to say? He felt so emotional already, just being in the same room with him. He combed his fingers through his hair nervously; he needed to sit down, calm himself... He slumped down on the floor. It was only when he sat there that he realized that nearly automatically, and almost despite himself, he'd chosen the exact same spot where he and Christian had sat before, in what now seemed like a lifetime ago. He remembered every word of that conversation, so many times he'd played it back in his head. But he couldn't bring himself to move away. It was strangely comforting to be here again. He wondered if Christian would remember too.

Christian took a deep breath and walked back into the kitchen, only to find Syed sitting on the floor, his back against the fridge. That so familiar sight and the memory of it, hurled him back into the past like a whirlwind, and nearly took his breath away. He blinked, pushing back the unexpected tears.  
Syed didn't see his reaction, as he was sitting there, his head down, staring at his hands. He's as nervous as I am, Christian thought, and his heart went out to him. Without a word, he slid down on the floor next to Syed, and passed him his drink. Here they were again.

"Here we are again" It was Syed who said it out loud.  
"Yep, just like before." Christian agreed.  
"You remember?" Syed asked – his mouth was dry.  
"Of course I remember" Christian answered "I remember everything you said to me that day"  
His voice caught. This wasn't going as expected. Just one memory and he was lost already.  
"Everything…" Syed said, barely audible.  
"Of course. Everything. You told me that day what you wanted from life, didn't you? What was it? A beautiful wife, gorgeous kids…. To be someone. To be respected…. So there you are; you nearly have it all now, don't you?"  
There was no bitterness in Christian's voice, only resignation. Syed felt tears in his eyes.  
"You should be careful what you wish for" he whispered.  
He sounded devastated. Christian could feel a pang of sadness rip through him.

"You're not happy, are you, Syed?" he quietly said.  
"I am!" the denial came fiercely and fast. "I _am_ happy…!" but his voice quivered, and when he risked a look sideways and caught Christian's eyes, peering right through him, straight into his heart, he knew it was no use pretending any longer. All the resistance just flooded out of him.  
His eyes dropped and he looked away.  
"I never could lie to you, could I, Christian? Here, that day, nearly a year ago, on this very spot, I realized that. And I've never been able to lie to you since…"

He swallowed, then blurted it out.  
"No... no, I'm not happy. You knew that. You knew it was going to turn out like this. You told me. And I didn't listen. I just should have listened…"  
The tears were coming hard and fast now. Syed didn't know where they kept coming from. He had thought he had no tears left to cry. He didn't try to hide them or wipe them away. He was just too tired of pretending.  
"I just should have listened. And now… now, I'm trapped. I'm trapped, Christian. And there's no way out."  
His voice broke. Devastation filled his heart like a lump of concrete that weighed down on his chest and suffocated him.  
Christian so much wanted to put his arms around Syed's shoulders to comfort him, but instead he just reached out to take his hand. Syed pulled it back though, as sudden anger overtook him. "I should never have given in!" he said hotly. "I should never have let my mother bully me into going ahead with the wedding. I told her I couldn't. I told her I didn't want to...!"

Christian felt his throat tighten; he couldn't believe what he was hearing.  
"Do you mean... you told your mother that... before the ceremony?" he asked incredulously.  
Syed needn't reply, his eyes told the truth. He nodded.  
"And she still let you marry…?"

Syed swallowed hard. The words nearly stuck in his throat.  
"I told her everything. I begged her. I begged her to help me, Christian. To give me time, to postpone… cancel the wedding even. I knew in my heart I couldn't… shouldn't go through with it"  
"And yet you did..."  
"Yeah, I did" Syed sounded miserable. "It was all such a mess…"  
He whispered so low Christian had to strain to hear him.  
"When you rang me to say that you told her, I felt as if my world was coming apart. And I was so angry with you. So angry. I couldn't believe you'd done that. After you promised…" He shook his head.  
"And so when mum confronted me, I denied everything, I denied you... Of course I did. I told her you'd tried to… that I'd been tempted, but that that was all, that nothing had actually happened…"

At those words Christian recoiled like he'd been slapped. Even though they were not touching, and Syed wasn't looking at him, he could physically feel Christians instinctive reaction, and it cut straight through his heart.  
"I'm sorry, Christian," he whispered. "I know what you think. How could I? How could I deny what happened between us? But you know I'm a coward. I was scared. This was supposed to be the most important day of my life. Instead, my world came crumbling down, so I did what I always do when the going gets tough… I run and I hide!"  
The self-loathing came through in his voice.  
"But then… mum… she… she started to say things about you. About what you told her. About how you said it was love that had happened between us... you said it was love…." It was barely a whisper. "And she dismissed it, she ridiculed it… as if it were… an abomination, a fantasy, a figment of your imaginations... As if it was... nothing."

"That woke me up, Christian. How could she speak about you like that? How could she say that what we had was nothing? How could it be nothing… when it meant... EVERYTHING to me...?"  
"And I just couldn't stand it any longer, I just shouted at her to stop saying those dreadful things. She looked at me then, and she knew. My face told her that what you had said to her was true. And I couldn't hide and run any longer, Christian. So I finally told her the truth..."

He swallowed.  
"I love him, I said. I'm gay and I love him!"

The words catching in his throat, Syed gave a strangled sob. He could feel Christian's hand taking his in the most gentle, reassuring way. He risked a look in his direction. Christian's eyes were brimming with unshed tears. He didn't speak, but his touch was filled with such emotion, Syed thought he was going to burst.

He struggled on.

"I told her then that I couldn't go through with the wedding, I begged her to help me. But she dismissed it. I asked her if that was what she wished for me… to hide from myself, to live a lie, to fight against myself, for the rest of my life... But she just didn't listen; she couldn't even stand to look at me… And when I asked her if she would still love me, knowing what she now knew… she turned away from me in disgust. I knew then what I had to do. There was no other way... My future was clear… If I wanted to keep the love of my family… of my mother... I was going to have to run and hide for the rest of my life. I had to get married to Amira. And so I did. And here I am… a married man now. And I'm still running and hiding, Christian, I'm still running... And I'm so tired of it…" He let out a quivering sigh.

Christian fought back the impulse to pull Syed close. He just held on to his hand, grasping it firmly in his own, as if trying to pass on through it, all the strength he himself had inside. He didn't say a word, knowing it was time for Syed to come to terms with his own demons, to admit to himself what he needed to acknowledge…

Syed finally looked up again. His eyes were pleading now, the question on his lips that he had been asking himself for so long, the one that kept him awake at night and filled him with despair.

"Why didn't you stop me, Christian? Why didn't you stop me? You should have. You could have, so easily. You were there, right there, at the exact right moment... You knew… You could have stopped me. Just one word… one word was all it would have taken. And everything would have been different. Why didn't you….?"

So finally there it was.  
The crux of it.  
The question that had been hanging between them for so long now.  
Unasked.  
Unanswered.

Christian swallowed, clasping Syed's hand with as much strength as he dared.

"I couldn't Sy." he simply said."I just couldn't…"

"You're right. I was there, at the right moment…. But what could I do? Out you in front of that room full of people, your family, your friends, the whole community…? When it came down to it, I just couldn't do it to you. And if I had, you would never have forgiven me for it; you would have ended up resenting me. And that… I could not have lived with that, Syed. Your resentment, that would have been even worse than this. At least now, I can still look you in the eye…."

His voice was barely a whisper.

"And in the end, Sy… as you said, it was your choice. Ultimately, it was _you_ who had to make it. No matter what me, your mother or anyone else said or wanted. It was your call. Part of me hoped that you seeing me, that me being there, would be enough, would give you enough strength to do what I wanted you to do. But you had already made your choice, and when I saw you sitting there, surrounded by everything and everyone important in your life, I knew deep down – as well as you knew it – that nothing I could have said or done would make you change your mind. I didn't understand it. I'm not sure I understand it now. But it was your choice to make. And you made it."

Christian untangled his fingers from Syed's grasp, and furiously wiped the tears he now couldn't stop. The utter despair he had felt at that moment, standing there in that room, hearing Syed speak the words that committed him to marriage and to Amira, came back with a vengeance and clawed into his heart.

Unable to watch the man he adored in such pain, Syed stared right ahead. His voice strained with emotion, he said:  
"My choice. Yes. It was... But the wrong choice. I know that now. I should have listened. To you, to my heart... I'm so sorry, Christian."  
"Don't be"

The echo of those words Christian had spoken on the wedding day brought back such vivid memories it left them both speechless. Then Christian turned back to Syed and took his hand again.

"Don't be sorry, Sy. You did what you felt you had to do. It's done. You acted on your beliefs and took the consequences. I may not understand your choices, but I understand you. I've forgiven you. You should forgive yourself."

"I can't" Syed admitted.  
"That's just it. I can't forgive myself…"


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

How long they'd sat there in silence, holding hands, each caught up in their own thoughts, neither of them could have said. Despite his despair, Syed felt more at peace than he had done in a very long time. The warmth of Christian's fingers entwined with his own, gently rubbing his skin, calmed him down and gave him strength, strength he could hardly remember he possessed.

He made a decision. It was time. Time to say it all. There was no one in his life he could say it to, except for Christian. And he needed to say it. Christian needed to know. He wanted Christian to know. He cleared his throat, and with a voice that sounded more confident than he felt, he said

"I need to tell you something, Christian. I want to explain. I want to explain to you why I took the decisions I took…"  
Christian shook his head. "You don't need to explain, Sy. It's done. I've forgiven you. That's all there is to it…"  
"_No!_" Syed interrupted hotly "I have to explain! I want… I _need_ you to know! Please!"

Something in the other man's voice told Christian how important this was for Syed. Whatever it was that he needed to get off his chest, it meant a huge deal to him. And he wanted to share it with him. His heart skipped a beat.  
He squeezed Syed's hand. "OK" he said gently "Tell me. You can tell me anything. You know that…"

Syed swallowed hard. His determination and his courage already withering away… Suddenly he was unable to stand Christian's nearness and his patience any longer, and he pulled away his hand, and scrambled to stand up. But Christian wouldn't let him. He put his hand on Syed's arm and quietly soothed him.  
"Don't run away now, Sy" he said. "You said you needed to tell me something. Tell me. I'm here. I'm listening…."

Syed sank back on the floor, took a deep breath and let out a shivering sigh. He closed his eyes as if looking for inner strength, brought his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around himself. With his eyes now firmly fixed on the floor, he swallowed again and started to speak.

"Do you…. Do you have any idea, Christian… what it's like… what it's like to be alone? To be completely and utterly... alone…?" His voice was shaking already, and when he blinked a lone tear meandered over his face.

Christian looked at him intensely, but didn't speak; he knew instinctively that whatever it was that Syed was about to tell him, it was something that affected him deeply, and that the most important thing now was to let him get it all out.

"I know what it's like, Christian. I know because I lived it… for 4 whole dreadful years..."

He shook his head, swallowed, then started again… "Do you have any idea… what it's like to be an outcast? To be pushed out of your own life. To have everything that defines you taken away from you, every security, every support, every truth, your family, your friends, your community… Gone, all of it. To know that your life the way you've known it, is gone… forever. Because… for your family, your mum, your dad... you don't exist any more. You're not there, you're... dead...!"

His voice caught. Christian felt the almost physical urge to reach out and put his arms around him, but he held back. He knew Syed just needed to tell his story, to come to terms with the demons of his past. Only that way would he ever be able to heal.

"I did a stupid thing. I was young and stupid and thought I knew it all. I stole from my parents, and nearly ruined them. For that stupidity I was punished. I deserved to be punished. I knew that. But, what I didn't know was how it would be like"

"You're alone Christian. So bloody…alone… No one to talk to. No one to be with. Just… you… by yourself... alone…."  
"You walk down the street, and no one will greet you. If you meet a relative on the street, it could even be your dad or your brother, they'd cross over to the other side, so they would not have to look at you. You don't exist, you're dead for them."  
"You can't ring anyone, because if they hear your voice, they will put down the phone. Because you're dead for them.  
You can't write, because you know your letter will be left unopened and unread. Because you're dead for them.  
It's your birthday, and no one calls you, or sends you a card.  
It's the holidays and everywhere people are together, and you are alone.  
It's Ramadan, and you observe alone.  
You go to mosque and you pray … alone...  
Always and everywhere, alone "

Syed swallowed hard.

"But somehow... life goes on. You breathe, you eat, you sleep, you live… but you don't, not really, because you're dead... A week passes, then a month.  
And you breathe, you eat, you sleep… even though you're dead.  
And somehow, you don't know how really, you start building a life again… breathing, eating, sleeping…. You meet some people who don't know the truth about you, they don't know that in fact you don't exist... And so you talk, you work, you live a life… it's half a life, a quarter of a life… but it's a life nevertheless. And one day you find yourself smiling again, and you're sort of OK,…

Syed caught his breath. A small sob escaped his lips.

"So you eat, you sleep, you breathe, and somehow it doesn't hurt as much. Months turn into a year, and before you know it, you've been living that half life, that quarter of a life for so long it doesn't even feel alien any more. It's just how it is. It's not that you forget… you never forget. At night when you're alone, when you're surrounded only by shadows and dreams of the past and memories that haunt you...you miss them. You miss it so much... to be part of a loving family, to be surrounded by friends and people you can build and rely on. Not by strangers who don't really know you and don't understand you. Sometimes you sit in a group of people, and they're laughing and having fun, and you're smiling too, because it's what's expected... Well, you're quite a jack-the-lad really, aren't you... But it's like you're observing someone else, it's not really you…."

"But it's still your life. You live it. You accept it. It's yours. It's all there is. It's all you have. So you live it…"

"And then…. Then…."

Syed couldn't continue. This was it. He'd come to the point of no return. He'd put his heart and soul out there, for Christian to see…. His deepest darkest hour. But for Christian to fully understand him, he had to put it all on the line. He needed to tell him the truth that had been haunting him for so long, and from which he'd been trying to hide all that time.

He swallowed. He had to say it. He had to tell Christian. But maybe more than that, he had to face it himself. To face that moment, the reason, that brought him to this, to now, to this exact point in his life. He'd only come to realize it himself just recently, when all his sleepless nights at Amira's side, all the tossing and turning, the churning and praying had led him back to that one defining moment in his life.  
And he still hadn't wanted to face it, not really.  
But it was time now. It was time.

When he finally continued, he was barely audible.

"Three years on, I still live that life. Breathing, eating, sleeping… pretending most of the time to be fine… and being fine most of the time… fine, but just that, nothing more…. It's a Monday afternoon, and I find myself in London, a part of town where I hadn't been for ages. Can't even remember why I was there… But it's a Monday afternoon, rush hour, and I'm there…. And I get on a bus. And…"

The memories were so vivid, they grabbed him by the throat and threatened to choke him.

"And there they are... On that bus. There they are. My parents...!"

"I hadn't seen them for three years. Three whole years, without a word, without a sign. And there they are. On that same bus…. And every cell in my body screams out at me to go to them, fall on my knees, plead to them to forgive me, to take me home... I want to beg my mum to take me in her arms, to tell me the nightmare is finally over, that everything is allright again"

Tears were streaming down Syed's face. He was so caught up by the shadows of the past that he wasn't even trying to wipe them away. He was speaking rapidly now, breathlessly, in a flood of words he couldn't hold back any more, like he was in a trance filled with memories.

"But I can't. I can't and I mustn't. They see me..., of course they see me! But dad is still angry and looks away like I'm a shadow that's blocking his sunlight, and mum... she can't even acknowledge that I'm there. She can't and she mustn't. She's loyal to dad. She has to be. I know that. I understand that. She can't talk to me, she can't put her hand out to me, she can't even nod in my direction or wave a hello. She just slowly bows her head and stares at her feet."

Syed took a deep breath. He hardly seemed aware of Christian's presence.

"I stand there in that bus, and there's people all around me, the world is moving on, but mine is standing still. I can't move. And the moment lasts only seconds, but it seems like an hour. People are bustling around me, pushing and shoving, I'm in their way… And then there's nothing for me to do except take a seat, away from them, behind them, so they won't have to look at me. I sit there and watch them. I watch my dad, facing the window, pretending nothing just happened … but his jaw is working, he's blinking fiercely and I saw before I moved away how his hand squeezed my mum's really hard. I see her from aside, I see her struggling, in the way she stubbornly squares her shoulders, raises her head again, and proudly holds it high. And the bus ride takes forever, and I watch them, and then it hits me that it wasn't anger or shame that made my father look away, that made my mother ignore me. It's pain. It was in their eyes…. in that millisecond before my dad turned his head, in the instant before my mother bowed her head. I feel their pain just oozing out of them, and it kills me. It kills me, Christian – I don't know how, how it can kill me, because…. I'm already dead, dead inside…. But it does. It kills me. Because it's my fault. I did that to them. I did this to my family. I'm the one that's responsible for all this pain. Me. No one else"

"And right there, right there and then, I make a decision. I take a vow. I promise to my God, to my mother and my father and to the whole world, that if I ever, ever get a second chance, I will never ever cause them pain like that again. Not ever. Because it's the worst thing ever, what I did to my family is the worst thing anyone could ever do to anyone else"

Syed rubbed his eyes…

"And I got my second chance, Christian. I came home."

He finally looked at Christian. He swallowed hard.

"So there you have it. The truth of it. Because, Christian... when I ended up having to make a choice… between them and you… It breaks my heart... But you…you just didn't stand a chance, Christian…."

His voice broke, but he didn't look away any more. He needed Christian to hear. All of it.

"Because when it came down to it, I just could not break the promise I made to myself that day on that bus. I couldn't, even if I wanted to…"  
"I knew… I just knew that there was absolutely nothing worse than hurting my family like I had. It was the worst, the most horrible thing I could possibly do... And the feeling I had when I realized what I'd done was the worst I could possibly ever experience.. "

"That's what I thought… at least…"

He finally broke.

"Until I did it to you ….  
I did it to you, Christian. And it nearly killed me…!"


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

Where the tears kept coming from was a mystery to them both, but neither of them could stop them from flooding. Christian's strong arms enveloped Syed, and Syed hung on to him as if for dear life. Painful sobs shook his body. There it was. He finally said it. All the hurt and grief of those four horribly lonely years was finally released. He'd kept it inside for much too long. Trying to be strong, bottling it up, trying to deny it was there… but all the while it had been festering inside, and had made him in the man he was now, shaping his every decision, his every doubt, his every desire… his whole life and his future.

And Christian just held him and wept with him, quiet tears for the pain Syed had suffered, for himself, because he knew Syed was right… he hadn't stood a chance against emotions that ran this deep. And he still didn't. He knew that now.

"_I did it to you, Christian, and it nearly killed me_"

The devastation in Syed's voice had been so raw, it felt to Christian as if someone had taken a knife and cut right through his heart. If he'd had any doubts about Syed's true feelings for him, those few words just wiped them out completely. The tragedy of their loss had struck Christian like a sledgehammer. No longer able to resist the urge to hold Syed, he'd wordlessly reached out and, undeterred by Syed's desperate attempts to pull away, he'd drawn him near.

"I'm glad you told me" he finally managed "I only wish you'd told me before"  
"Why?" Syed sobbed, "what difference would it have made?"  
"I would have understood you better. I would have been more patient. I wouldn't have pushed you so hard…"  
"I still would have made the wrong choice" Syed's voice was full of self-loathing.

"That's just it. There was no wrong choice, Sy" Christian soothed him. He gently wrapped his hands around that face that was so dear to him, and tenderly brushed the tears away.  
"There was no right choice either. Whatever you did, it was going to devastate you. Choosing your family and pushing me away or pushing your family away by choosing me... no matter what decision you made, it was going to tear you apart. I understand that now. I wish I had before"

He put his hand under Syed's chin, and made him face him. Those beautiful eyes brimming with tears finally locked with his.

"The tragedy of it, Sy, is that you should never have had to make such a choice in the first place. No one _ever_ should be forced to make a choice like that. The fact that _you_ had to, that is the true horror of this. And I didn't see that. Now I do. And I'm so sorry."

Syed stifled a cry as realization finally hit home.  
Christian's strong arms enveloped him again. Almost automatically, Syed tried to resist, but he soon exhaustedly settled into the other man's warm embrace, resting his tired head against his chest. They stayed like that for a while, finding comfort in each other's closeness, while mourning the loss of something that they knew could never be again.

*0*

Syed's phone ringing startled them both.

"That'll be mum", Syed said apologetically, reluctantly pulling away from Christian's arms. Fleetingly, Christian was amused by the fact that it didn't even occur to Syed that it could also be his wife calling him. It said a lot about his marriage to Amira. It also said a lot about his mother.  
Syed was wiping his eyes, and grabbed his mobile.

He cleared his throat. "Hello Mum" he said.  
"Syed! Where are you?" Christian could hear Zainab's sharp voice as loudly as if she was in the same room with them. "Don't tell me you're still in the unit… with… with that… that man! Alone with him! I saw Jane coming home hours ago… and you… you're still there… with … him!"  
Syed rolled his eyes at Christian. It was strange for Christian to see that reaction, Syed not taking his mother too seriously was a novelty. Especially after the conversation they'd just had. Zainab had always had a firm hold on her son. It looked as if Syed had meant it when he said he was tired of pretending.

"Yes Mum" Syed said very calmly "I'm still here in the unit. With Christian. We cleaned up. And now we're talking."  
"Talking!" Zainab yelled. "I bet you are! I can just imagine what that man considers to be 'talking'! I want you to stop it right now, I want you to leave there and come home. Now!"  
"I'll come home when I'm good and ready, mum" Syed answered. "Christian and I are doing nothing wrong. We're talking, I said. Talking, mum. You have heard of the concept of talking, I presume…?"  
"How dare you speak to me like that!" she screamed. "I'm your mother. You should show me some respect! It's that …person, setting you up against me, against your family. Come home Syed. I mean it! You come home now, or else…!"  
"Or else what, mum?" Syed interrupted. "Honestly, you can't tell me what to do any more. I'm a grown man, and if I want to talk to Christian, I will, whenever I want to, wherever I want to, and for as long as I want to. Christian's my friend" He glanced at Christian, who smiled encouragingly. "No matter what you think"

Zainab started to say something else, but Syed had already pressed the "off" button on his phone. Before he could even put it back in his pocket, it started ringing again. Exasperated, Syed rejected the call, and switched the phone off completely. He looked up to see a mildly surprised look on Christian's face.  
He gave him a feeble smile. "It's time _she_ listened too" he said. But the sadness in his eyes told Christian that his determination was already wavering…

*0*

"Have you ever talked to your parents about what you just told me? Christian asked quietly. "About how it was like for you to be alone all those years? Do they even have a clue about how you struggle with this?".  
"No." Syed shook his head. "I can't. I can't talk to them about it. It will just hurt them again. It will bring back all the pain I caused them… I just can't…."  
Sweet Syed, Christian thought. Always putting everyone else's feelings before his own. Even after the awfully humiliating conversation he just had with his mother, he still considered her feelings first and only last his own. It spoke volumes about the kind of man he was.

"And what about _your_ pain, Sy?" he said gently. "What about _you_? You carry this inside of you, and it tears you apart. You need to tell them what you feel. They're your parents. They love you. Talk to them about it. Get it out in the open. You will feel better, trust me."

Syed looked up, and managed a watery smile at Christian. Almost despite himself, and ignoring all the alarm bells going off in his head, he reached up and gently stroked Christian's worried face.  
"I already feel better" he admitted. "Because I told _you_. Because you listened"

Christian pulled him close again. He planted a kiss on Syed's head and closed his eyes. As the warmth of Christian's touch enveloped him, Syed could feel a slow sense of calm steal over him. It felt so good to be together again. He realized with a rush just how much he had been starving for it.

"So what do we do now?" he asked quietly.  
"We hang on to what we've got" said Christian with a sigh.  
"Which is what, exactly?"  
"This"  
Syed looked up. "What… A few stolen moments together?"  
"Friendship" Christian said.  
"Friendship. But… is that enough? What if it's not enough? I… I don't know if it's enough, Christian..."  
"It has to be, Sy. It's all we've got" Christian admitted, with pain in his voice. "It's all we _can_ have"

Syed was silent for a moment, then looked up at the man he loved.  
"Are you really my friend, Christian?" he sounded so vulnerable and sad.  
"I am" Christian gave him the tenderest of smiles. "Count on it"  
Syed let Christian envelop him again in his strong arms. "Thank you" he murmured, and closed his eyes.

*0*

Suddenly Syed stirred in Christian's arms. He backed away and looked up.  
"Why are we doing this?"  
Christian heard Syed's breath draw in like a sob.  
"Why are we doing this?" he asked again, hotly now. "Why am I doing this… to you? And why do you take it?"  
Christian looked at him with a puzzled look.  
"I mean… I hurt you, I break your heart. I rip it apart! Then I … I turn up on your doorstep, falling apart myself... You catch me, you pick up the pieces, you put me back together again and then… then I … what? … say thank you very much, leave you again and go back to my perfect little 'virtual' life... breaking your heart all over again? How can I do this to you? How? And you…, you just take it! Why do you take it, Christian? Why?"

Christian smiled a little, and brushed a way a stubborn lock of hair from Syed's forehead.  
"You know why."

So there it was. It was simple really. The truth, unspoken, but yet so real. It caught Syed's breath.

"You can't!"  
"I can. I can and I do. You know I do…."  
"You shouldn't… you… I keep hurting you, Christian. Why do you… ? Why? You should _hate_ me! Why don't you hate me?"

"Oh, but I do" Christian admitted.

This caught Syed by surprise. His anger dissolved in an instant, and he swallowed hard, as his worried eyes searched Christian's face…  
But Christian's voice was kind. "I do hate you sometimes, Syed. I think of what could have been, of what we could have had, if you'd just been a bit…stronger, a little braver… a little less….."  
"Of a coward" Syed said.  
"A little less scared… I think of all the things that could have been different, and then I do hate you. I do."

He swallowed.

"And then I realize it's all part of you. So maybe you're not as strong, or as brave as I would like you to be. But that's you. That's part of who you are. And then I know that all the reasons I hate you are part of the reason I love you. And even when I do hate you, I know that in fact I can't… I can't hate you, Syed. I love you too much."

A single tear ran down his face. As if leading a life of its own, Syed's hand reached up and gently wiped it away. Their eyes locked, and they lost themselves in the moment.

Then Syed couldn't hold it back any longer. He'd been fighting it, denying it, neglecting it, repressing it for so long. And now he just had to face up it. The truth.

"And I... I can't…. I just…. I can't NOT love you, Christian" he whispered.

A strange mixture of relief and despair rushed over Christian. The truth cut through his already shattered heart, and despite all his efforts, he couldn't keep up the pretence any longer. He finally allowed himself to feel the pain and fall apart. He cried. For himself and for the man he so desperately loved, and who loved him back, but would never be his.

Syed pulled him near, and quietly wept with him.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

It had been over four weeks now since he and Syed had had their momentous conversation in the unit, and Christian didn't really know how to feel. Part of him rejoiced in the new bond he'd managed to build with Syed. Their talk had built an understanding between them that was unequalled by anything he had ever experienced. On the other hand, he felt completely torn, being so close to Syed and yet feeling so far apart.  
He wanted Syed in his life.  
And Syed was in his life, but not the way he wanted him to be.

It was so bitter-sweet being around him, and not being able to be together properly, hold him, touch him… kiss him…  
They were just friends.  
Close friends for sure.  
But still only just friends.  
And wherever they turned, there was always Zainab's accusing look following them around. She hadn't tried any more to convince Syed into sacking him, nor had she attempted again to forbid Syed to spend time with him. A quiet but very angry cease-fire had developed between mother and son. And all the while they were keeping up the pretence for Masood, Tamwar and – above all – for Amira, who were still blissfully oblivious to all this drama that went on around them.  
Zainab had had her baby two weeks ago, a new little baby brother to Syed, they named him Kamil. Syed was so proud of his little brother, but his eyes had clouded over when he told Christian how his mother wouldn't let him be alone with Kamil. "As if I have a contagious disease" he'd choked "as if me holding my brother will make him unclean, or something… Dirty, like me" Christian had just listened and tried to comfort him, but he knew there were no words that could make this any better for Syed. He silently cursed Zainab for her bigotry. Didn't she see what she was doing to her son? Her son who literally worshipped the ground she walked on… Who had given up everything for her. It still wasn't enough….

He'd encouraged Syed to talk to his parents about the 4 years he'd been alone, thinking this would probably build some more understanding with Zainab. But Syed had stubbornly refused. "I can't" he kept saying "I just can't bring all that hurt back to them."

He'd actually considered confronting Zainab himself again, but he knew that was the last thing Syed would want – and that was supposing Zainab would even want to listen to him…

And then there was Amira. She was still like a hovering presence in their lives. Always around like a shadow, a reminder of all the reasons why they couldn't be together. Syed was constantly juggling between trying to be the perfect husband, which was expected from him, and his own need to just be who he wanted to be, which he was not allowed to. Amira'd started to ask questions about her husband's lack of enthusiasm over their marriage, but so far he'd mostly managed to fob her off with excuses. They'd both settled into this uneasy situation, as if not talking about it would make it all disappear magically.

He and Syed of course had had their 'stolen moments'. It hadn't gone any further than a brief hug or holding hands for a while. Usually following Syed's pouring his heart out to him, after he'd yet again been put down by his mother, or had been unable to be the good husband his needy wife expected. He'd listened patiently, soothing and comforting the younger man, or just saying nothing. He knew – like true friends do – that just being there was often enough.  
And even though he loved those moments of closeness, he found it increasingly harder to cope. It grew harder every time to let Syed go afterwards … back to his wife, his family…. His "perfect little 'virtual' life" as Syed himself had called it. "Why do you take it, Christian?" he'd asked at the time "why do you let me do this to you?" Christian knew the answer. It was simply because he loved Syed, and would walk through fire for him. But he never thought it could ever be this difficult. He had always thought he was stronger…

He knew the situation weighed down on Syed too. He saw it in his eyes, heard it in his voice whenever they were together. He knew Syed was trying just as hard as he was to be strong, to accept the way things were… and to accept their friendship as the only possible relationship that could exist between them. But from their conversations and their moments together had come the realization how this was constantly eating away at them emotionally, how it was slowly destroying them both…

Christian was sitting on Arthur's bench, contemplating all this. After yet another sleepless night – there had been so many of those lately – he'd finally reached a dramatic decision. He knew now what he had to do. There was no other way. His heart felt like a lump of led in his chest. It would tear him apart, but he had no choice. It would devastate Syed, and he felt guilt weighing down on him, but he had no choice.

He had always thought he was stronger.  
But he wasn't.

0+0+0+0

Jane sat down next to him, and gave him a friendly nudge

"What did you want to talk about then?", she enquired happily. But the words stuck in her throat when Christian looked up at her, and she saw the look on his face, his eyes deep in their sockets, red-rimmed from unshed tears and lack of sleep.

"Hey" she said "come here. What's wrong?" She pulled him close, and Christian let out a tired sigh.  
He didn't say anything, but Jane knew him so well. "Syed?" she asked. He nodded quietly, unable to speak, but she understood.

Over the past few weeks, she'd seen him go from utter despair to comfortable contentment. That was after he'd come back to work and had talked to Syed. The next day both of them looked like new people, as if a cloud had lifted. Enjoying their work together, they were constantly exchanging looks of understanding, smiling, joking even. It had been a blessing. But lately she'd felt Christian's desperation grow again, his mood changing, making her realize how much her little brother was suffering under the current state of affairs.  
"I can't" he'd told her at the time, when she'd urged him to patch things up with Syed "He'll just break my heart again". But at her insistence, and that of his own heart, he had allowed himself to form a new bond with Syed, and now she saw how it was tearing him apart. She felt guilty.

"I can't do this any more, Jane" Christian finally uttered. "I thought I was stronger. But I just can't do this any more"…  
She didn't speak.

"He needs me. I know he needs me. I need him too, Jane. I need him more than anything. But I just can't do it any more. Having him around me is like the oxygen I need to get through the day – and at the same time it chokes me. Because I have to let him go each time. And I can't any more, Jane… because every time I have to let him go, another part of me just dies…."  
He sighed.  
"It has to stop."

He pulled away and put his head in his hands, angrily wiping away tears that were threatening to fall. "It has to stop"  
"I promised him I'd always be his friend. No matter what. And I meant that. I still mean it. I want it. I want to be his friend. But I just can't... do it any more. I'm just not strong enough."

Jane squeezed his hand and said nothing, just allowed him to get it all out.  
"This is destroying us both. And it has to stop. There's only one way, Jane. I must go."

She recoiled at that statement "Christian…!"

"No," he interrupted "no, Jane, don't try to stop me. I must go. I must leave. It's the only way we can learn to live with reality. Accept the way things are. He's never going to be mine, Jane…"  
He nearly choked on those words "He's never going to be mine, and I'm never going to be his. And the sooner we accept this, the better. For our own sanity…. For mine and for his … And the only way to do this, Jane, is if we're both not constantly reminded of what we've lost, of what could have been or should have been or might have been..."  
His voice faded… "And so I have to leave"

He couldn't stop the tears any more now. Jane said nothing, just held his hand.

"You do understand, do you?" he asked.  
"I do" she said "I understand. But I'm going to miss you terribly"  
"And I'll miss you, sis. You've been a star. After everything you and I went through… the stuff I did to you in the past…" She waved it away "No, Jane, seriously, I want to say this… After everything I did to you, in the end, you were still there for me when I needed you most. And I'm so grateful for that, I can't begin to explain how much it means..."

"I love you" she said simply.  
"I love you too" he smiled sadly.  
They sat there for a while, each caught up in their own memories.

"So where will you go?" Jane asked finally

"Going to see mum"  
"Canada?" she said "that's a long way to go"  
"I rang her, booked the tickets… Flying tonight"  
"Tonight? So soon? Christian…."  
"I can't wait, Jane, I have to do it now, before I get cold feet"  
"Will you be coming back?"  
He looked at her sadly. "I don't know. Perhaps. When my broken heart is mended." He tried a crooked smile, but failed miserably.  
"I will miss you terribly" she said again

He pulled her close.  
"Will you do me a favour, sis?"  
She knew what he was going to say before the words had even reached his mouth.  
"Will you keep an eye out for him? Will you make sure he's OK? You will be the only one he can talk to about this, and he will need a shoulder…."  
"I will" she promised quietly "I will, don't worry"

Christian let out a shivering sigh. "Thanks" he murmured.  
"Will you tell him you're going?"  
"Yes" he choked. "Of course I'll tell him. I've asked him to meet me here later. I'm just not sure how I will manage. But I can't lie to him, Jane. I can't have the last conversation between us be a lie"

"If you need to talk after…"  
He shook his head. "It'll be fine…"  
"But you'll come and say goodbye to us and the kids then later, will you, Christian? You must!"  
He smiled faintly.  
"OK, I'll come"  
"Allright, so I'll see you then… " She swallowed hard. "Christian, I wish... "  
"I know" he said "I know"

Jane hugged him close and kissed him fondly on the cheek; then reluctantly let go of his hand. With a heavy heart, she left him there on the bench. When she was halfway through the garden, she couldn't resist and turned back to look at him.  
He hadn't moved.  
He sat there completely still, his elbows on his knees, his hand clasped together, staring into space, only the quiet tears rolling down his cheeks bearing witness to his emotional turmoil.

"I love you, Christian" she whispered quietly, and turned to go home.


	10. Chapter 10

_Sorry... this chapter should come with a warning... we must go to the deepest depths first, I'm afraid... So be prepared for tears and despair! But things can only get better after this... can't they?  
Zoetje. _

CHAPTER TEN

"Hey there" Christian heard the smile in Syed's soft voice, but he couldn't make himself look up. His chest burned, it felt as if all the air in his lungs had constricted painfully, and he couldn't breathe. He still wasn't sure how he was going to manage this. Just hearing Syed's voice was nearly enough to make him throw away all the plans and decisions he made. But he couldn't. He had made up his mind.

Still blissfully unaware, Syed approached the bench. "Why did you want to meet here? If my mum sees us…" Christian still didn't look up, and Syed found it strange.  
"Christian…?"  
Christian closed his eyes. Hearing his name spoken so softly and lovingly nearly brought him to the edge. Syed needn't do much, just saying his name in that inimitable way of his was enough to make his heart jump with joy. Today however it caught in his throat, and got stuck there. Tears pushed their way through his shut eyes, and he shivered at the thought of having to say the things he needed to say, knowing what it would do to Syed.

"Christian? Are you…?"  
Syed's voice faded, as Christian finally looked up. His wonder turned into horror as he saw the expression on his best friend's face, and realization hit him.  
"No", Syed said "No.. no .. no… Christian… no!"  
Christian opened his mouth, but the words didn't come.  
"No!" Syed kept repeating "don't, please don't… don't say it… no, no…" In his despair, there was nothing else he could say.

Finally Christian found his voice.  
"You… you don't know what I'm going to say"  
"Of course I do!" Syed exclaimed "My God, it's written all over your face! Christian, please… don't... please don't do this… please don't say you're leaving! Please...!"  
His voice broke, and tears started to roll down his face. His knees buckled and unsteadily he sat down on the bench beside Christian. He rubbed his hands over his face as if to wipe away a bad dream.

"I have to" Christian simply said "I have to go. It's the best…."  
"No…" Syed interrupted hotly "No, don't you dare say it's for the best. How can it be for the best? You promised…"  
He swallowed, and continued in a low, steady voice. "You promised me... that you would always be my friend, Christian. Always. No matter what, you said…"  
"I know… I know what I said, Sy… and I meant it, every word. I still mean it. I am your friend, and I always will be. But I just can't go on this way any more. I can't...!"  
"So... what?… " Syed said sarcastically, "We'll be pen pals from now on, then... or cyber-friends who chat on the internet,... what?". But the despair in his voice belied his anger.  
"Don't do this, Sy" Christian pleaded. "Don't make this into 'me against you' because it's not. You know it's not...! Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I do this to hurt you? I could _never_ hurt you..."  
"So you think this doesn't hurt, do you? You promised you'd always... always be there for me" Syed nearly cried now "And now you're telling me you're leaving.. leaving me... What do expect me to say?"

"Please, Sy, try to understand." Christian replied, hating how raspy his voice sounded.  
"I can't" Syed said furiously "I can't understand. Please, Christian. I _need_ you. I need you so much. Please don't do this."

Christian swallowed, and forced himself to stay calm. "Look at what we're doing to each other, Sy. Look at it. Honestly. Every time we see each other and realize we can't be together, it breaks our heart. Every time we are together, we always have to be careful, we always have to hold back, always have to think of what we cannot have. And each time we have to say goodbye... we destroy each other a little bit more. When I have to let you go, Sy ... I just... it just kills me. And I know it kills you too. Look at it... look at it in all honesty and admit it, Sy ... we just can't do this to each other any more".  
His voice broke.  
"I know that I can't..." I was like a cry.

Christian's turmoil cut right through Syed's heart. Almost despite himself, he reached out and grabbed Christian's hand, squeezing it with such emotion, it touched every nerve in Christian's body.  
Syed bowed his head in defeat. A small sob escaped his lips. "I do know" he said, barely audible. Of course he knew. They really couldn't go on like this. They were both trapped in this impossible situation, and it was tearing them to pieces. Seeing the man he loved so much in such pain was unbearable.

But he couldn't let go. Not just yet. He had to try one more time.  
"But... Please, Christian... Don't go away! I'm begging you. Please. We'll find a way. We will. I can't lose you. I don't... I don't know... I don't know how to go on without you...!"

"Yes, you do" said Christian quietly "yes, you do".  
Syed stubbornly shook his head... but there was nothing more he could say. He felt like all the energy and all the will to fight had left him. How well he knew Christian... And what he heard it in his voice now, what he saw in the way he so determinedly looked at him, made him realize that Christian had made up his mind. And he knew in his heart there was nothing he could say or do to change it... They fell silent for a moment, gathering their thoughts, still holding on to each other's hands in quiet despair...

"Where are you going to go?" Syed finally managed.  
"Don't … Please Sy, don't make this harder"  
Syed's anger returned. "So you're not even going to tell me where you're going... ? Christian... how...?" He swallowed, started again. "Will you come back?"

Christian didn't reply.

"You're not, are you? You're not coming back... You're leaving and you're never coming back... And what about _me_...? What about me, Christian? What am _I _supposed to do? How am I supposed to live... when you're gone... ?" His voice, high-pitched and tearful, faded away. He couldn't go on any more...

"You will move on, Sy. That is why I have to do this. If I'm not around you, and you're not around me, we can live our lives without being reminded constantly of what we cannot have. You will... build your life. Have a family, be a brilliant father, and live on... happily. And soon enough, all this... will fade into nothingness". It nearly killed Christian to say those words, and he wasn't sure who he was trying to convince... Syed or himself...

But Syed was having none of it.  
His voice caught when he called out "Nothingness? Nothing, Christian? You think this will ever be "_nothing_" to me? Do you think I will ever forget... that I will ever forget _you_?" He was still holding on to Christian's hand as if for dear life. And Christian couldn't make himself to let go, as Syed's despair broke his shattered heart all over again. It killed him to do this. But he had to. He had to.

Syed bowed his head, the tears were back and his voice cracked... "You really have made up your mind, haven't you?"  
"I have... it is for the best"  
"When?" Syed asked  
Christian swallowed. "I'm leaving toni... tomorrow" he said. There it was...the lie. The lie he promised he wouldn't tell. But he had to try everything to make this more bearable, not as much for himself, but for Syed.  
"Tomorrow? No... it's too soon...Please... I can't, Christian", Syed burst out, half-angrily, half-despairingly, "Don't you get it, Christian? I can't do it without you. I really can't. You're the reason I get up in the morning. You give me reason to be... Without you..." His voice broke.

Christian couldn't stand the fear and confusion in Syed's eyes, the pain he radiated. He moved closer to him. As always, and even at these desperate times, still being so careful not to get too close, in case someone was watching. With only their foreheads touching, and their hands still locked, it was the gentlest, most loving embrace he had ever felt, and it broke his heart. He felt Syed's hands quivering in his. He closed his eyes and whispered the words he had dreaded the most.

"You have to let me go, Sy"  
"I _can't_" Syed replied stubbornly and desperately.  
"Let me go... please" Slowly but determinedly, Christian started pulling his hand away from Syed's grasp.  
"No", Syed moaned quietly, "no!" and struggled to hang on.

"Promise me something, Sy" Christian said, undeterred. It was barely audible. He swallowed.  
"Promise me... you'll be happy".

"No! I can't... not without you" Syed cried.  
"Yes, you can." Christian finally managed to free his hand. Syed whimpered.  
"Promise me" Christian breathed in Syed's smell for the last time, the softness of his hair, the touch of his skin and the warmth of his body. "Promise me!"

"I promise" Syed sobbed at last, completely defeated. "I promise"  
Christian closed his eyes and let himself feel the man he loved for the very last time. He felt his heart break in a million pieces, and fleetingly wondered if after this, he'd ever feel complete again.

But after the lie he told earlier, there was one last thing he had to say to Syed. He needed the last thing he said to Syed be the absolute truth. His lips lightly brushed Syed's temple in a final goodbye.  
"I love you" he whispered "I want you to know that I will _always_ love you"

And with that, he pulled himself away, got up, and strode off through the garden, his knees buckling under him,... leaving a devastated Syed alone on the bench. Denying the desperate call of every nerve and every cell in his body, he didn't turn around to look back, because he knew that if he did, he was never going to leave...

How he managed to get to his flat, Christian didn't know. After a blind struggle with the key, he stumbled inside and crumbled to the floor. At last, he let himself feel again. Wanting to howl with the pain he felt, he finally let go and cried.

*****0*0*0*

Through tear-filled eyes, Syed saw Christian almost run away from him. He wanted nothing more than run after him, fall on his knees, pull him back, and beg him to stay. But he couldn't move. He felt like the earth was opening up underneath his feet and was about to swallow him alive. He could feel himself falling, his heart was racing so hard he was sure it was going to burst through his chest, and he could barely catch a breath. "Christian!" a strangled cry escaped his lips. But Christian was long gone. He put his face in his hands to hide the tears, to stop the pain, to end the despair, to prevent himself from simply howling in agony... He fleetingly thought what a casual passer-by would think if they saw him like that, but he didn't care.  
All he could think about was Christian… Christian going away and never coming back.  
Never together again.  
Never his friend near him to keep him sane and safe.  
Never holding his hand again, never feeling his touch, never again feel his strong arms around him.  
Never again making love to the man who made him feel so alive, so pure, so real... so free.  
The man he loved, and who loved him just as much in return "_I will always love you_" Christian had said, only seconds ago, but Syed already felt the power of those words slipping away, like sand running through his fingers. The realization struck him like a blow to the face. "I lost him" he thought desperately. "I've lost him forever" and the pain of that was so unbearable he felt physically sick. "And it's my own fault" he knew. It hammered through his head, like a mantra. "Your fault, your fault, your fault…" He bit his lip to keep from crying out.

"What were you doing here with that… that man?" The sharp voice of his mother cut through his thoughts and brought him back to reality.  
"I saw you with him. Don't tell me nothing was going on!"  
Syed didn't look up, but shook his head, hoping it would make her stop, hoping she would see... but she went on relentlessly.  
"I know what I saw, Syed, and it's not what you promised. You were sitting too close and he was … holding your hand…. Whispering…" She spit out the words. "You said nothing was going on… but I saw… I saw…!"  
Syed clenched his eyes shut and tried to control his breathing. But then he simply couldn't stand it any more.

"Shut up!" he exploded "just... shut up!"

He got up from the bench and blindly pushed past his startled mother, nearly stumbling over Kamil's pram in the process. All he could think about was getting away… away from her, away from her words…. Away from all this pain…

Ignoring his mother's angry shouts, and as fast as his shaking legs would carry him, he made his way home. Blinded by the tears that unstoppably ran down his face, he unlocked the door. He stumbled to the staircase and crashed down on the bottom step, breathing a sigh of relief to be indoors. "Home" he thought, then shook his head in utter sadness. How could he still call this place 'home'? This place… where he could not be himself, where he had to hide who he was, hide what he felt, pretend to be someone else… He remembered how much he had longed to come back here, to his family, to his home… he had wanted it so badly that it had hurt physically. But that had been nothing compared to the pain he felt now. "Christian!" he thought. And the despair hit him again. "Christian!"

Despair made his chest feel heavy, breaths became hard to get. Suddenly he felt his stomach heave, and he just about made it to the bathroom on time. He fell on his knees on the floor in front of the toilet, and began to vomit. The room swam around him. He was feeling so sick and so hot that he was sure he was going to faint. Instead, he continued to vomit, retching painfully, as he spat out all the pain, frustration and despair in his body. He clung to the smooth porcelain bowl, fighting for his breath, and sobbing inwardly. "I can't!" his mind screamed "I can't any longer. God forgive me, but I can't!"

How long he'd been sitting there, sobbing desperately, his head on the cool porcelain, he couldn't have said. When he heard footsteps approaching, he struggled in vain to pull himself together, but couldn't bring himself to look up. Water was turned on, more footsteps... A cool hand pushed the hair off his face, and a damp cloth was pressed against the back of his neck, then wiped against his burning cheeks.

The short feeling of comfort that rushed through him dispersed just as quickly when the soothing hands on his face pulled back and his mother's cold voice sounded.  
"For goodness sake, Syed, just calm yourself down. Stop all this nonsense. And stop acting like a child!"

Horrified, he spun round to face her. "Like a child…?" he uttered, but she'd already turned and left. Syed closed his eyes again, his grief now replaced by anger and frustration, yet again at his mother, who still didn't understand, and probably never would… He was so tired of it, so tired of fighting her, her bigotry, her stubbornness, and her complete lack of understanding and the will to even try.

In the other room next door, he could hear her with Kamil, cooing sweet nothings to him, softly singing him a little lullaby… And it broke his heart. Was this the same woman who spoke so coldly to him, who refused to listen to him, who looked at him with contempt… ? His mother... the one person he so desperately needed to understand.

He didn't know how long he sat there, on the floor in the bathroom, leaning against the cool tiles, feeling so exhausted and so utterly and completely alone. He wanted to scream and rage at the world. He also wanted to cower and hide like a frightened child. He didn't know how to feel any more. All those emotions raged within him, battling each other and leaving him desperate and confused.  
Then he made a decision.  
He angrily wiped the tears away, got up, washed his face and took a few deep breaths. He realized it would be so much easier to just go hide in his bedroom and avoid any further conversation with her, but he knew it was time to face up to his mother. This confrontation had been a long time coming.  
He so desperately wanted her to listen.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

It felt like something close to an out-of-body experience. Syed was standing at the window in his family home living room, watching life on the square move on. People walking past in a hurry, talking, laughing, doing their shopping, going on with their normal daily business…. As if everything was normal. As if nothing had happened. As if his world just hadn't come crumbling down. He felt a lump in his throat. But he stubbornly swallowed it away. There had been enough tears.  
He saw Jane walk past, hauling along a Minute Mart bag full of shopping. Supplies for Christian's trip no doubt, he thought with a sinking feeling. Or maybe they were planning a goodbye do for him tonight. He closed his eyes, pushing back the tears that inevitably returned to the surface.  
No more tears, he told himself again. He had to be strong.  
But despite all his best intentions, he knew that all he wanted to do was run outside and accost Jane on the street, demanding she tell him where Christian was going, or maybe to beg her please to make him stay. He almost physically had to stop himself... because he knew it was no use. Christian had made up his mind. Christian was going away.  
It still hit him like a violent blow in the stomach. He felt his heart lurching.  
_Christian is going away!  
He's not coming back!  
You lost him… !  
Your fault, your fault, your fault….  
_The thoughts kept racing through his head. He clenched his eyes shut, tried to steady his breath... He was _not_ going to break down again... he was _not_...

"So, I see you've pulled yourself together then!"  
The sound of his mother's harsh voice startled him. He'd been so deep in thought, that he hadn't heard her come in. How long had she been standing there, watching him? He didn't know. He wasn't even sure he cared. But he didn't turn to face her. He couldn't. Not yet.  
"For crying out loud Syed, what was that all about..? First I catch you with… with… him. And then you start shouting the odds at me, nearly knocking me over… me and your baby brother, by the way. And then I find you here being all hysterical…. You're not a child any more Syed, so stop behaving like one! What will people think?"  
He snorted. It sounded like a sob.  
"What will people think…! That is your main concern, is it…? What people will think"… He shook his head in disbelief. "And what about what _I_ think, mum? What about what _I_ feel? Does that matter to you? Do you even _care_?"

There was no reply. No surprises there then, he mused bitterly.  
"Have you even wondered…? I mean, has the thought even crossed your mind... to ask me why I am 'behaving like a child' as you so eloquently put it..? Well... have you?"  
She shrugged. "I think I have a pretty good idea of what it's about... I'm sure it has something to do with that... horrible man... Well, I'm not interested, Syed"  
"Can't you even say his name, mum? It's not going to kill you to say his name, you know."  
"Now you're just being unreasonable," she said "I'm not talking to you if you're in one of those foul moods"

She turned to leave.  
"What!" Syed spun round. "Don't you dare walk out on me now, mother" he bit at her, "don't you _dare_!"

She turned back to face him.  
_She's still not looking at me_, he thought, as her eyes fixed on a spot somewhere over his shoulder.  
He swallowed, tried to stay calm, but the sarcasm in his voice was unmistakeable "Believe me, you'll want to hear this. I've got good news for you!"  
He saw her react to this, he knew it got her interest, but she still didn't say anything. And she still avoided looking at him.

Syed's voice was bitter and resentful. "Well... you'll be pleased to hear... You can throw a party, mum. You can go dance on the tables, perhaps… Because you have your wish… You have what you've wanted for so long…." He swallowed, and then spit it out.  
"Christian is leaving. He's leaving for good, he's not coming back. He's going away, out of our lives, out of my life…. Forever…"  
He wavered…  
Saying it out loud nearly made him physically sick again. He swallowed away the bile he could feel rising in the back of his throat.  
"Christian is leaving" he said again, it was barely a whisper…. He felt so defeated all of a sudden, as if saying it to someone else actually made the devastating reality even more real.

She tried to hide it, but he saw her eyes light up. Almost despite herself, she flashed him a look, it was only a split second, but it was there, and then she looked away again.  
"Good" she said firmly. "That _is_ good news. The sooner that man is out of our lives the better… then all this…madness… can finally be put to an end"  
He shook his head. What else could he have expected?

"You just… don't want to understand, do you?" he threw at her "Why would you even care about how this makes _me_ feel? Why would it matter to you that I feel as if my life is ending? Why would you even…._listen_?  
She scowled. "Oh, get over yourself Syed! All this hysteria, all this drama… All that because of that... man? Good grief, Syed… grow up! Your life ending…. ! Can you get more over-dramatic than this? Your life isn't ending! If anything, this is your chance to finally put it back on the rails again. Forget about this entire … episode, and move on...! "

He chuckled again bitterly, feeling utterly exasperated at her unwillingness to listen.

"Episode… Madness… Drama…" he sneered. "You do have a way with words, don't you, mum! But you forget that this is not some novel from your book club you're talking about. This is _real_. This is _my_ life! This is about _me_! About me not knowing how to move on! About me losing the one person in my life who fully understands and loves me, and who does so without expecting anything in return. The one person who actually makes me feel real... who is leaving behind his family, his friends and his entire life, because he wants to make it easier for me. Never mind that it breaks his heart in the process. That's how much he cares! That's how much he loves me. And _I love him!_ And I'm losing him, I'm losing my love, forever... and I'm dying here, mum. It's killing me..."

His voice broke. He was near tears now. He should have known would be impossible to have this conversation without tears.  
But even now everything he said was greeted with only a freezing cold silence from his mother.

He continued in a frenzy. "But why should you care about that? You're just going to tell me to carry on, act normal, pretend for the rest of my life if I have to … and just… just move on! That's your advice for me, is it? Move on! What I feel, what Christian feels… what I want, what I _am_… all that doesn't matter. Just as long as it doesn't upset your idea of how my life should be lived!  
Well, mum, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I can't… I can't be what you expect me to be. I can't lead a life of lies for the rest of my days… I just can't! "

She started to turn away again from him, but Syed went on relentlessly…

"That's your way of dealing with this, isn't it? Run away. Gosh, that sounds familiar!" he nearly spit it out.  
"Here's something you don't like, so you just decide that if you close your eyes and don't look at it, don't face it, it'll just go away. Well, it doesn't work like that. It doesn't. Take it from one who's been there, done that... I have tried that little trick for years, mum! And all it's done is left me empty and alone and full of self-hatred..."

He'd finally run out of steam. A sob escaped his lips, and he furiously blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall. He didn't want to cry. He had things to say. She had to listen.

"I'm not running away" she said indignantly, completely ignoring the hurt in Syed's voice. "I'm just not going to stand here and listen to you spew all that nonsense again. You're being childish, Syed. Do you think you are the only one who has to compromise in life, who doesn't always get what he wants? This is all in your head; you're making it into something it isn't… This… infatuation with that man has lasted long enough. It's time you snap out of it. Behave like a responsible adult, like a man…. a husband…!"

"Like a perfect son" he retorted sarcastically. "You want me to behave like the perfect son… While you _know_ that's not who I am. You know. It's why you can't even look at me, can you? You can't even _look_ at me!"

She didn't reply, but still her eyes wouldn't meet his.

"You make out like this is just a phase I am going through… an episode, an infatuation… It's all nonsense, you say. Then why can't you look at me, mum? Why? Isn't it because you _know_ that I'm not making this up, isn't it because you _know_ that I'm not your perfect son any more? Face it, mum! Face _me_!  
Please, look at me.…."

He pleaded now, the bitter tears, he could no longer hold back, at last streaming down his face. "Look at me, and _see_ me.. see me for who I am. I am your _son_, mum. This is me, Syed, your son! Your _gay_ son. Look at him, he's standing here right in front of you... your gay son!"

She closed her eyes and turned away. But he wouldn't let her go. He grabbed her by the arm and made her face him. "Look at me!" he begged her. "Listen to me! See me! I'm gay, mum! It's not a phase, it's who I _am_, it's who I've been all my life, and who I'll always be. I'm gay and I love Christian and whatever you do or whatever you say…. it's not going to go away".

He got hold of both her arms, trying to force her into looking at him, but she squirmed and turned her head.

"Look at me" he cried desperately "Look at me, mum. Please!"

She tried to escape his grasp, but he only held on tighter… She left out a soft cry of pain, but he couldn't let go.  
"I love him, mum. I love him and I'm dying here. Help me! Listen to me! Look at me... Please!"

"What the hell is going on here…!" Masood's voice boomed, leaving Syed and Zainab startled. Syed looked up and saw his father in the doorway, and over his shoulder appeared the surprised face of his wife Amira. Letting go of Zainab, he spun round to face the window again. He bowed his head, and let out a quivering breath in an attempt to calm down.  
Zainab too steadied her breath, but neither spoke.

"Well? Is someone going to say something? What was all that about? What were you doing, Syed, treating your mother so disrespectfully?"

Syed wrapped his arms around himself as if to muster up every bit of courage he had left inside. He swallowed. This was it. The moment had come. There was no escape from this any more. He knew that.  
His heart was beating so fast he thought it was going to jump out of his chest. He felt his knees wobble. But before he could even begin to gather his thoughts, it was his mother who broke the silence.

"It was nothing, Mas. Just a misunderstanding between Syed and me. It's nothing"

Syed's head shot up, he looked at her incredulously. Was she being serious? She was still going to pretend as if nothing was going on?

"That wasn't nothing, Zainab." Masood wasn't having any of it. "I want Syed to explain himself… or at least apologize to you for his behaviour"

"Of course he will apologize, won't you Syed?" his mum went on cheerfully. "But it was nothing really, wasn't it, darling?"

Syed couldn't stop looking at her in disbelief. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. What was she doing? Calling him darling? Acting as if that utterly gut-wrenching scene between them just now hadn't happened? Did she really think that after all this, they could… that _he_ could… still keep up the pretence? She looked back at him, and he realized this was the first time in months she looked at him properly, that she locked her eyes with his. And with that look she was silently urging him to play along, to keep lying…

But he couldn't do it any more. It was time. This was it. The truth had to come out. Now.  
He shook his head at her silent plea.  
"No," he said quietly but determinedly "It was not nothing, dad"  
"Syed, please" she said, he heard the despair in her voice. "Let it be"

But it was too late now to turn back. He had made up his mind. He turned around to face his father and his wife.  
"It's time for the truth" he said "It's time you know."  
"Syed, no… don't do this" Zainab whimpered.

But he wasn't listening.  
He looked at Amira, his beautiful wife, who was staring at him with a look of complete bewilderment on her face. He felt like a fist was squeezing his heart and he could hardly breathe. But he had finally made the decision to do this, and there was no way back.

"Amira" he said "I'm so sorry". His voice faded, but he steadied himself. "I'm so sorry" he started again. "But I should never have married you". She looked at him incredulously, wanting to interrupt, but he went on "I do love you. I really do. But the truth is, I love you like a sister,... like a friend. Not a wife,... or a lover"

"Syed!" it was his mother again "stop this nonsense now!"  
He didn't even acknowledge her words. He was only watching Amira now. Tears had started to pool in her eyes. She didn't move, or didn't speak.  
"I'm so sorry" he continued "I should never have married you. It was never my intention to hurt you, I was so committed to make it work, and I did believe I was doing the right thing. But it wasn't the right thing. Not for me. And definitely not for you. I'm sorry"

Now he looked at his father, who was staring at him in silence.  
"So, let's not keep up this pretence any longer, dad" he said quietly. "You overheard what I was saying to mum the moment you walked through that door. Don't pretend you didn't. I know you did. It's written all over your face. You heard."  
Masood didn't move, he didn't even blink.  
"You heard me. And you heard me right"

Syed took at deep breath, and then took the plunge.  
"I'm gay, dad!"

The moment the words left his mouth, he felt a huge weight lifting. Lift from his shoulders, lift from his heart. He felt like he could finally breathe again, as if he'd been under water for years, and had finally reached the surface again. At last, he told the truth, and no matter what came next, he knew this had been the right thing to do.

"I am gay. And I have been... for as long as I can remember. I've been hiding from it, I've been ignoring it, denying it... pretending it wasn't true. But it _is_ true, and I can't hide from it any more. This is me, this is who I am. I'm gay. I'm gay... and I … I love Christian!"  
He had to say it all.  
"I love Christian, and I just... want to be with _him_...!"

He heard his mother gasp, and silently start sobbing. He wondered if she'd ever forgive him.

He heard Amira whimper, as she turned away, her face in her hands. He wished he could go to her, comfort her, but he knew there was nothing he could say or do that would make this any better for her. He hated what he had done to her. He meant it when he said he loved her. She was so incredibly dear to him, how he wished he could turn back the clock and undo all the pain he caused her.

And so there was only his father left. For some reason he couldn't quite discern, his father's reaction was the one that mattered the most. But there was only silence. Masood still hadn't spoken.  
Syed wished his dad would say something, do something. Shout at him, be angry with him, … even smack him in the face. Something!

"Dad?" he tried tentatively.  
But it was Zainab that Masood turned to.  
"You knew about this?" he asked coldly. It wasn't a question. Just a statement.  
"Yes" Zainab's head was bowed, she was barely audible.  
"Dad" Syed said, "don't turn this on mum..."  
But Masood didn't listen.  
"When?" he demanded.  
Zainab shook her head as tears overcame her.  
Masood walked up to her, took her arm, made her face him.  
"When?" he asked again.  
"Dad, please... don't be angry with her. It doesn't matter if she knew."

His father turned to face him "I'm not talking to you. I'm speaking to your mother."

"When?" he asked again.  
"New Year's Day" she whispered.  
"Their wedding day", Masood scowled. "You found out on their wedding day?"  
She nodded.  
"Before or after the ceremony?"  
"Dad!" Syed tried again.  
"I'm talking to your mother!" Masood snapped at him, then turning back to Zainab "Tell me!"

"Before!" she finally yelled, "before. I found out before the ceremony!"  
"And you let him go ahead with it? You let him marry that poor girl? Were you out of your mind, woman?"  
In the background Amira let out a small cry.  
Zainab pulled herself free from Masood, and pushed past him out of the room. She was sobbing now.

Masood made after her.  
"Please dad" Syed begged "please don't take this out on mum. She did what she thought was best"  
"She should have known better... and so should you" Masood replied coldly. He turned to follow Zainab, then stopped and faced his son again.

"What you said... it's the truth?"  
"It is. It is the truth, dad" Syed said. "I am gay"

"Then... then you know the consequences." Mas sounded deflated, as if all his anger had vaporized and only disappointment was left.  
"It'll be best when I come back... that you... are no longer here."

Syed nodded. He was not surprised. This was what he'd expected. He had done what he'd needed to do, and he was accepting the consequences. It broke his heart, but there was no other way.  
Masood shot a look at Amira, cowering on the sofa. "But I think you should talk to your wife first, don't you?"  
"I need to talk to your mother now. You and I …. " he hesitated "we will speak later. Perhaps. In time. But meanwhile... I want you to pack your things and leave our home. You cannot stay here any more"  
And with that he was gone, leaving Syed alone with Amira.

0+0+0

They sat at opposite sides of the room. Neither spoke. Amira just sat there, glaring at him. Next door, Syed could hear his parents argue. He rubbed his face. He'd often imagined this moment. How he would be brave and come out with it all. He'd imagined what it would be like. He'd imagined harsh words and violent arguments, tears and denial. But reality was nothing like it. What he hadn't imagined was this mixture of utter relief and unforgivable guilt that he now felt. What he hadn't imagined was the painful silence and the sadness in the eyes of his wife.

"Amira. Please!" he finally stammered. "Say something. Be angry with me. Scream at me. Do something. Say something. Anything!"  
"What else is there to say?" she answered bitterly. "Everything has been said, hasn't it?"  
"You're gay. You love me like a sister. Our marriage is a sham. Have I left anything out? … Oh, yes... You love Christian."  
Her attempt at sarcasm didn't quite work. Her voice broke when a sob escaped her lips.

"I'm so sorry" Syed whispered.  
"Yeah... you're sorry. And I'm the one with the gay husband!" She swallowed. "Sorry doesn't make it any better, Syed"  
"I know" he admitted in defeat "I know..."

"Why couldn't you just be honest? If you'd been honest, things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. And we wouldn't be in this mess"  
Syed shook his head in a frustrated gesture of self-loathing "How could I be honest to you, if I couldn't even be honest to myself?"  
He couldn't sit down any longer. He started pacing through the room. "I've run away from this for so long, Amira. For so long... You have no idea how hard I fought it... And when I was finally able to face it... I just... I just hated myself even more."

"Then why on earth did you think getting married would solve anything?"  
"I thought... things would be different. I thought I would stop feeling this way if I could just... if I could just lead a normal family life. I really wanted it to work. I really did. But..."

"You used me. To make you feel better about yourself. You thought getting married, have a wife in your bed, and a bunch of kids would be the salvation of you, that it would magically... cure you... didn't you? Marry the spoilt little girl, and prove to everyone that you're a real man. Right?"

"Something like that" he admitted, a lump in his throat. "And most of all, I wanted to prove it to myself..."  
She shrugged derisively "Only, it didn't quite work out the way you had imagined it... did it?"  
"I'm so sorry" he said.

She shook her head.  
"So... You and Christian. You two... have been having... an affair, I take it?"  
He really didn't want to talk to her about Christian. He didn't want to rub it in even more. But he knew he had to. There had been enough lies. There was only time for the truth now.  
"Not since we've been married... but... before... yes...I'm so..."

"Don't you dare say you're sorry again" she sneered. "Don't you dare..."  
She laughed bitterly.

"The silly thing is, Syed.. I'm not even surprised. Not really"  
He looked at her incredulously.  
"What?"  
"When I think about it... I can't believe I didn't see it. It all makes sense now. The two of you together. Best pals. Bantering and joking and smiling... Always sparks flying about. You in a strop whenever he wasn't around. Him not wanting to help with the mehndi, disappearing off to Spain at Christmas... Good grief, I must have been blind not to notice it."

"Amira..."  
"Ha... and to top it all... I mean... this is a really good one... I even overheard the two of you on New Year's Eve. Remember? At Bianca's party. I came to see you at midnight. You and him were in the kitchen, the door was jammed, and..."

Syed was staring at her in disbelief. My god, did he remember it? He would never ever forget that moment, when Christian had waltzed into the kitchen, swept him in his arms, and kissed him as if there was no tomorrow. It had rocked his world so hard, he could still feel the tremors in his body just thinking about it.

But... Amira overheard them? And she didn't say anything... how...?

"I actually heard him plead with you not to get married. I remember thinking to myself, poor Christian, how rough must it be to fall for a straight guy. I felt sorry for him. And I admired you for still being there for him, for still being his friend... Oh my god, what a joke!"

"You heard us?" Syed whispered, breathlessly "You heard, and you never... It didn't occur to you...?"  
"I guess I just didn't want to listen to that little nagging voice in the back of my head telling me something was off" she admitted. "We were set to get married the next day. You said you loved me. I loved you. Better to ignore my intuition and my silly premonitions, eh..." She chuckled bitterly. "See where that got me!"

Syed sat down on the sofa, putting his head in his hands. How different things could have been if they both had been just a little braver, a little more honest...  
"Such a waste" he realized. "All this, it's such a waste. If we'd just..."  
"I know" she said quietly, all the anger now gone from her voice. She sat down next to him.  
"Trouble is, I really loved you. I still love you, really... How stupid is that? And I'm not even angry,... well..., not as angry as I should be anyway. If anything, I feel sorry for you. You're about to lose your family. And with Christian gone..."

Syed's head shot up.  
"What do you mean. Gone?" he stammered.

"You don't know?" she queried. There was no sarcasm or gloating in her voice, only genuine surprise.  
"You mean you don't know that Christian's leaving tonight... for Canada, or Florida... what is it? I saw Roxy at the Minute Mart. She was planning a farewell drink for him at the Vic at five. How ironic... when I came in, I was about to ask you if we could go, to see him off. His taxi was booked at six, apparently."

In a panic, Syed looked at the clock,  
_6:08 _it read.  
A painful stab shot through his heart.  
"No" he breathed "no, no, no...! Oh god... No! "

Amira touched his arm "Syed..."  
"I lost him" he cried. "I left it too late. It's too late." Devastation overtook him. "I did it for nothing. I hurt you, I broke up my family, and I did it for … nothing! He's gone. I destroyed him. I destroyed us both. And now he's gone. I did it all for nothing...!"

"It wasn't for nothing" she answered. "What you've just done... No matter how much it hurts, Syed, it was the right thing to do. For you. You were finally being honest. That counts for something, right?"  
He looked at her and swallowed hard. "How can you be so calm... and so kind to me... after everything?"

"It's simple. I love you" she said, then smiled bitterly "... like a brother, of course"  
Then she spoke to him in earnest. "But you are not going to give up now, are you Syed. You don't know if he's even left yet. These taxis... you know, they're never on time. You may still have a chance. It may not be too late".

He looked at the clock again..  
_6:11 _it said.

"But..."

"Go then!" she encouraged him

He looked at her, still frozen to the spot.

"Go...!"

"I'm sorry, Amira" he whispered gratefully

And with that, he ran out the door.

"He's gone" Amira thought, and she finally cried.


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's note : Well, here it is... the moment of truth for Syed and Christian... I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Dedicated to all my wonderful friends over at DS. Thanks for your friendship and your encouragements... _

CHAPTER 12

Inside the Vic, a small crowd had gathered. When Christian had told Roxy about his plans to leave Walford, he'd pleaded with her to keep his departure quiet. He wanted no fuss, he'd told her. Of course, what he couldn't explain, was that it was mainly to make sure he could leave without the Masoods finding out, or Syed, god forbid… making it all a thousand times more difficult. So he couldn't really blame her when she had assumed he'd meant just the opposite. She'd never known him to miss an opportunity to be centre of attention – it was the queen in him. And of course he should have known too that it was completely impossible for Roxy to keep a secret.  
So she invited him in for a quiet farewell drink at the Vic, to which of course he couldn't say no. But when he'd arrived, it turned out she had invited all the regulars to what she called the proper send-off he deserved. Jane and her family were there too. His sister had smiled apologetically, she knew that he'd wanted to leave quietly, but he was glad she was there. And if he was honest, he was grateful for the distraction this little impromptu farewell party provided him.

But as he stood there at the bar, drinking his final drink at the Vic, looking at the smiling faces around him, he realized with painful clarity that this place, this square, these people had become his home, _were_ his home. He felt a pit in his stomach. How could he leave his home? Then the thought of Syed pushed to the foreground, and he knew again why he had to do this. He smiled regretfully. Even apart from the gruelling fact he was leaving behind the love of his life, which felt like cutting off a limb... just simply the thought of going away, leaving this place, and all the people in it, was almost too much to bear.

He was going to miss Rox. And Jane of course, and Lucy and Peter… even Ian. He chuckled, they'd never been the best of friends, but he'd grown strangely fond of his grumpy brother-in-law.

Even Dot Branning was here, sitting at a corner table, nursing a sweet sherry. He'd never really had anything to do with Dot. But she'd come to speak to him only minutes earlier, touched his arm and wished him well in that so inimitable, but genuinely kind way of hers. Bless her, he thought fondly. He knew that she wasn't comfortable around him, and that she probably inwardly shuddered at his way of life and his blatant displays of "gayness"... But despite all that, he'd never felt judged by her. Not really. There probably weren't two people more different than he and Dot. Yet, she'd always been courteous and friendly, and treated him with respect. So unlike some…. The thought of Zainab and her bigotry inevitably cropped up. But he pushed it away. It was too late for such thoughts.  
It was over.  
Done.  
Time for a new beginning…

He sighed, and stole a look at his watch. Where was that cab? He really needed to go soon now. If he stuck around much longer, he might lose the nerve to do it. And it was only a matter of time before the news of him leaving tonight travelled round the square and ended up where he didn't want it to go. He didn't want Syed seeing him leave. And he didn't want to leave with Syed's heartbroken face the last thing he saw, to haunt him for the rest of his days. Yeah, as if that's not going to happen anyway, he thought sadly...  
A man walked in. "Taxi for Heathrow?" Christian breathed a sigh of relief. This was it.  
"Here" he said, finishing his drink "just coming".

0+0+0+0

Syed ran out the door. He felt faint with fear.  
Christian was leaving tonight! Tonight! He probably already _had_ left.  
Panic constricted his throat.  
_Please_, he begged quietly, _please, don't let this happen. I can't lose him. I can't...  
_As adrenaline pulsed through his veins he picked up speed.  
_Please don't let me be too late._ It pounded through his head, over and over again, like a mantra, the rhythm of it in sync with the sound of his footsteps.  
_Please don't let me be too late.  
__Please... it can't all have been for nothing…. Please give me that last chance. Please._

As fast as his legs would carry him, he crossed the square towards the Vic.  
From a distance he saw a black cab parked in front of the pub. There was movement… a small crowd was gathered. His eyes frantically looked for that so familiar frame, and when he finally caught sight of the broad shoulders clad in that so distinct light blue t-shirt, his knees buckled with the relief he felt.  
"Christian!" he gasped, and rushed forward.

0+0+0+0

Christian was tightly hugging Roxy. He wasn't the crying type, but he couldn't avoid his eyes brimming with tears. "You take care, babe" she mumbled "you show'em over there what us Brits are made of...!" He couldn't help but smile. He took Jane's hand and squeezed it gently. They'd already said their goodbyes in the privacy of the Beale house, but still, it was hard to let go. Lucy smiled bravely, but he saw her secretly wiping away a tear. He knew her so well, for all her bravado she was still a little girl at heart.

The cab driver had already loaded all his suitcases in the back of the car, and was patiently waiting for him to get in.

"So...That's it then", he declared. He looked around at all these kind faces that were so dear to him, and drew in a deep breath. "Bye everyone" he said, "it was a blast knowing you all". He tried to appear cheerful, but he couldn't stop his voice from sounding broken and sad, revealing his true feelings.

This was so much harder than he had anticipated. If it wasn't so damned tragic, it would be funny. Just look at me, he thought, me, Christian Clarke, never one to settle down, always on the move, always up for a new challenge, always ready in a moment's notice to leave and conquer the world... never to be held back by unnecessary, boring things such as friendships and family life…  
Yeah, just a while ago, or so it seemed, he'd been a different person.

And look at me know, he mused. He'd settled into this normal everyday routine, a job, a circle of friends, family around him, a home... A life he would have called boring a few years ago. But he'd been loving it, and he knew in his heart that he didn't want to give it up. Having to go was so hard. And it hurt like hell.

But the decision was made. He knew this was what he had to do.

0+0+0+0

It was the second time today that Syed felt like every movement he made was made by someone else, and he was just a bystander looking on. Christian was only a few feet away, but to Syed it might just as well have been miles. He felt himself putting one foot in front of the other, but it didn't seem quite real. It was as if he was moving in slow motion… but nevertheless he kept going, getting closer to Christian with every step, his eyes never straying from his goal. He was close enough now to hear Christian's voice, to see the smile on his face….

"_I love him_" Syed realized, breathlessly, as he felt his heart jump with pure joy at the mere sight of him. "_My God, I love him_". Emotion overwhelmed him.

Christian had his back towards him, shaking hands with people, saying his goodbyes… still completely unaware of his presence. Syed just stood there, drinking in the image of the man he loved. He knew he had to say something, knew this was his last chance to convince Christian to stay, to make him believe how much he loved and needed him. But he'd run out of the house in such a rush, with only one thought in his mind, to stop Christian from leaving. And he hadn't quite contemplated the words he was going to need in order to accomplish that. Syed was vaguely aware of other people around Christian, smiling, chatting, patting his shoulder, but he couldn't take his eyes off the only person that mattered.

"Christian...!"

It was barely a whisper, but Christian heard.

_Syed's here_, he realized with a sinking feeling. He'd so nearly made it. And now Syed was here. Just the sound of that voice, and the way Syed said his name, sent his heart in overdrive. But he didn't look up, he didn't turn back. He couldn't. He shut his eyes closed, and shook his head, as if he tried to push away a bad dream. With a shivering sigh, he turned to pick up his bag.

"Christian" Syed said again, breathlessly. "Please…"

His voice caught. He tried again.

"Please... Don't go!"

Conversations quietened down. Everybody turned in surprise and looked at Syed.  
Except Christian, Christian still didn't look at him. This was what he had feared the most, ... That somehow Syed would discover he was leaving tonight and would try again to stop him. He had feared it because he didn't know if he was going to be able to resist. He could only hope this would be quick. And that he'd find the strength to ignore the call of his heart, which even now was stronger than anything he'd ever felt in his life.  
He swallowed and tried to find his bearings; he couldn't deal with this. Why did Syed do this? He knew the decision was made. He knew it was too late for them. He knew why he had to leave. Why did he do this to them? _Why can't he just let me go?_ Christian shook his head in quiet despair.

Syed desperately tried to find the words he needed. This was the moment of truth, and he didn't know what to say... He knew that now was not the time to hold anything back, it was time for the truth, the truth his heart told him.  
It was so simple, really.  
He only had to listen to his heart.

"Please don't leave me, Christian. Please! I don't… I don't know how to go on without you…  
I know… I know I don't have the right any more to ask anything of you. I know I hurt you so much, and I don't deserve you. But I don't know what I would do without you. So... I'm going to ask you anyway. And if I have to, I'm going to go down on my knees and beg you. Please… Christian, don't … leave me. I…. I need you"

His voice trembled.

"I love you."

He barely registered the ripple of confusion going through the group of people standing around them. He felt their looks of bewilderment move from him to Christian. He heard the whispers of astonishment.  
But he didn't care. He'd moved beyond worrying about what other people would think of him.

The only person that mattered however still had his back turned to him.  
The rejection this implied made Syed's heart sink. But he wasn't giving up.  
Not now. Not now that he'd come this far.

He saw the muscles tense in the other man's shoulders, and could almost feel the shivers that were going down Christian's spine… He stepped closer, near enough now to touch him, but he didn't. He knew what an impossible thing it was he was asking of Christian. To believe him again, to open his heart again, and risk getting it broken… all over again. He realized that was his fault. The pain he caused Christian was something he would probably never be able to forgive himself for.  
But he stubbornly pushed away the tears that threatened to overcome him. There would be time for self-blame later. Now he just had to make Christian hear him, see him… believe him.  
He took a deep breath and willed his heart to slow down.

There was no drama, no hysteria, only quiet determination in his voice, when he finally spoke again.  
"Christian … Look at me. Look at me. Please!"

Christian just shook his head again. The emotions in his voice nearly made him choke.  
"Don't do this," he whispered wretchedly "just... don't do this, Sy. Please!"

But Syed wasn't giving up.

"Please listen, Christian. I know I hurt you so much, and I know I don't deserve to have any more chances, but please tell me... how do I live without you?" Syed was pleading. "I just…I just need you. My life is ... so completely... empty without you. I can't...I can't be without you any more... I just want to be with you!"

There it was, all of it... But Christian still didn't face him. He desperately went on.

"Look at me, Christian, look...! I'm not scared any more. I'm not scared any more of what I feel, of who I am... I _know_ who I am and I _know_ what I want. I am gay. And I want _you_. And that's what I told them. I told them…."

At this, Christian spun round, and looked at him incredulously. His eyes were shining with unshed tears. Seeing this strong man so vulnerable just made Syed want to throw his arms around him, and pull him close, but he stopped himself. Because he knew that Christian wouldn't let him. Not now. Not yet.

"You did _what_..?" Christian whispered, breathlessly.  
A small ray of hope had entered his heart, and he couldn't deny, despite his best efforts, how it shone brighter with every word Syed spoke.

Syed's eyes locked with his. They were clear and shining with confidence and love. As if he had no doubts any more... But after everything that happened, Christian was still struggling to believe what he heard.

Syed's voice was calm and confident. "I told them. The truth…. They know. My father. My wife. My family. I told them. I told them that I love _you_, and that I need _you_ and that I only want to be with _you_… for the rest of my life. It's all I want, and I don't care any more what people say, or what people think. The whole world can know, as far as I'm concerned. In fact, the whole world should know.  
_I… love… you_!"

There was something strangely exhilarating about saying it out loud, in front of everyone. It was liberating and exciting and it made him feel almost delirious. Syed couldn't stop saying it now. He could feel his heart sing with the love he felt, and the words he'd held back for so long came tumbling out without hesitation.

"Christian... You… you are the most amazing person I know. You are the best friend I've ever had. You are the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful boyfriend and partner and lover anyone could ever dream of. You are the only person who knows me, who knows me really. You're always there for me. I… I hurt you, I push you away, I let you down… so… so many times… and still… still, you're always there, you hold me, you comfort me, you listen to me, you pick me up, you lift my spirits, you make me smile. Always giving, giving… And not expecting anything in return. So now… here I am…."

His throat constricted with emotion.

"Here I am, Christian… this is me giving you something in return. Here it is… my heart, my soul… my life. It's yours, it belongs to you…."

Christian couldn't take his eyes off Syed. He was looking at him, speechless, as if it was the first time he really saw him.

"So… please… Christian…" Syed was pleading again, reaching out as if wanting to touch the other man, but still holding back. "Please, Christian. I'm begging you. I know these are just words, but... but you _have_ to believe me. I can't begin to say how much you mean to me. Please talk to me... Please don't leave me. Please. I can't… I can't..."

"Shut up" Christian interrupted with a raspy voice.

Syed was startled: "wha…?"

"Shut up" Christian repeated "just shut up"

And with that he grabbed hold of Syed's arm and in one swift movement he pulled him close in a tight embrace.  
"Just shut up", he mumbled, his lips buried in Syed's hair, "shut up…."

The relief that Syed felt being in Christian's arms again was so overpowering, he thought he was going to faint. He struggled to catch his breath and buried his face against Christian's warm chest, holding on to him as if for dear life. If it hadn't been for Christian's strong arms supporting him, he was sure he would have sunk to the ground as all the muscles in his body seemed to give way.

Christian was shaking too. He'd tried so hard to stay strong, not to surrender again to Syed's promises and his desperate pleas. He'd struggled in vain to ignore the hope flickering in his heart, the hope he had felt at the very moment he'd heard Syed say his name, but the same hope that had been shattered so many times in the past.

Something in Syed's voice however had made him listen. He sounded different. Confident. Resolute. Unshakeable... And when he'd finally turned around, he'd seen it right there in those beautiful eyes who looked at him unwavering.  
This was for real.  
Syed had taken the ultimate step. He chose to be free. He told his parents. He told his wife. And then he'd done this amazing thing.  
He'd stood here in front of him, in the middle of the square, completely undeterred by the people around them, the looks and the stares and the whispers.  
He'd simply stood there, brave and courageous, and with no hesitation declared his love for him.

"_He loves me_" Christian thought, "_he really loves me_" and he felt his heart soar.

Time stood still, as they stood there in silence, clinging to each other with a fierceness neither had realized they possessed. Finally, Christian pulled back slightly, and Syed reluctantly loosened his grip. Christian wrapped his hands around that face that was so dear to him, and looked deep into those beautiful brown eyes that still took his breath away every time they locked with his.

He forced himself to breathe evenly, and when he finally trusted his voice, hoarse and quivering as it was, he asked:  
"Are you sure?"

Syed didn't speak; he just lifted his hand and softly touched Christian's face, to wipe away the quiet tears Christian couldn't keep from falling

"Sy, please, tell me. Are you sure?" he insisted.

Syed smiled, and his eyes shone with love.  
"I am" he said simply.

His voice was quiet but determined, and full of emotion.

"You, … you are my whole life, Christian. Without you, I am nothing, my life is empty. Never, ever, in my entire life, have I been more sure about anything. _I love you_. I want to be with you. I want this.  
He smiled. "Yes, Christian, I am sure."

Then he reached up and pulled Christian's face closer to his. Undeterred by the prying eyes of the people around them, he tenderly brushed Christian's lips with his own. Like a starveling, Christian opened his mouth and kissed him back. Having been denied this for much too long, their passion was unmistakeable, but it was the utter tenderness of the kiss that touched them both to the core of their being.

It was Christian who broke the connection – but only slightly. "Everybody's watching" he mumbled against Syed's lips.

"Let them" Syed said "I don't care", before he claimed his lover's mouth back with his own...

_0+0+0_

_A/N: To be continued..._  
_No, it's not the end of this story...! There's still so much more to be said... and done. So... watch this space ;-)_


	13. Chapter 13

_**Author's Note : Sorry if it's a bit cheesy... You will learn to live with it though... ;-)**_

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Christian slowly let go, reluctantly pulling away from the magnetism of Syed's mouth. He looked deep into his beautiful eyes, and without speaking another word he turned away.

Syed felt immediately lonely and exposed when Christian's comforting presence left him. For a split second, as he saw Christian walk up to the cab driver, he felt panic rise inside him, the thought that, after all that, Christian might still decide to leave, was as unbearable as it was unlikely... But straight away he knew just how unlikely it was, impossible even,... and a slow smile spread across his face. He just stood there, nervous and trembling, but unwavering, letting the glares and the stunned stares just glide over him, his eyes never leaving the man he adored.

Christian reached for his wallet to pay the cab. "Sorry mate, looks like I'm not going anywhere" he apologized. The man just shrugged, shaking his head, and started unloading Christian's suitcases from the boot.  
Christian looked at Jane "Will you ring mum and explain?" he rasped. She nodded, and smiled encouragingly. He knew how happy she was for him, but she couldn't hide a trace of concern in her eyes. "I'll be OK" he mouthed.  
He looked at Ian. "Sorry, bro" he joked "I'm afraid you're going to have to put up with me as a tenant for just a while longer. Can I have my key back, please?" Ian didn't react, just stood there, completely dumbfounded, staring past Christian at Syed as if he'd just seen an alien land on Albert Square...  
"Ian?" Christian asked again.  
"Dad! Give him the key back" it was Lucy who took over. She snatched the key from Ian's hand, and passed it to Christian with a smirk. "There you are... uncle Christian!" she winked "enjoy yourself... yourselves rather".  
"Luce...!" Christian laughed, "behave!", and gave her a loving peck on the cheek.  
"Can I leave these here, Rox?" He pointed to the suitcases. "I'll come and pick them up... later... some time" But Roxy was speechless. She just stared at him and nodded, still bowled over by what had just happened before her very eyes.  
_Christian and Syed? When did that happen? And why didn't I have a clue?_

Christian picked up his overnight bag and turned to face Syed again, who still stood there, rooted to the spot, gazing at him in loving amazement, as if he couldn't quite believe what was happening. Christian walked up to him, and gently put a hand on his shoulder, his fingers soothingly curling over the back of his neck. He smiled and couldn't resist another kiss – sweet, non-urgent, thorough – and when he pulled back again, he softly said

"Let's go home ... shall we?"

It was all the encouragement Syed needed. His eyes shining, he nodded, and with no hesitation, not even frightened off by Lucy's shameless wolf-whistling, he took Christian's hand...

0+0+0+0

As they were walking across the square, hand in hand, Syed realized he'd never before felt anything resembling the complete joy he was feeling now. His heart was beating hard and fast, and the feeling of Christian's hand in his made his stomach do butterflies.

_I'm going home. _

But... Why then was there this nagging little voice in the back of his head...? This little voice he couldn't shake off, reminding him that despite him laying his heart out for Christian, Christian hadn't yet said it back.  
Syed had lost count of how many times he'd said it over the past ten minutes. Him, Syed, who'd always been so shy and so scared to share his feelings, ... he said it... loud and clear and in front of everyone...  
_I love you.  
_Once, twice, three times... It had felt so natural and so right. And he wanted to say it a thousand times more.  
But Christian hadn't said it back. Why hadn't Christian said it back?

He tried to shrug it off. Surely he was being paranoid. Barely a couple of hours ago, Christian had told him he would love him forever. He'd never heard anything said with more honesty and more feeling than that. And just now, he'd felt Christian's arms around him with such love and so much heartfelt tenderness, it spoke volumes about his affections. Only minutes ago, he'd felt Christian's mouth on his, and through the passionate, loving caress of his lips, Christian had conveyed to him just how much he cared. And now... going home, Christian's hand in his, strong and reassuring. Just _that_ told him more than any words could possibly say.

I _know_ that Christian loves me, Syed thought. _I know_. He doesn't have to _say_ it.

But _why_ doesn't he say it?

He was angry with himself for letting this get to him. Why was he feeling so insecure, when he really didn't have any reason to doubt Christian's feelings for him? Why did he let that little voice spoil this perfect moment for him? This moment he had dreamed of and craved for so long.  
He knew the answer. He'd just turned his life around, left behind everything that had ever mattered to him, and he jumped in, feet forward, wholeheartedly and without hesitation. He knew it was the right decision. He had no doubts any more. But some small part of him still needed the ultimate reassurance, to prove to himself that he had done the right thing.  
_It is the right thing_, he silently insisted. _I know it is. This is what I want... _

_But I need him to say it back..._

He stubbornly pushed away all these thoughts, determined not to be overcome by doubt again, and focussed on what really mattered. He squeezed Christian's hand, and flashed him a beaming smile.  
_We are going home...!_

Christian too was still shaking in disbelief at the idea that he was finally going home with Syed. It still felt unreal, like a dream... and he found himself being careful and cautious about every move he made, every word he spoke, as if he was in fear of waking himself up.

Syed had chosen him. At last!

But despite the overwhelming joy he felt at that, he couldn't stop a vague sense of uneasiness, a indefinable feeling of restlessness, steal over him. Since their first kiss, Syed had become the centre of his universe. He'd given him everything, and then he'd been let down so hard. Not just once, but over and over again. It had nearly destroyed him. He'd forgiven Syed for that. A long time ago, he had realized just how tough Syed's struggle had been, and he'd forgiven him, completely and unconditionally.  
But it did leave him worried.

Could he do this? Could he really afford to drop his guard? What if Syed changed his mind again?

He instantly berated himself for thinking that way. He'd seen the truth in Syed's eyes, he'd heard it ring in every word that Syed spoke, he'd felt it in his tight embrace, in his hands on his face, and in their kiss that had conveyed to him all the things that had been left unspoken.

_This is real_, he reminded himself. _This is really happening._

0+0+0+0

When they arrived at the flat, Christian nervously fumbled with the key, and opened the door. Syed's breath caught when he looked around. Apart from the furniture, the flat looked empty and cold, ... removal boxes everywhere, no cushions on the sofa, no photographs or books on the shelves, even the artwork on the walls had been taken down.

"My God.." he gasped "You really were leaving, weren't you?"

There was no reply. "Christian?" Questioningly Syed turned to face Christian, only to find him staring back at him, with a strange uncertain look on his face. His eyes were brimming with tears. Syed felt a stab of worry in his heart.

"Christian?"

Christian swallowed hard. Coming back to the flat, he'd felt all the memories they'd shared here wash over him, the good as well as the bad, the unforgettable as well as the unbearable. He'd suddenly felt reality hitting him. And hitting him hard.

"I'm sorry, Sy..." His voice caught.  
"I just... need to ask you this again... Are you sure?"  
He blinked to push away the tears that threatened to fall.  
"Please...tell me...! Because... if you're not sure...if you think you might change your mind again... today, tomorrow, next week or... or the week after... tell me now... and... and... I'll be on that plane. Because I... I don't think I could take it if you changed your mind again. I can't do it any more Sy, I really can't... unless you are absolutely sure. So please... tell me. Are you sure?"

Syed felt his heart ache seeing Christian in such turmoil. He silently cursed himself for not realizing just how deep the wounds were that he had inflicted on this strong man.

He stepped forward and took Christian's hands in his. "Look at me" he whispered. But Christian kept looking down, frightened suddenly at what the answer to his question might be. Syed lovingly placed his hands along each side of his face and made Christian look at him.

"Christian..." he softly said. "You can ask me that question as many times as you like. Don't apologize for it, don't ever apologize... You can ask me any time. Any time you need... I will _always_ give you the same answer..."

His thumbs gently wiped away the tears that Christian couldn't stop from falling.

"Yes, Christian. I am sure. I love you! My heart... my heart is so full of joy, just being with you. I don't _want_ anything else. I don't _need_ anything more. You... just _you_... are all I need, all I want. My heart belongs to you, and it always will. I am sure, Christian. I have no doubts. My heart... has no doubts"

Emotions constricted his throat. He gently stroked the other man's face.

"I love you, Christian Clarke. Don't ever doubt that. Don't ever forget it..."

He voice trailed off, as he tried to swallow away the lump in his throat.

"I'm sure, Christian, my heart is _sure_... I won't ever stop feeling this way. But... sometimes I'm just so scared that I'll hurt you, that I'll let you down, or leave, or just... screw up, ... and I couldn't stand it if I hurt you again. That's what still makes me nervous, to tell you the truth. So I'm not going to lie to you...I want to be completely honest.  
Will I get afraid sometimes? Yes... I will.  
Will I have moments of doubt? Of course I will.  
Will my head do battle with my heart? It will.  
And sometimes... my head may even win... and I … I will get scared, I will push you away, say hurtful things,... But..."

Tears welled in his eyes, and slowly started trickling down his face. His voice was hoarse and trembling, but his eyes never strayed from Christian's.

"But when that happens, Christian... If that ever happens... I want you..."  
He swallowed.  
"I want you to think... of this moment. I want you to remember this moment right here... when I look you in the eyes, and tell you... I tell you, without a doubt in my heart, without a doubt in my mind, that... that _I love you_, that I want to _be_ with you... that I am absolutely sure. Always remember this moment, Christian, don't ever forget..."

Syed was weeping now, weeping and smiling at the same time, but he didn't look away from Christian. Christian was speechless, the mixture of emotions sweeping through him, took his breath away.

"I will never forget this moment" he whispered, "never"

Then he shook his head in frustration. He didn't like feeling over-anxious and vulnerable. It was so unlike him.  
"I'm sorry, Sy" he said quietly, "I'm not usually so insecure... so... needy. I'm sorry".  
Suddenly embarrassed, he buried his head in the crook of Syed's neck, not being able to stop tears of relief from falling.  
"I'm sorry" he mumbled.

Syed held him tightly, gently stroking the back of Christian's head, his fingers lovingly combing his hair and massaging the tense muscles in his neck.  
"You don't always have to be the strong one, you know" he whispered. "There is nothing wrong with breaking down sometimes, Christian, with being scared or vulnerable. No one is going to think less of you. Certainly not me."

He slowly rocked Christian in his arms.  
"You'll always be my Superman. You know that"

Almost despite himself, Christians smiled through his tears. Syed was glad to feel the tension in Christian ease away a little.

"Do you know why I like Superman so much?" he asked, only half joking.  
Christian lifted his head and looked at him, a tentative, crooked smile on his face.  
"Go on then, tell me" he said.

"Well, Superman... he's like this superhero, right? He rescues people... he saves their lives and all that?" Christian nodded quizzically.  
"But underneath all that... he is also just a human being. He's just a man... of flesh and blood, with doubts and fears and emotions... And despite being a superhero, he's not scared to show them, he's not scared to be just a man..."

Now it was Syed's turn again to become all emotional.  
"That is why you are my Superman, Christian. You..." he swallowed "You rescued me. You... you saved my life. You... set me free" He tentatively looked up and locked eyes with Christian. He reached out and lovingly caressed his face.  
"My hero...!  
But underneath, Christian,...you are also... just a man. The man... the man I love with all my heart..." He couldn't speak any more.

Christian smiled at him fondly. He reached out his hand and softly ran it down the side of Syed's face  
"I love you so much" he whispered hoarsely.  
Syed's heart skipped a beat. Christian saw the surprise and relief in the other man's eyes  
"What...?" he queried.  
"You said it..." Syed mumbled, suddenly ashamed of himself for even wondering.  
"Didn't you know then?" Christian asked smiling "I didn't know that I had to say it. I thought you knew!"  
"I did... I do... It's just..." he looked away, embarrassed now.  
"I know..." Christian smiled "I know, Sy...It's OK"

He put a finger under Syed's chin, made him look at him again.  
"Now, I want you to listen to me, Sy. And listen carefully. I …. love... you.  
Before you, I didn't know what love was. I didn't believe in love. I didn't think I needed it. But you... when you came along, you rocked my world. And now I don't know how to live without love, without you... We fit. You and me, we fit.. in every way possible. Being with you, holding you, talking to you, seeing you smile... making love to you... it feels so right. And I thought... I thought I had lost you forever. But here you are... with me now, at last... and I can barely believe my luck..."

He cupped Syed's face between his hands and looked deeply into his gorgeous eyes. They were sparkling with joy. He smiled as he could see the absolute love in Syed's eyes shining back at him. Syed's hands slowly travelled down Christian's neck to his shoulders, and further down to his chest. He curved his arms around Christian's back, and pulled him near. Slowly their faces moved closer, and their lips touched with a jolt of pleasure.

As their kiss deepened, the tenderness was replaced by a rush of need that struck them both so strongly, they felt their knees buckle. But as he felt this overwhelming torrent of thoughts and emotions wash over him, Syed drew away, suddenly unsure what it was that he wanted. He wanted to make love to Christian, to be with him completely and without any restraint... but he felt so vulnerable right now. He wanted their being together again, after all this time apart, after all the hurt and the pain, to be perfect and unforgettable. He just wasn't quite sure if he was ready for it yet. He averted his eyes, trying to find his bearings.  
Christian slowly caressed Syed's hair and smiled.  
"It's OK, Sy... We have all the time in the world".  
As always, he was reading Syed's mind. _I've never been able to hide anything from him, he understands me completely_, Syed realized.  
Christian recognized Syed's hesitation for what it was. Syed was not rejecting him, he just wasn't ready yet... after everything that happened today and in the past, after all the emotions, all the hurt and all the tears, what Syed needed right now was not so much passion and frenzied lovemaking, it was just simply being together, their arms around each other, relishing each other's presence... And he had to admit, it was exactly what he craved the most himself right now.  
"We've waited a long time for this. We can wait a little longer. There's no hurry, darling. It will come when you are ready. And when you're ready, I will be right here. And it will be wonderful. It will be perfect"  
"You do understand?" Syed ventured shyly  
"'Of course I do, my love" Christian said, and with a deep, loving, tender kiss, he gave Syed the reassurance he so desperately needed.

"Let's just sit and talk" Christian said, slowly pulling Syed with him to the sofa.  
Syed cuddled up to him, resting his head on Christian's lap, looking up at him with adoration. Gently, so very gently, Christian stroked the back of Syed's neck, with soft, lingering strokes. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said. They just lay together, marvelling and rejoicing at being together at last.  
Finally it was Syed who broke the silence. He gazed deep into those beautiful green-blue eyes, still red-rimmed from all the crying and from the emotion that was reflected in his own.  
"All these tears" he mumbled, ... "so many tears today"

Christian smiled "If we cry all our tears today... there'll be only smiles tomorrow"

At that, new tears started to form in Syed's eyes, but Christian knew that these were tears of joy. Knowing that they shared the same feelings was like a dream come true. He planted a loving feathery light kiss on Syed's lips  
"I love you" he whispered.  
Syed smiled and snuggled up against him, settling happily in Christian's strong arms. Safe at last.

"Christian?" he murmured.  
"Yes, sweetheart?"  
"I've never ever been this happy before."  
He sounded sleepy, but so completely sure.

Christian's heart skipped a beat, as he realized what this meant.  
This was the beginning. Right here, at this very moment in time, the bond between them was truly forged and their life, together at last, truly began.

Emotionally and physically exhausted, Syed at last allowed himself to fall asleep, safely home and finally free...

_0+0+0+0_

_A/N To be continued..._  
_Yes, if you can still bear with me after all this... there's more to come... _


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

A small ray of moonlight cut through the curtains in Christian's flat. The indirect light from the kitchen gave the room a soft glow. Syed opened his eyes slowly, his mind lazily dragging itself from the deep slumber he had been in. He was feeling slightly disorientated. _Where am I_, he thought, in a moment of confusion.

Then he knew.

He felt Christian's strong arms around him, and when he looked up he saw those beautiful green-blue eyes shining down on him with a smile.

"Hey, sleepyhead" he murmured, instinctively running his fingers through Syed's hair.  
"Hey" Syed smiled, gazing at him in wonderment "It wasn't a dream then" he choked.  
He could barely believe his luck.  
"It wasn't a dream... _You're here_!" His voice caught.  
"I mean...,_ I'm_ here... I'm _here_... with _you_..."  
He reached out and softly touched Christian's face. He swallowed when emotion constricted his throat.

"I'm.. _home_"

"You are" Christian confirmed lovingly, "you're home, my love... at last"  
His hands lovingly and gently stroked Syed's face, his neck, his shoulders, his hair... He slowly leaned down to give him a tender kiss, his hand trailing down to rest on Syed's heart. Syed closed his eyes, relishing in the sensation of being touched with such tenderness. He silently put his hand over Christian's and their fingers entwined. So much emotion in such a simple gesture. Syed felt a lump in his throat. He laid back, savouring the realization that he was finally together with the man he loved.

Then it dawned on him...  
"That means I really did it, then?" he said, sounding slightly bewildered  
"Did what?"  
"I really did that... I stood there... in the middle of the square, and declared out loud, for everyone who wanted to hear it... that.. that... I _love_ you...?"  
"Yeah, you did... " Christian said, hesitantly, not quite where this was heading...

Syed chuckled.  
"Good!" he said, grinning the widest grin Christian had ever seen on his face.  
"It was about time and all!"

His hand pulled Christian close and he placed a hungry kiss on his lips. Christian responded eagerly, and when at last they reluctantly pulled back for air, Christian asked:  
"No regrets then?"  
"None" Syed said. He paused then added "Actually... there's one..."  
He quickly brushed away the worried look from Christian's face.

"That I made you wait so long" he whispered "If I could go back in time, Christian, and change one thing... it would that the minute you walked into my life I would've been man enough to admit what I felt for you. Then none of this... mess... would have happened..."

Christian smiled and ruffled through Syed's hair affectionately "Don't you worry your beautiful head about that, my love. That's all in the past. We now have a whole future to look forward to. A whole life _together_ ahead of us...

"Yes... We do" Syed sighed blissfully.  
They lay together for a moment, lost in the moment. It was dark outside, and so very quiet. Only the distant noises of the night, a faraway rattle of a train passing and the giggling of some late party-goers on the square disturbed the silence.

"What time is it then?" Syed asked finally.  
"Dunno... it's the middle of the night"  
"So I fell asleep then, did I...?" Syed chuckled, half joking. "That's just typical...! I go change my life around, and then, bang, right in the middle of it, I fall asleep"  
"Yeah" Christian smiled. "You did... You fell asleep.  
But you were exhausted, sweetheart"

Syed let out a trembling sigh.  
"I was. I was exhausted.. and in a way... I still am. I've... I've been so on edge for so long, Christian. Always scared. Always tensing all my muscles, always ready to bolt, ready to run, to hide... Always concentrating on keeping up the pretence, always making sure the mask was firmly in place, never to be lifted... Living my life was just...hard work.  
And now... I feel like I can finally breathe... I can finally... be... _me_. And... you... You made that happen, Christian. I was so lost for so long, and I never even knew. I spent so much of my life pushing people away, but you wouldn't ever let me. You leapt over the walls I'd built around myself and you saw me for who I really was. And I can finally be myself now. "

He felt so safe here, in Christian's arms... Christian, who was so tenderly holding him, one hand stroking his hair, the other still firmly entwined with his own, placed on his heart.

Christian closed his eyes, overwhelmed by emotions, as he listened to the sound of Syed's breathing, feeling his heart beat strongly and happily underneath his fingers. He could hardly believe that they were here like this. There had been so many obstacles, so many problems. And here they were... together at last.

"I love you, Christian" Syed whispered, his eyes drifting closed again, "I love you so much"  
Then with a small sob he added, "Don't ever leave me."

"I love you too…and I'm not going anywhere," Christian choked looking down on the sweetest sight he'd ever seen.

0+0+0+0

As Syed slowly woke up again, images from the day before flashed through his head...

_"I am gay, dad...! …. I can't hide from it any more. This is me, this is who I am!"_

_"I told them, Christian. The truth…. They know. My father. My wife. My family. I told them. I told them that I love you, and that I need you and that I only want to be with you…  
__The whole world can know, as far as I'm concerned. In fact, the whole world should know. I… love… you!"_

_"Now, I want you to listen to me, Sy. And listen carefully. I … love... you...  
When you came along, you rocked my world... And now I don't know how to live... without you... We fit. You and me, we fit.. in every way possible..."_

He slowly opened his eyes and blinked a few times, before being able to see clearly. He didn't know what time it was; but daylight was streaming in through the curtains, letting him know it was probably quite late.

They were lying together in Christian's bed. Some time during the night, Syed realized, Christian must have carried him there. And now they were lying here, closely entwined, together. Christian, still blissfully asleep, had slung a protective arm over him and all Syed wanted to do, was stay like this forever, snuggled up to Christian's warm, comfortable body.

A warm feeling crept through him. It was the most amazing thing in the world to wake up next to the person you love. Here, in the arms of the one who knew and loved him best, he'd found a refuge from all the doubts, the hurt and the pain. This wonderful man had filled him with his love, and had managed to chase away the shadows.

He carefully lifted his head, and untangled himself slightly from Christian's tight embrace, so that he could watch him sleep. He smiled as he saw him there, looking so peaceful and so beautiful... Morning stubble covered his chin and his hair was all ruffled. But Syed thought he had never seen anything more beautiful in his entire life. Hearing, feeling Christian breathe beside him, watching him sleep, feeling his warmth beneath their shared sheets,... the sheer intimacy of it took his breath away. He just lay there for a while, scanning that beloved face, those gorgeous features, unable to decide what it was that made Christian so exquisite.

Finally unable to resist any longer, he leaned in and gave Christian a soft kiss on the nose. Christian stirred. Syed watched him slowly wake up. He yawned loudly and finally opened his eyes after a few seconds of trying. The first thing he saw was Syed watching him with a wide mischievous smile across his face.

He smiled back.

"Good morning, gorgeous" Syed whispered.  
"Hey you..." Christian stretched with a satisfied groan, and turned on his side, so that they were facing each other.  
"What're you smiling about...? Was I snoring or something?" he asked sleepily.

Syed shook his head. "I just like watching you when you wake up. It's cute."  
Christian raised an eyebrow in mock horror. "Cute? You're calling me cute?"  
Syed laughed. His eyes twinkled with joy. "Sorry, Christian, but you do look cute when you're waking up... pulling faces and rubbing your eyes like a baby."

Despite himself, Christian had to laugh. He looked at those deep brown eyes, and found himself swimming in them again, immediately distracted from his so-called indignation by the emotions that were running inside him. His breath caught in his throat seeing Syed's love for him radiating out of those eyes. How on earth was Syed expecting him to form a coherent thought, or even to breathe, if he kept looking at him like that? It is often said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul. "And they really are."Christian thought, "When I look in those eyes, I really see _him."_

"I had to rub my eyes to make sure that lovely sight I saw was real" he mumbled. He reached out and pushed away a wayward lock of hair that stubbornly fell over Syed's forehead; his fingers lingering for a brief moment on that beautiful face. Perfection, he thought. Beauty. Suddenly emotional, he said "Tell me me that I'm not dreaming, Sy, because if I am, I don't want to wake up". His beautiful green eyes swirled with love and affection.

Syed gently caressed the stubble on Christian's chin, and then, gently holding his face, he leaned in and gave him a soft passionate kiss. When breathing became difficult, Christian pulled away reluctantly and sighed, licking his lips in an attempt to taste Syed just little bit longer.

"Does this feel like a dream then?" Syed asked softly, feeling overwhelmed by their closeness.  
"If it is, I want it to last forever," Christian whispered back, brushing his lips over Syed's earlobe.  
They pulled back slightly, staring into each other's eyes again, happy to be able to simply _be_ together. No words needed to be spoken.

"I love you." Syed finally said with a husky voice. He watched a smile creep across Christian's face.  
"I love you too, Sy... more than anything" he said, and held him close.

As they were lying there together in a contented embrace, entwining so completely that he was no longer sure where he ended and where Syed began, Christian thought about everything that had happened to them in the last year. It was incredible how much everything had changed... how much he had changed, how much Syed had changed, and how amazing it was that everything had worked out for them after all, although not even a day ago it had looked as if it would all be lost forever.

"Mmmmm, I don't want to move," Syed groaned happily against the crook of Christian's neck.  
"Me neither, I could stay like this forever," Christian replied, a smile lighting up his face.  
"We'd get very hungry though" Syed mumbled  
"Yeah, we would... And very stiff..." Christian added. Then he saw the startled but amused look on Syed's face as he looked up in a shot, and realized what he just said. He laughed and ruffled Syed's hair  
"Ooooh, dirty mind, Mr Masood!"  
"Speak for yourself! " Syed scoffed jokingly. "You were thinking the exact same thing, Mr Clarke! And don't you dare deny it!"  
A happy carefree laugh bubbled from his lips and Christian gazed at him with affection.  
"What?" Syed innocently fluttered his eyelashes at him in that so adorable way.  
"I love that smile" Christian said "It's so good to see you smile again"  
Suddenly embarrassed, Syed hid his head again in the nook between Christians shoulder and neck. "Stop it!" he mumbled rather shyly.  
"I'm not having a go" Christian reassured him. "I mean it. I really missed that smile. "

Tentatively Syed looked up and Christian grinned. He pulled the other man close and planted another delicate kiss on his lips. He shuddered when he felt Syed's mouth open beneath his, and the gentle kiss turned into a deep, sensuous assault.

"Can we get back to the topic on hand now?" Syed gasped when their lips finally parted.  
"What's that then?" Christian wondered.  
"Whether or not to get up" Syed said "To be honest... I'm quite hungry actually"  
He saw the smirk on Christian's face "... for _food_" he added, playfully nudging the other man.  
"I haven't eaten anything since … euh.. lunch time yesterday. And then... Then you told me you were leaving and …." He stopped himself. He couldn't possibly tell Christian that the idea of him leaving, had literally made him sick... could he? So he brushed over it and continued  
"And then later... all hell broke loose, and... Well, food was just really low on my list of priorities"

"Do you want to talk about it?" Christian gently asked.  
This wasn't the response Syed had expected. As always he'd seen right through him. Christian's eyes were full of tenderness and quiet understanding.  
"You did an amazingly brave thing, Sy" Christian said, softly drawing comforting circles on his arm. "I know it must have been really painful... If you want to talk about it..."  
"I will" Syed smiled sadly, and he touched Christian's cheek "I will talk about it... but not.. just now. OK?"  
"OK, whatever you need, darling... as long as you know I'm here for you"  
"I know" Syed whispered. "thank you..."

They just lay there quietly for a while, each caught up in their own thoughts.

Then Christian gave Syed a gentle nudge.  
"So... food!" he said "I don't want my man to starve, do I... ? Not when he's finally mine... So... why don't you... go grab a shower, and I sort us out some breakfast...?"  
"Hmmm" Syed smiled. "Sounds good to me... but … euh... if the cupboards are as bare as the walls are, then I think we might have a teeny tiny problem here..."  
"Ooops... I forgot" Christian laughed, slapping his forehead in mock surprise "well, I guess that means a trip to the Minute Mart"  
"No!" Syed exclaimed in horror, "I don't want you anywhere _near_ the Minute Mart!"  
Seeing the startled look on Christian's face at this sudden fierceness, he added more calmly. "I want you here.. with me. I finally have you, and I'm not letting you go!"  
"Oooh, getting all forceful on me, Mr Masood? I like!"  
"Oh shut up!" Syed laughed. Then quieter, he added "It's just.. after everything... I just really want us to be together today... I don't want us to be apart for more than a few minutes... I know it's silly, and it's needy, and it's cheesy but... "

Christian silenced him with a quick kiss.  
"I understand, sweetheart... And I completely agree. I don't want to be apart from you either..." he smiled.  
He thought for a moment... "I have an idea... Go have your shower then, I'll sort some food out"  
"You sure?"  
"Yep..."  
"Euuh.. Christian?"  
"Mmm?"  
"Other problem... Towels?"

Christian laughed, and clambered out of bed. Syed immediately missed his presence. He sat up and with a grin watched Christian move around the flat in a bit of a daze... Finally, he went to one of the removal boxes and frantically started to rummage through its contents, revealing an array of household linens, books and all sorts of discarded clutter. In the end, he triumphantly jumped back on the bed and presented Syed with a stack of fluffy towels.

"Here we are... At your service, sir" he joked "And while I'm at it... I'm sure I'll be able rustle up some clothes for you too"  
"Yeah... that'd be nice" Syed blushed – realizing suddenly that after his rushed 'escape' yesterday, the only thing he owned right now where the clothes on his back.

He started to get out of bed, only to be pulled back rather forcefully by Christian.  
"Oi!" he said "aren't you forgetting something?"  
"Am I?" Syed asked innocently.  
"Yes, you are! Rule number one!"  
Syed rolled his eyes... "Rule number one?"

"Yep..." Christian pulled him close and took his face in his hands. With each word, he planted a little kiss on top of Syed's nose : "Rule... number... one... : you … don't … ever... ever... leave … the room I'm in... not for 5 minutes... not even... for 5 seconds... without... giving... _me_... a … goodbye … kiss..."

"That's rule number one?" Syed smiled, his eyes twinkling.  
"It is... So..you either abide by that rule or..." Christian added with fake severity.

"Hmmm... I suppose I can learn to live with that" Syed mumbled, as he grabbed Christian's neck and captured his mouth for a deep, thorough kiss.  
As they came back for air, Syed said "I'll be quick" and jumped out of bed, out of Christian's grasp.

Christian laid back, stretching his arms above him, and relished in the joy he felt going through him. Sure, a few months ago, it would have been the most natural thing in the world for him to join Syed in the shower and let passion take its course. But he wanted to give Syed all the space he needed right now. It was only a matter of time, and he had no problem waiting.  
Just seeing Syed's eyes shine with delight and happiness, just hearing his heartfelt genuine spontaneous laughter again, and feeling his arms tightly around him,... all that really was enough for now. It gave the expression "making love" a whole new meaning, but Christian knew _that_ was exactly what it was.

He let out a satisfied sigh. And then, realizing he had a few things to sort out before Syed came back, he finally dragged himself from the bed...


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The comforting rush of water cascading over him felt to Syed as if he was washing away the cobwebs in his head. Because he wasn't fooling himself…. He felt happier than he had ever done before in his entire life. He had absolutely no regrets of the choices he made. It felt completely right. He knew he'd finally made the right decision.

But he also knew that some of the events of the day before were going to haunt him for a long time to come. When he closed his eyes, painful images flashed through his head. The look of complete disappointment on his dad's face…. The silent devastation in Amira's eyes… His mother's stubborn rejection… It wasn't something he was going to forget very easily. And soon he was going to have to face up to the consequences of his choice, the consequences for himself and for the people that he loved.

But not today. He shook his head, pushing away all these negative thoughts...  
Today was not a day to be sombre or sad.

Today was a _good_ day, he reminded himself.  
Today was the first day he was free.

He smiled to himself, thinking of Christian. The surprise and wonder on his face… the hope flickering in his eyes…the tears of gratitude and relief. And finally… those strong arms enveloping him completely… those hungry lips on his eager mouth… the dizzying realization that their love had survived the storms... Then this morning…. His heart skipped a beat, when he remembered the gorgeous smile that had appeared on Christian's sleepy face when it had dawned on him that he was there, lying next to him. There really was no better way to wake up in the morning than in the arms of the person you love. Syed's heart was bursting with joy at the thought that he was finally free. Free to be himself, free to be with Christian.  
He could hardly believe it.  
He did it.  
He really did it.  
He chose to be free.  
Today was the real beginning of his life. His new life, together with Christian...

0+0+0+0

Christian looked at the breakfast table he'd prepared, and chuckled to himself. Jane's so-called survival kit for his now abandoned and long-forgotten transatlantic journey surely made for a breakfast that was… well... different, to say the least. But then again, everything about today was different. He felt like he had to pinch himself. It really wasn't a dream. He heard the sound of the shower, and reminded himself that it really _was_ Syed in there. Syed who chose _him_. Finally. Completely.

He closed his eyes and thought about yesterday's events. Syed's voice… so husky but so unmistakably confident, telling him at last that he was sure…Those beautiful eyes pleading with him to believe it…. And finally, holding Syed in his arms, feeling his heart beating in sync with his own, those soft lips at last caressing his own again. And then this morning... What overwhelming joy he felt waking up, realizing that Syed was really there, right there with him…

He could hardly believe it.  
He did it.  
Syed really did it.  
He chose to be free.  
Today was the start of their new life… together.

0+0+0+0

He'd already started to unpack some of the boxes, trying to find some fresh clothes for Syed and himself. Most of his wardrobe of course was stuffed into the three suitcases that were now stashed at Roxy's. There was only the content of his overnight bag and some clothes he'd decided to leave behind. Surely Syed would find something to his liking in there. He made a mental note to go pick up the suitcases from the Vic.  
Not today though.  
Today was just for them together, Syed had said.  
And he was right. Today was just for them. There'd be ample opportunity to deal with the outside world after that.

Christian went to the window and looked out at life moving on in the square. People going about their usual business, as if nothing had happened. He fleetingly wondered about what was going on outside their little bubble. Syed and he were probably the talk of the town in Albert Square by now. He chuckled. Of course they were. He could almost hear the gossiping and tongue-wagging going on. He could hardly blame them after the events from yesterday. As far as he was concerned, people could talk as much about them as they liked, but he wasn't sure how Syed would deal with that. Knowing him, he'd probably be more worried about his parents than about himself.

Christian shuddered slightly at the thought of Masood and Zainab. Syed still hadn't talked about what happened at the Masood house yesterday. By no means could it have been easy. He remembered how they had talked about it in the past. At one of those rare occasions when they had allowed optimism to rule their hearts and their world, they had tentatively talked about it, wondered about what it would be like if Syed confessed all, came clean about himself, admitted to everyone his true feelings...  
In truth, it never had been a real option. Not really. A distant dream, a faraway hope on his account, surely – but for Syed, even talking about it, even just considering the idea, had made him panic. Syed had been terrified of losing his family, of hurting them, of losing their respect. Especially after everything they went through in the past.

And now he'd done it. And he probably had lost his family in the process. Chritian felt a stab of regret for the pain Syed must be feeling about that. He wished Syed would talk about it; about what he told them, about their reactions, and about the pain and the frustration that had led to that moment…. His heart went out to Syed, and he wished he could do something to help him deal with it. But he realized that first Syed had to come to terms with it himself… He'll talk to me when he's ready, Christian told himself. He had every confidence in that.

0+0+0+0

He was in such deep thought that he hadn't heard the bathroom door open, and Syed's barefoot steps approaching him. He suddenly felt Syed's arms softly slipping round him from behind, drawing him close. Soon Syed's entire body was snuggled up against Christian's back, his cheek resting trustingly against his shoulder. Christian wanted to turn, but Syed wouldn't let him.  
"Mmm hmm," he purred contentedly "don't... don't move..."  
They stood there in silence, with their eyes closed, savouring the tranquillity of this magic moment together. Christian's fingers softly caressed Syed's arms that were tightly wrapped around him. Through the thin cotton of his t-shirt, he could feel the warmth of Syed's slightly moist skin against his back, little drops of water from his still wet hair leaving damp patches on his shoulder, his warm breath tickling his neck...  
"I'm so happy" Syed finally sighed breathlessly. "I'm so happy, Christian..."

At that, at the sound of his name so lovingly spoken, Christian couldn't stand still any more. He turned around in Syed's arms, and gently took his face in his hands. He looked into those beautiful brown eyes, and felt his heart bursting.  
"So am I, Sy", he breathed."So am I"  
He pulled the other man close, wrapping his arms around him, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

"Hmmm, you smell nice" he murmured, enjoying the feeling of Syed's naked skin under his finger tips.  
"It's a good thing you forgot to pack your shower gel then" Syed teased, affectionately tickling that sensitive spot at the base of Christian's neck.  
"I didn't forget...!" Christian tried to sound disgruntled, but he couldn't hide the laughter in his voice "It's just... with these "no fluids in hand luggage" regulations… I just couldn't be bothered"  
Syed laughed out loud. "You do have an explanation for everything, don't you? ... Just admit it! You forgot! You, Mr Perfect Organisation, ..… you simply forgot to pack your shower gel…"  
"I didn't!"  
"Yes you did…!"

It was silly and childish, but Christian felt his heart soar, countering Syed's joking remarks, watching those beautiful eyes sparkle mischievously. This carefree banter reminded him so much of how they used to be when they first became friends. How easy and natural things had been between them then. And how much had he missed that...

But his happy thoughts were cruelly interrupted, when Syed suddenly said something that nearly made his heart stop. Christian could tell Syed was trying to make it sound casual... He kept the smile in his eyes and in his voice, but there was a certain edge in his question.

"So… You'd been planning to leave….for a while then?"  
Syed's voice drifted off...It didn't quite sound as indifferent as he had hoped it would.  
Christian looked at him in surprise.  
"What makes you say that?" he frowned.  
Syed suddenly felt very vulnerable with Christian's piercing green eyes looking at him so intently…  
"Well… with everything so organised..." he mumbled shyly "everything packed away in boxes and all that… it just seems… like… you know… as if … as if… "  
He cleared his throat, suddenly realizing how diffident and insecure he sounded.

"I only decided to leave yesterday morning" Christian quietly responded. He couldn't hide a trace of hurt in his voice. "It really was a last minute decision, Sy. I didn't lie to you…"  
"I'm not saying that you lied…. It's just…"  
He looked away.  
"What…?" Christian gently put his hand under Syed's chin and made him look up again. "Sy...?"  
In a helpless, throwaway gesture Syed pointed to the empty walls and the removal boxes around them.  
"All this..." he mumbled.

Christian shook his head affectionately….  
"Oh my sweet Sy… will you just stop putting all these funny ideas in that pretty head of yours… " He gently pushed away a strand of Syed's hair from his face.  
"I only started packing after we talked… _after_ I told you I was leaving."

"I had to do _something_ to keep my mind off you, didn't I…? Something to make me forget how much it hurt to leave you… If you open the boxes... at your own risk, mind you.. you'll see for yourself how _organised_ it really is….!"  
He chuckled. "It was hardly 'packing' really…. I basically chucked everything in a few boxes, just to get it all out of my way, out of sight… Hm... I can't bear to even _think_ about the mess my clothes will be in when I finally dare open those suitcases…  
And as for the artwork…"

He smiled sadly "I couldn't even _look_ at those pictures any more without thinking of _you_, of us... together here in this flat … "  
"I thought if I just packed everything away quickly, Sy, I'd be less tempted to change my mind"

He gently touched Syed's cheek.  
"And then I did it anyway…. I changed my mind"  
"I'm so glad you did" Syed choked  
"So am I, Syed, so am I"

He paused and gathered his thoughts.  
"You know, Sy…" he finally whispered,  
"When you came to find me yesterday... The moment you said my name, the moment I heard your voice, I didn't even have to look at you, I didn't have to hear what you were going to say… I knew at that very moment that I wasn't going anywhere. I was completely lost... straight away. You had me… right there, right then... at the very moment you said my name..."

That simple confession nearly took Syed's breath away. He looked at Christian in awe, his eyes clouding over, but he swallowed away the lump in his throat and covered up his emotion with mock anger.  
"So… are you telling me that… my big.. public... declaration yesterday, all that... spectacle... with everyone looking on, gawking at me…. You're telling me all of that was ... completely unnecessary then?"  
"Well… I wouldn't say _that_" Christian smiled fondly "I actually think it was the most beautiful thing I ever heard..."  
"Hmmm, right…"  
Syed rolled his eyes... "that 'beautiful thing' you call it... that will give the square something to talk about for the next… decade or so…. Yeah…! Very beautiful indeed!" he scoffed

Christian touched his cheek. "Does it bother you, Sy.. that they will talk about us?"  
Syed's answer was immediate and decisive. He beamed a huge smile at Christian.  
"You know what? It doesn't actually! I used to think it would, but.. the honest truth is.. it doesn't bother me at all…. I meant what I said yesterday, Christian. I don't care if the whole world knows that I love you. Because it's true. And if they talk about us… so what?

He ran his hand affectionately over Christian's chest and looked at him remorsefully. "And I'm sorry about my silly comment about the packing... I know you'd never lie... I really... I should have known better."  
"Yes, you really should have" Christian said with a smile, determined to lighten the mood again.  
He ruffled Syed's hair... "especially after the breakfast feast I prepared for you!" He nodded at the table.

Syed turned and eyed the carefully laid breakfast spread.  
"Energy bars?" he laughed "are you serious?"  
"Yep" Christian said. "Jane made me a 'survival kit' for the flight. Probably thought I'd need extra energy…or something"  
Syed went in for closer inspection.  
"And chocolate…"  
"There should always be chocolate… !" Christian said, trying to keep a straight face. "It's the ultimate comfort food… My sister's not stupid, you know…"  
"And to drink… little cartons of…" Syed picked one up, waving it at Christian… "Ribena?"  
"Diet Ribena actually " Christian corrected. "I'm quite sweet enough as it is…"  
"Can't argue with that…." Syed laughed. "But…errr.. what? ….8 cartons of it… ! Doesn't Jane know the "no fluids in hand luggage" rule then? "  
"I guess she thought I was gonna be thirsty on my way to the airport …"

Syed rolled his eyes, and looked at the table again.  
"You know what…?" he finally smiled. "I think this looks like the _best_ breakfast ever. There's ...energy, there's … comfort.. and... there's Ribena! What else does one need? It's absolutely perfect!"

"Glad you approve…" Christian chuckled. "And you haven't even seen what I've sorted out for lunch…"  
"Go on...Tell me!"  
"Noooo…" Christian teased... "you'll just have to wait and see…"  
"Christian...?"  
The other man shook his head, trying to sound determined. "Stop looking at me with those puppy dog eyes, Sy… I am _completely_ immune to them…"  
"Chris-t-ian…" Syed fluttered his eyelashes at him

Christian relented quickly, he knew he'd never been able to refuse Syed anything.  
"Oh go on then…" he sighed " I have for you... a grand selection of assorted biscuits to choose from: chocolate digestives, hobnobs, custard creams or ginger nuts ….Very nutritious, all that... "  
"Oh well... What can I say... Perfection again!" Syed decided. He paused. "And what's for dinner… ?"

"Well... You're pretty demanding, aren't you? Maybe I should think twice about taking you in..." Christian teased, poking the other man in the ribs. "For dinner... I guess I could pop downstairs and get us some fish and chips…?" he said.

"If I let you go, that is…" Syed retorted quickly.  
"Oh... I see... You'd rather starve then, would you?"  
"Hm-mm... Who needs proper food for when there's all this sweetness around?"  
Syed's eyes were sparkling mischievously.  
Christian could hardly resist. "Stop looking at me like that" he pleaded.  
"Like what…?" Syed replied innocently.  
"You know…!"

They stared at each other for a long time, then Christian drew his eyes away reluctantly.

"I'll go grab a shower then. Why don't you start? I won't be long."  
"No way, I'm not starting without you" Syed stubbornly shook his head.  
"But you said you were hungry..."  
"I said this breakfast was perfect…. But you know what will make it even better?... Sharing it with you!"

Christian smiled at him affectionately.  
"OK then… I'll be quick"  
He turned to go to the bathroom.

"Christian?"  
"Mm?"  
"Haven't you forgotten something? ' Syed asked with a cheeky smile. "What about… rule number one?"

"Right!" Christian turned back and leaned in for a kiss. "I hadn't forgotten... I was just testing you", he said, when their lips finally parted.  
"Haha… I bet you were! You're just finding excuses…!"

Christian sighed. "OK, OK... I admit it.. I forgot...! If I kiss you again, will you forgive me?"  
"Errrr... Maybe I will, maybe I won't… why don't you give it a try?" Syed smiled.

He needn't ask twice. Christian quickly lowered his mouth to Syed's again and pulled him into a strong embrace. Syed responded eagerly. His arms reached up, circling Christian's neck as he deepened the kiss, his tongue dancing slowly with Christian's as he melted trustingly against him. Eventually Christian reluctantly broke away; he gently cupped Syed's face, his thumb tenderly brushing against the soft golden skin of his cheek as he stared deeply into his beautiful eyes.

"And… am I forgiven?"  
Syed was still catching his breath."I would have forgiven you whether you kissed me or not…"  
"Thought so... And you are actually accusing _me_ of finding excuses..." Christian teased, giving Syed a friendly nudge ...  
"right,... shower... I'll be quick. Oh, by the way… there's some clothes over there if you want…  
Not that I mind your … euh… current outfit" he added, insolently eyeing Syed's naked torso.

And with that he was gone.

Syed watched him go, butterflies dancing in his stomach. "_I love that man"_ he thought affectionately.  
How good it felt just being here with him, laughing with him, just being happy and carefree...

And flirting with him.  
Of course.  
With each word, each smile, each kiss, he could feel the passion build between them again. It was like a long-lost treasure he was slowly discovering all over again.  
He wanted to be with Christian, be with him completely, give himself to him unconditionally and totally.  
Part of him was aching for it so badly, he could hardly stand it. It was inevitable, it was unmistakeable.

But another part of him was still scared. The months apart had built an expectation that he wasn't sure he could live up to.  
Could either one of them live up to it...he wondered.  
Had it really been so good, or had being separated so violently for so long only served to embellish their memories of it?

His heart knew the answer. Nothing had ever compared to being with Christian. Every other experience had just paled in comparison to making love to Christian.

It still scared him though. Not the thought of making love to Christian, of course... But the idea that somehow they might be expecting too much...  
He needed time. And Christian was giving it to him.  
It made Syed love him even more. If that was even possible...

He felt he was nearly ready.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Author's note : Two beautiful songs (that you will probably recognize), and a wonderful fic written by Rome about the beginning of Christian and Syed's story, have helped me and inspired me to write this chapter. Thank you Rome, and all the friends at WFCTGIO who keep inspiring me. Love you loads.**_

_**Please leave a review if you can. Thanks! **_

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Syed's fingers affectionately caressed the soft white cotton on his lap.  
How can a piece of fabric conjure up such emotion in me, he wondered.  
Next door he heard the sound of the shower, and if he listened carefully he could hear Christian's happy humming cutting through the splashing noise of the water. Syed quietly smiled to himself. He was the one that was making Christian so happy. What a great feeling that was.

He looked again at the white shirt in his hands, and felt strangely embarrassed at the sudden tears that formed in the corner of his eyes.  
_I knew it then_ – he realized. _And I've made him wait so long._

Christian had finally made his way to the bathroom, and Syed had gone to find the little pile of clothes Christian put aside on the sofa. He'd picked the first t-shirt he could lay his hands on and put it on. It was a dark t-shirt with the logo of some organisation or company he'd never heard of. It didn't seem Christian's style at all, he thought. He'd never seen him wear this, yet the fabric was slightly worn and the logo had faded. He'd probably worn it a lot, he realized… Wearing a favourite shirt of Christian's gave him a comforting, warm sensation. Somehow it made him feel even closer to him.  
If that was at all possible.

He abandoned the clothes to go investigate the boxes. He wanted to do something in return, make his own small contribution to the homely feeling Christian had been trying to create with his carefully laid breakfast table. Opening the boxes one by one, he realized Christian hadn't exaggerated when he said he'd just thrown everything in. It was a shambles. Syed chuckled to himself. He found Christian's radio, and plugged it in – tuning it into a local station playing soft music. That would set the mood, he thought happily. Then he went back to his job of clearing some of the stuff away, putting it back in its rightful place. It was strange how well he knew where everything belonged. This flat had been his home for much longer than today, he realized. And now it truly was. This is where he belonged. He felt like humming himself.

Then something unexpected happened. He grabbed the pile of clothes from the sofa to put them with some other t-shirts he'd found, and his fingers hit something familiar.  
His heart skipped a beat.  
And then he saw it.

The white shirt. Christian's white shirt.

And it all came flooding back.

0+0+0+0

"_Cause __this isn't just about religion, is it?"_

_Christian's hand grabbing his arm, forcing him to look back, the heat of that touch sending shivers down his spine, the feeling of those strong fingers on his arm, as if they were leaving indelible scorch marks on his skin. All his senses focussing on that one point of contact, that one sensation that went straight to the very core of his being….  
His heart racing, his breath catching, his eyes darting….  
And finally … their lips meeting. _

Nothing had ever prepared him for this.  
Nothing had ever been the same since.  
Nothing.

If he was honest to himself, he'd fallen for Christian the moment he'd first laid eyes on him. That awe-inspiring man, so different from anyone he'd ever met before. So proud, so self-assured, so confident and happy in himself. He'd envied him for that. He'd wanted to be more like that. How did he do it?  
Irresistibly, uncontrollably, he'd been drawn to him. He'd wanted to be around him, near him, close to him, hearing him, talking to him,… just _be_ with him. No matter how dangerous it was. And it _was_ dangerous. The physical attraction he felt for this beautiful seductive man had been undeniable from the start. And deep inside he'd always known that sooner or later he would not be able to resist, no matter how hard he fought.

And the moment came. The moment he stopped fighting for the first time.  
Syed closed his eyes, reliving every second of that first night together.

_That first kiss, Christian's questioning eyes, a slight hesitation and finally… all that was left was just wanting. Frantic and desperate wanting….  
His hands on that white cotton, and underneath, those rippling muscles, that broad chest heaving with barely contained passion.  
His fingers... frantically struggling with buttons, wanting to touch that warm skin, wanting to feel that strong heartbeat underneath his fingertips, wanting to touch ever... more, and more and more… of this alluring, tantalizing man who made his blood run hot.  
Wanting him…. closer and closer, and never ever wanting to be separated from him and from that feeling again...  
And at the end, lying together, catching their breath, skin to skin, limbs entangled, and his head spinning with a thousand thoughts…: joy, fear, exhilaration, shame, bewilderment, guilt, wonder, pain, amazement….  
But just one overpowering thought that kept hammering in his brain, one knowledge that wiped away everything else, one overwhelming realization...  
His life would never be the same again.  
He wanted this. He needed this.  
Christian._

_I knew it then_. _And I've made him wait so long…_

0+0+0+0

"Hmmm, music… Nice touch, Sy."

Christian's happy voice cut through Syed's thoughts and brought him back to reality with a start.

Christian walked into the living room, barefoot, wearing only his jeans, his hear still wet from the shower, and looked around in wonder. He smiled to himself. His flat - _our flat_, he corrected himself - was starting to resemble home again. Syed had been busy. Books on the shelves, throws on the sofa, the radio on… And the best part of course: Syed himself, in the middle of it. Home. At last.  
His heart skipped a beat.

But Syed didn't quite react the way he would have expected. He just sat there, very quietly, staring at his hands.  
"Did I startle you, love? I'm sorry, didn't mean to…" Christian walked up to him.  
"Oh... Miles away..." Syed mumbled, trying to hide his confusion, but Christian was already there, looking over his shoulder, seeing the shirt in his hands.  
"Yeah… and I can see why" he smiled, affectionately squeezing Syed's shoulder.

Syed took a deep breath, and tentatively turned round to face him.  
His voice was hoarse. "It's a shirt, Christian…. A piece of cotton…. Why does it make me feel like _this_?"

He needn't explain. Christian knew exactly what he meant. He sat down next to him on the sofa, putting one arm over Syed's shoulders, his other hand entwining with his fingers still clutching the white fabric.

"Probably for the same reason I put it in my overnight bag to take it with me. Even though I never wear it anymore…. It's corny as hell, I know..." He chuckled ruefully. "And it's not as if I would _ever_ need a physical reminder of you or of the moments we shared…". He shook his head. "Gosh... I'm turning into a soppy old queen, if you ask me... But I just _had_ to have it with me…."

He squeezed Syed's hand, but Syed wasn't looking up.  
"Sy?" he asked "What is it? What's wrong?"  
"I'm so sorry, Christian…"  
"What for?" Christian asked. He put his hand under Syed's chin, and made him face him. He saw tears brimming in the other man's eyes.  
"What are you sorry for?" Christian repeated, slightly alarmed.  
"For making you wait so long" Syed finally managed.

"Oh my sweet Sy…" Christian breathed a sigh of relief, "stop doing this to yourself! How many times do I have to tell you that I've forgiven you all this, such a long long time ago already...?"  
"I know… but…"  
"But nothing, Sy… Please. Don't be so hard on yourself, cut yourself some slack! You did the best you could in the circumstances you were in. We _both_ did the best we could. There was no escape. It was something we had to live through, a struggle we simply had to ride out,... And we did, we went through it, and yes, it hurt like hell, and yes, it nearly destroyed us... But in the end,... it didn't. It didn't destroy us. In the end, you and I came through, we survived, we weathered the storm... and we're fine now. We're fine, Sy. Aren't we?"

"Yes" Syed smiled through his tears. "We're fine"  
"There you are, then…" Christian comforted him.  
Gently and decisively he wiped Syed's tears away, and tenderly held his face in his hands.  
"So put all this rubbish out of your head, darling. There's nothing to forgive. The past… is just _that_… it's the _past_."

He pointed to the shirt still in Syed's lap. "These are good memories, Sy. _Good_ memories. It's the kind we should remember, and treasure..."  
Syed relaxed and smiled. Christian was right. These _were_ good memories, and he would keep them in his heart forever. He knew he'd struggle with guilt for a while still, but he knew also that Christian would be there to pull him through it every time.

He fumbled with the shirt in his hands.  
"Still missing those buttons I see" he finally said with a mischievous grin.  
Christian laughed out loud as the mood lightened. "Of course they are! The way you... rather... errr... enthusiastically... ripped them off... They were never to be found again...!"  
"Hmmm... well... I guess... I was... slightly excited at the time... " Syed admitted in mock embarrassment.  
"Yeah... That's the least you can say!", Christian laughed, nudging him affectionately.

Syed looked up at him, more serious again. "So you've not worn it since...?"  
"No... I haven't"  
He shrugged. " It's silly, I know... it's just... I just thought... it wouldn't feel right"

Syed cleared his throat. "Would it feel right... if you wore it _now_?"  
Christian smiled. "Would you like me to?"  
Syed nodded eagerly, his eyes sparkling in anticipation.  
"Well..." Christian surrendered quickly "I think this may actually be the moment I've been waiting for... I think it'll feel absolutely right"

Pressing a swift kiss on Syed's lips, he took the shirt from his hands. They both got up from the sofa. Christian chuckled and shook his head.  
"Gosh... We _are_ a pair of soppy queens, aren't we? Such _drama_ about a shirt..."

But Syed didn't answer. He couldn't speak. He was feeling quite light-headed watching Christian get dressed, the white fabric of the shirt sliding rather seductively over his broad shoulders. He couldn't stop himself from staring at Christian's fingers starting to button it. He was blinking furiously, trying to rid himself of the memories that threatened to overcome him.

Christian finally looked up at him with a smile on his face.  
"Still fits" he said smugly, and Syed half expected him to do a little twirl.  
"Yeah," he laughed, "It's perfect", but his voice caught as he was trying hard to ignore how the unfastened top end of the shirt, the part near the collar, with the missing buttons, exposed the hollow of Christian's throat and showed a hint of chest hair peaking out...  
Trying not to notice how the crisp white colour of the shirt contrasted with Christian's tanned skin...  
How the shirt fit tightly over Christian's chest and shoulders and biceps...  
He could not help blushing nervously, and he swallowed hard.  
_Wow, he's stunning..._ he thought.  
And then another delightful realization hit him "_and he's __**my**__ boyfriend!_"

A jolt of joy rippled through him, his heart was beating wildly, but he stifled the thrill he felt. He wasn't quite sure why he wanted to mask these sentiments, why he was trying so hard to hide that eagerness, that heart-stopping yearning he felt for Christian, but he did... Some part of him was still scared of fanning the flame of passion between them again.

And suddenly he felt slightly embarrassed.  
"Let's eat now, shall we" he said quickly, and turned.

But Christian wouldn't let him go. As always, he was reading Syed's mind.  
Of course he'd noticed the looks Syed had been giving him.  
He knew from the expression in his eyes that Syed's emotions were in turmoil. He was overjoyed to see the look of absolute adoration and rapture on Syed's beautiful face. It was like an open book printed so clearly that, to his delight, he could read every one of his innermost secrets in it. He felt a thrill run through his body as Syed's blushing face confirmed his suspicions, confirmed what great affection and inescapable desire Syed undoubtedly still felt for him.

Realizing that, he physically had to stop himself from lifting Syed in his arms, covering his face with a thousand kisses, ripping his clothes off, throwing him on the bed and making love to him as if there were no tomorrow. It's what he desperately wanted to do. But he didn't. Syed wasn't ready. And that was okay. He would never, could never, think of pressurizing Syed again. He'd promised to give him all the time he needed. And that was exactly what he was going to do.

Yet it was hard to resist. Gently he moved his head forwards and placed his lips softly against Syed's. His tongue slowly slipped between his parted lips and entered his mouth as he sensuously and lovingly kissed him. He held him close like that for a little while before eventually moving his head back and looking at him, gazing deep into his dark brown eyes, clouded over by the emotion and the sensuality of their kiss.  
"I love you, Syed. So much." he said.  
He could hear Syed quickly draw a deep breath.

It was a whole myriad of thoughts that filled Syed's mind. The exquisite excitement of Christian's lips on his, the compelling magnetism of Christian's words, the powerful rush of memories that inundated him... He could hardly breathe. He opened his mouth to say something, but words failed him.  
And Christian understood. Again. He smilingly put a finger on his lips and kissed him affectionately on the cheek.  
"It's okay, love. You don't have to say a word" he whispered softly in his ear.  
Then he pulled back and gently took Syed's hand in his. "Now... let's eat" he said with a smile.

Syed was surprised by the sudden change of pace, but seeing the look of pure love and tender understanding etched so deeply on Christian's face, he relaxed and beamed him the widest of smiles.  
"Yeah, let's eat" he said, and with his hand trustingly in Christian's he followed him to the table.

0+0+0+0

Christian had set the table so that they sat close, not facing each other, but at an angle. Their arms grazing whenever they reached out for something, their legs touching, their eyes steeling glances at each other at every opportunity... It felt intimate, comfortable and so completely right. They hardly spoke. Words seemed redundant.

Finally, munching on his second energy bar, Syed chuckled quietly. "I don't even like energy bars... but I have to admit... this is the best breakfast I've had in ages"  
Christian laughed. "I know what you mean...".  
Then added "Almost feels like a date, this..."  
"Yeah, it does..." Syed agreed with some regret in his voice "Though... you and me... we never had a date really, did we?"  
Christian stretched his hand out across the table and lightly curled it over Syed's, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"No, we didn't... but we will, love. We will... Besides,... this..." His free hand motioned around them "This is pretty close, isn't it...?  
A great setting... excellent food... drink of … err... extraordinary vintage..."  
He toasted his Ribena into the air before taking a large gulp, making Syed laugh.  
"There's... perfect background music, and most importantly..."  
Serious now, his eyes bore deeply into Syed's. "... exquisite company."  
He brought the hand he was holding to his lips and kissed it gently, never diverting his eyes from Syed's.

Syed blushed under Christian's gaze, feeling a slight surge of electricity pulse through his veins at the intensity of his look.  
"Yeah... All that's missing is the candles" he tried jokingly, to hide the exhilaration raging inside of him.  
Christian chuckled and squeezed his hand "A candle-lit breakfast... Now that would be something..."

As their laughter slowly faded, Christian felt his heart quicken. The light-hearted atmosphere between them gradually started to change into something much deeper, much more intense. They just sat there silently for a while, holding hands, their eyes locked, gazing at each other.  
Syed felt his heart swell.  
_Could life be any more perfect than this, he wondered._

The music changed. "_Have I told you lately_" sounded quietly through the loudspeakers.  
Christian smiled, pushed back his chair and got up.  
"Now, since we're on a date... I'm going to do what I've wanted to do for a very long time" he said in a husky voice.  
"What's that then?" Syed said, surprised.

Christian reached out his hand, his green, impassioned eyes gazing into Syed's.  
"Dance with me" he murmured.  
"Now...?" Syed was suddenly shy "Here?"  
"Why not?"  
"Because…" he laughed nervously "Christian, it's the middle of the day, we're not on a date, we're in your flat, surrounded by… removal boxes…."  
"And your point is…?"  
"I ….."  
"Dance with me, Sy" Christian insisted gently.  
"I… can't dance…" Syed shook his head, but Christian had already taken his hand and pulled him up.  
"Yes you can" he reassured him.  
Syed was momentarily lost in his eyes; it was as if he was being hypnotized by them.  
"I don't... know how…"

Christian pulled him near.  
"I'll show you…." he whispered.  
"You just… wrap your arms around me…."

Finally abandoning his embarrassment, and giving in to that beautiful, almost hypnotizing voice, and to the call of his own heart, Syed did what Christian asked. He slowly, tentatively put his arms around Christian's back.

"You put your head on my shoulder…."  
With a sigh Syed hid his face in the crook of Christian's neck.

"You close your eyes…."  
"And you just … feel… the music… …"

Christian's voice was barely audible, as the emotion sent a lump to his throat. He gently took one of Syed's hands in his, and placed his other lightly on his waist, tenderly pulling him near.  
"Let the music guide you, Sy... Just let it take you... I'm right there with you, darling…."

Syed let go of his final inhibitions and allowed the music to take over. He felt so safe, so cherished, in the arms this wonderful man.

_Fill my heart with gladness  
__Take away my sadness  
__Ease my troubles  
__That's what you do_

The words of the song seemed made for the moment.

"That _is_ what you do" Syed mumbled against Christian's shoulder "You always ease my troubles… "  
Christian couldn't respond to that, emotion left him speechless. Instead he pulled Syed a little closer into his embrace. They didn't speak. No words were necessary. They just danced, and listened to the song, and let themselves be taken over completely by the sensations conjured up by the words and the music and the overwhelming intimacy of the moment.

When the music faded away, they stood still for a moment, waiting for the next song, and Christian prayed it wouldn't be an upbeat one.  
"Would I be pushing my luck if I wanted another dance from you?" he said as the first notes of another slow song thankfully answered his prayers.  
Syed smiled. "I'd love another dance with you" he whispered.

Then his heart skipped a beat when he heard the words.

_It still feels like our first night together  
Feels like the first kiss  
It's getting better baby  
No one can better this  
Still holding on  
You're still the one_

Syed felt completely hypnotized by the lyrics of the song. He must have heard it a hundred times before, but it never had more meaning, it had never touched his heart more than it did right now at this very moment. He could hear Christian's heart beat close to his own, and without even opening his eyes or looking up, he knew that the other man felt exactly the same way he did.

_First time our eyes met  
Same feeling I get  
Only feels much stronger  
I wanna love you longer  
Do you still turn the fire on?_

Christian couldn't believe it. He felt his heart soaring. It was as if the music was translating everything he felt inside, almost as if the feeling was radiating from his soul. In this perfect moment, he knew that Syed felt the same way too. He sensed how he trembled in his arms and it left no question, not even a shred of doubt in his mind.  
Holding each other tightly, they danced in a world of their own feelings, the soothing music holding them together.

_Still feels like our best times are together  
Feels like the first touch  
Still getting closer baby  
Can't get close enough  
Still holding on  
You're still number one_

Christian's hand slowly slid further back from Syed's waist to the small of his back. Dancing slowly, his other hand, holding Syed's, curled inward, bringing it between them to rest against his chest, against his heart. Everything around them seemed to disappear. The light seemed to dim, the music seemed louder... there was only one world.  
Them.

_I remember the smell of your skin  
I remember everything  
I remember all the moves  
I remember you yeah  
I remember the nights, you know I still do_

Their bodies moved slowly, gently swaying as one. Christian nuzzled Syed's hair, breathing in its enthralling fragrance, and kissed his forehead. He felt Syed snuggle closer and rub his head trustingly on his chest. He slowly let go of Syed's hand, moved it down his arm and wrapped it around his waist, moving both hands now in slow circles against the small of his back. Syed slid his hand up Christian's chest to meet the other one at the back of his neck, running them delicately through Christian's hair. He closed his eyes, resting his head on the other man's shoulder. He was content. It felt so natural and so right to be in Christian's arms.  
They stayed like this for what seemed like forever, an eternity neither had any objection to.

_The one thing I'm sure of  
Is the way we make love  
The one thing I depend on  
Is for us to stay strong  
With every word and every breath I'm praying  
That's why I'm saying..._

"Christian...?"  
It was barely audible.  
"Hmmm...?"  
When Syed didn't answer, Christian tore himself away with some difficulty from the state of pure bliss he was in and opened his eyes. Only to find himself lost again in those beautiful pools of chocolate brown that gazed at him in utter adoration.  
Adoration... and something else.  
Christian's calm was suddenly replaced with something else, and he felt his stomach do butterflies.  
"Sy...?" he tried tentatively.  
Syed finally found his voice.

He reached up, softly touching Christian's face with his fingertips.  
His voice sounded husky and was trembling.

"Make love to me, Christian" he whispered.  
"Please... Make love to me now."

0+0+0+0

**A/N. **_Sorry guys, but I will NOT apologize for cutting at this point... Chapter 17 is on its way... that's a promise ;-)_

_In case you haven't recognized the songs. "Have I told you lately" is originally by Van Morrison (originals are always the best, IMO). _  
_The second song is "Please forgive me" by Bryan Adams._


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Christian could hardly believe what he was hearing. He just looked at Syed in stunned silence. Was he dreaming? Was he hearing things?  
But Syed's beautiful brown eyes held his gaze steadily.

"Make love to me, Christian" he pleaded again.  
"Are you sure?" Christian finally found his voice; it was thick with emotion.  
"Yes, I am" Syed whispered, his eyes swirling with barely contained passion. "I've never been more sure of anything... Please... Christian...!"

To show him just how serious he was, Syed leaned in to capture Christian's mouth in a soft but passionate kiss. His tongue swirled and danced with Christian's, his hands grabbed his hair, wanting to be, needing to be, closer to him. Christian responded eagerly, and the kiss intensified. When they finally pulled back for much needed air, they locked eyes. Christian felt a surge of heat cascade through his body, when he saw the lust and passion in the other man's eyes. Syed looked as if he wanted to devour him, and it was so intense it almost scared him.  
But there was no time for thinking; quickly their heads came together again, and their mouths merged in another deep, ardent kiss. Christian's hands lovingly travelled down Syed's back and grabbed his round, perfect buttocks, pulling him tightly against him.

Wasting no further time, Syed started to unbutton Christian's shirt with shaking fingers, and he felt the other man's body respond immediately. Echoes of their first time together reverberated through both their bodies and their minds. The so familiar feel of the soft cotton fabric underneath Syed's fingertips, swept him back in time, to that first magic night with Christian. To that one moment in his life that he had never been able to forget and that had changed him, changed his life forever. So many times since, he'd relived that moment, sleepless nights he'd spent despairing at the memory of it, feeling completely devastated by the realization that he would never, could never feel it again. He'd been wrong.  
Christian was here, in his arms again.  
For real.

Desperate to relive the memory once more, he grunted impatiently against Christian's lips, when – like before - his frantic fingers struggled with the unrelenting buttons. He pushed away Christian's hands however when he tried to take over. Christian surrendered. This moment was Syed's to seize and to fulfil, and he knew he was going to be the beneficiary. He shivered in anticipation, as he let Syed take control.

Syed eagerly untucked Christian's shirt from his trousers. With the last button finally undone, he put his hands inside Christian's shirt on his broad shoulders and slowly ran his hands down his muscular chest. His lips slid across Christian's cheek to his ear and slowly down his neck. He lightly ran his tongue over each spot that had just been brushed by his lips. Christian trembled with excitement, struggling to contain himself, as he felt Syed's soft, warm breath on his chest. Then Syed finally pushed the shirt off Christian's shoulders and off his arms, stripping his torso bare, tossing the shirt on the floor. With full access to Christian's chest at last, he moved his kisses further down, and his hands, suddenly unhurried now, journeyed, with silky, light touches, along his shoulders, down his arms, across his back... Playfully he flicked Christian's nipples, which soon stood at attention under his tantalizing tongue. He softly ran his teasing fingertips across Christian's bare stomach, down to his sides, across his back, causing him to flinch a little as he tickled his sensitive skin. Then just below the small of his back, just above the swell of Christian's hard buttocks, Syed grazed a spot right in the centre that made the other man's whole body quiver, and set off little fireworks in Christian's stomach. He gasped. Sensing Christian's rapturous reaction, Syed quickly let his hands wander over his lower back until he found the same spot again, and he stroked it over and over, giving Christian the same trembling, helpless feeling each time. He moaned involuntarily. Syed felt his heart skip with delight at the realization he could arouse Christian this way, with just a simple touch.

Finally no longer able to stand it, Christian sighed deeply and finally gave in to his desire, drawing closer to Syed, even though it seemed hardly possible to get closer still. He willed himself to slow down, to control his breathing, to take it easy... With trembling hands he gently brushed the hair away from Syed's neck, and leaning close, his lips hovering over that beautiful golden skin, he lightly started nuzzling his neck. Syed shuddered as Christian's warm breath tickled his frenzied skin. He felt as if he was on fire. Christian dug his fingers into Syed's scalp, tilted back his head, and passionately took his succulent lips in his again. As Syed's mouth eagerly opened up under his, and his tongue delicately started licking at his lips, Christian felt himself become a little undone. His knees buckled. They kissed deeply, tenderly. Christian's tongue slowly danced across Syed's bottom lip. Then he moved on to the upper lip, nibbling on it slightly. He gave this kiss everything he had, trying to tell Syed all the things that he couldn't say with words. Syed closed his eyes, letting his body respond to the kiss. Christian's lips were sweet and warm, feeling absolutely wonderful, pressed against his own. Christian's strong gentle hands roamed across Syed's waist, so soothing, yet so insistent, sending shivers down his spine, giving him goose bumps all over his body.

Unable of any clear thought, Syed snaked his arms around Christian's neck again, and moaned gently into Christian's mouth as he felt his hand slide up his t-shirt, along his stomach and then his back. While never breaking the kiss, Christian slowly backed Syed to the bed, and lowered him gently down to it. Taking a moment to compose himself, he let his gaze drink in his lover's beautiful body. He couldn't believe how absolutely perfect Syed was, even fully clothed still, he was mindbogglingly gorgeous...

"I love you so much, Sy" he said seriously as he looked deeply into the other man's eyes.  
"Show me" Syed pleaded, reaching out for him. "Let me love you, Christian. I have missed you so much. I can't tell you how much I've missed being close to you..."

Christian didn't need any further convincing. He pulled Syed close again for another mind-blowing kiss. Their tongues danced together sensuously and their bodies strained to get closer.  
Christian's hands went back to the hem of Syed's t-shirt, fingers diving underneath, desperately aching for the feeling of Syed's skin against his own again. Syed growled against his lips, and it reverberated throughout Christian's entire body. When they finally pulled their lips apart to take a breath, Christian started tugging impatiently at Syed's t-shirt, struggling to pull it off him.

"Let me." Syed raised his arms, and in a moment the t-shirt was gone, lost somewhere on the floor.

Christian's hands danced freely across his skin now, soft lips finding the pulse point at his throat as he wrapped his lover tightly in his arms. His teeth and warm tongue gently touched the tender spot where shoulder met neck.  
"I missed you too, Sy," he murmured, between the soft lazy kisses and the sweet little bites. God, he tasted amazing, like... like everything wonderful Christian had ever known. Like the summer sun on his face, like birds announcing spring, like the warmth of an open fire in winter, like Christmas morning...  
Like... utter and complete pleasure.  
Like Syed.

He kissed Syed's chest, slightly dampened with sweat, and licked a wet trail up to his collarbone, then to his throat, kissing, sucking, nipping at it... his chin, his lips, his nose, his eyes... Back down again then, settling his mouth on one of his nipples, his tongue dancing over that sensitive spot, his breath cooling the skin his hot lips had just warmed. The intense mixture of sensations had Syed moaning with desperate wanting. All he could do was lie back, stare sightlessly at the ceiling and feel Christian driving him deeper and deeper into desire.

"Christian!" It came out more like a breathless gasp instead of the loving whisper Syed had intended it to be, but he was so caught up in the passion running through him, it barely registered in his frenzied mind.  
Syed saying his name in that low, husky voice incited Christian more than anything else could have done.  
"I love the way you say my name." he whispered in Syed's ear, the breath of his smile in his neck making Syed shudder.

Christian's hands continued to roam Syed's stomach, slipping down to caress his navel as he flicked it with his tongue again and again. Syed's hips were moving, sending Christian's fingers further and further southward, until they finally brushed that obvious bulge, straining to be released.

"Christian!" Syed gasped when he tentatively, teasingly touched him there. Christian looked up at Syed's face, watching the blush on his cheeks – so unbelievably sexy as he blushed so innocently. But innocent he was not, Christian knew. He leaned back in to kiss him again - hard, greedily, this time, pressing his hand firmly against Syed's aching crotch.

Suddenly, with a strength neither knew he'd possessed, Syed gripped Christian's shoulders, and the next thing he knew Christian was on his back, Syed on top of him, pinning him down, pushing himself closer until his chest made contact with his own. Syed's erection snuggled tightly against Christian's, as he deepened their kiss. Not able to wait any longer, Syed eagerly slipped his hand down Christian's pants and began stroking his cock, revelling in the exquisite feeling of that satin-like hardness. At that touch, that feeling he missed so much, Christian desperately tangled his fingers in Syed's hair and breathlessly savaged his mouth.

Syed's hands couldn't stop moving... groping, touching, pinching, caressing... almost frantic in their pursuit for more. More contact, more skin to grasp, more... Christian. He moaned, unable to get enough of Christian's heat.  
And again clothes were in the way.  
They fumbled with their trousers... zips and buttons and sturdy fabric that simply wasn't moving. Syed reluctantly released his lips from Christian's to gasp for air. He set himself up on his knees for a moment, and somehow managed to take off his jeans and boxers without losing contact with Christian. Christian followed suit, glad of Syed's help in slipping his trousers down his legs and off the bed. And then Syed was on him again.

They were finally skin to skin again, nothing between them, and they let their hands roam freely over each other's body, touching and treasuring every bit they could reach as if it were a precious mystery to discover. Christian felt blessed. He knew that the pleasant shock of Syed's skin against his own would never lessen, this feeling would never ever become casual or commonplace. Together again. At last.  
Chest to chest, stomach to stomach, cocks and hips matching, hands stroking skin and eyes and lips, mouths merging, again and again... Christian ran his hands up and down Syed's back, from his shoulder to the round curve of his buttocks, and the feathery light trails left by his fingers made Syed's skin tingle with desire. Groaning into Christian's mouth, he slipped his legs even closer, so that their fronts were pressed together, almost as if trying to merge them, body and soul. They fit together perfectly, their manhoods snuggling up against each other. Both felt a charge of electricity going through their bodies, blood rushing through their veins like molten fire.

Frantic with his desire for Christian, Syed felt a desperate urgency, an uncontrollable neediness flooding through him. And all at once it dazzled him, bringing unexpected tears to his eyes. He squirmed, hesitated, momentarily, not knowing what he wanted to happen. He felt so good, but part of him was still so scared that it almost hurt. It felt like his insides were tearing apart. He wanted this to be true, to be right, to be perfect... but he felt so out of control it almost paralysed him… "C_hristian... Help me. Please, help me!"_

Feeling the other man tremble, hearing the unspoken plea in his ragged breath, Christian forced himself to slow down. He pulled back slightly, and in a soothing gesture he took one of Syed's desperately shaking hands in his own, squeezing it affectionately. As their fingers entwined he could feel Syed calm down a little. He lovingly cupped Syed's jaw in his other palm and tenderly wiped away the strands of hair from his flushed face.  
"Shhhh, my love" he whispered. Syed's eyes closed, and he breathed shakily, when Christian's thumb brushed over his lips in that most sensual gesture. Then the same loving fingers softly wiped away a lone tear that Syed couldn't stop from falling.

"Look at me, Sy", Christian said gently, "look at me", and with no hesitation Syed complied. His eyes, nearly black now with unspeakable emotion and hardly contained passion, were darting desperately over Christian's face. Christian soothingly caressed his cheek, forcing his lover's wild passionate gaze to focus, even for just a moment.

"Tell me what you want, Sy. What can I do? What do you need?"

"_You_!" Syed whispered hoarsely. The answer was immediate and instinctive and came with an intensity that sent more shivers down Christian's spine. "I need _you_!"

"You _have_ me. You'll always have me, Sy. This isn't a dream. I'm here, sweetheart."

Christian pulled him back into a tight embrace. Their bodies touched as much as any two bodies could, Christian supporting Syed's slender form completely. They just lay there for a moment, gazing into each other's eyes, foreheads touching, so close their eyelashes nearly tangled. Syed slowly relaxed, and found himself revelling in the incredible feeling of being so completely touched, every inch of him... touched by Christian.

Then they couldn't wait any more.

Their lips met again. At first, the touch of Christian's lips was light and soothing, but soon the heat building up between them made him more insistent, less controlled, more demanding. Syed matched Christian's impatience with his own, trying to touch and kiss Christian everywhere and all at once, never feeling that their bodies were quite close enough.

Their cocks were caught between them, rubbing, sliding across sweat and pre-cum and hard muscle. Syed's head fell back with a groan that he couldn't in any way control. It was perfect. So perfect. Hot and hard and smooth and perfect and...  
And suddenly he was afraid again... He could feel himself giving in, letting go, and he still wasn't sure if he could do this. Completely give himself, completely let go...

"Christian..!" he gasped.

Christian said nothing, just touched his face so softly, so soothingly, Syed thought he'd imagined it. But then he felt it again. And again, and then it was everywhere, across his nose and his lips and his cheek, through his hair and down his neck.  
And as he always did, Christian just understood_. _He knew what Syed wanted to say, without having to hear the words. He knew what he needed.  
"Don't be scared. I've got you, Sy. I promise I do."

"Christian... please...! I... I need... I can't... I can't...Don't stop... I... " Syed pleaded helplessly, his voice breaking, as he tried hard to catch his breath, struggling with all his might to regain some control of himself and his body.  
"Shhhh..." Christian mumbled soothingly "It's okay, Sy, it's fine. There's no rush... Just let yourself go, let yourself feel... I love you. I've got you. I'm not letting go. It's fine... "

Syed listened to Christian's voice, and he suddenly knew. It hit him. Hit him like a hammer to glass.  
He craved him. He craved Christian, more than he'd ever craved him before this moment.  
He wanted this. He wanted to be loved and touched and... _claimed_ by this beautiful man he trusted with his heart, with his life, with his entire being...  
He longed to be overwhelmed by Christian's need as well as his own. He wanted everything Christian had to give, if for no other reason than to just be _his._

"Look at me, darling. Look at me..."  
Syed opened his eyes, trying to focus on Christian's radiant green eyes, unwavering, loving, understanding and so incredibly patient.

"Just relax, Sy... Just relax, and _feel_" Christian whispered soothingly "Just feel... Feel us".  
He affectionately rubbed his nose against Syed's, and pressed small kisses all over his face. He could feel himself drowning in those brown, brown eyes, looking at him with such complete trust, with such complete surrender. He draped one arm protectively around him, sliding his hand lightly over his spine, and feeling every muscle, every nerve, every cell in his lover's body react instinctively to his touch. The fingers of his other hand threaded into that soft, thick hair, combing it, smoothing it with comforting strokes.  
And with a sudden revelation Christian realized that his desire, his love for this delicate, gentle and equally enticing, ravishing man was still growing. It seemed impossible that he could want Syed even _more_ every time they made love. But he did. And it took his breath away.

Desperate to translate his feelings and emotions into actions, he squeezed his legs around Syed's hips, trying to pull him even closer. Syed couldn't think anymore, all he could do was feel... feel their bodies so close together. He groaned softly, rubbing back against Christian.  
"I do feel you" he murmured with a catch in his throat. "You feel... amazing," His breath caught, as he felt himself getting even harder from the mere touch of Christian's length against his own. He gripped Christian's hips tighter to get him closer, to make the friction even hotter. He gasped for air. Uncontrollable desire was running through his veins, and Syed wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to contain himself.  
But it didn't matter. He was here, with Christian, and that was all that really mattered now.

Christian gently but firmly held Syed in place on top of him, calming him and soothing him, and with just the tiniest movements of his groin he kept turning on the heat between them. Their faces were only inches apart and Christian moved closer still, brushing Syed's lips with his.  
"Look at me, darling, look at me..." Christian felt complete awe, seeing those beautiful, large, dark eyes open, looking at him in rapture. Was it possible to make love with just your eyes and your mind, he wondered...  
Overwhelmed. That's how he felt, how he always felt every time he thought of Syed, looked at Syed, felt Syed... That look in his eyes that made him feel as though he was looking right into his very soul, something he had never been able to do with anyone else.  
He kept kissing Syed's face, caressing his neck, brushing his teeth along his skin, making him shudder.  
"Just _feel_, Sy" he whispered again as he softly kissed his earlobe. Syed was gasping with pleasure with every move Christian made against him, one hand still gripping Christian's thigh and one going in his hair, entwining his fingers in it tightly as he squirmed and bucked against Christian's body. Small soft cries escaped his throat, gradually growing more frenzied as he felt himself getting closer to the edge.  
His body was feeling slick with sweat, hot to the touch, and his heart was racing wildly, as he was trying - desperately - not to come. And in the same breath, he was so incredibly desperate to come. These contradictory sensations tore him in separate directions.  
Not wanting this to be over and, at the same time wanting it be over _now_.  
It was too fast... Too fast. But yet not fast enough.

He was whimpering with need and arching his body. "Christian.. please.. I can't..." he gasped. "I... I'm so close...Please...!"  
"It's okay, Syed." Christian soothed. "You're okay, you can come."  
Syed whimpered wantonly, his hold on Christian tight and desperate.  
"I can't stop it... I..."  
"Shhh… don't try... it's okay, darling, it's okay, let go, I'm right here. Come on…"  
Christian carefully shifted a little again, rubbing his length against Syed's. Syed arched and pushed himself closer. "Aah... Christian! "  
"I've got you…"  
Syed's release finally hit him, flashes exploding behind his eyes, and he struggled to swallow his scream. He shattered in Christian's arms, trembling against him, his hand pulling desperately at his hair and digging his fingers in his thigh.  
He felt his orgasm ripple through him like a tidal wave, spreading and spreading to every nerve in his body, to the tips of his toes and his fingers. His head buried in the crook of Christian's neck, his eyes clenched closed, gasping for air, the overload of emotions and physical sensations made his body shudder and jerk helplessly against Christian's.  
And Christian just held him, close, softly, comforting... his hand slowly caressed his back with long loving strokes. Safely tucked in the arms of this gentle giant, Syed quietly twitched against him as the last tremors of his release subsided at last.

Christian felt a lump in his throat, holding Syed in a tender embrace, kissing him softly  
"So beautiful," he whispered "you are so beautiful..."

He couldn't remember ever feeling anything as wonderful as this.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Christian had slung his arms around Syed, hugging his gorgeous, panting lover tightly against his chest.  
"You are beautiful," he whispered again and affectionately brushed his mouth over Syed's hair. "You are so beautiful..."

Syed clung to Christian as tightly as his exhausted limbs would allow. His mind-blowing orgasm had overwhelmed him completely, and suddenly he felt embarrassed.  
As he always did, Christian sensed something was different. He turned his head and pressed a soft kiss on Syed's shoulder.  
"What's the matter?" he asked, pulling back a bit to try and look at his face. Syed however didn't feel capable of answering him. Instead, he buried his face in the crook of Christian's neck.

"Nothing," he said, trying to shrug it off. But when he hesitantly looked up, it was clear that Christian didn't buy into that. He just raised his eyebrow in a silent question.  
Syed finally said, very quietly, "I'm not sure..."

Christian slowly shook his head and gently started stroking Syed's back.  
"Tell me anyway," he whispered soothingly, pressing his lips against Syed's temple.  
Syed blinked, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. He swallowed away a big lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry" he said, his voice barely a whisper.  
He wasn't quite sure what he was apologizing for. He didn't know either why he was feeling so helpless all of a sudden. He only knew that he was completely and utterly overwhelmed.

Christian was taken aback by Syed's apology, he felt his heart sink all the way down to the very pit of his stomach.  
"Sorry? What on earth would you be _sorry_ for?" he asked.

But Syed just helplessly shook his head, trying to get rid of that awful feeling of weakness. "I don't know what's wrong with me," he said. He shyly tried to pull away... away from these strong arms holding him so close, away from those piercing eyes looking straight into his soul, away from the sweat and the heat on their bodies bearing testimony of what had just happened.

But Christian wouldn't have any of it. He tightened his arms around him "It's okay, Sy" he whispered softly, stroking up further along Syed's neck and all through his hair. "Shhhh, come here". They both moved so they were lying on their sides, their legs entwined, facing each other, looking into each other's eyes.

"Talk to me" Christian insisted gently.  
"I just... I didn't..." Syed started, and stopped to shake his head again. He leaned his forehead into Christian's chest and closed his eyes, trying to hide his embarrassment, and fighting to get back some control over his feelings.

Christian didn't speak and just held him, giving Syed the time to collect his thoughts. But when the words finally started to come, he still averted his eyes.  
"I... I just wanted it to be perfect, Christian. I wanted... I didn't mean to... come so _quick_, it was _too_ quick and... You didn't... I... I wanted to give you _so much_... _everything_.. and I didn't... I couldn't... I came so fast and you, you...I wanted it to be _perfect_..."

He couldn't go on. Christian closed his eyes, feeling his throat tighten. How could Syed not see the beauty of what just happened?

"Sy? Please... Look at me" Christian brought both hands up to cup Syed's face. "My love. It _was_ perfect" he said, when he finally trusted his voice again. It was thick with emotion.  
"My god... Do you... do you really not _know_ what you've just given me, Sy? How can you _not_ know what you are giving me...?"  
He swallowed hard. "You know, I thought I'd seen it all, done it all, felt it all... but this... this... I've never ever felt before." He gently brushed away a lock of hair from Syed's face, his radiant green eyes drawing in Syed, forcing him to look back.  
"You _came_, Sy, just from the touch of my body to yours. You trusted me to take care of you, while you let go... completely... And that, my love... that was the most beautiful gift you could ever give me. How can you possibly think that that is not enough?"

The look Christian gave him was such a gentle one, it left Syed breathless. For a moment he felt completely unable to speak.  
"I really am sorry" he finally whispered.  
"Oh Sy..." Christian sighed, he sounded a little exasperated. "We really are going to have to do something about this, won't we..?"  
"About what?"  
"About this... _guilt_ thing you got going on..." Christian locked eyes with his.  
"I love you, Sy. I don't ever, _ever,_ want you to feel sorry about _anything_ when you're with me. You do not _ever_ have to apologize to me... for being who you are, for doing what you do, for feeling what you feel... I love you, just the way you are. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's the simple truth. I don't want you to second-guess yourself. I just want you to be the person you want to be, do the things you want to do... I don't ever want you to feel that you have to say sorry for anything..."

His kind words brought back tears to Syed's eyes. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from apologizing again. And he wanted to apologize... Christian was right. Here he was, in the only place he wanted to be... Lying in bed, held tightly by the man he loved with all his heart, the most gorgeous man in the world, having just experienced the most mind-blowing orgasm ever, and... what did he do? He started talking rubbish... apologizing no less... and _crying_. _Again_. He frustratedly wiped those damned tears from his face that were upsetting Christian, and tried to find the right words to explain how he felt. He swallowed.

"This is so embarrassing. I can't believe I'm crying again." He hiccuped a little. "I'm just... I don't know... there's so many feelings, so many emotions, and I'm trying to control myself, I really am, but sometimes... I just... don't know what to do with myself when I'm with you. You bring out all these wonderful feelings and say such beautiful loving things... You make it sound like I'm doing everything right when in fact... most of the time... I … I don't know what the hell I'm doing. You keep making me let go and it makes me feel silly and inexperienced and I... I get scared. You see..." he shook his head. "... the man you seem to think I am? That picture you have painted about me? Sometimes I'm so afraid that I can never live up to that... "

"Darling" Christian murmured soothingly, interrupting Syed's ramble "I understand that you can't see yourself the way that I do, but I can assure you, I'm not making up some fantasy that I expect you to become. I just want you to be _you_. Nothing more than that. But nothing less than that either..."

Syed blushed. "Christian...You say these wonderful, overwhelming things... and I know you don't want me to apologize, but...I'm really sorry that I get like this. I just... I... I love you so much..." he whispered.

Christian smiled at him affectionately "Okay then, apology accepted..." he said kindly, taking Syed's hand in his.  
"And _I _love _you_"

Lacing their fingers together, they kissed tenderly. Christian slowly trailed his fingers along Syed's side, over the curve of his shoulder, along the regular waves of his ribcage, into the dip of his waist and up over his hip, sliding halfway down his thigh before he started moving back up again. He felt Syed calm under his slow and gentle touches, and when he looked up, Syed met his gaze with a shy smile, his eyes mirroring Christian's own feelings.  
For a while, they just lay on their sides facing each other, neither one of them saying anything, just gazing into each other's eyes. It was Syed who finally broke the silence.  
"It's okay," he smiled. "I'm fine..."  
Christian tenderly brushed his finger down Syed's cheek.  
"Yes, you are, my love... you are here... with me."

"I talk too much, don't I?" Syed sounded remorseful, but was careful not to say 'sorry' again. "Have I completely ruined the mood now?" He bit his bottom lip.  
But Christian chuckled and affectionately ruffled his hair. "You, my darling, you could never ever ruin my mood, not even if you tried". He paused and gazed at Syed's face. "and especially not when you do _that_"  
"Do what?" Syed asked innocently.  
"Bite your lip … in that... inimitable.. sexy way of yours"  
"Sexy... _Me_?"  
"Haha... Fishing for compliments now, are you?"  
"Well... you know..." he bit his lip again.  
"OK then... Let me show you just how sexy I think you are" Christian said and leaned in to reclaim Syed's mouth.  
He ran the tip of his tongue lightly over Syed's lips, tracing the shape of his mouth, then using his tongue to coax it open. Syed complied happily, granting him access. Christian plunged in, and as the energy and the passion was coursing through their bodies, they moaned loudly into each others' mouths. The kiss deepened and Syed felt himself responding mindlessly, his fingers running through Christian's short hair, pulling him as close as he possibly could. Christian's body hardened, he groaned, grinding his hips into Syed's. He put a hand on either side of Syed's waist, pulling him near so that he could feel his arousal. Then they had to pull back to gasp for air. But not for long. Christian grabbed Syed by the back of the head, and as their lips crashed together once more, Syed could feel Christian's growing erection hard against his thigh. Christian swirled his tongue around inside Syed's mouth. He felt himself grow even harder.  
Syed felt like he physically couldn't stop kissing Christian, but he had to pull back for a much needed breath. Pressing his forehead against Christian's, he struggled to slow down the beating of his racing heart, tongue-tied from the effects of the mind-blowing kiss. As they were both trying to calm down, they looked at each other in silence. Christian's eyes were hungry, searching...

"So now that we've established that the mood is definitely not... dead... Why don't you tell me what you want to do next?" he breathed.  
"Do?"  
"Yeah, Sy, tell me what you want to do..."  
Syed blushed slightly, he lowered his gaze, then met Christian's eyes again.  
"I want... I want to make you come"

A slow smiled spread across Christian's face, lighting up his features.  
"That... my dear ... is what I call a _plan_! An excellent plan even..."  
He let himself fall on his back, spread-eagled, in a gesture of complete surrender.  
"Here you go. I'm all yours. Go right ahead, my love, and do your worst"

Syed smiled too, and let his eyes wander over Christians beautiful body, letting his gaze travel all the way from that radiant face, to his throat, his broad shoulders, his erect nipples, his tout stomach, and further down... his obvious arousal clear to see, his skin still glistening with sweat and the juices he himself had left behind. Those long strong legs. And up again, all the way up, Syed stared, caressing with his eyes every line, every curve, every beautiful detail of his Christian. And finally their eyes met again. Christian was looking at him unwaveringly, so much love in his eyes.

"Well?" Christian teased "Are you going to make me come with just your eyes?"  
"I'm sure I could, if I tried... But ... I could also do _this_" Syed leaned in, feeling reckless suddenly, capturing Christian's lips in his again. Christian moaned and opened his mouth, accepting the tongue that insistently sought his own. He folded his hands around Syed's face and pulled him closer, their mouths tightly and desperately locked together in a kiss that seemed almost surreal to them both.

Syed finally broke the kiss, his eyes never leaving Christian's. He smiled wickedly, his eyes flashing with mischief.  
"I want to... " he said huskily, playfully capturing Christian's lower lip between his teeth, muttering in between kisses and nibbles,"...please you..., tease you..., torture you... until you scream and beg me... for more" His teasing tongue made Christian tingle with desire. He felt his heartbeat quicken.  
"Trust me" Syed promised "I'm going to make you feel _so_ good, you won't know what hit you"

"Give it to me now" Christian groaned "Please darling, don't make me wait..." But Syed pulled back, and gently but firmly took Christian's eager hands in his, stopping them from roaming all over his body.  
This was his moment. He was setting the pace.

"Not yet." he whispered against Christian's love-bruised lips. "Lie on your stomach for me."  
"My stomach... but... ?" Christian protested.  
"Yes... go on... I want to torture you a little more." He gave Christian a sexy smile.  
"But I want..." Christian said.

Syed interrupted him, "Oh, I _know_ what you want... And you'll get your chance, Christian, don't worry... but not until I've done what _I _want... and not until I've teased you a little more..."  
Christian groaned with frustration, but he complied. Begrudgingly, he rolled over onto his stomach, curious about what Syed was going to do next. As his lack of patience soon got the better of him, he risked a quick look over his shoulder, but Syed was adamant  
"Close your eyes, Christian. Lie down. Relax. No peeking..."

Christian closed his eyes again obediently, his heart pounding with anticipation. Relaxing was out of the question though. His hard cock was raging, pulsing, imprisoned between his body and the mattress. In fact, his whole body felt as if it were humming, sizzling, anticipating Syed's touch. But he stayed as still as he could, feeling the bed give a little under Syed's movements. Then Syed was behind him, above him, and finally straddling his legs, the insides of his thighs squeezing the outsides of his knees.

He could hear Syed breathing raggedly, fighting as he was to maintain control of himself. His desire was so palpable Christian could almost taste it. He smelt him, felt the intoxicating heat of his body, and he shivered. Not being able to see exactly what Syed was doing made him even more aroused, as he tried to imagine what the teasing torture was that Syed had planned for him.

When nothing happened at first, he was tempted to open his eyes to see what Syed was up to. But he didn't give in, and he was rewarded when at last Syed's fingers slowly started long, lazy, feathery light strokes of his back. He gasped when they caressed him everywhere, starting from the nape of his neck, working his way down his spine, to finally rest on the curves of his bum. He shuddered when they lingered again at that special spot at the small of his back that they'd discovered earlier. Then Syed's mouth took the place of his fingers, roaming over Christian's back. Barely brushing against his skin, his breath almost felt heavier than the touch of his lips. These soft, teasing, random nips and nibbles, especially when they reached his sensitive lower back, made Christian nearly jump and cry out in frustration.

He could feel Syed's hot breath against his skin, he could hear his soft moans in his ear. He shifted slightly to accommodate his growing erection. His cock throbbed painfully between his body and the mattress, the sheet becoming slightly damp underneath him with his pre-cum.

And still Syed kept tormenting him, switching his caresses from lips to fingertips again, and again, back and forth... He could hear Syed's breathing growing more erratic as he struggled to control himself, his own groans became more desperate. Christian thought he would go mad if Syed didn't give him more... give him more soon!  
"Please, Sy... please!"

"What does 'please' mean, Christian ?" He was hovering over him now, on his hands and knees, planting small kisses on his shoulder blades, nuzzling his neck. The heartfelt sigh Christian gave at that, made Syed's insides do butterflies, but he was relentless.  
"Does it mean 'stop' or 'more'?" he insisted.  
"You know!" Christian said, pleadingly.  
"Yes, I do… but I want you to tell me."  
"More...I want more" Christian groaned.  
"More of what...?" Syed teased.  
Unable to speak Christian just shook his head, buried in the pillow, feeling his erection nudge against the sheets under him. He desperately struggled to calm his breath.  
"What would you like more of, Christian?" Syed repeated softly, delicately drawing his fingers up and down Christian's spine again.

Christian just groaned, only unintelligible moans escaping his throat.  
"I could do more kissing, Christian..." Syed teased. He left a trail of sweet wet kisses, from the base of Christian's skull down to his spine. Christian whimpered when he felt Syed's breath, moist and warm against his skin.  
"Or... More of this?" Syed murmured, nipping gently at Christian's ear. His hands kept moving, sliding relentlessly down Christian's sides, over his hips, savouring the feel of those hard muscles underneath that amazingly soft skin.  
"I might be persuaded to do some more of this touching too, if you want" he said with a smile in his voice.  
And then his roaming fingers reached Christian's lower back, where he curved his hands around those firm buttocks, squeezing them gently... Carefully, gently, gradually... it was barely a touch, more like a soft breeze, he let the tip of his finger slide between Christian's cheeks. Christian gasped at that touch, bucking his hips in an instinctive reaction.  
"Or more of this?," Syed panted, getting more than a bit breathless himself at this activity.  
Christian moaned with unspoken desire.

"Tell me, Christian. What do you want more of?"  
Christian's breathing increased in speed and intensity beneath Syed's heated touch. Every nerve in his body seemed to be throbbing, pulsating with pleasure.

"More of you," he finally moaned. "Much, much more of you," he added, barely getting it out, as his hands were clutching the sheets underneath him, his fingers clenching and unclenching in a desperate attempt not to lose control.  
Syed smiled softly at those words. _More of me. He wants more of me_.  
He felt elated. No one had ever told him anything like that before. He had never thought he would ever hear anyone telling him that he wanted more of him.

He decided it was time to show a little mercy, and he slowly pulled back.

"I guess it's time for your present" he said "You can turn over on your back, Christian"  
With a grunt, Christian turned over. His pulsing erection was oozing pre-cum, and Syed could barely take his eyes off it. Christian was already, desperately, trying to pull him near.  
But Syed resisted. "No... relax, Christian. I don't want to rush this."... and with sparkling eyes, he added, "you will be rewarded for your patience. Trust me!"

As Christian frustratedly complied and dropped his hands at his sides, Syed took another moment to admire the beauty of Christian's body. That face he so loved to gaze upon, the soft curve of Christian's broad shoulders, his beautiful chest, heaving now with barely contained passion... Syed's breath quickened as his desire for his lover rose even more.

He leaned down and kissed Christian's eyelids closed and whispered "Just relax, my love"

His hands moved up towards Christian's face. Tenderly he massaged his neck, his temple, his eyes. As if he were blind, and was reading Christian with his fingertips, his hands slid over every inch of his face. Christian, his eyes still closed, sighed and licked his lips, as Syed, with one finger, slowly began to draw a line down, starting at his lips, down his chin, down his throat, down the centre of his chest, his stomach, slowly down, down... Christian was already preparing himself for the touch of Syed's hands on his erection, and he moved his hips instinctively. But Syed stopped, and didn't linger there. Instead, his lips repeated the same path along Christian's body, kissing, nipping, caressing, tickling and soothing all at the same time. From Christian's eyes, to his cheeks, his throat, over his nipples, down his chest, down the middle of his stomach, across his belly button,.. And when his lips had kissed every inch of his stomach they moved even further down, down, down...  
Not stopping until they … bypassed Christian's swollen cock... making a beeline towards the soft sensitive skin of his inner thighs. Christian nearly cried in frustration, but Syed was relentless, not giving in one iota to his impatience. He could feel Christian's erection jerk alongside his face, beckoning him to seize it, but he consciously ignored it, and instead continued his caressing and kissing further down... Christian's body quivered as he felt Syed's tongue move along the inside of his thighs, his hair tickling, his stubble scraping against that sensitive skin. His legs involuntarily parted more to give him more room. Christian squirmed in aching pleasure, and his hands gripped the mattress, as Syed slowly kissed his way down his well-muscled legs, across his knees, all the way down to his feet, softly nipping at each toe. Then, dragging his tongue up every inch of Christian's legs, he finally, teasingly worked his way back to his cock, but again he stopped short of touching it. Instead, he moved up a little higher and started to kiss Christian's stomach again.

"Please, Sy... stop teasing me... You're driving me crazy" Christian groaned, as Syed started to lick his belly button. Desperately, he reached out for Syed, trying to guide him down again, but Syed grabbed his wrists, surprising Christian with his strength, and forced them along the side of his body. He rose up and kissed Christian gently on the lips.

"Impatient, are we?" he mumbled smugly. Christian's chest was heaving, his breath was ragged and trembling. The slow pace was driving him nuts. He let out a growl of frustration.  
"Sy... please" he groaned again.  
Syed finally took pity on his lover and, smiling softly, he moved his right hand between them and without further warning, wrapped his fingers around Christian's cock, squeezing gently ... making Christian gasp for air.  
"Is this what you want, my love?" he whispered, his fingers brushing lightly over Christian's throbbing erection, stroking it teasingly slow. He looked into Christian's hungry eyes. "Or do you want me to wrap my lips around it... my lips... around your aching cock...?" he breathed against his lover's lips before kissing his jaw.  
"Yes," Christian groaned softly. "Oh... yes... please!"

And at last Syed leaned in and touched the tip of his penis with his tongue. Christian hissed and drew in a breath.  
Syed smiled at his lover's impatience. "Patience, my love, is a virtue...," he purred, as he placed kisses up Christian's length, suckling at random spots, giving it short, fast licks with his tongue, making Christian whimper in sweet agony. He repeated this several times until he finally took the head into his mouth and gently started to suck it, massaging the tip with his tongue. His lips began their magic, and Christian gave in. Completely gave in... He threw his head back and squeezed his eyes shut "Yes...Oh yes! Thank you... That feels so good...!"  
Syed slowly started to work down the shaft leaving a trail of saliva along the sides, then working back over the same area licking his saliva back into his mouth.

Whimpering helplessly, Christian unconsciously raised his hips off the mattress, pushing his cock into the wet, wonderful warmth of Syed's mouth. He moaned again when the sucking grew more insistent. "Your mouth is so sweet," he sighed, trying his best not to push forward into Syed's throat. Syed's fingertips dug into Christian's thighs as he held on tightly. His breathing was becoming as frenzied as Christian's, as the other man moaned his encouragement and approval.  
"It feels so good. You're so good, Sy... Oh god, I'm so close..." he gasped, forcing his eyes open to watch Syed busy himself between his legs. He just had to see him. He had to witness that look on Syed's face while his hard cock moved so deliciously in and out of Syed's mouth.

His hips began to gyrate slowly as he cradled the back of Syed's head to gently guide him up and down his cock, but still letting Syed set the pace. Syed knew the head of Christian's cock was very sensitive, so he concentrated his affections there, while his hands stroked the base. Involuntary moans of desire escaped from both. Syed could feel the head swell slightly and knew Christian was very close to the edge. He was amazed at Christian's self-control up to this point, but he wanted it, he loved to feel Christian orgasm by the mercy of his tongue and lips. So he increased the speed of his love-making and took Christian where he so badly needed to go, kissing him, licking him, sucking him...

Christian's fingers played in his hair, and he wished this moment would last forever. But it wouldn't, it couldn't. "I don't know... ah... if I can hang on much longer..." he breathed.  
He arched his back at the familiar throbbing sensation that started low in his body, winding tighter and tighter. He drew in his breath and let out a low groan of ecstasy. And then he couldn't hold it anymore, his hips rose in a final thrust, his vision blurred, and he came. He came so wonderfully that he didn't even try to stifle the scream that tore from deep inside. It was Syed's name that was on his lips, over and over again, as his body continued to ride out the last shudders of his intense orgasm.

When Christian slowly started coming back to earth from his post-orgasmic high, he opened his eyes, lifting his head to look down at Syed. His lover was watching him in complete admiration, his luscious hair was now a mass of tangled strands, his face was flushed, his lips looking succulent and slightly swollen, his big brown eyes were wide... and he smiled. It was the most beautiful sight Christian had ever seen. Both were breathing heavily. Christian reached out his hand, and Syed pulled himself up and on top of Christian and leaned in for a kiss. The warmth of his body melted into Christian's as he covered him. His lips were soft and warm as they pressed into his. When their lips parted, Syed leaned their foreheads together, and looking straight into his lover's eyes, he grinned.

"Mission accomplished" he whispered mischievously.  
A delightful, heartfelt, happy chuckle bubbled from Christian's throat. "Yeah... that's the least you can say" he laughed, pulling Syed's mouth back to his for another sweet kiss.

"Well...Mr Masood, you're quite the tease, aren't you?" he said when their lips parted, and he affectionately brushed Syed's hair from his face.  
"I learnt from the master, didn't I?" Syed said with a cheeky grin. "And besides... you said that when I'm with you I can do whatever I want. So I did..."  
With a wink he added "And I'm not going to apologize for it"

"You better not!" Christian said, mimicking the voice of a strict headmaster, then he laughed joyfully, and pressed a loving peck on Syed's nose. They smiled at each other, then Syed stretched out and lay his head on his favourite place on Christian's chest, just over his heart.  
"Christian?" he asked, savouring he feeling of those strong arms holding him tightly  
"Hmm?"  
"How do I have someone as beautiful as you?"  
Christian chuckled "Isn't that _my_ line?"  
Syed laughed with him. "Perhaps... or maybe it's just _ours_..."

Christian sighed happily, his hand combing lazily through Syed's hair, and he breathed in his scent.  
"I love you." Syed said. Christian smiled.  
"I love you too." he said.

He placed a quick soft kiss on the top of Syed's head, before they both dozed off in a contented sleep, safely wrapped in each other's arms.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Christian slowly opened his eyes. He'd slept, but only for a little while, he was feeling way too euphoric to get some proper rest. The adrenaline was still rushing through him.

Syed's warm body was snuggled up against him, his back against his chest, fast asleep. Lying here like this, their bodies spooned together, was making Christian feel warm and comfortable – and so completely happy. He felt overwhelmed by the feeling of just being together with Syed, connected so intensely by the force of what they had just shared, the intimacy of taking each other to that place where there were no words and no need even to use them... Christian curled up behind Syed, this gorgeous man who had become so much more to him than just his best friend, and slid an arm around his waist. Syed sighed in his sleep, pressing back against him. His head fell forward and Christian kissed the nape of his neck. He lightly nuzzled his hair, then buried his face in the fragrant hollow between Syed's neck and shoulder. He breathed in deeply, inhaling his scent.

Syed smelled salty, musky... masculine... The same scent Christian remembered finding comfort with, back in those days when Syed could not stay. It had been there, lingering on his pillow, in his sheets, in the towels he had used... and it was the only part of Syed he could hang on to after he had left. He felt a slight tug at his heart, thinking of that now. It still hurt. But those days were over now, he reminded himself. Syed was here with him. Here to stay.

The events of the past few days came rushing back to him, as he lay there, listening to the calming sound of Syed's peaceful breathing. It had been a roller-coaster. Just barely 36 hours ago, not even... he'd been lying here, in this bed, all alone and desperate, and had made the most heart-wrenching decision of his entire life. He'd never felt more lost.  
And now Syed was with him. Christian sighed with contentment. This was heaven.

He pulled back slightly and affectionately brushed Syed's lovely dark flowing hair out of his eyes so he could get a better view of his sleeping lover. Syed always looked so gorgeous when he was asleep. He would never get enough of watching him.  
And yet, when he told Syed how beautiful he found him, he always seemed to brush it off, shyly, a little embarrassed...

_If only you could see yourself as I do_, Christian thought. _You are so beautiful_. _How can you not know? _

He gazed at the sleeping man in his arms. Everything about him took his breath away. His face, his jaw line, his dark hair, his glowing skin, his sensitive hands, …. the list was endless. Just how could this man not realize how irresistible he was? Maybe that was part of what made him so attractive. And with those enormous brown eyes, how could he not be aware of the effect they were having on him? All Christian wanted to do was plunge himself into those eyes for days at a time...

Syed's tears earlier had touched him down to the core of his being. He knew this insecurity, this guilt that Syed was feeling was not about him. He knew that Syed no longer doubted his choices, had no regrets of his decision to choose him. It was all about how Syed felt about himself.  
_Dearest Syed_.  
That self-depreciation had almost become second nature to him. Having been told and taught all his life that the feelings he was carrying inside were wrong and sinful, clearly had been detrimental to his self-esteem. Yet it was incomprehensible to Christian how such a gentle, good man could have so little faith in himself. Christian silently made a vow; he would make sure Syed never ever felt disregarded or misunderstood again.

_You are such a beautiful, gentle soul, Sy._  
Savouring the feeling of Syed's slender body huddled against his own, Christian again realized just how much he meant to him. Everything seemed to pale to insignificance compared to the urge he felt to protect Syed, shelter him, comfort him, care for him... this wonderful, uniquely precious man. What a truly gentle person he was, so caring, giving, undemanding. That he could still be all that, so pure and so genuine, after everything that had happened to him, was a miracle in itself.

_If I have to, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you see yourself through my eyes,_ Christian pledged, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man.

Their lovemaking today had taken his breath away. Speaking of roller-coasters... his head was still spinning... At first Syed had seemed afraid to take that step again, and he'd been perfectly willing to give him all the time and space he needed. There was simply nothing Syed could ask of him that he would not give gladly. And if it was more time he needed, that's exactly what he was going to give him.

But then they had danced, and everything had changed.  
The music, the atmosphere, the feeling of their arms entwined, their bodies close, their hearts beating in sync, it was perfect. When Syed had looked at him, with serious, pleading eyes, and asked him to make love to him, Christian had thought his heart would stop. How he'd longed for this...  
It had been _so_ long, and now the moment had finally come. It had taken him every ounce of self-restraint to take it slow, to let Syed decide the pace. But it had been worth it. All of it. All the heartache and the longing and all the pain... all of it had just disappeared in that unique feeling of complete togetherness they had shared. All of it had been worth it.  
Just seeing Syed come, letting go so completely, had been one of the most amazing moments of his life. Christian smiled affectionately, remembering how that seemingly shy man had then transformed into the passionate lover he remembered so well, taking control with a fervour and a decisiveness that had surprised them both. And the way he'd been teasing him with that irresistible boyishness of his… the mere thought of it made Christian's blood run hot again.

Syed groaned in his sleep and moved, unconsciously, instinctively grinding himself against his lover's chest.  
"Christian..." he muttered in his sleep. Christian smiled, knowing his beautiful boyfriend was dreaming of him, when at the same time his own head and his own heart was filled with only Syed.  
"I'm here, Syed." he whispered back, brushing his fingertips across the stubble on his lover's cheek. He smiled as Syed whispered his name again, whimpering like a child.

With a giddy rush of joy Christian realized that this was real... It was not a dream. He really was lying here with Syed. It really was Syed sleeping in his arms, moving against him, dreaming of him. His head spinning with this mind-blowing realization, he was no longer able to resist the call of his heart, and he slowly kissed Syed's neck again, his breath caressing his lover's sleep-warmed skin. He felt a slow shiver of excitement running down the length of his spine, as the overwhelming feelings of love and desire for this man rushed through him.

Tightening his arms around Syed, savouring the exquisite sensation of that warm body against his, Christian felt himself becoming aroused again. His hand lay on Syed's chest and almost as if it was leading a life of its own, he slowly began to move it down his torso, over his flat stomach and further down...  
As his questing fingertips tentatively touched Syed's cock, the other man, though deeply asleep, groaned involuntarily, and Christian realized with a rush of excitement that he too was aroused. Highly aroused! He lightly traced the outline of Syed's growing erection with his fingers. Within seconds, he felt hot, feverish with desire, and found himself whirled back into an almost desperate state of arousal, the way only Syed could make him feel. Struggling to control his desire, he rested his forehead against the other man's shoulder, and shifted them both slightly, so that his growing cock now nestled against the small of Syed's back.  
Syed moaned again and moved in his sleep.

0+0+0

Syed was dreaming, a particularly vivid dream about Christian. Breathtaking images flashed through his mind… Christian, beautiful, naked and smiling... moving against him... kissing him... drawing him close in an exquisite rush of erotic sensation... He had fallen asleep thinking of Christian, and his unconscious mind had gone to work...

"_I'm here, Syed_." Christian's hot breath tickled his neck.  
Syed smiled in his sleep. That voice. He had dreamed, fantasized, and wished so many times that that voice would be the very first sound he'd hear when he woke and the very last before he fell asleep, for the rest of his life. But the words in his ear were spoken so quietly, so breathlessly, that he wasn't quite certain if he had heard them at all. Perhaps they really were only a figment of his imagination...

The first thing he felt as he was slowly waking up, was Christian. At first he couldn't tell the difference between the dream and reality. One moment he was asleep and dreaming of him and the next he was becoming slowly conscious of his presence. Christian, pressed against his back with his arms wrapped around him. Still half asleep, he softly moaned, revelling in the sensation of being completely enveloped by Christian. He could not remember ever feeling so safe and so comfortable in all his life.

As his mind slowly pulled itself back into consciousness, he felt something else.  
Christian's hand...  
Christian's hand...! On his groin!  
Gentle but so insistent... touching him, teasing him... !

His eyes flew open.

In that same second he also felt Christian's, rampant erection snuggled up against his back.  
Wide awake now, he gasped.  
"Christian!"  
His lover's response was just a low chuckle in his ear "Hiya! Time to wake up, my love..."

"Christian!" Syed groaned again "what do you think you're doing?"  
Christian nuzzled his cheek against Syed's, his teeth gently nipping at his earlobe.  
"What do _you_ think I'm doing?" he whispered, as he continued to playfully rub the tip of Syed's cock.  
"A-hhh" Syed gasped, as his head fell back against Christian's shoulder.

Christian let his tongue play along Syed's collarbone, slowly kissing and licking his way up the tanned, heated skin of his neck, while maintaining the steady caressing of Syed's erection. Syed shivered at the brush of Christian's breath against him, his fingers tormenting him... He was breathing rapidly and shallowly. Ripples of excited desire were going up and down his body. It felt good, so deliciously good...

"I take it you like what I'm doing?" Christian teased.  
A small laugh erupted from Syed's throat. "Oh yeah… I like it alright... I like it... a lot."  
"I suppose you don't want me to stop?" Christian whispered in his ear.  
"No!" the answer came fast, without hesitation. "Please...!"  
But Christian had already withdrawn his hand, leaving only his fingertips to lightly tickle the soft skin of Syed's inner thighs.

"Christian! Please..! " Syed moaned as he frantically moved his body closer to Christian, his hand reaching for Christian's trying to force him to take hold of him again.  
But Christian resisted.  
"What does 'please' mean, Sy?" he teased innocently.  
Syed took a deep breath, willing his heartbeat to slow down. He turned his head to look back at Christian "So what...you're punishing me, are you?" he mumbled.  
"Getting back at me... I tease you, you tease me right back... Is that it?"  
He sighed " Oh, come on, Christian, just don't... don't do this..."  
Christian pressed a quick kiss on Syed's lips and chuckled "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't..!"  
"Well... It's a bit childish, isn't it?"  
"I said... give me a _good_ reason"

Syed grinned. He reached behind himself, wrapped his hand around Christian's erection, and squeezed.  
"Because, my love, you want it just as badly as I do"  
Just one more quick, teasing squeeze. "Don't you?"

Christian let out a ragged breath at Syed's touch. He was right, of course. He did want him. Badly. Syed's nearness caused his body to vibrate with need. He didn't have the patience to tease him or make him beg, he just _needed_ him. _Now_.

Fighting to control his runaway arousal, he gently pushed away Syed's hand.  
"It's okay, love" he whispered "this is my time to pleasure you"  
His own hand quickly went back to where it belonged, stroking Syed slowly, savouring every inch of him. Syed groaned, eyes closing, and he rocked into Christian's hand.  
Christian's other hand started to caress Syed's back ever so slightly, running slowly up and down his spine, then sliding further down, cupping and squeezing his ass-cheeks softly but firmly. Syed felt faint as Christian snuggled him against his chest again, and he felt that strong cock pulsing against his skin, its heat setting off the fireworks in his entire body. He moaned wantonly, moving his hips back against the other man. They didn't speak for a long time, only the sound of their unsteady breathing was filling the room.

Finally Syed couldn't hold back anymore. He squirmed, turned, and twisted his neck to look at Christian again...  
He choked, his words nearly unintelligible. "Christian! Please... Please, I need..."  
Christian pressed a passionate kiss on his lips.  
"What do you want, Sy? Tell me. Tell me what you need." His voice was nothing more than a husky whisper.  
Syed forced his eyes to focus. "You!" he gasped "I need _you..._ inside of me. _Now_."  
Christian captured Syed's pleading lips in another quick kiss, then pulled back slightly to look at him.  
"Are you sure?" he said, his fingers gently touching Syed's flushed cheeks, soothing him.  
"Yes, oh yes... please!"  
"I love you, Sy" Christian whispered. "And I'm gonna make you feel so good..."

Christian's strong hands gently turned him on his stomach. Syed whimpered, as Christian leaned over him, and passionately started sucking his neck, trailing his fingers along his back, then softly kissing where his fingers had been. Syed could feel Christian's cock nudging against his ass-cheeks… not yet entering him, but so close to it already. Syed thought he might cry out with the frustration.

Having caressed and kissed every inch of Syed's upper body, Christian moved back so that he was between Syed's legs, urging them apart with gentle hands. Syed let out a low moan when he felt his ass-cheeks being parted and Christian's fingers touching him lovingly in his most intimate place. He began to shake uncontrollably. He really wasn't sure how he would be able to survive the sensations Christian was creating in him, all over him. If he was feeling like this while Christian was not even inside him yet, how would he be able to experience all of it, and not go completely out of his mind...?

"Oh... Christian... _please...!_"  
Christian couldn't remember ever seeing Syed this wanton before.  
"Shhh_,_" he soothed him, moving the palm of his hand in comforting strokes down Syed's spine.  
"I'm not teasing you, Sy..." he reassured him. "I just don't want to rush this. It's been a long time. I don't want to hurt you."

Syed, his head buried in the pillow, could only whimper in response.

Christian began to massage Syed's cheeks in small circles, and Syed could feel the cool air brushing him as Christian's thumbs slowly eased them apart, his breath softly blowing the searingly hot skin. It felt so good. He panted into the pillow and caught his breath as Christian's tongue darted across his butt cheeks, kissing him, licking him wetly. Christian's lips were slowly gliding up and down the crevice between his cheeks, his tongue flicking against that delicate spot for just a moment, causing Syed's body to shudder, setting him on fire... And when at long last Christian's tongue invaded him, darting in and out like a streak of fire, Syed could have screamed in ecstasy. But he felt as if he couldn't even draw enough air into his lungs to moan, let alone scream.

When Christian's mouth left him, he mewled in disappointment, then breathed a ragged sigh of relief and delight to feel it being replaced immediately by his hand. He whimpered, as he felt Christian pressing one of his fingers against him and easing it inside.  
"Okay?" Christian leaned over him, and breathed against his ear, as he moved the finger inside the tight confines of Syed's body. The moans he got in reply encouraged him and he moved his finger a little more before pumping it gently in and out.  
"Oh Christian, yes, like that, yes... more, please, give me more."  
Syed couldn't believe how good it was. His pleasure was so intense, he was almost afraid to move for fear he would start screaming. Christian slowly pumped his finger, getting Syed used to the feeling again, then he eased in a second one... and a third, moving them, sliding them in and out, opening him up, sending Syed's body in a state of frenzied euphoria. Syed bit the pillow, nearly crying with ecstasy. His body felt so stimulated, his flesh was becoming more sensitive and more heated with each thrust of Christian's fingers. He arched up against Christian, pushing desperately to take those pleasuring fingers deeper inside himself.  
Christian closed his eyes, savouring the feeling Syed's muscles pulsate around his fingers. The way Syed's willing body was reacting to his touch told Christian more than any words could ever do. Syed was ready... completely ready for him.

Syed whimpered in protest as Christian suddenly withdrew his fingers. But the feeling of emptiness was short-lived, when he heard Christian softly breathing in his ear.  
"Can you come up onto your knees, sweetheart? Let me help you"  
Trembling with expectation, Syed complied. An electrifying wave of need was coursing through him. His arms and knees were shaking, his breath was ragged, his whole body felt tighter than a bowstring and throbbed in anticipation. He really wasn't sure how long he was going to be able to hold himself like this.

But Christian supported him, leaned over him, and moved his hand slowly, delicately over his chest, lightly pinching his nipples between finger and thumb, causing Syed to squirm with delight. Enjoying the sensation of Syed's heated, trembling body under his inquisitive touch, Christian slid one hand down, over the muscles of his stomach, between his spread legs, and slowly, but relentlessly, started to stroke his rearing erection again.

Syed gasped. "Please…" he whimpered, pushing back against Christian.  
Christian pulled back slightly, and Syed felt him dip down a bit, then come back up, so that the tip of his cock was now nudged between his buttocks. Syed felt himself being hurled to the very edge of a climax by just that feeling. That indescribable delicious sensation of Christian's smooth hardness against him, nearly inside him. Syed could have wept, he wanted him so badly.

"Christian, _please_…" he moaned.

Then he felt tender fingers softly smoothing a strand of hair from his face, touching his cheek. Christian leaned over, his lips close to his ear.  
"I love you_,_" he whispered, as he slowly started to ease himself into him.  
He closed his eyes, his whole body was on edge, every nerve stimulated and alive. His muscles were tense, but it was such a wonderful tenseness and it felt so incredibly good. As he gripped Syed's hips, he slowly slid in completely, shuddering with the effort to control himself. Syed couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't think... All he knew, all he could feel was Christian... buried deep inside his body, and the fireworks that had spread from his stomach to run riot everywhere inside him.  
Christian stayed still, not moving for several seconds, giving their bodies the time to adjust to one another again. The sensation of finally being together completely - as one - again was so overwhelming, it took their breath away. Then, not able to keep still anymore, Syed slowly began to rock against Christian, his hips moving back instinctively, creating a delicious friction that made his lover groan. Christian's fingers curled and dug deep into Syed's hips as he slowly started to thrust against the willing body beneath him, feeling the pleasure rise within him like an unstoppable tidal wave.

He brought one of his hands back round to take hold of Syed's cock again, rubbing the tip lightly but steadily. Syed whimpered, as he pushed back against Christian's thrusts, writhing under his touch and moaning helplessly, convinced that he was only a moment away from actually fainting. He cried out Christian's name in desperate need. "Christian" he moaned, over and over again, feeling deliriously happy. This was where he belonged...so wonderfully trapped, so lovingly held, so fondly treasured...so completely loved. One with Christian.

Suddenly Christian pulled out of him completely. Before Syed even had the time to protest he was flipped on his back.  
"I want to see your face" Christian whispered breathlessly. "I want to see your eyes when you come"

Then, responding to the desperate need they both couldn't control, he fell over him, his cock desperately seeking Syed's warmth again. His arms circled Syed's body, holding him close as he plunged back into him. Syed received him willingly, opening himself for him. He wrapped his legs around Christian, locking him in a tight embrace, trying to pull him even closer. Christian buried his face against the side of Syed's neck, breathing in his enticing, unadulterated presence. "Sy… Sy…" he was whimpering with every thrust he made.

Syed's eyes were closed as waves of pleasure were coursing through his shaking body. Struggling to control himself, though never ceasing the movement, Christian pulled back slightly. He reached out to gently brush away the damp strands of hair from Syed's forehead and ran his hand along his flushed face.

"Syed... Sy... " he whispered to him breathlessly, "Please... Look at me.. I want to... I want to see your eyes..."

Without hesitation, Syed opened his eyes. He was so far gone in the throes of extreme arousal, that is was almost impossible to focus. When he finally managed to, he witnessed the play of emotions on Christian's face, the tension in his muscles as he was trembling with the effort of controlling himself. Syed realized that despite his evident need, Christian was being amazingly gentle. His eyes hungrily travelled down his body, taking in his beautiful face, his strong neck, his broad shoulders... His eyes riveted on Christian's well-muscled chest, which rose and fell with each ragged breath. Syed raised up a trembling hand and touched him there. His skin was damp and hot beneath his touch. He could feel Christian's heart beat frantically under his hand, his muscles tightening reflexively as he trailed his fingers up to Christian's neck, and cupped his cheek.

Christian slowed his movements, and took a moment to simply watch him. They stared at each other, their emotions reflecting in their eyes. Christian felt overpowered by the way Syed gazed up to him in complete awe, as if he worshipped him. It was, he realized, as if he was making love to him with his eyes. He knew he would never get tired of seeing this, of seeing his Sy lying before him, so willing to trust him and to love him and to be loved in return. Part of him still couldn't believe his good fortune, and he had to consciously remind himself that, yes, it really was real, Syed had at last chosen him.  
Christian leaned into Syed's touch. "I love you so much, Sy" he whispered. His voice was low, ragged, but so completely sure. Something inside Syed responded to those words, flared up, welled up inside him, opening his heart completely. The lump in his throat stopped him from responding with words, but instead he pulled Christian's head down to his, capturing his lips in a hungry kiss which rapidly became more passionate as their simmering desire for each other increased.

Then Christian began to move inside him again, slowly at first, but gradually working them back into their bygone rhythm, bombarding Syed with one thrust after another. Nipping feverishly at whatever parts of him he could reach, his breathing became harsh and ragged as he plunged into Syed again and again.

And as Christian became more abandoned, whispering his name, burying his face in his hair, and uttering sweet and wordless cries, something in Syed just … changed. Something gave way, and suddenly he felt wild and fearless, empowered by the feeling of being so absolutely and so completely loved. He couldn't imagine why he had ever been shy or hesitant about loving Christian, why he ever thought that giving himself to this wonderful man, body and soul, could be wrong. How could this be wrong, when it felt so incredibly right?

His insides had taken on a warm, delicious, achy feeling which began to spread all over his body, while Christian increased his pace, setting a rhythm that left Syed breathless and almost disorientated. Christian was arousing him so far beyond anything he ever felt that he hardly knew what to do with himself. At last, he was really, truly getting what he had dreamed of for so long. And after having been without Christian for such an inhumane amount of time, it seemed that making love to him again was twice as good as he remembered.

No... not twice as good, he corrected himself, it was a lot better than that. Christian was a wonderful lover, a mind-boggling combination of strong and wild, sweet and sensitive, topped off by his incredible sense of inventiveness. It never ceased to amaze him.  
Christian was holding him in just the right way. He said just the right things. He was kissing him in just the right places that sent tingles all over his heated skin. He knew just exactly where to aim his hips...  
All these sensations conspired to push Syed almost to the brink and he felt himself beginning to lose control. His erection was pulsing, straining, craving to be touched. With a groan he reached for himself with urgency, clutching, starting to tug desperately. But Christian gently pushed his hand away, curling one of his own around Syed's cock, and started to stroke him.

"Christian..." Syed murmured, "Please..." He wasn't quite sure what he was pleading for at first, but then he found the words. "Make me come. Please, Christian..."  
"I will" Christian whispered back, rubbing his thumb over the head of Syed's cock, jerking him a little harder as he continued to thrust into his body. He felt entranced, his eyes fixed on Syed's flushed face, on his lithe body arching toward him. He groaned as he pumped his hips deeper and deeper inside Syed's welcoming heat, and the way Syed was clenching around him was simply delicious.

"Please look at me, Sy" Christian murmured, and Syed struggled hard to focus. Christian knew Syed was close. His eyes were dilated with passion, he was biting his lip, and his beautiful hair was a dark tangle.  
So incredibly beautiful, Christian thought.  
"You can let go, love" he breathed.

As waves of pleasure inundated him, Syed felt himself pushed inevitably towards his climax. He felt a wonderful feeling building and he finally surrendered to it...  
"Ah... Christian! Yes!... Yes!... Yes!" he cried, struggling to keep his eyes locked with Christian's.  
There was an edge of panic in his voice. "I … I'm so close... aah... I'm coming! Christian... please... come with me!"

Christian could only moan in response, as he felt the pressure building in the pit of his stomach, and he knew that he too wouldn't be able to hold out much longer.  
"Oh...my beautiful Sy...!" he breathed.  
Just hearing his name, spoken so passionately, was enough to push Syed over the edge. He arched his back, writhing, and crying out unintelligibly, in sheer, joyous ecstasy, as his orgasm overwhelmed him completely, and he came, warmth spilling over his stomach and Christian's hand.

He was still panting for breath when Christian too let go of the last remnants of his self-control. His release hit him, flashes exploding behind his eyes, his mind going utterly blank for a blissful moment.  
"Sy!" he cried out again as his orgasm ripped through him, and he poured his hot seed into his lover. Syed felt an explosion of sensation fill him completely as Christian, crying out with ecstasy, came with a shudder that tore through his entire body.

They collapsed into each other's arms, both drenched in sweat and panting harshly. As their laboured breathing and racing heartbeats slowly returned to normal, they stayed like that, locked together. Christian was still inside Syed, Syed's trembling legs were still clenching him, their bodies were still tightly wrapped around each other. Christian nestled his face in the crook of Syed's neck, and Syed's hands kept running through Christian's hair, pulling him closer. "Christian..." he sighed, as he finally felt his lover's softening erection slide out of his body.

Syed felt more loved than he had in a very long time. Still trembling from the intense climax, he realized suddenly that he was crying. Tears were pushing out of the corners of his eyes, and he tried in vain to will them away.

Christian moved and propped himself up on his elbow to gaze down on him with an expression of pure love on his face. But his smile was replaced by a worried frown, when he saw Syed's tears. He couldn't quite understand what he was seeing.  
_He's... crying? Or trying not to cry... but still...he's crying...!_

"Sy... I'm sorry...I didn't hurt...?" he choked.  
"No!" Syed's reply was immediate and determined "You would never do that," he said, shaking his head, reaching out his hand to touch Christian's hot cheek.  
"Should we have waited?" Christian asked, in a rather unsteady voice.  
That question took Syed by surprise. If the moment hadn't been so intense, if Christian's face hadn't been etched with so much worry, he would have laughed. He shook his head.  
"No," he said, and he smiled through his tears. Before Christian managed to even think about a reply, Syed had leaned in and kissed him firmly on the lips. "I'm really glad we didn't wait," he said huskily, when he pulled back. "I think we waited long enough. Don't you?"

"But you're crying!" Christian said with mild consternation. Syed smiled up at him, and cupped his face in his hand.  
"Not because I'm sad, you silly man, but because I'm happy. I'm _so_ happy. That was... amazing. You... _you_ are amazing."  
He swallowed hard. "it was _never_ like this, Christian. Never"

Christian's heart fluttered with joy at those words, and a smile of relief lit up his face. "Come here"  
They moved so that they were lying on their sides, facing each other. Their bodies still entwined, they looked into each other's eyes. Lovingly, Christian kissed away Syed's tears, his lips warm and tender and patient.

"It never felt like this," Syed managed shakily "I thought... I thought I had imagined it. That us being together couldn't possibly be as good as I remembered. But it was... it _was_... and it was _so_ much better than that..." He sighed, trying to find the words to describe how he felt.  
"I just never ... It was... I ... " Syed knew he was babbling again, but it didn't matter. He looked up into the eyes of this wonderful man, the only lover he'd ever truly known, and he finally knew without a shadow of a doubt that it really didn't matter. It didn't matter because this was right.  
This was Christian.  
This was what it felt like... to be found, to belong...

Christian gently brushed away the strands of hair from Syed's face.  
"It was never like this for me either, Sy" he said, swallowing away the lump in his throat.  
That quiet confession touched Syed to the depths of his soul. He saw how Christian too was struggling to stop his emotions from boiling over. His eyes were brimming.  
"It was never like this, Sy. _Never_. And you know why?  
Because... you finally let yourself be _free_..."  
He wrapped his hands around his lover's face.  
"That beautiful head of yours... always so full of worry... fear... shame... doubt... You finally let go of all that. This time, there was only room in there for you and me... for us. Just us.  
All the rest of it is gone. No more worry, no more fear, no more shame... no more doubt...  
You are free, Sy. _Free_ to feel and _free_ to love and _free_ to be the person you want to be.  
And that...that's what made this so incredible, so amazing... You set yourself free. And to see it happen... I... "  
He shook his head, his emotions stopping him from saying more.

Syed's eyes locked with Christian's.  
"Yes..." he murmured. "Yes... I'm free. I'm _finally_ free"  
As that overwhelming realization truly struck home, he couldn't stop the tears.  
"I'm sorry, Christian..." he hiccuped "I know you don't want me to cry... It's just... I just feel...so..."  
He stopped, swallowed, tried again. "I... I'm _free_!"

Christian wordlessly pulled him near.  
"Shhh... it's okay, my love. It's okay..." he soothed.  
And it was.  
For the first time in his whole life, Syed knew it was okay.  
Okay to be afraid, okay to let go, and okay to let that one person come close enough to see him. To really _see_ him.

And the last thing he heard before exhaustion finally claimed him, was that one voice that only a few hours, a few days ago, he'd feared he would never hear again.

"I love you, Sy. I'm here."


	20. Chapter 20

_**A/N : I promised cheesy... and even the boys think it is... Please read & review. Hope you enjoy ! **_  
_**Thank you to all my faithfull readers, and to my DS friends, for sticking by me! You're the ones that keep me going... **_

CHAPTER TWENTY

They sat together contentedly.  
Christian was leaning against the headboard, Syed sat between his legs, his back pressed against his chest. Christian hugged him from behind, wrapping his arms around Syed's waist, and pressing soft kisses to his neck. Syed covered Christian's hands with his, hooking their fingers together.  
They loved sitting like this.

Christian took a deep breath, relishing in the feeling of cradling Syed so close, inhaling the scent of his skin, the softness of it, and the way it reacted when his lips touched him.  
Syed sighed happily, enjoying this wonderful feeling of warmth and safety. Just the feeling Christian's arms around him made his insides do butterflies, and he felt like he could stay like this forever.  
He closed his eyes, and snuggled closer.

"Pass me one of those chocolate ones, will you?" Syed purred. He could hear Christian behind him, rummaging with the package, and soon Christian was temptingly waving a tasty chocolate digestive in front of his eyes, keeping it just out of his grasp. But Syed reached out for it quickly, and it broke into pieces, shattering across the sheets. Syed laughingly shoved the remnants in his mouth, munching away happily.

"Aaargh!" Christian grumbled, swiping at the crumbs. "There's going to be so many crumbs in this bed! I hate crumbs in bed..."  
Syed grinned, licking chocolate crumbs off his lips.  
"Don't you dare complain about that now! You're the one who was hungry. And you're the one who was insisting on eating those biscuits here. So don't start playing the innocent now..."

"But it's you that's stuffing your face with these digestives, isn't it... And they're so... crumbly..." Christian pouted.  
"Besides, I thought you preferred custard creams anyway!"  
"Well, I do..." Syed retorted quickly "but someone ate them all.. didn't they?" He teasingly nudged Christian's chin.  
"But I was hungry!" Christian sulked.  
"Yeah... so you keep saying!"  
"Well... I have to keep my strength up, don't I...? With a tiger in bed, I need every bit of energy to..."

Syed nearly choked on his biscuit. He looked back at Christian. "A tiger?"

"Yes..." Christian proclaimed with a straight face. "Appearances are definitely _very_ deceiving with you, Syed Masood...  
You come across all quiet and shy and timid, … but oh boy... once I get you into bed... you turn into... this...wild... sexy... insatiable...

"Tiger..." Syed nodded, rolling his eyes.  
"Yes! Tiger!" Christian confirmed.  
"And I bloody love it..." he added with a wicked grin. He grabbed the back of the other man's head, turning him towards him, and hungrily plunged his lips on Syed's. The kiss took him by surprise, but Syed returned it with unabated passion, running his hands lovingly through Christian's hair.  
When their lips finally parted, they stared at each other with silly smiles on their faces.  
"Wow!" Syed said breathlessly.  
"Hmmm... That about sums it up...!" Christian grinned.

Syed laughed wholeheartedly, and snuggled closer into Christian's chest. Christian looked at him fondly. Seeing Syed so relaxed, so unconcerned, so happy… so free… sent tingles all over his body. He wrapped his arms around him a little tighter and enjoyed the feeling of Syed relaxing against him.

"I wish we could stay like this forever" Syed sighed contentedly.  
"Me too" Christian mumbled, hiding his face in the crook of Syed's neck "There's nowhere I'd rather be…. Crumbs and all…."  
"... _hate crumbs_" he grumbled under his breath.  
Syed hiccuped with laughter, playfully nudging his boyfriend "You are a big girl's blouse aren't you?"  
"Oi! Speak for yourself"  
"For myself… ? Errr… Didn't you just tell me I'm a _tiger_?" Syed teased.

"Ooh, right…. Getting all smug now, are we...? Let's see what happens to that tiger when I tickle him" Christian laughed, and teasingly jabbed at Syed's ribs.  
Syed squealed with unexpected pleasure, unable to stop the smile that spread across his face.

"You're not _ticklish_, are you, Sy?" Christian teased, before moving his fingertips down Syed's sides, touching the sensitive spots all over that body he knew so well.

"Don't… oh... please… don't… aaah… hahaha…. Christian... please, stop!" Syed gasped breathlessly as he attempted in vain to bat away Christian's prying fingers. But Christian was merciless and Syed was soon lost in hysterical laughter from the tickling sensations buzzing through his body. He writhed and wriggled on the bed, laughing and begging Christian to stop. But Christian wouldn't, of course, and if truth be told, Syed didn't really want him to stop anyway. He wanted Christian's hands on him, and he loved the sound of Christian's laughter ringing in his ears. It had been such a long time since they played like this and he had almost forgotten just how much fun it was. He laughed and laughed, and Christian kept tickling him, loving the sounds Syed made as he made his so-called attempts to get away from him.

When Christian finally let Syed escape his torturous tickles, he collapsed onto the bed, reduced to a giggling heap, and Christian was hovering over him, pinning Syed's body down with his own. They were both catching their breaths, struggling to recover from the fits of laughter. Suddenly serious, Christian looked down on Syed's smiley face, his lovely hair a tangled mess, those gorgeous eyes sparkling with pure joy...  
"God… You are beautiful." he breathed.

Syed reached out, and touched his face, and pulled him near.  
"I love you!" he whispered before catching the other man's lips with his again, and soon they lost themselves in another mind-blowing kiss.

When they finally came back up for air, Syed smiled wickedly.  
"So... shouldn't we be getting up? We've been in bed for most of the day"  
"Get up?" Christian gasped in mock confusion.  
"It's…" he checked the clock "… a quarter to 9 at night…! Nearly time to go to bed… and you want to get up?"

Syed laughingly but determinedly untangled himself from Christian's hold, pulled himself up and leaned back against the headboard, rolling his eyes at the other man still sitting at his feet.  
"Since when do you, Mr _Party_ _Animal_, go to bed at a quarter to nine?" he asked.  
"Since I've got a very… _very_… good reason... _Tiger_... to have an early night…"  
Christian growled as he crawled back up to Syed, running his hand playfully up his leg, and leaned in for another kiss.

But Syed turned his head.  
"Not tonight, honey" he answered straight-faced. "I'm tired…" He struggled to keep the smile from his voice.  
"Tired? But we've been in bed all day… How can you be tired?"

He sighed when he saw Syed was not relenting, and sat down next to him.  
Syed leaned in closer, resting his head on Christian's shoulder, and whispered into his ear.  
"Yeah… We've been in bed all right, but you have to admit… we haven't had much sleep, have we…? We've been... errr... otherwise engaged…. Besides…"  
"Besides what?" Christian eyed him suspiciously.

"Tiger hasn't been able to keep his strength up… someone ate all his custard creams"

Christian burst out laughing, pulling Syed back in his arms again. Soon they were back in their favourite position, Syed leaning back against Christian's chest and Christian running his fingers through Syed's hair. Syed slowly caressed Christian's other arm that was wrapped around him.

"It's so wonderful to see you like this, Sy" Christian murmured against the back of his head, breathing in his scent.  
"So happy and carefree… How I've longed for this….you have no idea…"  
"You made it happen, Christian" Syed whispered, as he reached his hand back, touching Christian's face "You set me free"  
Christian kissed Syed's fingers "No, I didn't. You did, Sy. You set yourself free. You did it. No one else. You."  
"But I couldn't have done it without you" Syed insisted, his voice husky with emotion.  
He swallowed. "Thank you"  
Christian was moved to the core by that simple statement. "You're welcome, my love" he murmured, and kissed the top of Syed's head.  
They stayed silent for a little, each caught up in their own thoughts, just savouring the feeling of being so close together, knowing that they were both finally where they belonged.

Finally Syed swallowed. "Christian..." He hesitated...  
"What is it, love?" Christian asked.  
"I wanted to say something… but…" He cleared his throat and shook his head "but….no… it's way too cheesy….I better not…."  
"Oh go on… You made me curious now. You can't leave it at that, Sy….Go on.. Tell me!"  
"Errr… naaah…It's too… soppy" Syed said shyly.  
"I'm a sucker for soppy, you know that… Come on , Sy… What is it you want to say? Tell me…"  
He chuckled affectionately "Or do you want me to _tickle_ it out of you?"

Teasingly he started running one finger down Syed's side, and the other man squirmed.  
"No!" Syed giggled. "Don't…. Aaargh, Christian..!"  
He surrendered. "Okay, okay… I give in… I'll tell you…"

He snuggled back up to Christian's chest and they entwined their fingers.

He was quiet for a while, gathering his thoughts, and Christian waited patiently.  
Finally Syed cleared his throat "Sometimes...you watch something on TV, a film .. whatever, and the main characters finally realize they belong together and… and they make these big declarations, and you think to yourself... Do people in real life actually say that sort of thing to one another… I mean… it's cinema, right? Real people don't say that, they don't go around making these big, cheesy speeches…. do they?"

He sighed, and held on to Christian's arms a little tighter.

"But then… if you're lucky, really lucky… you find yourself with someone in your life, someone at your side, someone… who means so much… and… and you realize…"

His voice trailed off. Christian felt his throat tighten in anticipation. He closed his eyes.

"You realize…" Syed swallowed, "…that the only thing you can say to them… really… is exactly that… that cheesy, soppy stuff you hear on TV….It's the only thing you can say… because it's so completely right, it says everything you want to say…. No matter how cheesy it is…."  
He finally turned around in Christian's arms and faced him.  
"So… " he breathed "I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, okay …?"

He willed away the lump in his throat, and softly touched Christian's lips with his fingers.  
Christian just looked at him, almost hypnotized by those beautiful brown eyes gazing at him, and he felt himself tremble with expectation. He could hardly breathe.

"Christian…" Syed whispered. His voice was shaking, but there was no doubt in it.  
"You…." he took a deep breath, then plunged in "You _complete_ me"

He let out a trembling breath.

"You complete me, Christian. You do. Before… you, before I met you… my life was… so… _empty_.. I was so lost… so scared of myself, of what I felt, of what I was, of what I wasn't supposed to be or feel…. And there was no one… no one who …"  
He struggled to keep his voice calm "I was… alone…. And _you_ … you waltzed in and you swept me off my feet and you turned my life around and you… you found me. You _found_ me, Christian… Without you, I'm completely lost, I am no one... You…." he was barely audible "You complete me. And I love you … _so_ much…"

Christian was speechless. His heart was racing so hard and so fast, he was sure it was going to burst right out of his chest. Cheesy or not, it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to him. And to hear Syed say it, that gentle, often so shy man, who always struggled so to talk about his feelings… To hear him put into words how he really felt… That was such a truly amazing gift, that Christian felt completely overpowered by the wonder of it. He gazed into Syed's eyes, brimming with unshed tears – of joy, no doubt – and he fleetingly wondered, with a giddy rush of joy, what on earth he had ever done to deserve the love of this beautiful man.

Syed was looking at him, holding his breath, gauging Christian's reaction, part of him still scared of what it all meant. Now that he opened up completely, and said all the things he'd wanted to say for so long, he felt entirely stripped of all his defences. He felt strangely exposed, having just put his heart and his soul into the hands of this one person. But he knew this was safe. Christian knew him, Christian understood him. This was the only person in the world he completely trusted. Who loved him, no matter what.

"I love you, Syed" Christian finally found his voice. It was husky and full of emotion. He reached out and gently touched Syed's face, catching with his thumb one lone tear that Syed couldn't stop from falling.  
Syed was breathless. It was all he needed to hear. Christian hardly ever used his full name. How he loved to be called _Sy _by him. It made him feel special, loved, cherished... Christian only called him _Syed _when he was angry, or when he wanted to tell him something extremely important. Something he didn't ever want him to forget. Like now.

Christian swallowed, and looked in his eyes. "You really don't know it, do you? What you are to me?"

He pulled him near. Syed put his head on Christian's shoulder and closed his eyes.  
"_You_ complete _me_, Sy. And I don't care what anyone says about it being corny or cheesy… I know what I feel in my heart, and my heart knows that I am not complete without you. Before you, _my_ life was empty too."

He shook his head ruefully. "Let me rephrase that... My life was full. Yeah, it was full allright, full of silly, stupid, shallow stuff. And … I'm not going to lie... it was great, I loved it. I loved all the silly, shallow stuff. And I still do ... except... "  
He swallowed "Except... now I know that there's more to life. There's _more_ to it than drinking yourself into a stupor each night and trying to forget the next morning what a complete fool you've made of yourself… There's _more_ to life than waking up every other morning with a stranger in your bed whose name you can't even remember… or the reason why you even took him home. Apart from not wanting to spend the night alone..."

His voice caught, and he shook his head with mild self-criticism. "That was how my life was, Sy." he said, as he pulled Syed a little closer. "Drinking too much, laughing too much, having too much fun... And if I'm honest, I loved every minute of it. I have no regrets of it whatsoever... But then I met you, ..."  
He let out a trembling sigh. "... and I realized it was in fact not what I wanted..."

He locked eyes with Syed's. "I want _this_. I want to wake up in the morning with the man I love in my arms, I want to snuggle up to him on the sofa at night, getting all teary-eyed over a stupid DVD together, drink hot chocolate, fight over a biscuit, and know there's no better place to be."  
"And if that makes me a soppy old queen, so what ? I don't care... It's what I want.  
You have filled my life, Sy. You are giving me everything that I missed for so long. And I love you for it."

Syed felt a rush of love swell in his heart and he leaned towards Christian for a tender kiss.  
When their lips parted, they snuggled up close, and they just sat there holding on to each other.

It was Syed who finally broke the silence.  
"So your clubbing days are over then?" he said with a mild chuckle in his voice.

"What! Christian looked at Syed in horrified surprise... "I didn't say that! What make you think _that_?"  
Then he saw the smirk on Syed's face and realized he was just joking  
He nudged him playfully. "You...!" Then he chuckled "Of course, I'll still go clubbing... I will...but I'll be going with _you_!"  
"With _me_...? But I.. I can't dance..."  
"Oh yes you can... I think we've established today that you actually can... remember?"  
"Okay... But I don't drink..!"  
"They do sell non-alcoholic drinks at these places, Sy... even orange juice" Christian rolled his eyes.  
"Right..." Syed put on a poker face.  
"But I don't know how to go on the pull..." he said with a whiny voice.

Christian gasped. "On the pull...? You wha..?  
He grabbed Syed's face in his hands and looked deeply into his smiling eyes.  
"You.. _mister_... are not _allowed_ to go on the pull!" He was only half joking.  
Possessively he plunged his lips on Syed's "You have _been_ pulled already, in case you hadn't noticed"

"Oh... is _that_ what it is... hmm... I think I quite like it" Syed grinned wickedly.  
"Okay, I'm up for this... Let's go clubbing then..." he said, starting to make a move to get out of bed, but Christian pulled him back  
"Oh no you won't... _tiger_... not tonight ... ! Didn't you say you were tired ... I think we should stay in bed..."  
"Oh... Okay then..." Syed gave in quickly. "Besides..." he smiled, fluttering his eyelashes appealingly at his lover, "I do think I'm gonna need a bit more practice on that pulling stuff anyway..."

"That's what _I_'m thinking..." Christian laughed, as he started pressing soft kisses all over Syed's face.  
"I could give you a lesson.. if you like."

Syed could only moan his approval...

0+0+0+0

Syed slowly opened his eyes. Daylight was streaming through the curtains in the flat. He smiled. He didn't have to think about where he was anymore. He knew. He was home. With Christian. He sighed happily, and rolled over, reaching out for Christian... only to discover he was not there!  
With a start he sat up. "Christian?" There was a slight panic in his voice.

Getting dressed in the bathroom, Christian was humming to himself. Life was good!  
He looked at the t-shirt he'd picked out.. too tight, too worn... He grinned, and made a mental note that he'd soon have to go pick up his suitcases at Roxy's, because the number of clean options in his wardrobe was quickly dwindling, especially since he was sharing it with Syed. He chuckled. He loved sharing his wardrobe with Syed. Syed looked gorgeous in his clothes. But then again, Syed always looked gorgeous.

He smiled to himself as images of his gorgeous lover flashed before his eyes.  
He continued towelling his hair as he went back into the main room, wondering if his beautiful Sy was still asleep.

But Syed was wide awake, sitting up in bed with a slightly alarmed look on his face. Christian was with him in an instant, and wrapped his arms around him.  
"Good morning, my love" he beamed, as he pulled him close.  
With unexpected fierceness, Syed held on to him tightly and hid his face in the crook of his neck.  
"Here you are..." he mumbled, letting out a trembling sigh.  
Syed's emotional reaction startled Christian slightly, and he pulled back to look in his lover's face. "What is it...?"  
Syed just shook his head. "Sorry, I'm just being silly..."  
"You didn't think I was gone, did you?"Christian teased half-jokingly, and put his hand under Syed's chin to make him look up. "Sy...?"  
"Of course not" Syed answered, and taking a deep breath, he looked into his eyes. "I know you wouldn't..."

"It's just.." he pouted "I had just... hoped to wake up in your arms..."  
Christian smiled, and pulled him close again.  
"Sorry, love, it's just... I couldn't hold it anymore... it was driving me crazy... I was itching all over... you know... those..." he coughed, feeling a little embarrassed.  
Then it dawned on Syed "... those crumbs" he laughed.  
"Yeah... Sorry..."

Syed laughed heartily and nudged him affectionately "So crumbs are your Kryptonite then, aren't they... _Superman_?"  
Christian shrugged, feeling a little flustered...  
Syed teasingly ran a finger down Christian's jawline to his throat, lingering there.  
"So.. why didn't you wake me up then... we could have had a shower together. I'd have washed all that Kryptonite off you, you know... "  
"I'm sure you would have" Christian swallowed, as Syed's touch made shivers run down his spine.  
"But you were sleeping so nicely... you looked so peaceful and so beautiful, it seemed such a shame to wake you..."  
He nuzzled his nose playfully against Syed's.  
"We can have a shower together tomorrow though... if you like..." he mumbled with a crooked smile, before he gently started nibbling at Syed's lips.  
"Is that a promise?" Syed murmured in between kisses.  
"It's a date!" Christian confirmed.

"Oh.. and by the way..."  
He pulled back a little and gazed into Syed's eyes.  
"You're wrong, Sy. Crumbs aren't my Kryptonite." he pressed another quick kiss on Syed's lips "You are! You only have to look at me, Sy, and I turn into this pitiful, helpless heap of emotion and longing..."  
He smiled ruefully "... and I can never refuse you anything. You know... Even all the crumbs in the world... I'd happily take 'em in my stride for you!"

Syed smiled. So typical of Christian, he thought affectionately. He would say something utterly heartfelt and serious, pour his heart out in a few simple words, and then gloss over it with a joke. As if he tried to take the serious edge off his words. As if he tried to soften their impact, not to frighten him off. But of course, despite the joke, and the smile in his eyes, Syed knew Christian's words came from deep within his heart.  
"_Christian, don't you know then?_" he wondered silently "_nothing you can possibly say now would ever frighten me off again_".

"Thank you" he smiled, continuing the joke as he knew Christian wanted him to "That's so brave of you, ... all those freakily frightning crumbs... You're such a hero!"  
Then, gazing at him in all seriousness, he added "I love you for it"  
His hand, still tenderly placed at that sensitive spot between Christian's throat and his chin, brushed against his soft flesh, and moved to cup his cheek. His thumb smoothly caressed Christian's bottom lip. As he closed the small distance between them, and their lips found each other, Syed's eyes fluttered shut at the realization how right and beautiful this felt.  
Their kiss lingered, it was slow, drawn out and tender. They finally pulled back and smiled at each other.

Christian sighed "I'm sorry to spoil the moment, love, but if we want something to eat today, I'm gonna have to go to the Minute Mart to get some supplies"  
Syed pouted "Do you have to?"  
"Afraid so." he pressed a kiss on Syed's nose. "We ate all the energy bars, all the biscuits, the chocolate's gone too..."  
He chuckled "Besides... I think maybe it's time for some proper food, eh?"

"To keep our strength up" Syed laughed.  
"Got it in one, babe! You're a fast learner... but I told you that last night, right?" Christian chuckled, ruffling Syed's bedroom hair.  
He sighed. "Okay then, I won't be long, by the time you've had a shower, I'll be back"  
He pressed a swift kiss on Syed's lips, grabbed his jacket and was out the door.  
Syed smiled. He was a fast learner all right... He knew Christian so well. He'd probably run into someone on the square, start chatting away, and end up being away twice as long as he intended.  
But that was fine. He'd be back.  
And it would give him time to sort out a little surprise...

0+0+0+0

Christian had a spring in his step as he walked along the square to the Minute Mart. No matter how much he'd enjoyed the past few days, it felt good to be outdoors, breathe in some fresh air.  
Around him, the square was bustling with activity, and no one seemed to be taking notice of him. That was fine by him, he didn't need any attention. He just wanted to get this shopping done, and get back to Syed as quickly as possible.  
He fleetingly wondered if people would see something different about him. Not that it mattered what other people thought. But he did feel different. He was happier than he'd ever been. He wondered if that was visible to the outside world.

"Christian!" He turned around as he heard his name.  
It was Jane; she was standing in the doorway of the café. He smiled and hurried towards her.  
As they settled at a quiet corner table over a cup of tea, Jane took one look at his sparkling, joyous eyes and smiled.

"Happy?" she asked "or is that a stupid question?" She reached out for his hand across the table.  
"I've never been happier, sis, never..." he sighed  
"Me and Sy... It's the real thing. I am sure. He is sure... He's chosen _me_.. and it feels so bloody right..."

"I'm glad" she smiled. "I'm really happy for you, Christian. For both of you."  
"Thanks, sis.." he squeezed her hand affectionately

"And I'm happy that you didn't move to Florida" she added "I would have missed you."  
"Did you ring mum? What did she say?" he said with some regret in his voice.  
"Well, she was disappointed that she wouldn't see you, but she admitted she'd never want to be in the way of true love..."  
Jane laughed as Christian rolled his eyes "That _is_ what she said, Christian. Her words exactly!"  
He eyed her suspiciously. "What have you been telling her, Jane?"  
"Only the truth..." she answered with a straight face. "That you've fallen head over heals for this really sweet guy, and that I think you've finally found the one who's going to make an honest man out of you..."

"Oh you! What are you like?" Christian blushed, but then he smiled pensively. "Who knows, Jane..?" he murmured. "Who knows..."  
He took a deep breath, trying hard not to get too carried away with his dreams for the future...  
"So... have Sy and me been the talk of the town then?" he queried.

"What do you think?" Jane chuckled. "After that big scene the other day... not to mention all that... public kissing..." She pretended to shudder, and Christian laughed.  
"There has been some talk, yes... But nothing to worry about.. You know what people around here are like. One day you're headline news in the Walford gossip gazette, next day there's something or someone else that's so much more interesting..."  
She shrugged "I wouldn't worry about it too much... I mean... two men kissing in public? They've seen worse... they'll get over it."  
"I don't know if Ian will though" she added with a grin "He's still walking around shaking his head over it... mumbling.. _your brother, he's a real piece of work isn't he_? I just shrug, and agree with him. It'll pass, don't worry. You know Ian. He's probably more worried about the effects on the business than anything else"

Suddenly serious, Christian leaned closer to Jane.  
"You haven't seen or heard anything from Sy's parents, have you? Or Amira?"

Jane sighed "Amira's left. Lucy saw her getting in a cab, with suitcases, only about an hour after... you know... you and Syed... reunited."  
"And.. well... Zainab rushed into the unit late last night. I was sorting out some menus. She hadn't expected anyone to be there, probably. She gave me a grumble that I suppose was meant to be a greeting, and got out as soon as she got the papers she came for. I never even got the chance to say anything. Even though I'm not sure what I could have said, to be honest"

She shook her head regretfully. "And Masood... he brought the post round this morning. There was a package I had to sign for. He didn't say much, just post talk. He was looking at me as if he was daring me to say something... but there was something in his eyes... I don't know... If you ask me, I think he's more disappointed than angry... He just looked.. sad. I don't know."  
She looked at Christian "What actually happened between them, do you know?"

Christian shook his head. "He still hasn't talked about it. I know it must have been awful, and I think he's still struggling to come to terms with it himself. He keeps saying he's okay about it, that he'll talk to me about it later. And I know he will. But I do worry... I just wish he would tell me, let it out..."

"I'm sure he'll tell you when he's ready, Christian. He just needs some time, and he knows that you're there for him... It's going to be fine..." She squeezed his hand.  
"I know" he smiled gratefully.  
He sighed. "Look, I really have to get going. Sy won't know where I got to. Set out to get some supplies. We've been living off energy bars and biscuits these past few days"

Jane chuckled... "I didn't 't expect your minds to be focussed on... food... I'm sure you had other things to think about..." she teased, with a wicked grin on her face.

"Oh, stop it!" Christian blushed. "Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have your … bed manners …. commented on by your older sister?" He laughingly gave her a peck on the cheek, and was surprised when she suddenly pulled him near in a hug.

"I'm really very, _very _happy for you, Christian." she whispered.  
"You have a good one there. Hang on to him."

"Oh, don't worry," he smiled "I will. I definitely will"

0+0+0+0

_**A******__/_N : I had to split earlier in the story than I originally intended, because the chapter was getting much too long.  
I will continue as soon as my currently very busy r/l allows...  
_**If you can, please leave a comment. It's much appreciated!  
Thanks! **_


	21. Chapter 21

_**A/N : I'm sorry I made you wait so long for an update, but here it is at last...  
All your lovely reviews keep motivating me to continue this story. So I'll be really grateful if you could let me know what you think of this new chapter.  
Dedicated to all the very, very patient Chryedians out there... ! Thank you for sticking by me... **_

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Christian smiled as he turned the key in the lock. He couldn't remember when he last had felt so happy about coming home. Behind this door was the man of his dreams. Syed. He was there, at home, waiting for him. Christian still felt like he had to pinch himself. Make sure he wasn't dreaming. Syed had chosen him. He couldn't count the number of times he'd repeated this to himself over the past few days.  
_Syed chose me. He chose me! _

He had barely closed the door behind him, when Syed was all over him, enthusiastically flinging his arms around his neck, and hugging him tight.  
"Welcome home, my love" he mumbled, before softly pressing his lips on Christian's. Without further ceremony, Christian dropped his shopping, and his hands circled around Syed's waist as he drew his body closer to his. Syed anchored his arms around Christian's neck, as their kiss intensified. It was long, seductive, intoxicating... Christian's hands roamed over Syed's body, as they moaned into each other's mouth. When the need for oxygen became critical, their lips parted reluctantly, but they still held on, their foreheads touching.

"Now _that's_ what I call a welcome home" Christian grinned wickedly, affectionately rubbing their noses together.  
"Well, I missed you, didn't I?" Syed whispered.  
"I've only been away for 15 minutes" Christian chuckled. Seeing Syed rolling his eyes, he admitted "Okay, 20 minutes then"  
"48 minutes, Christian" Syed corrected him. "You were away for forty-eight minutes". He pouted slightly.  
Christian teasingly nudged his boyfriend. "48, eh? Keeping tabs on me now, are you?" He threaded his fingers into Syed's unruly hair and pulled him close again, pressing light kisses all over his face, before letting go and smiling into his eyes.  
"Would it bother you if I was?" Syed asked with a mischievous grin.  
Christian considered this. "Well... hmmmm...let's see..."

But his train of thought was interrupted when suddenly his eyes caught on something over Syed's shoulder and he pulled away in surprise.  
"Sy..." he gasped in delight, as he looked around the flat, "what have you been doing?"  
Syed smiled, and took Christian's hand in his, tugging him gently along to show him.  
"I thought I'd better spend those 48 minutes in a useful way", he said. "I started yesterday, but got distracted ... remember?" he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

Christian looked around in awe and felt a lump form in his throat. All the removal boxes were gone. Books, ornaments, cushions, photos... everything was unpacked and back in its rightful place. Even most of the artwork was back on the walls. The cold empty flat he'd planned to leave behind only a few days ago, was now again a home... filled with all the fabric of his life... the fabric of _their_ lives, he corrected himself, as his gaze slowly moved around the room, to finally end on his boyfriend's expectant face. Syed was watching him intently, gauging his reaction, waiting for him to speak.

But Christian was speechless. He brought Syed's hand to his mouth and kissed it affectionately. With his other he reached out, and gently pushed away a lock of hair from Syed's face.  
"Thank you" he whispered, when he finally found his voice back. "Thank you for making this place a home again"  
"You're welcome" Syed said, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed at Christian's emotional reaction. "I really wanted to sort it before you got back. I wanted to surprise you. Not sure I put everything in the right place though. So if it's not..."

But Christian stopped his nervous ramble, by placing his fingers on Syed's lips.  
"It's perfect, Sy" he said "It's just perfect! This is your home too. So you can put things wherever you want them..."  
He stopped himself, and felt a slight tug at his heart when he realized that everything in this flat was his, and Syed had had to leave everything behind. Seeing his boyfriend's eyes clouding over ever so slightly, he knew the same thought had crossed Syed's mind. Tenderly he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in a tight embrace.  
"Things are just things after all" he whispered softly, locking his eyes with Syed's. "You made this place a home, Sy, not just by putting the cushions on the sofa, or these silly frames on the wall... for which I'm very grateful, don't get me wrong... but you made it a home simply by being here."

Syed smiled and shrugged off the slight regret he'd felt. As usual, Christian had read his every thought. No one had ever been able to understand him quite as well as Christian did. He wasn't sure he understood himself quite as well as Christian did. He was right. Things were just things. He'd left behind many things before, he'd done it more than once, and each time he'd survived. This time, it would be more than just survival. He had so much more to look forward to, so much more to live for, to replace those things. He had a whole life ahead. A life filled with love. He had a home. The person he loved was here to share it with. Compared to all that, things really were not important.

They just stood there together for a little while.  
Finally Syed nudged Christian. "So..." he smiled teasingly "I admit that I'm not very experienced at this sort of thing, but isn't it tradition that if one takes care of the household, that the other brings home the food..? So I do hope you have done your bit, mister... I'm quite hungry now, after all that hard graft!"

"Hungry, you said?" Christian whispered. With a dangerous flicker in his eyes, he lowered his head and captured Syed's lips with his again. Syed could do nothing but respond eagerly. He felt his legs begin to tremble and he went off balance momentarily, but Christian's strong arms held him tight.

"So what about breakfast?" he mumbled, when Christian finally released his lips to take a breath. With reluctance Christian let go. He framed Syed's face, slowly combing his hair back with his fingers, and smiled. "Now there's a man who's got his priorities sorted" he chuckled, "Okay... breakfast it is then"  
Unable to resist, he pressed another quick kiss on Syed's lips, before he pulled back and collected the disregarded shopping bags from the floor.

0+0+0+0

When Christian had spotted the candles on the breakfast table, he'd laughed. Syed had felt self-conscious suddenly. A candle-lit breakfast… It had seemed a good idea at the time, when he thought back to their conversation the morning before, but now… it just felt cheesy and overly sentimental. But Christian had reassured him. He'd laughed and teased but there was that glimmer in his eyes that filled Syed's heart with joy. More moved by this special touch that he was willing to admit, Christian had pulled his boyfriend close again and whispered "I love it, Sy. It's brilliant"

So now they sat together closely, enjoying their first proper breakfast together. They were quiet, nothing was said, all they needed was each other... glances and smiles, and little touches, as they were silently savouring the feeling, the atmosphere, the food…

"So how're things 'round the Square then?" Syed finally asked casually. Too casually, Christian knew. "Are we still the talk of the town?"  
Christian decided to keep the tone light. He smiled. "Well, Patrick did give me a few funny looks at the shop, but I'm not sure if it was the result of last night's rum, or if it was just plain jealousy …"  
Syed laughed, but his eyes were weary. Christian plunged on.

"I also ran into Jane. We had a coffee"  
"Explains the 48 minutes disappearing act, of course" Syed said. "What did she say?"  
"She said she's very happy for us…" He took Syed's hand and squeezed "...for both of us"  
"Jane's been very kind to me." Syed said quietly. "Even after everything I'd done, she was always kind…"  
His voice trailed off. Christian waited. He knew the question Syed wanted to ask, but it was up to him to decide if he was going to ask it or not. He just held on to Syed's hand.

At last, Syed cleared his throat. "Did you… did you see... you know… You didn't see… them, did you?"  
"No, my love, I didn't" Christian said kindly. "I didn't see your mum or your dad. But Jane has..."

Syed's head shot up, his eyes wide. "Wha.. what did they… ? How ..? " he couldn't continue.  
"Jane said that your mum still looked very angry, but that your dad seemed more… upset than anything else… She hasn't really spoken to either of them."  
He said it gently, affectionately rubbing his thumb over Syed's hand. There was no way of making this any easier. Syed had to know it all.  
"And Lucy saw Amira leaving in a cab, shortly after you came to me… She's left the square. For good, it seems..."

Syed let out a trembling breath and lowered his eyes. "I hate what I did to her, Christian. Hurting her, and hurting you… , I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that…" He sighed.  
"And as for my parents…" he shook his head in a gesture of complete helplessness.

"Why don't you tell me about it, Sy?" Christian urged. "Don't bottle it up, love…You don't have to deal with it all on your own, you know… "  
"I know, Christian. I know…. I _will_ tell you. It's just… "

His words were brutally interrupted by the sound of the buzzer.  
Colour drained from his face, Syed looked up at Christian. "Are you expecting someone?" he asked, feeling a jolt of panic. Before Christian even had the time to respond, he nervously rambled on.  
"What if it's dad? It could be dad… He said he'd come and talk to me… That he might… maybe..." he tried to steady himself, but the panic was unmissable.  
"Christian... What if it's dad? What do I say to him?" his voice was barely a whisper now. He suddenly felt dizzy.

Christian got up and took Syed in his arms. "You just tell him the truth, Sy. If he's here, that must mean he's willing to listen. Just... tell him how you feel... be honest. That's all you can do... It's gonna be okay."  
"You think so?"  
"I'm sure of it. As long as you're honest, Sy, everything will be just fine. And I'm here. Whatever happens. I'm here. Besides... we don't know if it's your dad yet... it could be anyone... Don't get yourself all worked up, love"  
Syed took a deep breath, just as the buzzer went again  
"I suppose you'd better get that then" he mumbled, unable to hide the anxiety in his voice.

With one last tender caress Christian tried to wipe the worry from his lover's face, and reluctantly let go. He went to pick up the door phone, but his eyes never strayed from Syed's.  
_I love you,_ he mouthed, as he picked up and listened to the person at the other end.

0+0+0+0

"Yeah.. he is..." he answered "Sure... come on up" as he buzzed the caller in. He put the receiver back and looked at Syed. He could see the worry still etched on the other man's face, and tried to calm him with a reassuring smile.

"It's your brother" he said.

Christian saw an instant flash of panic cross Syed's face "Tamwar!" he gasped, and with that so familiar gesture of helplessness he dragged his hand through his dishevelled hair.  
"Oh no... Tam... he doesn't know yet, he... I … I didn't tell him...!"  
Christian grabbed Syed hand, and squeezed it affectionately.  
"He does know, love. He's here... he knows"  
"But... what will he say, what.. what am _I _going to say? I...I should have told him... he's going to hate me too, isn't he...?"  
Christian pulled Syed close and wrapped his hands around that face he so cherished.  
"Sweetheart, no one hates you. And trust me on this... Tamwar will not hate you either. I have every faith in your brother. He's a clever, down-to-earth sort of guy. It will be okay, I promise you... And whatever happens... I'm here."

Syed took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. Christian comforting voice, his warm touch and those beautiful eyes reassuring him with quiet confidence were a balm to his nerves.  
"Will you stay with me?" he was barely audible.  
"Of course I will, my love. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. But I don't want to intrude... so do tell me if you need some privacy..."  
The knock on the door startled Syed. Christian ignored it, and instead pulled Syed tighter to his chest, gently rubbing his back in long comforting strokes. He could feel Syed's heart race in a nervous flutter. "Shhhhhh" he whispered soothingly "It's going to be okay."As the knocking grew more insistent, he gently let go of Syed, exchanged another reassuring look with him, and went to open the door.

Syed could feel his heart beat frantically. He turned away, and wrung his hands together, in a futile attempt to stop them from shaking. He had never expected that it would matter so much what his brother thought of him. Tamwar and he had never been best buddies, and he knew in his heart that that was down to him. He knew he'd never paid enough attention to his little brother. It was not because he didn't care. His own complicated life had absorbed him, and diverted his attention away from everything else. From everything that really mattered.

Tam and he had had their differences. No doubt about that. There had been plenty of envy and misunderstandings between them. But when it came down to it, they were brothers, good brothers, and he loved Tamwar with all his heart. No matter how thoroughly different they were.  
Tam was geeky, clumsy ... but he was also funny – really funny - and intelligent. And loyal. And honest. And just like Christian said, Tam was down-to-earth. He said what he thought, and even if he was wooden and uneasy in his manners, he was always truthful, and had a knack of hitting the nail on the head. In that sense particularly, he was so different from him. Syed inwardly shook his head. He had spent most of his life being far too busy wearing his perfect son, golden boy persona... pretending... living a lie. He'd become a master in it, pulling the wool over everybody's eyes... No one had ever seen through it. Until Christian. Now it was time to show the real Syed to his brother. It was long overdue. And it made him nervous.

As he heard Christian opening the door, quietly welcoming Tamwar in, Syed took a deep breath and turned around.

The two brothers faced each other in silence, and Syed swallowed hard. It was the first time in days he'd seen anyone of his family, and part of him just wanted to walk up to Tamwar and put his arms around him. All his instincts told him to, but of course he didn't. Tamwar wasn't a touchy-feely sort of person and would probably not know how to react to such a sudden show of affection. And moreover, Syed had no idea what Tam thought of him right now. Nothing could be read from the expression on his face.

"Tam..." Syed finally managed "I'm so sorry..."  
Tamwar's face didn't change. He just looked at Syed with that mild ironic expression in his eyes that Syed knew so well.  
"What exactly are you sorry for Syed?" he said at last.  
His voice sounded kind, but there was a hint of hurt in it.  
"For being gay?"

Tamwar never wasted any time beating about the bush.  
Syed swallowed, he felt unable to speak.

"I mean... you _are_ gay... aren't you?" Tamwar insisted "That's what this is all about, isn't it?"

Christian was watching the scene from the other side of the room. He could almost physically feel Syed's turmoil, and every nerve in his body screamed at him to go and support him. But he knew this was something Syed had to do himself. He squirmed inwardly when he saw Syed bow his head at Tamwar's question, as if he was ashamed.  
"_What are you sorry for, Syed?_" - it was a question he'd often asked. He felt a pit in his stomach. Syed had come a long way, such a very long way. But it hurt to see how he was somehow still racked with guilt over just being himself.  
But then Syed surprised him

"_You are gay, aren't you_?" Tamwar asked. And Syed finally looked up at his brother, and squared his shoulders. With hardly a hint of regret or doubt in his voice or in his eyes, he nodded  
"Yes, Tam, I'm gay."  
But then as suddenly as it had appeared, just as fast did all the resolve seem to leave him.  
"And I'm sorry." he continued "I'm really sorry, Tam"

Then his voice broke and he just couldn't continue. He hung down his head, and covered his eyes with his hands.  
But Tamwar was relentless.

"So I ask again…" he said "What is it you are sorry for…?" Syed didn't feel capable of answering, he felt unable to even raise his head again and face his brother.  
"Is it for being who you are…? For being _what_ you are?" Tamwar insisted.  
Syed fiercely tried to hold back the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes. It was the moment of truth, and he felt utterly helpless.

Even from across the room, Christian could see every muscle in Syed's body tense. He silently begged Syed not to give the devastating answer he feared he would.  
_Please, Sy, don't say you're ashamed of who you are. Don't do this to yourself again. Don't do this to us._

When no answer came, Tamwar took a few steps closer to his brother. Syed was still looking down, struggling to keep his emotions in check, to find the words to explain what he felt. He shut his eyes closed, in a futile attempt to stop the tears from flowing.  
"Let me tell you who you are, Syed" Tamwar said quietly. The expression on his face hadn't changed. Syed still wasn't looking at him. "Let me tell you _what_ you are…"

Syed let out a ragged breath, but before he could even think of what to say, before he could even form a coherent thought in his head, Tamwar spoke again. His voice was kind.

"You're my brother, Syed"  
Syed's head shot up, his breath caught. He looked at Tam as if he was afraid to believe what he was hearing.  
"Tam…?" he whispered hesitantly. And then clumsy, shy Tamwar did something so unexpected it surprised both Syed and Christian to their very core.  
He took another step, completely closing the distance between them, and in an awkward, but unhesitating, genuinely loving gesture, he simply put his arms around Syed's shoulders and pulled him close in a tight embrace.  
"You are my brother…. and I love you." he said quietly.  
The relief shot through Syed's body like a bolt of lightning. It was as if every muscle, every nerve inside him gave way. His knees buckled and his hands shook, as he tentatively put his arms around his brother, and breathlessly leaned into his hug. The tears were flowing freely now.  
"Nothing will ever change that, Syed." Tamwar reassured him. "Nothing."

Syed finally let go of all the tension that had built up inside him. Painful sobs of gratitude and relief shook his body, as he clung to his brother like a man about to drown. And Tam just quietly held him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Christian too could hardly contain his emotions. As he watched the two brothers together, tears pushed to the corners of his eyes. He knew how massively important Tamwar's acceptance was to Syed. He felt such an amazing gratitude towards the younger man for giving Syed this priceless gift. He was utterly relieved to know that he judged Tamwar right. Though young and inexperienced, Tamwar was clearly blessed with a veritable sense of justice, and the will and conviction to always do the right thing. Christian had always believed – well... hoped - that he would not turn his back on his brother. But Christian also knew that it was impossible for him to grasp all the cultural stumble blocks Syed and Tamwar had to face up to, he knew that he couldn't really gauge all the consequences of their religious and cultural background... So in the end, Tamwar's reaction had always been an unknown factor.  
But fortunately Tamwar had decided that first and foremost he was Syed's brother – and Christian could only feel deep joy at that.  
It meant that Syed had not really lost his family.  
Not all his family.  
It meant that there was hope.

0+0+0+0

"So what did they tell you then?"  
Christian could hear the tension in Syed's voice. He'd decided it was best to give Syed and Tamwar some space, but he didn't want to leave altogether, so he was busying himself in the kitchen, making cups of tea that would probably never get drunk.  
After Syed's emotional outburst, when his tears had finally subsided, the brothers had shyly pulled away from each other, somehow reluctant to let go, and yet uncomfortable with that new and surprising level of understanding between them.  
And now they sat closely together on the sofa. Christian saw how Syed was almost aching to touch Tamwar again, … reach for his hand, his arm, his shoulder… to keep intact the physical contact with his family that he'd craved so much. But he was holding back, careful not to frighten Tamwar off. Tam was nervously fiddling with his glasses, plucking at the sleeve of his shirt, but his eyes never veered away from Syed. It was as if he was truly seeing his brother for the first time.  
They sat in silence for a moment, and at last Syed tentatively asked the question that had been on his mind since the moment Tamwar walked in.

"What did they say… ?" he croaked "…mum and dad?"  
Tamwar shrugged.  
"Nothing much…" he swallowed. "That you and Amira broke up. That she left. That you left. That you weren't coming back… That…" He hesitated.  
"That I brought shame to the family and that my name should never be mentioned again" Syed finished the sentence for him. His voice strained with the pain he was trying to hide.  
"Something like that…" Tamwar admitted.

Silence fell again.  
"They didn't tell you that I ….that I was gay, then… "  
Tamwar shook his head.  
"Then how… how did you know…?"  
"I heard them arguing…. Rather loudly… a few times. I heard Christian's name mentioned… in a not very nice way… I was hardly allowed to leave the house all weekend, and the way they... acted … I knew it had to be serious, there had to be more to it than just your marriage breaking up…" Tamwar shrugged again  
"And then when they finally couldn't keep me indoors anymore, I caught some of the talk on the square…" he smiled ruefully and rolled his eyes "No wonder they didn't let me go out… So…I put two and two together and… well… I came up with four… And here I am"

"I'm so sorry, Tam" Syed said softly, and when he saw the question in Tamwar's eyes, he added "I'm so sorry for lying to you"  
"Don't apologize" Tam said, he let out a low chuckle "Of course you lied… I would have lied too if I was you… It was quite a secret to have..."  
He looked away. "But what I don't get, Syed…" he hesitated.  
"What…?" Syed asked, but Tamwar shook his head "Go on, Tam, don't hold back... ask me… it's okay..."  
"Why did you marry Amira, Syed…? if you knew you were… I mean… I assume you _knew_ by then that you… that you were…"

"Yeah…" Syed sighed "I knew… But I was still in denial."  
He shook his head, correcting himself. "Or actually… I was _not_. I knew it… I _knew_ it in my mind, in my heart…"  
Almost automatically he glanced up towards the kitchen.

Christian had been battling between the urge to listen in on the conversation, and the knowledge that Syed and his brother deserved some privacy. In the end, he'd consciously avoided trying to hear their hushed conversation. But sensing that Syed was watching him, he looked up, and their eyes locked.  
Syed took a deep breath, remembering the conversation he and Christian had had on his wedding day.

"_I want you… to be true… to yourself!"  
_"_True to myself? You make it sound as if being attracted to men is the only part of me that matters. Yes… I'm gay! There. I said it…"_

How much he'd hurt Christian that day. He swallowed hard.  
"I knew what I felt, I knew who … what I was… I was simply too scared to really admit to it. To act on it. To be brave, take the jump and live with the consequences…"

"_I'm gay and I love you. I wish I didn't. But there you go"  
_"_Then be with me… Please!"_

How much he'd hurt himself. He could still feel Christian's hand grasp his in a desperate attempt to make him listen, he could still remember the near physical pain he had felt when he had freed his fingers – reluctantly, carefully, as gently as he could - from that hold. He would never forget the devastation in Christian's eyes at that... at what must have felt to him like the ultimate rejection. He would never forget how much it had hurt himself to break that touch. It had clawed at his heart… and somehow it still did.

Now, all that time later, Christian was again watching him intently, quietly encouraging him, offering his support, his eyes gentle and understanding, and full of the love they shared. Syed knew that Christian knew what he was thinking of, he knew that Christian's thoughts were at exactly the same place as his own.

As reluctantly as he'd pulled his hand away that day, Syed broke his gaze, and faced his brother again. "I was scared, Tam. And I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I wasn't just lying to all of you… to Amira… I was also,… most of all… lying to myself… and I saw no other way out. I was a fool. Such a fool. And a coward. I ended up hurting everybody I cared about. Marrying Amira was the worst mistake I ever made. I nearly destroyed her by doing that, and hurting her was the last thing I wanted. It nearly destroyed Christian. Hurting him like I did…." Again he locked eyes with Christian across the room. "Hurting Christian… was what ultimately nearly destroyed me… In the end, Tam… I just couldn't do it anymore… I just…"  
His voice trailed off.

"I knew you weren't happy" Tamwar said quietly.  
Syed looked at him in surprise.

Tamwar smiled at him with that half-crooked smile of his.  
"I may be young and inexperienced, Syed, but I'm not stupid… and I'm not blind. You weren't happy, it was so obvious… even though you hid it well. I kept thinking newly-weds should be acting happier… be more… content… spend more time together… But you didn't. And it was odd… Now that I think of it, the only times I ever saw your face light up in the past few months was when you played with Kamil…."  
He shook his head in quiet surprise as it suddenly hit him "...or when you were at the unit… with Christian…"  
He shook his head. "Maybe I was blind after all…."

Then another thought struck him like a blow.  
"Oh my god… Mum knew, didn't she? She knew… way before you told everyone… That's why she always seemed so angry with you. I knew something was off… the way she looked at you… You and her were always so... close… and then suddenly… She knew, didn't she?"  
Syed nodded wordlessly, his eyes cast down, the memories of his mother's rejection still almost too painful to bear.  
"That's it, isn't it? ... She knew before the wedding, and she made you go ahead with it… That's why dad's so angry with her…."  
Tamwar didn't expect an answer, he saw it written in his brother's eyes.  
The surprised hurt in his voice reminded Syed of his father. Tamwar was so different from their dad, but somehow he was a lot like him too.

_We can't run away from who we are.  
_The thought passed through his mind fleetingly, and he realized how true it was.

"So… and now... Are you happy now, Syed?"  
Tam's direct question surprised Syed and left him speechless at first. But when he looked up, he saw only kindness and quiet patience in his brother's eyes.  
Suddenly he felt liberated, it was as if a weight lifted from his shoulders. He could feel a grin spread over his face, and it was with wholehearted conviction and sparkling eyes that he answered.

"Yes, Tambo. I'm happy. Very happy. This is what I want. This is where I want to be. This is who I am. Yes. I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been."

"You really love Christian, don't you?"  
Again Syed could hardly believe what he was hearing. This Tamwar would never cease to surprise him. Where did his shy, awkward brother disappear off to?  
He smiled.  
"Yes. I really love Christian. I love him with all my heart. More than I've ever loved anyone… or anything. He's my world…"  
With quiet conviction he added "And Christian loves me."

Christian had chosen this exact moment to come out of the kitchen, carefully balancing two mugs of tea. He heard Tamwar's question, and Syed's unhesitating answer, and it made him stumble, nearly spilling the tea in surprise. Not that he was surprised at what Syed said. He knew Syed loved him. After everything that had happened in the past 72 hours, and before that even, there was no question, no doubt in his mind.  
But it was the way Syed said it, so full of conviction and so full of joy… and who he said it to, that made his heart do happy somersaults. He stood there, rooted to the spot, helpless almost, with a mug in each hand, and all he wanted to do was drop them, take two steps forward, sweep Syed into his arms and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. As if he was reading his mind, Syed looked up at him, his eyes conveying everything he felt for him. They smiled, and suddenly everything around them seemed to disappear.  
There was only them.

Tamwar was watching the silent exchange between Syed and Christian, and felt the electricity in the air. He shook his head in mild confusion and idly wondered why this didn't make him feel more uncomfortable. His brother was in love with a man, and despite all his preconceptions, despite everything he had been taught all his life, it suddenly seemed like it was the most normal thing in the world.  
Just two people in love.  
What could be wrong about it?

"Well… That's all I need to know" he mumbled, and coughed pointedly . "I better give you some privacy, I think…"  
The spell between them suddenly broken, both men looked at him in confusion. When they saw the glint in Tamwar's eyes, they all laughed.

"Don't go now… I just brewed you some tea" Christian said, setting the mugs down on the coffee table.  
"It took you long enough," Tamwar joked, determined to show no sign of discomfort "I thought you'd never offer"  
"Yeah... Not a very good host, I admit..." Christian answered in the same light tone "Must polish up on my entertainment skills.. sorry..."  
He wished he could say more, … there was so much more to say... but he was careful not to alienate Tamwar. No matter how understanding the boy was, this was all very new to him, and there were still a lot of bridges to be built. So he held back on the impulse to wrap his arms around his boyfriend and pull him into a hug. Instead he retreated back to the kitchen, just lightly touching Syed's arm in passing. Syed understood and smiled at him gratefully.

0+0+0+0

At last Tamwar sighed. "I think I better go now, Syed … you know… sorry"  
Syed understood "Of course. I don't want you to get into any trouble with mum and dad, Tam… not on my account"  
"Don't worry about it. I won't"  
"I'm serious, Tambo… I don't want you to..." he swallowed hard "...to lose them too. I couldn't bear it. I mean it" The intensity in his voice bore witness to Syed's emotions.  
"So do I. Don't worry, Syed. It's gonna be fine" Tamwar paused and looked at his older brother in earnest.  
"But I'm not going to turn my back on you. I just won't. I don't care _what_ they say"  
When Syed wanted to say something, he held up his hand. "End of discussion, Syed."

Both men stood. Syed looked at his brother affectionately. When did his little brother turn into this mature young man, he wondered.  
"Thank you, Tambo" he sighed.  
"What for..?" Tamwar shrugged. "Look... I'm not going to stand here and pretend I understand all this. I'm not going to say that I don't worry about it... that I'm comfortable with it... But you're my brother, Syed. And like I said, nothing will change that."

He sighed. "Right, I better go now... before mum and dad come home"  
Then he remembered. "Oh, hang on" he said "I brought along some of your clothes and stuff. I know you don't want me to rummage through your things, but... well.. you know...I thought you might need some of these" He opened the flat door and with some effort grabbed the bag he'd left in the hall, and hauled it inside. It was huge and bulging with clothes. He glanced at Christian who'd joined them  
"I hope you have large wardrobes, Christian... the pile of clothes my brother has... you're gonna need a _lot_ of space..."

Syed shook his head. "Tam... seriously... you should be more careful. Mum and dad won't like it if they know..."  
"I'm doing nothing wrong, Syed. it's your stuff, right? " He rolled his eyes. "I'm afraid you're going to have to do some ironing... considering my packing skills … or lack thereof..."

Suddenly serious, he leaned over and unzipped the bag. "I brought something else. Something I thought you'd like to have..."

Syed's heart almost stopped when Tamwar held out his Qur'an. At first he couldn't move. He just stared at the beautifully adorned cover of the precious book. Tears pushed to his eyes again. He tentatively looked up at Tamwar, and seeing only love and encouragement in his brother's eyes, he reached out and carefully, almost reverently, took the Qur'an from his hands.

"Thank you," he whispered, unable to say more. He stared at the holy book in his shaking hands. "Thank you so much..."  
Tamwar gently put his hands over Syed's holding the Qur'an.  
"You do know that Allah still loves you, don't you, Syed?"

Syed nodded silently, still speechless.  
"Loving is not a sin, Syed" Tamwar added quietly. "I don't know much. But I am sure of _that_"

He squeezed Syed's hand affectionately, then surprised him again by leaning in and pulling him close in another brotherly hug.  
"I'll see you soon, Syed" he whispered, swallowing away the lump in his throat. Then without a further word, he let go and turned to leave.  
"See you soon" Syed croaked. It's all he managed to say. His knees buckled and he just about managed to lower himself on the sofa.

Christian let Tamwar out.  
"Thank you Tamwar" he said wholeheartedly. "I know this can't be easy... but it means a lot"

Tamwar glanced back at his brother. He shrugged.  
"You know what...? It _is_ easy... He's my brother. I love him."  
He paused, and looked up at Christian earnestly "You _are_ serious with him, Christian, aren't you?"

"I am" Christian assured him "I love him. With all my heart. I won't let him down."  
"Make sure you don't" Tam said, and with that, he was gone.

Christian closed the door and went to Syed who was still sitting motionless on the sofa. His head bowed, he was quietly staring at the Qur'an in his hands, his fingertips affectionately caressing the fabric of the cover. It seemed an intrusion to Christian to speak now, so he silently crouched down in front of him, gently put a hand on Syed's knee in a comforting caress, and waited patiently.

At last, Syed looked up. Christian wasn't sure what he had expected.  
Tears. Pain. Hurt. Regret, perhaps.  
But not this.  
Not the utter joy radiating from Syed's eyes. Eyes brimming with tears, for sure, but the joy in them was unmistakeable.

"I'm so lucky, Christian" he finally murmured. He swallowed hard.  
"I have …. a wonderful brother..."  
Christian smiled and squeezed his knee. "Yes, you do"

Then Syed reached out and tenderly cupped Christian's face.  
Locking eyes with his, he exhaled deeply and smiled.  
"And I've got _you_".

Christian's heart skipped a beat.  
"Yes you have, Sy... yes... you have"


	22. Chapter 22

_**A/N: This chapter is a bit different... Maybe a little unexpected, but I hope you like it.  
I split it in two parts, because it was getting too long. So the next part should be happening quite soon... **_

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO**

Only the sound of their breathing filled the room as they sat together. Syed was resting his head against Christian's shoulder and simply enjoyed the feeling of the other man's arms around him. Christian's chin was buried in his hair and he was gently stroking Syed's back in long comforting strokes, feeling all the tension slowly ebbing away from his body. No words were needed. Each was caught up in their own thoughts.

The confrontation with Tamwar - albeit very positive – had inevitably stirred up in Syed all the hurt and pain of being rejected by his family. Despite it all, he missed them. His mother's unrelenting refusal to even listen, and his father's passive dismissal had shaken him to the core, and no matter how happy he was with his choice, the rejection still hurt terribly. Tamwar's acceptance had meant so much, but he had no illusions. There was still a long way to go.

He couldn't yet talk to Christian about it. He wanted to. Christian wanted him to. But the pain was still too raw. He feared the things he would say – inevitably driven by the hurt he felt – would make Christian think that he had doubts about his decision, or that he'd chosen him for all the wrong reasons. But he had no doubts. And he was with Christian for all the right reasons. For the first time in his life did he feel like he had found himself.  
He had found peace in his heart and in his mind.  
And love.  
This is where he belonged.

Christian held him close and silently prayed that Syed would soon find the words and the courage to talk to him about his family. Thoughts of Syed's pain made his own mind inevitably go back to his own past. Memories he barely ever allowed to surface nowadays were pushing to the front of his mind, no matter how hard he fought to keep them at bay.  
He was sure that Syed would, in time, share his feelings with him, and he was careful not to push the issue. It was up to Syed. Christian just hoped he wouldn't bottle things up too much, let it simmer and stir, and eat away at him. The peace Syed had found in his heart and in his head was there, he knew, but it was still very fragile

And then of course there was Syed's faith. After Tam had left, Christian had watched Syed carefully placing the Qur'an on the book shelf, his fingers lingering on its cover in a hesitant but solemn and loving gesture. Christian couldn't help but wonder what feelings the reminder of his faith would conjure up inside Syed. He'd witnessed that final exchange between the two brothers with a lump in his throat. He knew he understood little of what his faith meant to Syed, he only knew it was hugely important to him. He admitted to himself that it scared him a little too. It had long been one of the reasons why it had been impossible for them to be together. So far the subject had been avoided, but it was there… tugging at the edges of his conscience, constantly reminding him that there was still a long way to go…

He sighed and pulled Syed a little closer to his chest, determined to let no negative thoughts spoil the moment.

Syed stirred, took a deep breath, and finally broke the silence.  
"Shouldn't we be doing something?" he murmured.  
"Something?" Christian replied, consciously keeping his voice light, "Hmm... well... there's plenty of 'somethings' I could think of doing..."  
"Let's see..." He put his finger under Syed chin and tilted his head back, softly catching his lover's lips with his own. Syed responded fondly to the kiss, but he giggled and resisted when Christian's mouth and hands grew more insistent.  
"I mean … Christian... shouldn't we be doing something… constructive... " he insisted with a smile.  
"Who says this isn't constructive…?" Christian pouted, relentlessly continuing to cover Syed's face and neck with sweet loving kisses  
"See... We're building something here… I can feel it… it's building… it's growing…Can't you feel it, then…?"  
"Christian!" Syed laughed, wrapping his hands around Christian's face to pull him away "can't you ever be serious about anything?"  
"I _am_ serious... I would never joke about constructive things" he answered with a straight face "never".  
He moved closer again and started nibbling at Syed's ear. "This is a great spot right here" he murmured, nipping his way up Syed's left lobe.  
The quick, delicious shivers distracted him. Christian had the first two buttons of his shirt undone, before Syed squirmed himself free.  
"I mean…." Syed sighed, patiently spelling it out, as if speaking to a wayward naughty child "Maybe we should go to Roxy's to pick up your suitcases, or get some ironing done, or get the wardrobe sorted, or… "

"Why?" Christian said, suddenly serious "Why are you so adamant that we should _do_ something, Sy? Why can't we just sit here together? We've waited so long for this...  
So ... bloody long..."  
He couldn't stop his voice from catching.  
"And now we _can_. We can be together, Sy… without any worry or reservations or limitations, without the need for any lies, for checking our watches, for sneaking away…"  
He tenderly touched Syed's face.  
"All I want to do right now, Sy, is just sit here… together with you."

Syed was moved by Christian's emotional outburst.  
"You're right." he smiled quietly, shaking his head "You're so right."  
He sighed and snuggled back up to Christian's chest.

So they just sat there, quietly, not saying anything, just enjoying their time together. Syed smiled as the other man kissed his forehead, and slipped his arm around his waist. He clasped Christian's other hand in his lap, losing himself in the comfort of the other man's arms, and let his head rest against Christian's strong shoulder.  
"This is so nice," he sighed.  
"Yeah... it is..." Christian agreed, wrapping his arm a little tighter around him. It was lovely being together like this, just enjoying the warmth and the comfort of each other's company.  
He would never get enough of this. Never.

0+0+0+0

"Christian?" Syed murmured.  
"Hmmm?" Christian didn't stop the delicate strokes along the soft skin Syed's arms that felt almost hypnotizing to them both.  
"Can I ask you something?" His thumb began stroking Christian's palm as he spoke.  
"Of course you can, my love.. Anything."  
Syed hesitated.  
"What is it, Sy?" Christian asked. "Go on, ask me... don't hold back"

"How was it for you, Christian…?" Syed finally managed. He swallowed hard.  
"How was it for you… to come out?"

Christian's hand continued its gentle caressing of Syed's arm, only a slight hesitation in his touch betrayed his surprise. He'd wondered when Syed would ask.  
When. Not if. He'd known the question would come.  
The need to know answers, to find solutions, were as much part of Syed as the colour of his eyes. So he would tell him. All of it.  
He wasn't sure it was the right moment. But he was sure that he could not and would not lie or hide anything from Syed. Before this moment, he hadn't made up his mind whether or not he'd talk to him about it spontaneously, but he'd promised himself that if Syed asked, he'd tell him everything.  
No lies, no secrets.

"Christian?" When no answer came, Syed lifted his head to look at him.

Christian smiled at him tenderly and wiped away a stubborn strand of hair from Syed's face.  
"It was awful" he said. He cleared his throat.

Syed's eyes widened.  
"Surprised?" Christian smiled when Syed nodded shyly.  
"My love, it's not because all is well now, that it means that it was any easier for me than it was for anyone else." He sighed "It's never easy. Not for anyone".

He wrapped his arms a little tighter around him, pulling Syed even closer.  
He knew that in fact, Syed's question, his need to hear his story, was only a prelude to opening up, and telling his own. If only for that, he owed Syed the truth.  
All of it.

Syed lay with his head against Christian's chest, and listened to his strong heart beat. He suddenly realized the significance of the moment.  
He closed his eyes and waited. It took a while before Christian spoke again.

0+0+0+0

"I guess to some degree I always knew I was gay. I realized I was different from quite a young age. I was about 10, 11... I think, when I started looking at boys differently. I don't think I quite realized it then, but looking back on it now... well... " he sighed.  
"I will not pretend that coming to terms with it was easy, or that I was particularly happy about it. You know how it's like to be a teenager. Just being a teenager is hard enough already... you just want to fit in, and anything that complicates your life, that makes you stand out, that makes you different… is … hard..."

"When I was growing up, as a teenager, I wasn't so much denying it, but I did do my best to ignore it, forget about it..." Christian shook his head.  
"But deep down I knew. I knew there was no escape from who I really was."

He sighed deeply. "So after I'd struggled with it for some time, I decided I had to talk to someone about it. James... my best friend...you remember him, don't you...?" Christian hesitated when he felt Syed tense in his arms. He closed his eyes, he could have hit himself for being so thoughtless. Of course Syed remembered. James's stay at Walford held bad memories for both of them. It had also ended a precious friendship. He still felt guilty about it. But now was not the time to ponder on that...  
"James was openly gay by then. He had come out to me when he was about 14. It didn't make any difference to me, he was still my best mate, but it made me think... When I started to realize my own feelings, the logical thing would of course have been for me to turn to him... But something held me back. I … I didn't want James to think that I fancied him, that I was interested in him … that way. He was my friend, but I wasn't attracted to him, and I was afraid if I told him... there might be misunderstandings... But I needed to talk to someone...  
My head was all over the place. I was confused, and I couldn't deal with it on my own any more, so I decided to turn to the one person who had always supported me in everything... my mum…"

0+0+0+0

_I know I have to do this. But I'm not sure I want to. I feel my knees buckle. But why should I be scared? My mum knows me. She understands me. She will tell me everything will be allright. She will help me. I know she will.  
_"_Mum?"  
__She looks up. She's sitting at the kitchen table, chopping vegetables. She smiles at me.  
_"_What is it, love?"  
_"_Mum... I have to talk to you... There's something I need to.. say"  
__I hear my voice is shaking, but she doesn't notice. She just continues to chop away. For some reason I am fascinated by her agile hands moving so swiftly with the knife. My throat constricts. I have to tell her. But I'm terrified.  
__Suddenly she looks up again.  
_"_Are you okay, Christian?" There must be something in my face, because she looks worried now. "Is anything the matter, darling?" She sets down the knife and wipes her hands on the kitchen towel, leaving behind greenish smears. They'll be hell to wash out, I know. I don't know why my mind keeps registering all these futile details – desperate as I am to keep it away from what my heart is screaming.  
__Mum gets up and walks over to me. She's only a few feet away, and I notice the worry in her eyes.  
How can I do this? I can hardly breathe.  
__I close my eyes, and take the plunge.  
__"Mum..." I hesitate just a second longer and then I blurt it out "Mum, I think I'm gay."  
__Only silence greets me. I'm afraid to open my eyes, but I do it anyway.  
__"Don't be stupid," she says. Her voice sounds harsh and determined. "You are most definitely not! What a silly thing to say. You spend way to much time with that gay friend of yours, reading those awful magazines and watching all that horrid stuff on tv. Put all that nonsense out of your head, Christian, and don't you ever say such things again...If your father heard..."  
__She turns, sits back down at the table, and starts chopping again.  
__And I'm just standing there.  
_"_Mum?" I ask tentatively. "Please... I..." But she doesn't look up.  
_"_I have to get this food done" she says "Dinner's at 7. Make sure you're here on time"  
__And with that, I am dismissed. _

0+0+0+0

"I ran to my room in a daze. I couldn't quite understand what had happened. I just told my mother, the one person I trusted and needed, that I thought I was gay, and she just simply fobbed it off and told me I was wrong. Full stop. End of story... She didn't even listen."

Syed stirred in Christian's arms. Something in his story had hit a nerve with Sy, Christian knew. It was bound to bring up all sorts of reminders to what he himself had been through. But he was too wrapped up in the memories of his own past to give it more than a moment's thought. He knew that was selfish, but now that he'd started to tell his story, he had to finish it. He hadn't told this to anyone for years. And Syed needed to hear it. Wanted to hear it. And he himself, he needed to tell it. All of it, every last sad and sordid detail. It was finally time to get the past buried, once and for all.

"So I started thinking... what if my mum was right after all? What if it was really all my imagination? Maybe it really was just a phase, maybe it was indeed spending all that time with James, hearing him talk about his conquests and his gay adventures... Maybe my mum was right. I needed to find out for sure. So I decided to give it a try. And there was only one way to do it... I had to get myself a girlfriend..." Christian shook his head in quiet self-depreciation. Syed pulled back a little and watched him in surprise.

"You did what?" he could barely say it.  
"I got myself a girlfriend" Christian chuckled. "Can you imagine?"

"I met Sarah. Sarah was wonderful. She was funny, intelligent, beautiful, she ticked all the right boxes. Except... I didn't fancy her... But who knew what could happen... if I tried?" he smiled ruefully.  
"That's what I told myself, anyway..."  
He sighed.  
"And Sarah... she wasn't stupid... she had me figured within a week..."

"We were in her room one night... Making out, cuddling and kissing... I knew where it was leading... And the more excited she got, the worse I felt. I could see how pretty she was, I realized she was attractive, but it didn't cause anything to stir in my loins... if you see what I mean... I felt like such a total fraud. The way she was kissing me, telling me how great I was, how good I made her feel... I felt like I was about to choke. I couldn't do it anymore. I pulled back and told her... I almost begged her... to stop.

She looked at me, hurt and confused. I don't know what she saw in my face, but I think she worked it out there and then..."

0+0+0+0

_She is straightening her clothes. I hear her moving about, but I can't look up. With shaking fingers, I button up my shirt.  
I feel sick. I feel ashamed.  
I want to go. Away from here. Away from the words that now inevitably will have to be spoken.  
I just want to go home, hide away underneath the covers of my own bed and try to make sense of all this. Is there any sense to this? What is it I am feeling? What is it I am running from?  
__Finally she speaks.  
_"_Stay here," she says, and she's out the door, rushing down the stairs.  
__All I can think about is leaving. With wobbly legs I get up, in search of my shoes, but before my nervous hands can even attempt pull them on, she's back. She's carrying two cans of beer.  
_"_Sit down" she orders me, but her voice is kind.  
__I want to bolt, but something makes me do what she says. I sit down on the bed, leaning against the headboard. She joins me there, opens the cans and hands me one. I take a long, deep swallow, and as the liquid hits my throat, I can feel myself calm down a little and I finally manage to speak.  
_"_I'm sorry" I mumble.  
__But she doesn't answer, she just shakes her head.  
We drink in silence.  
__And then, without any further preamble she asks the question.  
_"_Are you gay?"  
__I surprise myself. My answer is immediate and firm.  
"Yes", I say.  
__No one has ever asked me before, and I didn't even have to think before I responded.  
_"_Yes" I say again "I'm gay"_

0+0+0+0

"Saying "I am gay" out loud for the first time was harder than I thought. Three words, that I hadn't been able to voice for so long, were so hard to say. But when I finally said them, I felt liberated. It felt right. For such a long time it had been slowly eating away at me. To finally tell someone was unbelievable. And finally someone heard. Someone listened. Someone believed me. I could have cried with the relief and gratitude I felt."

"Sarah and I talked for hours, and in that short space of time, we became best friends. We also made a pact. As it turns out, she was pining for some guy her parents didn't approve of. So I became her alibi... and she became mine."

"I made my first shy steps into the gay scene while my parents thought I was with Sarah. I finally plucked up the courage to tell James, and he was amazing about it. He introduced me to a lot of people and through him I met new friends who were gay too, and we went to clubs together. I was 17 then, and I discovered a whole new world. I loved it! Those clubs were wonderful. Everybody was so free... men dancing with other men, kissing on the dance floor, making out in the men's... the liberation of it all... and no one even batted an eyelash.  
At home, I just kept lying. Who I was spending my time with, where I was going...  
I often wondered how my parents didn't notice. My new life consisted only of going clubbing, picking up guys, staying out late... School work was the last thing on my mind, and it was beginning to show. When they asked about it, they accepted every excuse I invented. I went from being this reasonably quiet guy to having a really busy social life suddenly. Maybe they were just happy that I seemed to have found a nice girlfriend, or maybe they just refused to see..."

"So this went on for a while... Until Sarah decided to come clean with her parents about her real boyfriend, and I agreed with her that it was time for the truth. I just couldn't stand all the lying any more. I knew who I was and what I wanted... and it was time for my parents to know it too."

0+0+0+0

_My head is thumping. I know it was a bad idea to go clubbing till 3 am last night. And I should have held back on the V&T's... But I knew what I was going to do... what I **have** to do today... and it was Dutch courage I needed. But all that is not helping me right now, as I sit on the bottom step of the staircase, with my head in my shaking hands. I hear my parents in the kitchen, having their breakfast. I hear my dad chuckling about some bit of gossip my mother's sharing. And all I can think is that I'm about to change their world as they know it. _

_I have the conversation in my head. I know what I want to say. But I don't know if I can. And yet, I don't know if I can not.  
My knees are shaking as I finally pluck up the courage to walk into the kitchen. Dad's reading the paper as he does every morning. Mum is buttering some toast. They are not even looking up, as they mutter their good mornings. I can't bring myself to sit down. Every nerve in my body is screaming. _

"_Stop hovering about, Christian" mum says, "sit, have your breakfast" It's been nearly a year now since, right here in this room, I made my first attempt to tell her. After that disaster, it was never mentioned again. I'm nearly a year older, and I'm much more confident in myself. I don't just 'think' I'm gay anymore. I know I am. But I'm still just as terrified. _

_Dad looks up from the sports section "Had a good time with Sarah last night?" he asks.  
__My dad never asks about Sarah. And yet today he does. As if he knows something is up. It must be a sign.  
I finally lower myself on a chair, and take the piece of toast mum's offering. Obediently I start spreading jam on it. But my hands don't seem to be working. I'm shaking like a leaf.  
Exasperated I abandon my attempts at normality. _

"_Are you okay?" my mum asks, at last noticing something is not quite right. "Don't tell me you've had too much to drink again, Christian..." she shakes her head "Sarah should look after you better"  
__This is my opening. Without any further thought I grab it.  
_"_Actually, mum, dad... I broke up with Sarah"_

_There's a stunned silence as they both look at me in complete surprise.  
_"_Why on earth would you do that? Such a lovely girl" my mother exclaims.  
I can already see something shift in her eyes. As if she knows what I'll say next. And she probably does.  
Despite her decisiveness to dismiss it, her eager willingness to be blind-sided by my so-called relationship with Sarah, she hasn't forgotten our earlier conversation. She knows._

_I swallow. No way back. _

"_I haven't been completely honest with you. Sarah and I haven't really been together... we've just been pretending"  
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.  
"Mum, Dad...I'm gay."_

_The silence that hangs in the air is deafening and I can feel my heart beating in my ears. I look from my mother to my father and I swallow hard. I'm about to ask them if they have heard me when my dad finally speaks up._

"_Don't say such stupid things" he says, "No son of mine is a... homosexual" He utters the word as if it's a curse. And as if that statement settles the issue, he picks up his paper and continues to read.  
I'm struck silent and look at my mum._

"_You really have to stop all that nonsense, Christian" she mutters. Her eyes are brimming with tears, I know she knows the truth, but she just refuses to see it._

0+0+0+0

Christian let out a quivering sigh. For a moment, he couldn't continue. The harshness of the memories were almost too much for him. Syed could do nothing but hold on to him, softly touching his arms and his chest with gentle strokes and hoping that his closeness would be a comfort. The distress, so apparent in Christian's face, in his voice, and in the frantic beating of his heart, almost made him wish he hadn't asked the question. But then again, this was a side of Christian he didn't know. That he _needed_ to know. _Wanted_ to know. He wasn't sure what he had expected when he asked, but it was certainly not this heart-wrenching story.

"You never said...you never even hinted.. " Syed finally said quietly, when the silence lingered.  
Christian shook his head, and smiled regretfully.  
"I wanted you to _come out_, Sy... I was trying to convince you to be honest to your parents. Telling you how disastrous it had been for me... that was not exactly going to help, was it?"  
"Guess not..." Syed admitted, shifting a little closer.

"I love you so much, Christian" he murmured.  
Christian clung on to him a little tighter and hid his face in the crook of Syed's neck.  
"I know you do. And I love you too" he said.  
"If you don't want to talk about it anymore..."  
But Christian shook his head. "I want to tell you everything. I want you to know..."  
He swallowed again.  
"I want you to know every sorry detail of it... But let me warn you... It's not a pretty picture, Sy..."  
"Tell me"  
"Are you sure you want to hear?"

Syed reached out and pulled Christian's face close to his. Looking deeply into his eyes, he kissed him softly on his lips.  
"Yes. I love you. And nothing you can possibly say is going to change that."

"Okay" Christian sighed.  
"I will tell you everything..."

**_Reviews much appreciated, as usual. Thanks! _**


	23. Chapter 23

_A/N : Feeling a bit insecure about this one... Should perhaps come with a warning... Not a pretty picture, as Christian said in the previous chapter. Almost a Christian monologue...  
Reviews as always much appreciated. Thanks.  
_

**CHAPTER TWENTY THREE**

"I pleaded with them. Or at least... I pleaded with my mum. The moment I started to talk again, my father got up and left... At least mum stayed and listened. But it was as if she didn't hear me...It felt like hitting my head off a brick wall. "  
Christian sighed.

0+0+0+0

_I watch her across the table. Her face is unnaturally pale. Between us lie the remnants of our breakfast, and what I feel are the remnants of our lives.  
She knows it all now. I poured my heart out to her. I've told her all of what is going through my head, I've told her all my feelings, I've told her what I'm really doing at weekends. But there is no response. The expression on her face has barely altered. She just sits there, staring at her hands. The silence that hangs between us is like a weight pressing on my shoulders, on my chest, on my heart.  
Finally she looks up._

"_What have we done to deserve this, Christian?" she asks. "Why do you insist on placing such a burden on us? Why are you being so ungrateful?"  
_"_I'm not being ungrateful" I despair. "I'm not doing this to hurt you or dad. It's just who I am, mum. I'm gay! Please... "  
__But she continues as if I didn't speak.  
"I don't know where we went wrong. I really don't. We were so happy when you came along. You were such a lovely little boy. We had such high hopes for you. We hoped, in a few year's time, you'd settle down, get married, start a family of your own... And now you come with this... "  
_"_Please mum, listen to me, ... please." I beg her.  
_"_No." she says. Her voice is low but determined. "You listen to me, Christian. I don't want our normal lives disrupted or destroyed. So you stop this foolishness. You stop it. Right here, right now. As far as I'm concerned, this whole thing ceases to exist immediately."  
__An icepick through my heart wouldn't have felt worse. I am speechless.  
__Encouraged by my stunned silence, she continues. "This stops now." she repeats . "You are young, and easily influenced. I can see how you've been taken in by that... wayward... friend of yours... I can accept you may be going through some sort of phase, but it has to end. I don't want to see it, hear about it, know about it – at least not until I hear from you that it is over."  
__As I sit there, crushed and distraught, she gives me the final blow.  
_"_It's your choice, Christian. If you want to be part of the family, you act like a normal person. And that's the last thing I'll say about it."  
__And with that she dismisses me. Again.  
As she moves to get up, I find my voice back. I have to try to make her listen.  
_"_No.. mum... You've got it all wrong... ! It's not a phase, it's not as simple as that...Look at me, I'm gay!. I'm not making this up. I am gay, mum, It isn't something that can just be switched off...even if you don't want to see it... it's true, it's real...!"  
__She doesn't even look up. "You'll grow out of it" she says.  
And with that, she's gone. _

_I just sit there. I want to cry. But I can't. Instead, I stare at my shaking hands with painfully dry eyes, trying to make sense of it, of everything.  
Of anything. _

0+0+0+0

"I spent that day in my room, feeling numb. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that my parents...who I'd always considered to be the most understanding and caring people I knew... would react like that. This was a time when I needed them more than I ever had. How did they not see that?"

"The next weeks passed me by in a blur. The first few days we avoided each other as much as we could, but meal times were a nightmare. We just ate in silence, glaring at each other... And then it sort of wore off... Things calmed down, and my parents just went about their usual business, and the subject wasn't raised again. They probably thought if they ignored it, it would just go away...  
Ultimately, there wasn't much difference to their attitude towards me. They mostly left me to my own devices. What they didn't see or pretended not to know wouldn't hurt them, would it? So I decided that if they didn't care, then _I _wouldn't care either... "

"But as the days wore on, the sheer unfairness of their reaction started to really hit home and my initial feeling of shock, and later indifference, was replaced by anger and outrage. And resentment. I started to hatch a plan. If they didn't want to listen... then I was just going to have to _show_ them, wasn't I?"

"And so I spent my evenings and my weekends pretty much the way I had done the past few months, going to bars and clubs, drinking, flirting, and picking up men... hoping to get "lucky". And I got lucky most times. Never shy of a quick fumble in the men's, or to take it further In the back of someone's car, in the back row at the cinema, or in the porch of an abandoned shop. I was one huge walking hormone back then. I couldn't get enough. And part of me did it just to spite them... That in fact, they didn't know what I was doing, was just a minor detail... One I intended to rectify pretty soon... "

Christian sighed. He wasn't looking forward to telling this next part of the story. But he had promised Syed he wouldn't hide any of it.

"My silent anger towards my parents started to overtake everything else. I wasn't really going out for fun anymore. I was going out to punish them. To know that they sat at home wondering what I was up to, imagining all sorts of things probably, was a small act of revenge, but I was planning to make it even worse. Much worse..."

0+0+0+0

_He's hot. His eyes have been following me all evening as I do my usual "rounds" around the dance floor. I barely remember the days when I was shy and self-conscious about dancing in public. It's only been a few months, but it seems like a life time. By now this crowded hot stuffy-aired space, filled with sweaty men's bodies dancing closely together to the loud thumping music, is my home. My habitat. Here's where I become my own. Christian Clarke, 17 years old, party animal and man killer "extra ordinaire"...  
Our eyes lock across the dance floor. Yes. He'll do nicely.  
__I play the game to perfection. I know all the rules. Like I've written them. I don't break eye contact with him as I sway across the dance floor towards him, craftily avoiding touches, glances, flirting eyes. I only watch him. Like a wild animal watching his prey. Closing in for the kill.  
__He's in front of me, barely a breath between us, and he doesn't even blink. I like it. Without a word, I lean in and kiss him unceremoniously on the lips, my tongue invading his mouth like I own it. He responds eagerly. I pull him close. My hand moves to his crotch. Hard already. And big. Good. He'll do very nicely indeed.  
__I pull our lips apart and watch him. In the changing colours of the spot lights I can see in his eyes that he's gagging for it.  
_"_Let's get out of here" I say, grab his hand and pull him along. He follows me out the club willingly._

_Stage one of my plan accomplished.  
__Time for stage two._

0+0+0+0

Christian felt Syed stir in his arms. Maybe his description of his "man killer" days had been a bit too graphic for him. Syed had a jealous streak, he knew that. But there was no way to sugar-coat it. That's how he used to be. He wasn't going to hide it or lie about it.  
He pulled Syed closer to him, and pressed his lips on the top of his head as if to tell him silently that all that was just the past, and the now was this... the two of them together.

"So I took him home. No quick fumble in the men's this time, no blow job or jacking off in the back of a car. No. I took him home."

Syed could feel what was coming. He braced himself. This was a side to Christian, a dangerous, ruthless side, he'd never really seen before. Part of him was fascinated by it, another part was just... jealous. Jealous that he hadn't known Christian in those days. Yes... he wanted to be that guy that Christian took home. But jealous also that he himself had never had the courage...no, not even the chance... to be a bit more like that. Out, bold and unapologetic about being himself.

"Mum and dad weren't in. Every second Saturday of the month, they went out to dinner with friends. Every time they went to the same place. Every time they came back at the same time... I knew that"

Christian's voice was like sandpaper. He cleared his throat again, wouldn't look at Syed, even though he could feel him looking at him.

"I don't even remember his name. I don't even remember how he looked like. All I know is that he served my purpose really well. He was there for one reason and for one reason only. It was a play, and I was directing it. I was pulling all the strings. He was just a willing participant, an innocent actor in a series of events that I manipulated... I'm not proud of it. But there you go..."

"So I think you can probably guess what happened. Mum and dad got home from their dinner party, and found me on the sofa, half-naked, with a raging hard-on... and with a man's cock stuck halfway down my throat..."

Christian let out a raspy breath. He wasn't that person any more. But reminding himself of who he was back then felt quite disturbing. Telling Syed about the person he was, was rather disturbing too. He couldn't gauge how Syed would react. He wasn't proud of what he did. But back then, it has seemed the only way. The only way out, a means to an end. A necessary means to an end. Nevertheless, it brought back feelings that he thought he'd long ago come to terms with. Maybe he had just been fooling himself.

Syed didn't say anything. His head still on Christian's shoulder, his soft quiet hands never stopped the comforting caressing of Christian's arms. He wasn't going to pretend that he wasn't shocked by Christian's story. But he loved this man. This man who had stood by him throughout the worst times of his life. And no one had been there to stand by Christian when he needed them to. So he was going to be there for him right now.  
He shut his eyes closed, trying to imagine how it must have been like...

"It was like watching a film in slow motion... " Christian finally continued."Well... slow..." he chuckled bitterly "I've never seen anyone react as quickly as that guy. One look at my father, and he had his trousers back on and was out of the house like a light..."

He swallowed.

"And then … there was silence... It couldn't have lasted more than five, ten seconds, but it was the longest silence I've ever experienced. I looked at them defiantly. As if I dared them to react, to say something, to challenge me. It's what I wanted. I wanted a reaction. Something... Anything. But all I got... was silence...  
I couldn't help myself... "Do you believe me now?" I taunted them. "Well... do you?"  
I'll never forget the look of complete shock and horror on my mother's face. She just stared at me. I thought I saw a flash of hurt, but then all I could see was disgust.. complete and utter disgust. I was her son, and I disgusted her. She just stared, then turned around and left the room.  
But my father... my father... just... lashed out in fury... I was still sitting half-naked on the sofa, and out of the blue... he just hit me, sending me reeling. It was the last thing I'd expected. I'd barely ever known my father to raise his voice... let alone raise his hand. But he lost it. He had no words to respond to what he'd just seen. So he used the only other weapon he had... His fists. He beat the crap of me. And I let him... I just let him..."

"I didn't fight him, Sy. I was so tired of fighting. I could have stood up to him, I'm nearly a foot taller than he is, but I just didn't care any more. And I didn't really blame him anyway. It was a pretty awful thing I did. I knew that. I'd wanted a reaction. And I got one. I finally knew what I needed to know.  
He quickly ran out of steam, he wasn't a violent man, and I'm not sure what shocked him more, my shameless display earlier, or his own brutal reaction to it. In the end, catching his breath, he looked down on me, crumpled on the sofa, and said it would be better if I left. The last thing he said was, "As far as I am concerned, I am no longer your father and you are no longer my son. Don't darken my door ever again."

"As I watched him walk out of the room, I saw my mother in the doorway. She'd witnessed it all. She'd seen my father hit me, and never even tried to stop him. I guess she thought I got what I deserved..."

"So I got up, went upstairs, cleaned my face, took the bag I'd packed earlier... yeah... it wasn't as if their reaction was a surprise... and I left. As I walked down the stairs, my mum came out of the kitchen. I felt a flicker of hope that maybe she was going to try and stop me. But one look at her face told me the opposite."

0+0+0+0

_I've never seen this coldness in her eyes before. It's a sight I will never forget. I makes me shiver. Not a hint of kindness or understanding. Not a hint of the loving mother I know.  
_"_You just couldn't help yourself, could you?" she sneers. Her voice is hard and as cold as her eyes.  
I just look at her impassively. I'm numb. I'm not sure anything she says can touch me now.  
_"_You just had to go and destroy our lives, didn't you!"  
__I thought after what just happened, nothing either of my parents said could still surprise me. I was wrong.  
_"_**Your** lives?" I gasp… "**Your** lives?... What about **my** life? What about **me**?"  
_"_You always were a selfish, self-absorbed little brat, weren't you?" Her words hit me harder than the blows my father gave me. Every word pierces my heart and shreds to pieces the last remnants of what I thought was love.  
_"_Everything is always about **you**. About what **you** want. Christian Clarke's precious little life. It's all you care about! You're a seventeen year old boy, for goodness' sake – you don't have a clue what life is about….!"  
__She is unstoppable now.  
_"_You think you are God's gift to mankind, don't you? Well, let me tell you something, Christian, you are just a pathetic little kid. A pathetic little kid who thinks the world revolves around him. Who doesn't give a damn about anyone else. As long as you can have and do what you like. If you want to do these… vile… things, you go right ahead and do them. But not in my house. Not in my home. Not in my life. You make me sick."  
_"_You had a choice. I gave you a choice, Christian. But no… you decided you knew best. As usual. You just go ahead and do what you like, and you don't care who you destroy in the process! So go off then, run away… ! Go live a life of sin and ... wickedness.… if that's what you want. But when one day you wake up and realize that this… life … you chose is exactly the abhorrent, horrific, repulsive disaster I told you it would be… When that day comes, and I promise you it will… you will come crawling back, begging for forgiveness. But I will let you crawl… you can count on that… I'll let you crawl… "_

_I just stand there and let her fury take its course. Though it hurts, with every word she says I feel more determined and more justified in what I did. I watch her rage and it is as if it's the first time I see her. Flashes of my happy childhood and youth shoot through my head – all the fun and the joy we had together – Images of giggles and jokes and confidences and hugs and tenderness… And I realize with painful clarity that I don't recognize this woman. My mother. I don't know her.  
__It's as if she reads my mind.  
_" _I don't know who you are" she says "I don't even want to know..."_

_And I find my voice.  
__I look her straight in the eyes. Those angry cold eyes I don't recognize.  
_"_I'm your son, mum" I say.  
__I turn around, and I leave._

_I won't be back._

0+0+0+0

Silence stretched between them. Christian held on tighter to the grip Syed had on his hand. His breath was ragged, as he forced himself to remain calm. He wouldn't cry. He stopped crying over the past a long time ago. But his heart was beating frantically, and the memories he'd stored away for so long were chipping away at his normally cool exterior. He closed his eyes.  
All Syed could do was hold him, and hope that his presence, his quiet gentle touch, would be enough to haunt away the demons of the past in Christian's head. But his own demons were back in full force now. Taunting him with every word Christian had spoken… painfully reminding him of his own mother's rejection, her dismissal and her blatant bigotry.

"Where did you go?" he ventured at last.

"I spent all night outside the train station, and the next morning I took the first train to London. I'm not sure how I felt, sitting on that train. Yes... I was hurt, spent and bruised... but I was excited too. This was going to be the start of my new life... " he chuckled bitterly. "It was. But it was different than I expected..."

"The glamorous life I had dreamed of turned more into a fight to survive. I stayed at a youth hostel the first few nights, but quite quickly ran out of money. Finding a job was just impossible, and I ended up sleeping rough... It was one of the worst experiences ever. I suffered cold and hunger, but I was still convinced that it far better than living with my ignorant parents. But I didn't hold out too long. I was not cut out for life on the streets... "

"So after only a couple of weeks, I turned up at Jane's...tail between my legs. Jane had moved in with her boyfriend David a few months earlier. I didn't know where else to go."

"As it turned out, there'd been quite a panic about my so-called disappearance. I'm sure neither mum nor dad had actually expected me to effectively go away. When I wasn't back by the next evening, they started to ring round. But they didn't know much of my life, so they didn't have a clue where to start looking. I heard later that mum had been to see James at home and had made a massive scene. Accusing him of all sorts… of turning me, of making a freak out of me, even of hiding me… All that… in front of his parents, who'd barely come to terms with their own son's sexuality themselves. His parents became more suspicious, refused to let him go out, treated him dreadfully… all because of my mother's accusations. He'd had to bear the consequences of that for months to come…

In the end, when I still hadn't come back after 3 days, the police was called. But I was 17 after all.. and they guessed, correctly, that I'd ran off to London, and my disappearance wasn't considered much of a priority. So when I turned up at Jane's there was huge relief all round. But when I blatantly refused to go home unless they accepted that I was gay, we were right back at square one. I won't even try to repeat the stuff I had to listen to… I think dad might actually have given in. He apologized for hitting me, and I know it was heartfelt. I've never blamed him for hitting me. I probably deserved it. I did blame him though for not speaking up. Not the first time. Not the second time either. I couldn't forgive him for looking at me with that quiet contempt and for letting mum do her worst... Mum's reaction was just a repeat performance of the night I left. I guess she was feeling completely powerless at my straight refusal to comply to her demands. But I wasn't giving in, not one iota...

So in the end, the compromise was that I was going to stay with Jane and David until I turned 18, and then I could do what I wanted… I agreed, and I ended up staying with them much longer than I had intended. It was the good life. I was out. I was free. And no one was going to stop me from having a good time. Jane and David just let me live my life. She was an absolute saint... "  
He chuckled bitterly with mild self-contempt. "And then I only went and ruined that too…." He sighed. "But that's a different story…"

"Anyway… I only saw my parents one more time, at Jane and David's wedding. But we didn't speak. It was pretty awful. We were all so stubborn. So unwilling to give in, to compromise, … or just to talk. When in the end, we finally reconciled…. It turned out that all it really took, was just a little less stubbornness, and a little more understanding… and that was all…."

0+0+0+0+0

"How long did it take before you reconciled with them?"  
Christian looked into Syed's serious eyes, and as the words formed into his mind, he realized that he couldn't say them. He couldn't tell Syed the crushing truth. So he just shook his head.  
But Syed insisted.  
"How long?"  
"It doesn't matter, Sy… it's over. It's in the past. It doesn't matter how long…"  
"Tell me" Syed was adamant, but his voice was shaking.  
"Sy…. You can't compare these…"  
"How long?"  
At last Christian couldn't hide it any more.  
He bowed his head and took a deep breath : "We only made up… about … two years ago…."  
The silence hung between them, but Christian daren't look up. When he finally did, he saw the shock in Syed's eyes.  
"That's almost... twenty years..." he choked. "Twenty years!"  
"Sy…" Christian muttered, "Please don't get all upset about this… You can't compare these things. It's never the same for anyone, it's not because it was so long for me … that it will be the same for you…"

"For _me_?" Syed looked at him in surprise "_Me_?"  
He wrapped his hands around Christian's face and locked eyes with him.  
"But... It's not about _me_, Christian. It's about _you_!" He swallowed. He wouldn't cry. There'd been enough tears. He was upset, but not for himself. He was upset because Christian had had to live without the support of his family for such an inhumane amount of time. His heart felt heavy at the thought of it.

"It's about _you_," he repeated quietly. And because no words were needed to explain, he pulled Christian close to him and held him tightly.  
Christian shut his eyes closed and swallowed away the lump in his throat.  
"I'm fine, Sy... seriously." he smiled ruefully. "It's all in the past now. You don't have to worry about me. It wasn't all that bad... Really..."

Syed looked at him tenderly. "Who are you trying to convince, Christian?" he whispered.  
"You can't fool _me_. Because I _know_. I know how it's like. Yes... you're stronger than me, but don't sit here and tell me that it didn't affect you, that it was nothing... Because it wasn't nothing... was it?"

Christian shook his head, but he didn't feel capable of answering.  
"Tell me what it was like, Christian" Syed said after several minutes of just sitting together. He didn't say anything else, he just waited, squeezing Christian's hand.

Christian opened his mouth to tell him, but caught himself before he spoke. But when he saw the love and patience in Syed's eyes, he knew it would be okay to say it all.

"You're right, Sy… And you do know." He sighed.  
"When you told me about… those years you were separated from your parents, I knew exactly what you meant…."

He closed his eyes. "The first few weeks, months… I was just plain angry… and hurt. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and trampled on it. But I wouldn't let it show. I refused to let them get me down. So I built my life. A shallow life perhaps, partying, drinking, but a good life nevertheless. I found a job, new friends, and life went on…."

"But still… sometimes…." His voice caught "sometimes, I'd see something, laugh at something, be happy about something, and this spontaneous, natural thought would pop in my head "Must tell mum about this"…. And then it would hit me… that we hadn't spoken… in 2 years… or 5 …. or 10. I missed her. I missed them both, without even realizing that I did. Even after 10 years I missed them… even after 20."

"Do you know what the worst part is, Sy… It's the time we wasted. All that time we wasted being angry, and stubborn, and scared. We'll never get it back. Never. If we'd just had a little more faith in ourselves and in each other…." He shook his head.  
"In the end all it took was for both of us to understand, that we just didn't understand each other….  
To believe that no matter what, I still loved them, and they still loved me.  
And when we finally accepted that, it turned out that understanding each other wasn't really that difficult after all.  
I forgave my parents for not understanding me, for not being there for me, for not being the parents I had hoped they would be….  
And I know they have forgiven me, for being different, for not being the son they had hoped I would be."

"If there's one thing I learnt, Sy, it's this. Don't waste time on bearing grudges. On being resentful. It's just not worth it.  
Don't give up trying. Don't be scared to try. Making your peace with each other will only come about if at least one of you keeps trying..."

Syed hid his face in the crook of Christian's neck and held on tightly. "I love you, Christian... I'm so glad you told me. I always knew you understood me, better than anyone has ever done…. But it's more than that, isn't it? You don't just _understand_... You _know_. You just know… don't you?"  
"I do, my love, I do"

They sat there quietly holding on to each other, each lost in their own thoughts. Christian finally looked in Syed's beautiful sad eyes.  
"Tell me about it, Sy. Please. Tell me how it was to stand up and tell them…" Syed looked up into that precious serious face, and reached out to touch him.

"Okay…" he whispered. "Okay… Christian. I'll tell you"

0+0+0+0

_A/N Put the hankies away and watch this space for happy sunny spells in the next chapter ...;-)_


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N : Yep... There is a reason why this fic is rated "M"... High time the boys had a bit of ... fun...;-)  
This one is for my loyal WFCTGIO friends. Enjoy!  
Reviews as always more than welcome... _

**CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR**

_He's gorgeous.  
_Syed smiled, as he gazed down on the sleeping man beside him. Propped up on one elbow, he'd spent the last half hour watching Christian who was still in deep slumber. Syed couldn't keep his eyes off him.  
_I'm so lucky,_ he thought again, for at least the hundredth time over the past few days.  
_Look at you. My big strong man…You have such a beautiful gentle heart._  
A heart that had been hurt too.  
_You hide it well, Christian Clarke,_ he mused_, but deep down you're bearing the scars. Just like the rest of us. _

Carefully he traced his finger across Christian's jaw line. Christian stirred but didn't wake. They had spent almost all of yesterday talking. Syed felt like he hadn't talked so much in all his life as he had done over the past 3 days. It had done him a world of good though. A lot of the stuff that had been weighing heavily on his heart he'd now been able to share with Christian. What is it that they say…? A burden shared is a burden halved...  
So true.

After Christian's revealing tale about his own coming-out, Syed had felt how the words he'd been struggling to find to talk about his own experiences, had just come flowing out. Christian had just listened, held him, comforted him, with encouraging smiles and caresses and touches. No words were needed. Christian simply understood.

There was still a lot he hadn't said, of course. So much of it he'd been keeping inside for so long, and it still seemed blocked somewhere between his brain and his mouth. He'd revealed parts of it, of course, just tiny fragments of it, in their earlier conversations, and he knew that Christian – who always saw right through him - had been able to fill in some of the blanks himself. But there was still so much that he couldn't yet say.  
How his teenage years had been marked by his struggle to keep the budding fears about his sexuality at bay. Then his first tentative, fearful experiences, which in themselves had been short-lived moments of undeniable ecstasy and dizzying realization - but were always followed by long periods of painful self-castigation, self-hate even… The nights he'd spent alone crying, praying, begging, cursing … hating himself… He couldn't talk about that. Not yet.

And how he'd finally managed to piece together a persona he could adopt and live with. Suave, self-assured, lady killer Syed, hiding away the insecure, fearful, lying Syed he was deep inside. Everyone had fallen for it. And for a while he'd fallen for it himself. He had started to believe he really was that man.  
_And then __you__ walked into my life, Christian Clarke, and you stripped me bare of all my defences_.

_And here we are._

Syed gazed at the man beside him and felt his heart bursting with joy.  
"Stop staring at me, will ya!"  
Syed started, when Christian, his eyes still closed, suddenly spoke up.  
"I… I thought you were asleep…!"  
"I was, but those _piercing_ eyes of you woke me up…!" Christian growled, but when he opened his eyes, the smile in them belied his so-called dismay.

He reached out and tenderly touched Syed's jaw.  
"Hey you..." he whispered affectionately.  
"Hey..." Syed smiled back.  
"You okay, my love?" Christian asked.  
"I am... I'm perfect..." Syed snuggled close. "Thank you" he murmured.  
"What for?"  
"For listening. For talking. For being my best friend..."  
"_I_ should thank _you_ for all that" Christian smiled, as he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on Syed's lips.

Syed let out a sigh of contentment, and leaned his head against Christian's shoulder.  
"How did we even get here, by the way...?" he asked. "Last thing I remember, we were sat on the sofa, and you nearly burnt yourself, and me.. with those hot mugs of cocoa..."  
Christian just smirked and raised his eyebrows.  
"Oh... let me guess... You carried me again... Christian!" Syed thumped him playfully "You're gonna end up breaking your back if you keep doing that!"  
"You fell asleep. I didn't want to wake you. So it was either carrying you, or the both of us having a crooked neck again in the morning. Besides..." he shrugged "... you're about as heavy as a bag of feathers"  
"That's not true!" Syed protested.  
"It so is! You need some proper food down you. Some exercise..."  
"Stop it! You're starting to sound like my mother...!"

The minute the words left his mouth, Syed regretted it. The last thing he wanted this morning was think about his parents again. He'd just about managed to find some peace about it. And now, because of some thoughtless silly remark, he felt his mind inevitably wandering back to that one place he didn't want it to go.  
Christian didn't say anything. As usually, he simply understood. He squeezed his Syed's arm encouragingly and held on to him a little tighter.  
Syed sighed, and closed his eyes.

"Can't believe we spent all of yesterday just talking" he said after a moment's silence.  
"It was good though" Christian responded, affectionately nuzzling Syed's ear "wasn't it?"  
"It was wonderful" Syed agreed. "There's never been anyone I've been able to talk to the way I can talk to you..." He reached out for Christian's hand and their fingers entwined.

They lay together quietly for a little while.  
Then Syed stirred.  
"Christian, don't you think that today we should actually _do_ something? You know, you _did_ promise yesterday that we would…"  
Christian frowned. "What is it with you and _doing_ stuff!"  
"But you said…." Syed protested.  
Christian defiantly pulled the sheets over his head, and turned his back to Syed. "I don't care what I said… if you start about those suitcases again…. Just so you know… I'm _not_ interested! For heaven's sake, Sy… it's not even 6 o'clock in the morning…!" he grumbled.

Syed wasn't taken aback in the slightest, he just grinned mischievously.  
"Actually, Christian…" he mumbled against the other man's ear underneath the sheets, teasingly nudging his back. "…my plan does… not … _really_…. involve suitcases…"  
He struggled to hide the smile in his voice "What it _does_ involve however is … a…. errr… "  
"What…?" Christian muttered with a defiant growl.

"A shower."

There was no reaction at first. Christian was momentarily struck speechless. Syed waited patiently. Christian pulled the sheets down from his head and turned around again to face him. He eyed Syed suspiciously, but Syed just smiled innocently.

"A … _what_ ?" Christian asked, his eyes narrowed to questioning slits.  
"You heard me."  
"A _shower_…?"  
"Yep" Syed reached out and traced the tip of his index finger over Christian's jaw, down his neck, lower down his chest, until it reached the edge of the sheet that covered him. He fluttered his eyelashes appealingly.  
"You see... The thing is…." He bit his lower lip in that sensual gesture which he knew drove Christian crazy with lust.  
"Wha…?" Christian breathed, his heart beat suddenly going up a notch.

"The thing is….Christian…." Syed repeated "I must admit…. I suddenly feel rather… errr… dirty." He raised his eyebrows in pretend innocence.  
"Very… dirty, in fact." The twinkle in his eyes spoke volumes.  
A slow sly smile formed on Christian's lips, as it dawned on him what Syed was implying.  
"Dirty, eh?" he whispered, his voice thick with barely contained excitement.  
"Verrrrrry dirty" Syed confirmed "D'you think…. Perhaps… you could give me a hand with that….?"  
With a dismissive shrug, he added "but only if you feel like it, y'know….If you're too tired or…."

He couldn't finish his sentence, as Christian suddenly moved at the speed of light. He kicked away the sheets, hoisted himself up, climbed over Syed and jumped on the floor beside the bed in one swift movement. As usual, Christian had slept in the nude, and Syed swallowed hard as he admired the glorious sight before him. But there wasn't much time for watching.  
"Come 'ere..." Christian huffed " and I'll show you tired...!"  
He reached out, grabbed Syed's wrist and started to pull him along. Syed protested laughingly, as he struggled with the sheets tangled at his feet. But Christian was already on his way to the bathroom, tagging him along. If it hadn't been for his strong hold, Syed would have crashed to the floor.

While he stumbled along, trying to keep himself upright, Syed suddenly realized he only had his t-shirt and boxers on, and he fleetingly wondered where his jeans had gone in the time between their shenanigans with the cacao last night and this morning.  
Taking no time for pause however, Christian rushed into the bathroom, heading straight for the shower cabin and without much ado pushed a laughing Syed inside.  
"Christian… hold on…" Syed protested as he noticed Christian reach for the taps "Wait…. _Don't_ ….I'm still…"

"… dre….ssed … waaaaaaah…!" Syed yelled as he was being pushed under a spray of ice cold water.  
"Bloody hell, Christian! It's freezing…!" he gasped.  
Christian just laughed, and pulled Syed close before he could bolt out of the shower.  
"It'll warm up in a second." he reassured him. And then, without much further ceremony, he took the other man's face in both hands and pressed a scorching kiss on his lips, effectively silencing all his protests.

When they finally came back up for air, Christian wasted no time and his agile hands started to pull Syed's t-shirt off over his head.  
"Wait... W-wait!" Syed's words were muffled under the fabric as it got stuck around his head. The water had made it almost impossible to manoeuvre. They both worked at it, and in a tangle of limbs and fits of laughter Syed finally got the wet t-shirt off.

Breathlessly, they stood there, facing each other, without touching or speaking, the water flowing over them. Christian's eyes locked onto Syed's, and the passion was written clearly on his face. Syed just stared back. Standing there in his wet boxers, his hair dripping down between his shoulder blades and down to the small of his back, he could feel goosebumps spreading all over his body. Not from the cold, but from the look in Christian's eyes. He could feel his cock starting to swell and strain behind the wet fabric. Instinctively, Christian lowered his gaze, and it lingered at the junction of his lover's thighs. He barely held back a groan and stepped forward

Syed shivered slightly as Christian bent before him, and started working his boxers down. He felt his soft breath on his male appendage and clenched his fists, struggling to keep control as he awkwardly stepped out of the wet heap on the floor. Then he straightened himself and waited, trembling expectantly, as Christian took a step back again and took his time to look him over.

_He's stunning_, Christian thought. Just watching Syed standing there, underneath the shower head, with a stream of water flowing down his perfect body, was heavenly.  
He lowered his gaze slowly from Syed's eyes, past his face, following the trail of the water streaming down his chest, past the narrow trail of dark hair beneath his navel, until it finally settled on Syed's dripping-wet erection. Christian couldn't resist any longer, and he drew closer, wrapping Syed in his arms again, and crushed his mouth in another mind-blowing kiss. Their bodies pressed together tightly and the feeling of skin on skin was intoxicating.

They just stood there, holding on to each other for what seemed like an eternity. Unable to resist the temptation any longer, Christian sensually started licking the water cascading down Syed's face. Syed moaned, and closed his eyes.

"Look at me, Sy" Christian softly cradled Syed's face in his hands, tilting his head back until their eyes locked again. The way Syed was looking at him, drinking him in and adoring him with his eyes, took Christian's breath away. His beautiful dark eyes were hazy, yet full of passion and intent, and it was as if he was seeing right through him, peering straight into his heart and his soul. Christian felt a warm tingle deep in his chest, filling him with joy and awe.

"Sy..." he murmured, with a catch in his throat_,"No_ _one_ has ever looked at me like that before"  
"I have never…" Syed responded in an equally shaky voice, "I have _never_ looked at _anyone_ like that, Christian..."

Christian brought his lips over his again, feeling Syed's tongue in his mouth before he realized he'd even reached him. Syed slowly kissed him back, nipping affectionately at Christian's bottom lip. They shared a hot, wet kiss that they didn't want to end. Then Christian pulled back reluctantly.

Syed wasn't sure what to expect next. He simply waited, his chest heaving.  
"Just relax, sweetheart, and enjoy..." Christian whispered hoarsely, as he reached over Syed's shoulder and grabbed the shampoo from the built-in shelf behind him.  
He turned Syed around by his shoulders, squeezed a bit of the soap into the palm of his hand and started to massage Syed's scalp, gently running his fingers through his hair working up a luxurious lather.

"I do love your hair" Christian mumbled.  
Syed could feel himself relax completely, relishing in the feeling of Christian's strong hands on his scalp. He arched his back in encouragement.  
"I love your neck" Christian continued, as his soapy hands glided down, "And your shoulders … your back..."

Christian poured more soap into his hands and continued to wash him. He didn't use a sponge, just his hands, hands Syed was overjoyed to feel on his body. Christian turned him back round to face him, and repeated the process to his front. Syed sighed contentedly, while Christian continued to lather him. Stepping closer, Christian snaked his hands around Syed's hips, caressing the small of his back, moving them down, and gently pressed his fingertips against his ass. Syed writhed in surprise, and inhaled a gasp. It brought a smile to Christian's lips because he knew how much Syed liked to be touched there.

"Christian! " he gasped, his face flushed. "You barely have to touch me and I'm ready to come. You're driving me crazy...!"  
"Good." Christian smiled, looking into Syed's eyes. They were glazed with sheer ecstasy.  
"Ready for more?"  
A growl of pleasure rose up in Syed's throat. "God, yes!"

Only too willing to comply, Christian continued to let his lathered hands roam, thoroughly and deliberately scrubbing and massaging every part of Syed's body. Feeling Christian's fingertips on his heated skin sent shivers through Syed's entire body. It nearly drove him insane when Christian eagerly ran his hands down his legs, touched him between his thighs, but teasingly kept bypassing his rampant cock.

Aching to touch his lover, he gingerly brought his hands to Christian's sides, letting his fingers slide over his wet skin, but Christian gently pushed his arms back down.  
"Just let me..." he murmured, while guiding Syed's body directly under the shower head to rinse away the soap he had so lovingly applied. Just as he had done when he soaped him, Christian again ran his hands over Syed's body, and when Syed tried to touch him again he patiently led his arms back to his sides for the second time.

Syed let out a soft groan and closed his eyes as Christian pushed him further under the water. It poured over his head and ran down his face, the drops tickling his skin. As the water drenched him, his hair stuck to his face in tangled strands and Christian couldn't hardly believe how stunning Syed was. He just wanted to lick every tiny drop of water from that golden skin. He moved in closer, kissing and licking at Syed's chest. He let his tongue flutter over Syed's nipples, teasing each in turn between his teeth. His hands moved over Syed's ass again, drawing their bodies back together. Syed made an inarticulate noise when their bodies made contact again, cocks sliding deliciously together. Syed inadvertently shifted his hips, pressing his cock against Christian's body, letting it softly rub, revelling in the sensation.

Giving in to Syed's wordless pleas at last, Christian's strong fingers wrapped around Syed's straining cock. Syed groaned in approval. He loved the way Christian was touching him, stroking the length of his shaft, caressing the velvety texture of his erection.

"Christ-i-an." he sighed breathlessly, when his lover ran his thumb over the head of his erection, and shivers ran riot through his body.

Again he eagerly brought his hands up to Christian's waist but again Christian guided them back to his sides.  
"My turn" he whispered, and Syed finally relented. He closed his eyes and allowed Christian to take over his body. He struggled to control himself.

Christian's hands started to wander again, relentlessly, lovingly, teasingly touching every part of his beautiful boyfriend, bestowing wet kisses all over his body, tasting the water on Syed's freshly cleansed skin. He moved his hands down along Syed's abdomen, kissing each of his hips, and his teasing almost drove Syed wild.  
Then at last, Christian went down to his knees, ready to give his man the ultimate satisfaction. Syed had closed his eyes, but they snapped open when he felt Christian softly kiss the tip of his rampant erection, and grip his hips to pull him closer. Christian placed one hand around the base of Syed's cock, slowly jacking him while he took the tip of it into his mouth. He let the warm shaft slide over his tongue and flicked the underside, teasing it gently. Then he fitted his lips tightly around the head and began to suckle it slowly.

"Awwww... Christian..." Syed moaned out loud and his breath caught as he felt Christian's warm lips surround his swollen shaft. Christian was only bringing his lips about an inch down, his tongue fluttering around the head, but it was enough. It was enough to make Syed's head fall back and his breathing to quicken. As Christian licked and suckled his aching erection, Syed gasped again. Almost automatically, he began to buck his hips, and grabbed a handful of Christian's thick short hair, pulling and twisting it around his fingers.

He could feel himself getting close to the edge already and he groaned a muffled protest when Christian suddenly lifted his mouth from his organ, and got up.  
His hand didn't let go though. Christian tightened his grip on Syed's velvety shaft and kept on stroking him incessantly, while licking and nipping at every part of Syed's body he could reach. Raising his head, he covered Syed's soft, full lips with his again, kissing him tenderly but insistently, working his tongue back inside his mouth. Moving his free arm down Syed's back Christian gripped the cheeks of his firm buttocks, squeezing them gently as they continued to kiss. They groaned into each other's mouths, and Syed writhed helplessly, feeling Christian's hands ferociously fondling his cock.

When they finally pulled apart, Christian guided his body to turn again, and Syed followed his lead willingly, turning his back to him and giving him the control he wanted. He moaned in protest when Christian momentarily let go of his erection.  
But Christian's fingertips immediately started raking feathery softly down his spine, to the small of his back and over his ass cheeks, and all Syed could do was whimper and tremble helplessly. His already shaking legs began to give, and he braced himself against the shower wall to hold himself up as he felt his lover's naked body press into his back and his arms come around him. More shivers ran down his spine when Christian's questing fingers moved over his chest and abdomen, and worked their way down from there, until they got hold of his cock again, stroking it gently and softly cupping his balls.

"Christian…" Syed wasn't sure what he had planned to say, but when he felt Christian's grip on him tighten and his teeth gently nip at his shoulder, all that came out was a whimpering moan  
"Shit..."

Syed released a muffled cry and finally lost all ability to restrain himself. His ass flexed as he thrust forward into Christian's hand. He felt Christian's hot, teasing mouth on his back, kissing and licking him. Syed's trembling arms pushed against the wall while he fought desperately to keep his hips still when Christian began to stroke his length a little faster. He wanted to remain in Christian's control, give himself over to him completely and revel in the feeling of it for as long as he could.

While the water continued to wash over them both, Christian closed his eyes and leaned harder against Syed's back, relentlessly stroking him, teasing his balls, and gently nuzzling his face against him, every so often opening his mouth to taste him. Listening to the soft mewling escaping Syed's throat, Christian knew that his efforts to please Syed were getting the desired result. He could feel Syed finally starting to lose control, as he mindlessly started to thrust forward in his hand.  
Feeling Syed's velvety organ slide between his slippery fingers, and his own hard-on press against the warm crevice between Syed's ass cheeks, Christian could feel his own heart beat speeding up. Hearing Syed's ragged breathing and sensing his body's intuitive reactions, only served to heighten his own excitement, and Christian found himself pushing his own hips forward, tightening his hold on Syed even more as if it could release his own ache.

Syed knew he wouldn't be able to hold on much longer.  
"Christian..." he whispered, "Christian, love." One of his hands came down to meet Christian's over his erection and their fingers laced together.  
"Make me come. Please, Christian...I'm so... close..."

The rhythm of their joint hands on Syed's length picked up. Syed's body tightened, and Christian pushed himself even closer against him. The sounds coming from Syed's mouth turned into a long delectable groan, and his head fell back. At the same time, his cock started to twitch and jerk in Christian's hand, and expelled its seed in furious, hot bursts against the shower wall, his own chest, and their hands.

When Syed was spent he stood on shaky knees for a moment, leaning against the wall, catching his breath, his body trembling in a satisfied exhaustion. He heard Christian's breathing behind him, feeling his strong body heaving against his back. He finally regained some of his strength, and slowly turned back to face Christian, a relieved haze over his eyes, still shivering and trembling as the last remnants of his orgasm rippled through him.

Christian's hand reached out and touched a spot of seed on Syed's chest that had miraculously escaped the power of the pelting water, and the desire to taste him overwhelmed him again. He leaned forward and sensuously licked the semen from his chest, working his tongue over Syed's nipples again. Syed sighed and ruffled his shaking fingers through Christian's hair, pressing a breathless kiss on top of his head.  
"That was bloody amazing" he whispered.  
Christian finally looked up at his lover, whose hair and face were soaked with both sweat and water, whose eyes were wide and passionate and loving, and he just knew that Syed had never been more beautiful, more desirable, than right here at this very moment.

Syed leaned in to kiss him, greedily crushing their lips together, catching Christian's tongue in his mouth. Wrapping his arms around his neck in a fiery embrace, he pulled Christian close and ran his hands over his body. He so badly wanted to touch Christian, he _needed_ to touch him, and now he could. Christian shivered as he let Syed explore his body, and held on to him tightly.

As the water continued to flood over them, Syed leaned his head against Christian's shoulder. The sound of the shower was mesmerizing, almost hypnotic.  
"We're going to run out of hot water soon, Christian," he whispered in his ear, "how about if _I _wash _you_ now?"  
Christian smiled and raised his arms in mock surrender. "Go on then..." he said "Do your worst!"

It was all the encouragement Syed needed, and he bent down to pick up the abandoned bottle of body wash from the shower floor.  
"Oh hello...!" he chuckled when on his way down, his face nearly bumped into Christian's already semi-erect cock bobbing expectantly in front of him. Playfully Syed tapped its head with his index finger, causing Christian to gasp and jolt in surprise. "You're going to need a thorough wash, won't you. You seem quite dirty to me too..."

"Sy... please..." Christian breathed, but Syed didn't give in to what he knew Christian desperately wanted. He moved behind him instead, to follow the same pattern that Christian had.  
He thoroughly lathered his hands, and slid them up Christian's back towards his shoulders, bringing them together towards his neck in a firm massaging motion. When all of Christian's back was covered with a soft, frothy lather, Syed got down to his knees, letting his delicate hands run up and down Christian's strong powerful legs, all the way down to his feet.

"Ah... That feels so good, Sy," Christian mumbled, throwing back his head in complete abandonment.

Still on his knees, Syed placed his hands high up the back of each of Christian's thighs and started to slide them upwards. Christian groaned passionately when Syed's slippery hands moved over his ass cheeks, all the way up to the small of his back and then back down in slow caressing movements. When Syed teasingly slid his soapy fingers into the crack, Christian let out a breathy gasp.

But Syed didn't linger there. He got to his feet, turned Christian round, and started soaping his front. He relished in the exquisite feel of Christian's muscular shoulders and arms under his fingertips and slid both hands over his upper body and torso, down his chest, and over his abs. Settling back down on his knees, Syed started to soap the front of Christian's legs from his feet up to his strong manly thighs. All the while, he kept his eyes glued to Christian's beautiful cock bobbing invitingly before his face. The look of it mesmerized him, as it hung heavy and thick, straight upward, before him.  
Christian looked down, and the sight of his swelling cock just inches from Syed's face was nearly enough to make him come. He clenched his eyes shut in an effort to control himself, while Syed got more lather on his hands and let them trail between Christian's thighs.

As Syed's soap-covered hands at last slipped around that gorgeous dick, Christian felt his knees wobble and an amazing unstoppable sensation of heat stir between his thighs and all over his body. He braced himself against the shower wall.  
"Oh God, that feels good..." he breathed with a low groan as Syed let his lathered hands slide back and forth sensually all along the velvety smooth surface of his throbbing erection.  
"Please... Sy... !" he groaned.  
Undisturbed by his lover's desperate pleas, Syed took his time and washed Christian's cock thoroughly, his hands sliding from the very tip all the way down to the underside of the base, rubbing soap all over it. Even now it still amazed him that something could feel so hard and yet so deliciously soft and smooth at the same time. Audaciously, he moved one hand lower down and cupped Christian's balls firmly, squeezing and rolling them around in his palm. His other hand almost surreptitiously snaked around Christian's back, and he playfully slipped a finger in the crevice between his cheeks.

That was enough to push Christian over the edge.  
The tension that had been building inside him, now uncontrollably pushed its way out, and he hissed out loud, jerking his hips involuntarily. He closed his eyes and bit his lip, trying to force a measure of control back into his body. But to no avail. Waves of ecstasy started to surge through him and a growl arose from deep in his chest. He arched his back and screamed, succumbing to his passions and exploding at last.

It happened so fast that Syed had scarcely had time to react. The first blast hit him somewhere on his forehead, but he quickly folded his lips around the tip as Christian continued to spill his seed. The cock between his lips twitched violently, but he held it steady with his tongue, and hungrily swallowed the rest of the sweet liquid. When Christian was done, Syed let the organ slip from his mouth and licked along the soft curls at its base, savouring the precious drops that had escaped him. Christian sagged against the wall in exhaustion and wordlessly took Syed in his arms, pulled him in a close embrace.

Syed felt flutters in his stomach, like butterflies only so much more intense.  
_Here we are_, he thought again.  
Together.  
Not simply lovers, he realized, nor only friends.  
Boyfriends, yes, but somehow that word didn't seem adequate enough either.  
_We're partners_.  
Just that thought made him smile.  
He closed his eyes, and Christian – who seemed to be reading his mind again - gently stroked his head and placed a fond kiss in his hair.

For a little while, they sat together, sharing smiles and touches and kisses, and allowed their frantic heart beats to return back to normal.  
Then it was Christian who spoke up.

"This water is really getting cold, love. Perhaps we should move this to our bed?"  
There was a naughty edge to his voice.  
Syed looked up, peering straight into the deep blue of his partner's eyes.  
"I think we should" he agreed with a smile.

They quickly got back to their feet. Hand in hand, barely taking the time to rinse off the soap and the remnants of their lovemaking, not even stopping to dry off, they stumbled out of the bathroom. Closely locked together in a tight embrace, they fell on their bed and let passion take its course.

+ _some time later_ +

"Christian...?" Syed protested breathlessly "Christian... stop..!"  
"What?" Christian sighed  
He had been busy covering Syed's face and neck with kisses, and he was not impressed at all with the interruption...  
He propped himself up on his elbow and stared down on his lover.  
"What?" he repeated.

Syed grinned mischievously.  
"I've been thinking... you know... "  
"What?"  
"...about those suitcases...?"

For a moment, Christian was perplexed, then he saw the naughty glint in Syed's eyes  
"Oh... Just shut up, will ya..." he growled loudly, and crushed his mouth back on Syed's to silence him.

Right now, they definitely had more pressing things to deal with...


	25. Chapter 25

_**A/N : This chapter contains references to Syed's faith. I am not a specialist on the subject, nor do I want to pretend that I am. In preparing, I have done some research, because I wanted it to be as genuine as possible. I have also relied on my own instincts to try and describe Syed's feelings. I hope that I have not made any blatant mistakes. Any possible misinterpretations, misunderstandings, or language mistakes are completely my own. I want to stress that they are by no means a sign of disrespect. On the contrary, writing this chapter has made me want to find out more, and has raised my interest, my awareness, and my respect. So, anyone who wishes to comment on any possible misinterpretations or misjudgements I have made, do please let me know (preferably by PM). I'll be happy to correct or adapt if it is felt necessary. **_

_**Reviews are much appreciated as always. Thank you. **_

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

They woke almost simultaneously. A shy little ray of sunshine filtered through the gap between the curtains and tickled Christian's face. He blinked and tentatively opened his eyes, just in time to see Syed rub his face and yawn wholeheartedly. Christian's heart skipped a beat when he saw those gorgeous brown eyes slowly focus on him and begin to shine when they registered his presence. It was as if a fire rose within them, which lit up Syed's entire face.

They were lying face-to-face, wrapped in each other's arms, their bodies close, their limbs entangled, still feeling the echoes of their splendid love-making just hours before. Christian knew he would never get enough of this. Syed's body felt so good against his. Breathing in the scent of him, the taste of his breath, the sheer warmth radiating from his skin. It felt so familiar. It was as if it had never been any different. He never _wanted_ it to be any different. This was how it was supposed to be. This was how his life's plan was intended.

"Good morning, my love" he whispered, as he leaned in, and pressed a soft tender kiss on Syed's lips. Taking Syed's hand, he laced their fingers together.

Syed yawned again, and stretched, reluctantly forcing himself to wake up properly. Not really ready yet to let go of the comfortable slumber he'd been in. He wanted to stay like this, listening to the drumming of their hearts playing the same beat, enjoying the feel of Christian's breath mingling with his own, basking in the warmth of their closeness. It felt incredible to wake up in Christian's arms. He had longed for this for such a long time.

A warm smile crossed his lips as he looked at Christian through half-lidded eyes. Christian's face was beaming.  
"Morning" Syed replied. "You seem very happy this morning."  
Christian grinned. "Of course. _You_ made me this way."  
Knowing exactly what he was referring to, Syed's smile changed into a naughty smirk. "Oh? And what, exactly, did I do to cause you to …. errr... _glow _like this?"  
Shifting closer to him, Christian put his head on Syed's shoulder.  
"Last night," he confessed dreamily. "or should I say... earlier this morning... I felt more alive, more complete, than I've ever felt before in my entire life. And it's all because of you."

Syed shook his head in wonderment. Christian had always been the strong one in their relationship, the one with the experience, the confidence, the conviction. It never ceased to surprise him how this big strong man held no qualms over showing his vulnerable side to him.  
"It wasn't just me, Christian" he replied gently, with a lump in his throat. "It was both of us."  
"Well, okay then..." Christian murmured. "I'll take some of the credit..if you insist...But I want you to know... You give me so much. Everything I had ever hoped for, everything I imagined, and more... Last night was love, and joy and tenderness, and everything we've felt for each other, magnified a thousand times." He took a deep breath and sighed happily. "Thank you, my love"

"I've never known you to be so... poetic, Christian" Syed half-joked in an attempt to hide how deeply the other man's words moved him.

"Me neither" Christian confessed. "I blame _you_. It's all your fault that I'm turning into this soft, emotion-spilling, pathetic freak... you make me feel like a giddy teenage schoolgirl who is trying to impress her first crush by... reciting gooey poetry... " He shuddered in mock disgust.  
Syed was laughing.  
"I would never have compared you to a teenage schoolgirl..." he teased, "...but now that you come to mention it..."  
"What..!" Christian exclaimed. He moved faster than lightning, and before he knew what hit him, Syed was pinned down underneath him.  
"Say that again, if you dare!" Christian grumbled.  
Syed looked up at him with a defiant smile "Christian Clarke, you 're like a lovesick teee... " he started with a glint in his eyes, but Christian was faster, and plunged his lips onto Syed's open mouth, effectively silencing him.  
When he pulled away at last, Syed had completely forgotten what he'd wanted to say.  
"Well, that shut you up, didn't it" Christian joked.  
And it had. All Syed could do was stare into those deep green eyes, and revel in the sensation, in the memories, of being so lovingly caressed by those strong hands, feeling so safely protected against that muscular chest, and above all being loved so completely by this wonderful man…

He could hardly believe how deep their love had become.

0+0+0

They stared at each other for what seemed like ages. It was hard to break the spell. Reluctantly, and after yet another kiss, Christian rolled off Syed, and they lay next to each other, staring at the ceiling.  
Their fingers instinctively sought the other's and entwined.

"I've been thinking..." Christian started hesitantly "maybe you're right... Maybe we should be doing something… err… constructive today... like go get my suitcases… errr… or something. "  
"Oh..." Syed chuckled "have you finally run out of clothes then...?"  
"Noooo" Christian answered defiantly, "but... well... there _is_ some stuff in those suitcases I need...Like my razor and..."  
Syed playfully touched Christian's stubbly cheek. "Who needs razors? I kinda like the 'hobo' look on you"  
"Oh… Do you then?" Christian smiled.  
"Hm-mm"  
"Okay then, forget the razor. But... well, all right... I admit... it would be nice to have some clothes that actually _fit_ me..."  
"Then we'll go get them, won't we?" Syed chuckled. "We can do that after breakfast"

There was a pensive look on Christian's face "You don't have to come, you know... I can go get them by myself..."  
Surprised, Syed propped himself up on his elbow and looked at Christian with a frown.  
"I know I call you Superman, Christian, but even _you_ can't carry those three gigantic suitcases across the square all by yourself"  
"I can go twice. Not a problem..."  
"Don't you want me to come with you then?"  
"Of course I do.. " Christian answered hastily "it's just... I thought... facing everybody ... in the Vic and all that…. You know how they are like, and... and...I just… "

"Christian, sweetheart... "Syed interrupted "I appreciate your concern, I really do, but... I don't plan to hide in this flat forever, you know. I've done enough hiding to last me a lifetime, and I'm not going back there. "  
He sighed.  
"Am I nervous about it? Of course I am. But... " he took in a deep breath "I've come _out_, Christian, in front of the whole square. Everybody knows. What's the point of hiding? I'm going to have to face the world sooner or later. So I'd rather do it sooner."

Christian bit his lip and smiled at him affectionately.  
"You sure?"  
"Yes, I am. I'm going to do this. I'm going to walk across the square with my head held high, and show everybody who I really am…"  
He smiled bravely "And with you beside me, Christian, and your hand in mine, I know that I will be okay..."  
Christian squeezed his hand.  
"Sy… I'm so proud of you" he whispered.

His words struck a chord with Syed. In a flash, so unexpected it left him breathless, he was catapulted back in time, to the eve of his engagement to Amira, and his father saying the exact same thing to him. It had been the first time ever his father had told him that he was proud of him. Syed felt a sharp tug at his heart at the memory. His father had been proud then of the man he thought he was. Would he ever be proud again of him, of the real Syed?  
He'd done so many things he was not proud of. He'd lied, he'd cheated, he let everybody down... himself, yes, but also his parents, his family, Amira, Christian... his community, …. Allah.  
Allah...  
He drew in a sharp breath as a sudden realization hit him.  
He let Allah down...

Christian had been watching the play of emotions on Syed's face. He saw him withdraw in himself, like he had seen him do so many times before.  
He recognized it for what it was.  
Guilt and regret.

"Sy, what's wrong?" he asked gently.  
Syed started out of his trance and looked at him as if in a daze.  
"Wrong?" he protested, "Nothing's wrong, Christian, what makes you think anything is wrong?" Protesting too much, Christian thought.  
"You just seem so ... quiet suddenly…" he answered softly, trying to keep the worry from his voice  
"I know you, Sy, I can tell something's up. Come on, spill… what's on your mind?"  
Syed sighed. He tentatively looked up. Christian's was watching him unwaveringly, patiently…  
There wasn't a thing he could hide from him, Syed knew. He found he had to look away from those piercing green eyes, and shrugged uncomfortably.  
"It's nothing… really…" He bit his lip.  
"Then it _is_ something" Christian insisted. "Isn't it…?"

Syed closed his eyes and finally blurted it out "It's just…. I…. I need a bit of time…"  
He swallowed hard, "… on my own…"  
Even with his eyes averted he could feel Christian instinctively recoiling at his words.

"On your own...?" his voice was barely a whisper. "But… Why...? What's wrong? Wha...?"  
"It's _nothing_" Syed repeated insistently.  
"Nothing? Sy, how can you say that? You say you want to be on your own … away from me... and it's for no reason… for … _nothing_?"  
Christian's patience was wearing thin. He didn't understand. Had he said something, had he done something to upset him? Frenziedly almost he went back in his mind over the events, the conversations... of the past few hours, days... Just minutes ago all had been perfectly fine... So what the hell just happened?

"Sy...?" he insisted. He put his hand under the other man's chin, and made him face him. "Look at me... Please..."  
Reluctantly Syed opened his eyes.  
"Tell me what's wrong. Am I rushing you... ? Am I trying too hard...? Tell me, love, please... what have I done…?"

"Nothing…!" Syed interrupted him fiercely. " I just… _need_ some time alone..."  
He took a deep breath and finally blurted it out.  
"I need to _pray_!" he declared hotly.

As quickly as it came, his frustration died away. Deflated, he nervously ran his hand through his hair.  
"I haven't prayed once since I got here and I … I really should… I need to..."  
His voice faded and he looked away, fiercely blinking to keep at bay tears that started to form in the corner of his eyes.

The relief washed over Christian.  
"Oh Sy…." he breathed " Why didn't you say so… ? For goodness' sake... You really had me worried there for a minute. I thought it was something dreadful... "  
His eyes softened, as he reached out and gently caressed Syed's jaw "Darling... if you need the time and space to pray, then... then you just tell me, and I'll get out of your way, okay...?"

He sighed deeply when he saw the still worried frown on Syed's face.  
"Don't say you were afraid to tell me this...?" Syed looked down "Were you? "

Syed just shrugged, feeling slightly embarrassed, but Christian insisted  
"Sy?"  
"It's just ..." he sighed "My faith... in the past... it was one of the reasons why we couldn't be together and... and I thought... I thought... I don't know..."  
He couldn't go on.  
Christian wrapped his hands around Syed's face, trying to coax him into locking eyes with him.

"Darling" he whispered. "I love you"  
Hesitantly Syed looked up  
"All of you"  
Christian nodded reassuringly.  
"I love _all_ of you, Sy. And your faith is as much part of you as... as the colour of your eyes..."  
He smiled  
"And I _love_ the colour of your eyes..."

His words made Syed smile. Despite everything, Christian always managed to make him smile.  
"Oh, come 'ere, you silly man… " Christian said affectionately and pulled him closer in his arms. They were silent for a moment. Christian felt the tension in Syed thaw a little.

"It really upsets you, doesn't it, darling?" he finally asked gently.  
Syed hid his face in the crook of Christian's neck and let out a trembling breath.  
"It does" he admitted. "I'm really angry at myself for failing so badly at something so important. The past few days I've been so busy … just... _being_ _happy_…. that… it hardly even crossed my mind… and I'm really ashamed..."  
"Not ashamed of being happy of course" he added hastily "But... you know..."  
Christian rubbed his back in comforting strokes.  
"Is it really bad then? That you haven't prayed for several days?"

"Well… " Syed sighed. "It's not good. In fact, it's pretty bad, yeah… But I guess I've done worse than not pray…. in the eyes of…some…" his voice faded.  
Christian pulled back to look at him with worried eyes "Sy…" he protested.  
But Syed put his fingers over Christian's lips. "No… Christian…It's okay… I… I don't have any doubts, don't worry. I've made my choice and I know it was the right one. This is what I want. And I believe… I know… I _know_ that Allah still loves me. My God is a loving God, and I know he loves me, no matter what. I trust in that.  
And…. I believe… what Tam said. That love is not a sin. He's right. I _know_ he's right. I am sure of it. So I have no doubts.

But… I still want to serve Allah in the best way I possibly can. And I failed at that over the past few days. I failed at it really badly. I need to put it right. I must...  
And I will…."

Christian felt unexpectedly moved by Syed's passionate words. Never before had he felt any connection to anything related to religion, but Syed's quiet conviction and his ability to reconcile his feelings with his faith filled him with awe.  
"Of course you will, my love." he said tenderly, pulling Syed a little tighter in his arms.

"So…" he murmured after a little while "Is there anything else I can do, sweetheart, apart from… disappearing for a bit? Do you need anything?"  
Syed shook his head. "No, it's fine. I just need to prepare first and then..."  
"Prepare...?  
Syed smiled at the look of surprise on Christian's face."Wash." he clarified "Before we pray, we clean our body"  
He shook his head "Don't tell me you didn't you know this? Come on, Christian, how long have we known each other... Surely... ?" But Christian's face was a blank.  
Syed explained "It's called _wudu_. We wash our hands , mouth, nose, face, arms, ears, feet..."  
Christian's eyes were wide "And you do this every time before you pray?"  
"It is preferable, yes..."  
"That's... fascinating..." Christian was silent for a while. Syed watched him with a mildly amused look on his face, waiting for the next question. He'd never known Christian to show any interest in all this before, and he was quietly delighted that he did now.  
"And... don't you need one of them….. err… rugs?" Christian finally asked hesitantly "I don't want to sound disrespectful, but I don't know what they're called" he added hastily.  
"It's a _sajjadah_, a prayer mat" Syed smiled. "Yes, we generally use a _sajjadah_ when we pray, but it's not compulsory, it's not an absolute requirement. It's allowed to pray on the floor, or any surface…. Just as long as it's clean."  
"And you have to turn towards…."  
"Towards the_ Ka'ba_ ... towards Mecca , if you understand that better... yes.. It's called the _qibla_"  
"So how are you going to work that out then? I mean... which direction that is…?"  
"I already know"  
Syed smiled at the confusion on Christian's face. "It's every Muslim's duty to know the direction of _qibla_ wherever we are. And besides… it's not as if it's the first time I pray … here…" Realizing he'd just given himself away, he stopped hesitantly and bit his lip.

"You've prayed here before… in this flat?" Christian looked at him incredulously and Syed nodded shyly.  
"How come I don't know about this?" Christian said. "When was this? Where was I?"  
"It was… after you… got hurt" Syed still shuddered almost unconsciously when he reminded himself of that time. "You will remember that I spent quite bit of time here..."

"After I got beaten up, you mean" Christian corrected him with a raspy voice. "Yeah… You did. You took care of me, didn't you … helped me through it… " he murmured, affectionately raking his fingers through Syed's hair. "That's when you prayed here…? But… where was I? I mean, I didn't even leave the flat in those days..."  
"Sometimes… while you were asleep… I'd say my prayers. In the spare room or… you know… wherever." Syed shrugged hesitantly, feeling caught out.  
"I didn't want to leave you, so doing it here was the only way..."  
"But why on earth didn't you ever tell me about it?"

"I…" Syed bit his lip "I don't know..."  
But Christian wasn't having any of it.  
"Sy?" he asked kindly, putting his hand under Syed's chin.

Finally Syed relented. He sighed.  
"We were in such a different place back then, Christian. It was such a confusing time …. I was starting to … to realize what I really felt for you. That it had started to develop into something … more.. than just friendship… And…. And I started to realize what you felt for me. And I ... wasn't ready for all that yet. It really scared me."

He took in a deep breath "And my faith…. I clung to that, I hung on to it as if it was a life jacket, the one thing that would keep me afloat, that would keep me sane and strong and determined…. To keep you … and what I felt… at bay. You knew that. Maybe only subconsciously, but you knew. And part of you resented me for it…"

"Sy…no…" Christian started to protest, but Syed stopped him, gently but decisively.

"Yes. You did, Christian. And I don't blame you. You knew, probably even before I realized it, that I used my faith as some sort of excuse, as a shield... not to be with you… So… If you'd have known that I prayed here… while all this was going on between us… it would just have made things worse. And you were so hurt already, so hurt by me, continuously pushing you away... and then … that beating… I couldn't…. I just… couldn't confuse matters even more by… rubbing your face in it… So I never told you… "  
He swallowed, and shook his head in regret.  
"I'm sorry if it was wrong to keep it from you, but…."

Christian's fingers tenderly touched Syed's cheek. "It's okay, love… I understand. You're right, we were in a completely different place at the time. And no, I probably wouldn't have taken it well. I _was_ hurt, and angry… and yeah... resentful too..."  
He shook his head. "I just didn't _see_ it back then, Sy, but now I do... "

"See… what?" Syed looked up at him warily.

"Your faith. What it means to you. Because... It has never been _just_ a shield for you, Syed, has it? It has never been _just_ an excuse, just a life jacket, as you call it... It's never, _ever_, been just that.  
Your faith … is part of you, of who you are. It has shaped you, made you into the man you are now. And it will _always_ be part of you, of the way you live your life.  
And rightfully so. I would never, ever ask you to change that ..."  
He hesitated "I never told you this before, Sy, but... " he swallowed. "You know that I don't have much affinity with anything religious …. I don't _get_ it usually... But... I do admire _you_ for sticking by what you believe in…for keeping your faith and living by it… no matter what. I think that's amazing, and it proves how strong you really are, even though you don't always believe that... do you, my love? "

Christian's words touched Syed deeply, and left him speechless. It meant so much. Unable to find the words to tell Christian that, he just snuggled closer into those arms wrapped around him, holding him and keeping him safe. Soft lips placed an even softer kiss on his forehead, telling him no words were needed.

0+0+0

They were silent for a moment. At last Christian sighed.  
"Sy... I..." He hesitated. "There's something..." He cleared his throat. "I... don't know if... If I should.. if..."  
He hesitated again."Oh what the heck... I'm just going to go and do it..."  
Syed stared at him in confusion. "Do what...?"  
"Just... stay here." Christian said, pressing a swift kiss on Syed's lips and slipping out of bed "Just stay here, don't move, I'll be right back...I... I've got something for you..."  
"Christi..." Syed protested, but he was already gone, disappearing into the other room, closing the door behind him.  
Syed shook his head in mild disbelief. Christian seemed so nervous suddenly.  
What was going on?

He waited. Five minutes turned into ten, and still no sign of Christian. Syed was getting agitated. There was no sound from the other room either. Not being able to resist any longer, he got out of bed, and put on his jeans. Just as he was pulling a t-shirt over his head, the door opened and there was Christian. All dressed and holding a large parcel packed in brown paper. He didn't enter the room though, just stood there in the doorway, with a nervous smile on his face. His fingers were hesitantly picking at the string tied around the package, while his feet kept on shifting his weight back and forth, as if he was gathering his courage.

"Christian?" Syed asked, trying to keep the concern from his voice.  
"I asked you not to move, didn't I?" Christian said it with a mild chuckle, but his voice sounded raspy and his eyes betrayed an insecurity Syed was not used to seeing in him.  
"Don't you ever do _anything_ I ask you to?"

Obediently, and almost automatically, Syed stepped back and sat back down on the bed, anxiously waiting for Christian to make a move. Neither spoke.  
At last Syed saw something shift in Christian's face. As if he'd reached some kind of decision.  
He took a long breath, stepped closer, and carefully put the parcel on Syed's lap.  
"Here," he said, "this is for you". He nervously put his hands in his pockets, and stepped back again, swallowing hard.  
Not exactly sure what reaction was expected from him, Syed stared up at the man before him.  
"Thank you" he murmured, then shifted his gaze to the packet on his knees. Almost automatically, his hands went to the string and he hesitantly started tugging at it.

But Christian stopped him.  
"No...!" he called out urgently "wait...!" Syed looked back at him in confusion "just... wait...I... I have to explain first..." He cleared his throat.

"I got this for you... while I was in Barcelona... at Christmas..."  
He swallowed, seeing Syed's face cloud over at the memory. It had been an awful Christmas. He would never forget the sadness and devastation on Syed's face when he got in that taxi. He'd never forget the complete sense of loneliness he'd felt on the ride to the airport, on the flight and during every minute of his stay in what used to be his favourite city. Every minute of every day, while aimlessly roaming the bustling streets of Christmas-drunk Barcelona, only Syed had been on his mind, and the crushing knowledge that his dream of the two of them being there together would never come true. The whole week had passed him by in a blur, until during one of his despair-hazed walks he'd seen something that inexplicably and irrationally had put a glimmer of hope back into his shattered heart.

"I saw it... and I thought of you" he admitted, then chuckled bitterly with self-depreciation. "But then again... of course... _everything_ made me think of you..." He shook his head as if to chase away the painful memories.  
"I saw this... " he repeated "and I just knew I had to buy it... for you"  
Unable to stand still any longer, Christian started pacing. With difficultly, he gathered his thoughts and the nerve to go on.

"I hoped that it would prove to you... _show_ you... that I understood you. That I _got_ it. At last. That I finally knew who you were and that I loved you.  
In _spite_ of it.  
_Because_ of it.  
That I love _all_ of you. Every... single... part of you. _Every_... part..."

Christian bit his lip nervously, and risked a tentative look in Syed's direction to see his reaction. Syed didn't know what to say. His eyes were glued to the man in front of him, his heart beating hard and fast. Part of him just wanted to reach out and throw his arms around Christian, but another part knew that this was a defining moment for them, and that he just needed to listen.

"I had no idea back then, and I still have no idea now, Sy, if it's even remotely appropriate to give you this. If I got it right... If it's the right thing... to give to you, or if you can even accept it...  
But I just... had to... I … " he stopped himself.  
"I'm sorry, love, I know I'm rambling..." In an exasperated, helpless gesture, Christian ran a hand through his hair.

"So I bought it... " he finally admitted, shyly pointing to the parcel in Syed's lap, "and I couldn't wait to come home to give it to you... I was going to give it to you... no matter what..."  
Again he sighed.

"But then... _'no matter what'_ happened and... and I couldn't… " His voice drifted off.  
He couldn't help but notice the frown of regret finding its way back to Syed's face. He knew how upset Syed got about any reference to his wedding, how sensitive and sore it still was for him, to be reminded of the decision he made that day, the decision that had nearly destroyed him, them... everyone he had ever cared about. Christian silently cursed himself for bringing it up and wished he could wipe away, iron out forever, the remorseful frown from that beautiful face. But he knew he couldn't. And he knew he had to say what he needed to say, so he bravely ploughed on.

"I just couldn't give it to you after that. Giving you a present to prove my love for you, on the day I lost you...? It was just impossible... It would have broken my heart even further, and it would have broken yours…" His voice cracked "But … you getting married... in itself... wasn't the only reason I couldn't give you this... it was also because... because it _changed_ what it meant.  
If I'd given it to you anyway, you would have perceived it differently to how it was meant...  
And I couldn't bear the thought of that... of you thinking that... that I used this as ... as some sort of … _rebuke_... while it wasn't meant like that at all... Quite the opposite really.  
So I didn't know what to do... Throw it away? Get rid of it? But I couldn't do that either. Of course I couldn't. It was yours..."

He finally stood still in front of Syed, who was still gazing at him with bated breath.

"It was yours" he choked "and I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. But I couldn't bring myself to keep it either. So I hid it on top of the wardrobe and tried my hardest to forget it was even there.  
When I packed to leave, I wondered what to do with it... In the end, I let fate decide, and left it where it was. Maybe Jane would find it while clearing the flat, and put it with my things. Or maybe she would open it, and realize it was meant for you. Or maybe the next tenant would discover it and chuck it ..."

He finally looked up and locked eyes with Syed. "But as it turns out... fate decided that this moment would come. The moment when at last, I can give it to you. The way I had intended to.  
The way it was meant to be..."  
He let out a trembling sigh, and bowed his head. "And now I'm terrified to do this..."

Syed put the parcel on the bed and tentatively got up. He reached out his hand and found it trembling. Christian's words had touched him deeper than he had thought possible. He was still amazed at how, after everything they'd been through together, all the heartache and the pain, and the love and the emotion, Christian could still make his heart flutter and sing the way he had on the first day he'd laid eyes on him.

He gently wrapped his hands around Christian's face and kissed him tenderly.  
"Thank you" he said. "Thank you for a beautiful gift"  
"But you don't even know what it is yet" Christian choked, still not looking at him "It's probably completely wrong... I ..."  
"Shhhhhh" Syed interrupted him, putting a finger on his lips.  
"Christian, whatever it is... . After what you just told me... it _can't_ be wrong... trust me..."

He lovingly took Christian's hand in his, and led him back to the bed, where they sat down together, so closely that their legs touched. Syed could feel Christian tremble.  
He reached back and took the parcel, carefully placing it on his knees.  
Christian let out a quivering breath.  
"Can I open it now?" Syed asked.  
Christian nodded silently.  
Syed glanced up at him and touched his face "I love you" he whispered, before gingerly starting to tear away the paper.

What he found took his breath away.

It was simply stunning.  
In his hands was a beautiful, traditional, handmade _sajjadah_. Each detail of it carefully and lovingly crafted, its colours vibrant, the Mihrab design at the top and the tree-of-life pattern below, distinctive, intricate, yet at the same time breathtaking in its simplicity, its delicate hand-knotted fringe providing the perfect finish.  
Not the mass-produced version destined for the tourist trade. It was the genuine thing. Crafted by loving, skilful, experienced hands who knew what it represented.

For Syed it epitomized love.

He found that he could not speak. He just stared at his trembling hands, holding the most precious gift anyone had ever given him. Only when he felt the drops fall on his fingers, saw their wetness darkening the fabric in his hands, did he realize that he was crying.

"I got it all wrong, didn't I?" Christian said anxiously, misreading Syed's silence. "I knew I got it wrong... I mean, what do I know? Who am I to have the audacity to even think that I could give you this. That you could accept it. Surely, a prayer mat given to you by your... your _gay_... lover is just the … summit... of... of wrongness... How stupid, how utterly stupid can I get... I'm sorry, Sy... I'm really..."

"Don't..." Syed interrupted him, having finally found his voice back.  
"But..."  
"Just… _don't_" Syed repeated. He carefully, almost reverently put the _sajjadah_ down on the bed.  
He looked up at Christian, and while tears streaked his face, his eyes were radiating pure joy. Without any further hesitation he reached out and pulled the other man tightly in his arms.  
"Thank you, my love" he murmured in the crook of Christian's neck. "thank you so, so much"

"But..."  
Syed pulled back slightly and looked Christian in the eye sincerely.  
"Christian... " he murmured "You have no idea what this means to me. I can't even …begin... to explain..."  
His voice almost faltered "It's the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given me. Because of what it is, yes... But also because of what it _means_... "  
He cleared his throat. "You say you know nothing of my religion. You say you don't understand it. And I know how hurt and desperate you were at the time...  
And yet, despite all that... you _knew_ in your heart, instinctively, that this gift would tell me all I needed to know about your love for me.  
And it does. It tells me all I need to know"

Christian looked into Syed's eyes, shining with love and happiness, and let out a hesitant sigh of relief, but he still wasn't completely sure...  
"But... Surely, Sy... it must be considered... wrong ...that someone like me... a non-believer.. an atheist even... not to mention... you know... should give..."

Syed interrupted him again "Oh Christian..." he sighed, leaning in to kiss him gently on the forehead.  
"It was given with a pure, loving heart. How can it possibly be wrong?"

He smiled at him tenderly. Christian hesitated, then reached out and put his trembling hand over Syed's. Syed turned his hand and wrapped his fingers around Christian's.  
"This prayer mat is a wonderful, wonderful gift, Christian" Syed said, his voice thick with emotion.  
"And … the fact that _you_ are the one giving it to me, and the love that comes with it, that's what makes it even more precious... That in itself is more precious than anything materialistic anyone could ever give me. That is what I'll treasure the most, and what I'll never, _ever_ forget. Thank you so much, my love, thank you..."

Christian swallowed hard, holding Syed's steady gaze. He could see nothing but determination and love for him in the other man's eyes. No fear, no regrets.

Reaching out , he traced the lines of Syed's beautiful face with his thumb, and curled his fingers against his cheek, caressing his skin ever so softly. He leaned his head forward, as did Syed, letting their foreheads touch. They both closed their eyes.  
"I love you" Christian murmured. Their faces drew near, and they shared a soft, lingering kiss.  
"I love you too," Syed mumbled into the firm chest he snuggled against. "More than ever"  
They sat in silence for a long time, holding hands, holding each other.

At last, Christian sighed and pressed a gentle kiss on top of Syed's head.

"Let me leave you to it then, my love" he whispered.  
"Take all the time you need. In the meantime, I'll just get us some supplies, and drop in at Jane's for a chat. Text me when you're ready, and then we can have breakfast together... Okay?"

"Okay." Syed smiled. "And after breakfast..."  
"... we'll go pick up my suitcases... _together_" Christian finished the sentence for him with a knowing smile.  
"It's a date!" he winked.

He affectionately ruffled Syed's hair, and pressed a swift kiss on his nose, then got up and grabbed his jacket.  
At the door, he turned around and blew Syed a kiss. "Love ya" he mouthed.

Syed watched him go.  
After the door closed behind Christian, the room was suddenly very quiet and still. Syed's eyes sought the _sajjadah_ lying on the bed beside him, and his hands lovingly travelled over its soft surface. It sent a lump to his throat and fresh tears to his eyes.

"_Loving is not a sin_" he murmured quietly.

There was complete, unswerving conviction in his voice.  
And in his heart.

He went into the bathroom to get ready.


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N : This one's a bit different. This scenario had played on my mind for a long time, and I just had to write it. It just took me longer than I had thought it would.  
I hope you enjoy...  
_

**CHAPTER TWENTY SIX**

"Umph," Syed groaned, as with a final effort he hoisted the heavy suitcase over the last step of the staircase. "Bloody hell, Christian, what have you got in there?" he asked breathlessly.  
"Just stuff." Christian held the front door open for him, having already dumped the two cases and the bag he'd carried in the middle of the room.  
"Just stuff..." Syed muttered under his breath and he hauled his heavy load into the room. "If I didn't know you any better, I'd think you packed every volume of the Encyclopædia Britannica in here!"  
"It's just a few changes of clothes, Sy... Oh, and some shoes. Perhaps one or two bottles of moisturiser. Nothing you can't handle, my dear boy." He squeezed Syed's biceps playfully.  
"You could do with some exercise anyway"

"Oi!" Syed nudged him, and eyed him indignantly.  
"Oh..." Christian grinned "Speaking of exercise... I just remember. I also packed my favourite dumbbells ..."  
"What!" Syed's head shot up in horror, and Christian laughed. "Just kidding, Sy...They're not in there...!"  
With a straight face, he pointed to one of the other suitcases "they're in that one..."

"You _are_ joking, right?" Syed asked.  
But Christian just shrugged.  
"What can I say… a guy's got to be prepared."  
"Prepared for what? World War Three? The Strongest Man of the Universe Competition?" Syed shook his head, exasperated. "You are a real piece of work, aren't you?"  
"Awww... I know..." Christian mumbled in pretend embarrassment. "But you love me, really... don't you?"  
Sighing, Syed shook his head, meeting Christian's sparkling eyes. "You should count yourself lucky that I do bloody well love you, Christian Clarke... or else..."

"Oh, but I do..." Christian grinned "I do count myself very lucky" He leaned in for a kiss, but Syed turned his head, and Christian's lips landed on his cheek.  
"I appreciate the sentiment, Christian" Syed mumbled "I really do... but right now, I just... need to … lie … down ... I'm knackered..."

Pushing weakly past an amused Christian, he hobbled over to the sofa and collapsed on it face forward. He buried his head in the cushions and groaned loudly. "I can't feel my arms... or my legs..." He sighed "Christian, can you check if they're still there? I can't... move..."

Christian cocked his head and smiled fondly at the slumped figure on the couch.  
"Now who's the drama queen here?" he chuckled.

He leaned in over Syed, his hands on either side of him, and gently nudged his nose in the back of his neck.  
"Christian... don't...!" Syed groaned "Please... not now... I really..."

"I'm very proud of you, Sy" Christian whispered quietly in his ear.  
"Proud of what?" Syed mumbled defensively "Of nearly breaking my back over those suitcases...?"  
"You know why ... And suitcases have nothing to do with it..."  
Suddenly serious, Christian touched Syed's face to make him look at him. "You were so brave today, Sy, and I'm so proud," he whispered again, his voice full of emotion.

The pains and aches magically forgotten, Syed turned and looked up at him.  
"It was easy" he smiled a little "I was with you...!"  
He reached out, and pulled Christian's head close, placing a soft kiss on his lips.

And it had been easy.  
Syed had felt truly invigorated after he'd prayed. It had been so good to re-connect with that part of him, and the fact that Christian had been so understanding, and so supportive, had made it even better.  
Later, Christian had come home with a ridiculous amount of supplies - "_I want to spoil my man_" he'd huffed innocently at Syed rolling his eyes. Over breakfast – which in fact was more like a brunch, considering it was past eleven - they'd laughed and joked, and Christian had entertained him with tales of rebellious and whimsical Lucy driving Ian crazy over at the Beale's house.

And then, as planned, the moment had come. They were going out to get Christian's suitcases. Syed had been determined to be brave and do this, but when he'd walked down the stairs behind Christian, he'd suddenly felt his knees weaken and his heart beat quicken at the thought of having to face the outside world, and his feet instinctively had started to drag.

Christian had felt his hesitation as they stood outside the front door, Syed struggling to regain his composure. He'd reached out for Syed's hand. "You don't have to do this, sweetheart, if you don't want to".  
But Syed had taken a deep breath and put his hand in Christian's. It felt warm and safe.  
"I want to." he had answered, more bravely than he felt. "Just... don't let go!"  
"I won't. Not ever" Christian had smiled, and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

Stepping off the pavement Syed had braced himself... as if he was already feeling people's eyes on him. People's curious, knowing stares. He could almost hear the whispers, see the fingers pointing at him... But as they walked together, hand in hand, there was none of that. And if there was, he didn't notice. The only thing he was aware of, was the sun on his face, and Christian's hand around his, feeling almost as if it was part of his own.

Christian hadn't hurried Syed at all. Instead of making Syed keep up with him, he'd been careful to take smaller steps, and move at his slower pace, giving him ample opportunity to change his mind if he wanted to. As they made their way to the Vic, a sudden memory had flashed through Syed's brain.  
_Him and Christian together, hand in hand... the sun on their faces... and that …. that feeling ..._

"We're here" Christian had softly said, interrupting his train of thought. Syed shook his head and floated back to reality. They'd reached the Vic and walked inside. Again, Syed had felt butterflies of worried anticipation flutter in his stomach, but contrary to expectation, no conversations had died down, no heads had turned, nobody even had seemed to take notice... Both realized that a drink at the bar would have been too much to expect from Syed's jangled nerves, so a friendly, but surprisingly jittery and yet strangely subdued Roxy had led them straight to the back where she's stowed the cases underneath the staircase.

And now - after a serious battle with the cases - they were back. Home.

"It was easy" Syed repeated. "It felt so … normal"  
"That's because it is..." Christian smiled.  
"It just felt... right" Syed said.  
"That's because it is..."  
Syed tried again in vain to grasp the memory that had floated through his brain as they had walked together.  
"Somehow... It... took me back... " he mumbled hesitantly.

He needn't say more.

"I remember" Christian smiled. "Hang on..." .  
He got up and reached into the side pocket of the nearest suitcase. Syed shifted on the sofa curiously, straining to see what Christian was doing.

"What's this?" he asked when Christian settled down next to him again, and handed him a small leather folder.  
"Open it" Christian said "have a look..."  
Syed slowly opened the cover and found himself staring at his own face, and Christian's... the two of them together, multiplied at least two dozen times.

A lifetime ago.

The memories came flooding back.

_0+0+0+0_

_He's sitting in front of me in the tube and I watch him. He's closed his eyes and seems oblivious to his surroundings. His body is easily rocking along with the movements of the train, and I can't keep my eyes off him. Even if I do pretend I'm not looking at all. _

_He's talked me into this. It didn't take a lot of convincing, I have to admit. These days he can talk me into most everything. Easily. _

_I blush inconspicuously when I think of the things he's managed to talk me into. He usually doesn't even need words. Things I'd never thought I'd do. Not even in my wildest dreams. But when I'm with him I seem to lose every inhibition I ever had. _

_And so I'm sitting on this train with him. Not next to him though. Careful as always, we did the whole "oh, what a surprise, it seems you're taking the same tube as I am" routine at Walford station, even though nobody we knew was around. I deliberately picked a seat in between two others that were already occupied – not giving him the chance to sit next to me. I chose to ignore the disappointment that flashed in his eyes when he realized that. The thing is, I know him. Only too well. He'd be sitting next to me, and before I'd know it, he'd be brushing my knee or grazing my arm in a seemingly innocent way. In that same way that would send shivers up my spine, a blush on my face, and a not so innocent... stirring… elsewhere… _

_I can't take that chance. The odds of someone we know seeing us getting cosy are too great to my liking. He knows my fears, even if he's getting impatient with them. So with a slight nod, he gave in to my silent plea for discretion, and settled down in the seat in front of me at the other side of the aisle. He tried to catch my eye. I tried to avoid it. Afraid as I am of giving too much away. Giving away how excited I am about this bold, reckless escape from reality. _

_The thought of spending a day out with Christian makes me feel giddy like a star-struck teenager. I'm not a teenager anymore… I know that... Star-struck on the other hand… I push the thought away. I don't want to think too much about what all this means.  
About what it means to feel like this when I'm with him. _

_As the train takes us further away from Walford, it fills up with commuters and tourists alike. The vaguely familiar faces from the East End turn into colourful strangers with large suitcases who speak foreign languages, and people dressed in formal grey, who read The Times with a bored look on their faces.  
And then, suddenly, I can't see him anymore. Still, I know he's there, I feel his presence, somewhere beyond the loud, big-bellied American and his flock of gum-chewing, ill-mannered children, who block the aisle. I fight my natural reaction to strain my neck to find him. _

_Christian. _

_I keep surprising myself at the relative ease with which I come up with excuses to be with him. The lies I tell my family and my girlfriend sometimes even sound incredible to my own ears, but no one has raised even an eyebrow yet. They trust me. Trouble is, I don't trust myself. Not when I'm with him. _

_The lie I thought up this time however nearly blew up in my face. I mentioned an old mate from Leeds coming to London for a day to see the sights. Before I knew it mum wanted my imaginary friend to come to dinner and Amira was already planning a guided tour of Walford… It took some effort to talk them out of it, but the assertion that "Nick" was quite the wild one, probably just looking for a boys' day out, finally convinced them to abandon their plans. But not before mum questioned my choice of friends of course. The idea of her sweet innocent Syed on a boys' day out with a "wild guy", could hardly meet her approval._

_If only she knew how close to the truth that lie was.  
__And how far from the truth too. Because her sweet Syed is not innocent.  
I'm anything but... _

"_Hurry up, day dreamer, we're here!"  
A strong hand suddenly grabs my wrist. I realize the train has stopped, and Christian is nearly dragging me off the tube. As we land on the platform, the doors sliding closed behind us only a fraction of a second later, he throws his arms around me in an enthusiastic hug. _

"_Phew, that was close… Where's that silly head of yours… ?" He ruffles my hair "Enjoying the sights, were ya?" he booms in a fit of laughter. From the corner of my eye, I see a few heads turning our way, and my natural embarrassment takes over again. I squirm away from him, and hope that the frown of impatience that flashes across his face at that is just a figment of my imagination. But in my heart I know it isn't. I've hurt him. Again. _

"_Sorry" I mumble, as I tuck my hands in the pockets of my jeans, to stop them from instinctively reaching out to him. I'm not sure what I apologize for. He knows that any public display of affection is a no-no for me. I just can't do it. I've told him a thousand times before. Those are the rules. Why does he keep trying to break them?  
__And yet I feel like I have to apologize. For having those rules. For trampling all over his feelings again. He is gracious and patient about my self-imposed rules most of the time, even though I know it goes against his very nature, against that deeply engrained pride and resolution of his never to hide how he feels. Never to be embarrassed about it. _

_And right at this very moment, he does it again. As always, he swallows away the hurt, pretends it doesn't matter, and flashes me a beaming smile.  
_"_Right… Let's get out of here and hit the shops…" he says, and making sure he doesn't touch me again, he ushers me to the escalator._

_The sunlight hits our eyes, the minute we step out on the pavement of Oxford Street. The weather's good for early October. We picked a good day. A day of shopping in the busiest street of the capital isn't my idea of a romantic day out, but in a way that's what makes it exactly right. It fits right into the bubble of self-denial I'm hiding in. Because even as I think it, I vehemently erase the notion of a "romantic day out" from my conscience; I don't even know where that's coming from.  
I'm out shopping with a mate. Just two good friends out for the day. That's what I tell myself. Romance has nothing to do with this.  
__A little voice inside my head naggingly tells me I'm just kidding myself, but I ignore it. I refuse to let today be ruined by analysing my … what is it?… friendship, connection, relationship… with Christian. I do enough of that already, every night, when I lie sleepless in my bed, tossing and turning and wondering what the hell I'm doing. _

_I just want to have a good time today.  
__And be with him._

_The streets are bustling with shoppers and tourists – it's loud, it's colourful, it's almost frightfully busy. We have no particular goal in sight. I don't even plan to buy anything. Window shopping, people watching, enjoying the sights… and most of all just being away from it all. As we throw ourselves in the mayhem, I watch the man beside me, and feel my heart skipping a beat, when I see the delight on his face.  
I realize he's just happy to be here.  
And me... I'm just happy to be with him._

_We're walking side by side. Close together, making sure we don't loose each other in the crowds, but as always, careful not to touch. I feel him watching me, and I look up into his smiling eyes. Mesmerized, I'm not paying attention and clumsily stumble into a dustbin. A strong arm finds its way around my waist to keep me upright,  
"Oi... Careful" he laughs "Watch where you're going!" he's holding on to my arm. _

"_Thanks" I mumble, as I blush with embarrassment. Or is it his touch that makes me go all jittery? I'm suddenly aware that his hand doesn't leave my arm. Instead it glides down to reach for my hand. Gently but decisively I pull away.  
This time he doesn't give in so easily._

"_Sy...!" he sounds exasperated "Nobody's here. Nobody knows us here."  
_"_No." I insist.  
_"_Why won't you let me hold your hand, Sy?" he scoffs , and then as always, swallowing away his anger, he tries to make a joke of it. "So that at least I can make sure you don't fall over...?"  
_"_Don't..." I resist, even though my heart screams at me to give in. "If someone sees us..."_

_His smile fades, he's losing his patience, but as always he tries to keep calm.  
_"_Sy.." he says. His voice sounds like that of a tired parent trying to explain something to a wayward child "There's … what?... 7.5 million people in London... And just for the fun of it... let's add... say... half a million tourists. That's 8 million. How many of them do you actually know? 20? 50? Let's be bold and say that you know 100.. that gives us a one in … errm... 80,000... chance that we'll bump into someone you know. One in eighty thousand, Sy! We've got more chance of a bloody asteroid hitting the earth and destroying us all...!" He struggles to keep his cool. _

"_I can't" I say stubbornly. "Please, Christian... don't... Just let's enjoy today...I'm here, you're here... we're here together. Why can't that be enough...?"_

_He looks at me, and knows it's a losing battle. I can feel the disappointment oozing out of him, and it eats away at me. I hate hurting him like this. But what can I do?  
He stares at me for a long moment, barely blinking, and I can see him fight for patience. The silence between us lasts and it frightens me. The last thing I want today is a bad feeling between us. Finally he closes his eyes, reaching a decision. He tucks his hands in the pockets of his jeans, as if he forces them to keep away from what's off-limits. I recognize the gesture. I do it too – all the time.  
"Alright..." he sighs. "It's enough... for now..."_

_He takes a deep breath. "Come on... let's get shopping" he says, and even though the smile on his face seems somewhat forced, he's clearly as determined as I am to let nothing ruin this day.  
He cocks his head and urges me along. And I gladly comply. _

_0+0+0+0_

_I don't think I've laughed so much in all my life. Christian's managed to coax me into this exclusive vintage clothes shop, making me try on the most ridiculous outfits I've ever seen. Every time I tentatively appear out of the changing rooms, he exclaims how "fabulous" I look...I choose to ignore the little voice again, telling me that this is about as 'gay' as I can possibly get. I'm embarrassed as hell, but the sparkle in his eyes makes me indulge this madness. He charms the pants off that severe looking shop assistant, the same way he charms everyone.  
"Are you mad?" I whisper to him in horror when I see the stack of clothes he's made her put aside as definite buys. Including an orange jeans and a purple and green flowery shirt... But he just winks at me, with a naughty glint in his eyes. Then he turns to the woman, who's already behind the cash register to add up our bill.  
"Sorry" he mouths, wide-eyed and innocent. "I'm afraid there's been a change of plan..." The look of amused patience on her face turns into horror, when she realizes that after taking up nearly an hour of her time, we are not going to tuck into our wallets. Christian points at me "He's very, very picky", he says seriously, "and very mean..."  
Giggling like naughty children, we're making a run for it, leaving the horrified woman behind. _

_A few hundred feet further down the street, we're catching our breaths. Christian is leaning against the wall, his hands on his knees, doubled over as he laughingly recovers from our escape. Shoppers and tourists are bustling around us, the noise and the traffic are nearly deafening, but I can only see him.  
He looks up at me, still laughing, and his eyes are shining with delight and mischief.  
And in that instant, something inside me shifts.  
I know with absolute certainty that I have never, ever, in my entire life been happier than I am right now, right here, at this very minute. The feeling almost makes my heart stop, I feel a joy bubbling inside me that I have never felt before.  
He's unaware of this change in me. He just smiles and straightens, ready for the next part of our adventure. "Come on. Let's go" he says. _

_And then, without giving myself the time to change my mind, the time to think about what I'm doing, to second-guess it, to contemplate the repercussions, I reach out and take his hand in mine.  
__As I feel our fingers entwine instinctively, it's like an electric shock bursting through me. _

_I know he feels it too. Slowly, as if he's afraid he may be dreaming it, he looks up, from our joint hands to my face, and his eyes lock with mine. I see a multitude of emotions in them. Surprise and delight fight for prominence, and for once he is speechless.  
I smile, suddenly fearless, feeling my own face light up.  
"Yeah, let's go" I say... and squeezing his hand tightly in mine, I gently pull him along._

_We walk along in comfortable silence, his hand securely folded in mine, and I have no fear, no shame, no embarrassment. All I can feel is relief. Relief and … just... utter joy._

_It takes a while before he finally speaks. "So you decided that one in eighty thousand weren't such bad odds after all...did you?" he says. I know he makes it into a joke to hide how much it touches him. But his voice betrays his emotion.  
__I tenderly rub my thumb over the back of his hand "I don't care about the odds" I say. My voice sounds husky – even I can hear it "I just want to hold your hand..."  
_"_I'm glad" he says – and it's all I need to know._

_0+0+0+0_

"_No..!" I insist. But he's adamant.  
_"_I just want some pictures with you, Sy. There's nothing strange about that, is there?" He tugs at my sleeve.  
_"_But I hate having my photo taken" I splutter in protest "and these booth things are creepy. Who knows who's even been in there?" I shudder "Besides, no one has ever looked good on a photo taken in a booth" _

_He pouts, like a kid being denied a candy bar "But you always look good, Sy..." He looks at me with those pleading eyes he knows I can't resist. "Please!"  
And so I let him pull me into the booth. I nervously sit down on the bench while Christian shuts the curtain and slips some change into the slot. He fumbles a bit with the electronic pen, pressing it against the touch screen. "Three times four photos..." he mumbles "Perfect"._

"_Say cheese," he laughs, as he squeezes in close in the tiny space next to me. The buzzer goes, the camera light starts to flash, and as expected, Christian begins to frolic, making goofy faces, while I freeze up and just stare at the camera like a deer staring into oncoming headlights. After the last flash of the first series of four, Christian nudges me. "Just relax now, will ya!"_

_The photo booth is tiny. I feel too squished against his large frame, too hot, too flustered, and I wriggle, trying to get more comfortable. It's all the encouragement he needs.  
"Come 'ere" His arms link around my waist, he pulls me close, and rests his head on my shoulder. He nuzzles my neck, and I giggle involuntarily. "Hm... I like your smell." he whispers, making me blush. _

"_Go on... Strike a pose, Sy." he chuckles, and presses a noisy, fat kiss on my cheek, just when the flash of the photo booth goes off once more. I squirm, but my protests are weak, and if I'm honest, they're just a front now. He turns back towards the camera, locks his arm around me in a bear hug and pulls me close. I give in and smile tentatively, hugging his arm, holding on to his hand. Christian chuckles and squeezes my hand a little tighter. I twist my head to look at him; a wide grin is plastered across his face, his green eyes are dancing. I can't keep my eyes off him, and only blink when the flash goes off again. With every new photo taken, with every squeeze of his hand, with every giggle and every naughty whisper in my ear, I can feel my inhibitions ebb away a little more. As they always do when he's so close to me._

_Christian is unstoppable – after the first dozen photos, he insists on doing another series. And me... I just go with the flow. He teases me, I tease him back, we flirt, we touch, we laugh... Suddenly, without warning, Christian grabs me by the ears and kisses me. His mouth is hot and hungry and I don't resist. I can't resist. I let myself melt into him. I vaguely realize that only a small blue curtain is protecting us from prying eyes. There are noises outside, people passing by, life on one of London's busiest streets just goes on … and I … don't care.  
I feel free. For the first time in a very long time, I feel free.  
_

_The camera continues to flash, and we have our arms around each other, huddling close, and we laugh... happily, uncontrollably. It's the kind of laugh I haven't laughed since I was a child.  
__When we finally slip from the booth, both of us are a little flushed. Christian tucks the photographs in his pocket, and takes my hand to lead me safely through the crowd. _

_0+0+0+0_

_"Come on" Christian says, "let's find a bit of peace and quiet." As if he knows exactly where we are heading, he leads me through a maze of side streets until we finally arrive on a quiet little square. It's strange. It's just a stone's throw away from Oxford Street, and yet it's like a different world. This place actually reminds me of home. In a little chip shop nearby we buy our food. And now we're on a bench in the middle of a small public garden, hidden by trees and hedges, giving us some welcome privacy, enjoying a companionable meal, full of laughter, bantering and flirtation.  
The sun's still out, all is quiet. No one's around.  
It's just us.  
Our own little bubble. _

"_Surprise!" I'm still wiping the grease off my fingers, when Christian produces a large bar of chocolate. Another thing he knows I can't resist. He snaps off half for me. I take a bite and relax as I savour that creamy taste melting on my tongue. I hear a low chuckle and open my eyes – I hadn't even realized I had closed them - to see Christian smiling at me with an amused look on his face. A crazy idea surfaces as I look at him and I pop another piece into my mouth. Moving closer, I lean in and gently kiss him, sharing the chocolate with him. Christian is momentarily taken aback by my bold move, but he catches on quick, and we share the piece until it's melted away completely _

_"Hmmm... I like that..." Christian mumbles approvingly.  
"Would you care for some more?" I whisper in his ear.  
__"Always," he laughs and pulls me close._

_0+0+0+0_

"_Which one's your favourite?"_

_Christian has taken out the photos.  
"Don't know" I shrug, barely looking at them. I hate looking at myself on photographs, always have done. But of course, Christian won't let it go.  
_"_You're not even looking" he grumbles.  
__I sigh."Okay then" and take the photo strips from his hand._

_And it hits me.  
Unexpectedly, violently, like a blow to the stomach.  
It hits me.  
Strip after strip, photograph after photograph I see us... I see me, in a way I've never seen myself before.  
Joyous, unrestrained, free... alive... !  
And as I look at it, my throat constricting with the emotions that rush through me... I know that the expression on my face in every single one of those images – that face that I know is mine and yet barely recognize - is showing only a smidgen of the happiness I felt.  
And I can't stand it..._

"_Well...?" Christian insists.  
He's not aware of the turmoil I'm in. I swallow away the lump in my throat, desperately trying to keep the tears away that suddenly appear in the corners of my eyes.  
_"_This one" I croak._

_It's taken just after he kissed me. We're still close together. Our lips have parted, but our foreheads are still touching and our eyes are locked in hazy passion. We're so completely wrapped up in each other... the feeling just oozes out of the picture. The feeling that I can't name. Won't name. Mustn't name... _

"_Why?" he asks. His question startles me. Even though I'm sure it's rhetorical, I realize I should say something. But how can I, when I can hardly breathe? When I know that if I'll speak the tears will start flowing, and the last thing I want is cry in front of him. _

"_I... I don't know..." I manage to whisper. I know my distress must be obvious. But Christian is so focussed on the photos himself, he still, somehow, doesn't notice.  
_"_This is my favourite" he says, pointing at the strip in his hand.  
__I tentatively risk a look. I'm expecting it's going to be the one where we kiss, but it isn't. _

_Christian's holding me in a bear hug, his face is partially hidden as he kisses my neck, and me...  
My head is tossed back in unambiguous carefree abandon, an ebullient expression of joy and unbridled delight spread across my face...  
It's so beautiful it hurts. _

_I know he's expecting me to react "But why... you can't even see your face..." I manage.  
_"_I don't have to" he smiles fondly "Just the look in your eyes is enough for me...Look at it, Sy, just look at you..."_

_And suddenly I can't take it anymore.  
_"_I can't!"  
__I jump up from the bench, taking him by surprise. I move away - only a few steps and then I waver... I struggle to regain my composure.  
_"_Sy?" Christian asks, worriedly.  
__I just shake my head "I can't" I rasp "I just can't..."_

_And then I can't hold it back anymore. My chest heaves as the emotion I contained in my heart for far too long struggles to get out. In a desperate, last second attempt, I draw a shuddering breath, still trying to fight it, but it's too late. A strangled sob escapes my lips, and the tears I've been holding back finally spill over. _

_In two steps he's with me. I don't fight him when he folds his arms around me, and wordlessly pulls me close to his chest.  
And I cry.  
I cry like I've never cried before. I can't speak, apart from the only words that continue to rush through my brain.  
"I can't" I whimper, burying my face against his shoulder. "I can't..."_

_It's the first time I cry in front of him. Up till now, I've managed to hide my growing despair behind a mask of righteous indignation, lashing out at him whenever things get too much, pushing him away with angry accusations, piling all that irrational blame on him... while in my heart... I … just... feel..._

_But never before have I cried in front of him. Because it would give too much away.  
__And I'm terrified of giving too much away.  
To him... and to myself. _

_When the sobs subside a little, he leads me back to the bench, and we sit down, his arms wrapped around me, my head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry" I sniffle.  
_"_It's okay" he tells me gently.  
__It's enough to make me sob again "But it's not" I cry out in despair "it's not!"  
__I struggle to pull myself free from his hug, but he won't let me go.  
_"_Shhhh... shhh" he whispers quietly, holding me close. _

"_I can't...," I cry "I'm sorry, Christian, I just... I can't..." He doesn't ask me what it is I can't do.  
And yet – irrationally – I feel compelled to explain  
"I can't... say it...," ' I swallow, "I feel so... so... I just can't..."_

"_You don't have to" he comforts me "You don't have to say anything..." I still can't make myself look at him._

"_Do you think I don't know, Sy...?" he continues gently. His fingers massage the back of my neck and lock me tightly in his embrace. "Do you really think I don't know...?"  
_"_But..." I don't know what to say.  
_"_It's alright, Sy... it really is alright" he says, unperturbed.  
__I close my eyes in defeat and let him comfort me._

_I don't know how long we sit there.  
__At last he pulls back a little and picks up the photos again. Carefully, almost reverently, he folds the strip, tears off the photo I pointed out as my favourite, and hands it to me._

_I look at it, but I don't take it. My voice is near breaking point, when I utter the words that I know will wound him yet again.  
_"_I can't, Christian... I'm sorry... If someone saw...I can't... "_

_He doesn't even blink. I stab his heart again, and again he takes it with a smile.  
_"_It's okay" he says. I look on as he takes the one he's chosen himself, and mine, and carefully puts them into his wallet.  
"I'll look after it for you" he reassures me "until you can..."_

_The kindness in his voice nearly tears me apart. But somehow, it also gives me hope. I look up at him tentatively.  
"Do you think... do you really think...?" I'm afraid to say it. To even risk the thought of it. _

"_I don't think... I know" he says. His voice is full of conviction.  
"One day, Sy, I'll give it back to you... when you can..."_

0+0+0+0+0

Syed leaned his head against Christian's shoulder, just like he had on that day. Except today there was no need for tears.  
His fingers affectionately brushed over the photos he was holding.  
"Had you really forgotten?" Christian asked.  
"Of course I hadn't" Syed said. "How could I forget one of the happiest days of my life...?" He swallowed hard. "And that's what scared me so much, Christian. That I could feel so happy about something I had convinced myself to be wrong...?"  
He shook his head. "I tucked it away in the furthest corner of my brain. Because it hurt so much to think about it. That day... was the first time I truly realized that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I finally had to admit my true feelings to myself. And it terrified me. Looking at those photos... I knew the truth, it was written all over my face, and I couldn't deny it any more..."  
"And you knew it too, didn't you, Christian? You knew... " Syed smiled a little "How could you not? You only had to look at that photo..."

Christian didn't answer. Instead, he shifted in his seat, and reached for his wallet.  
Carefully, from a hidden pocket at the back, he took out two little squares.  
Syed's heart was flooding with emotion when he saw what they were.

"Mine..." Christian smiled fondly at the well-thumbed and clearly much-cherished piece of paper.  
"...And yours..." He handed Syed his favourite photo.  
Syed took it from him with shaking hands.  
"I promised that I would give this back to you... So here you are... " Christian whispered affectionately.  
With the back of his hand, Christian gently wiped away a lone tear that softly trickled down the other man's face.  
"Now you can..."

"Yeah..." Syed smiled, swallowing away the lump in his throat. "Now I can..."

0+0+0+0

"I nearly did it, you know?" Syed sighed, as he leaned back into Christian's embrace. "That day..? I very nearly did it..."  
"I know..." Christian smiled.

0+0+0+0

_He loves me.  
Syed loves me. If I had any doubts about that, they are now completely wiped away. He hasn't said the words. I know he can't.  
But he told me anyway. His tears and his despair have told me.  
The look in his eyes, shining at me from those photos, has told me.  
The whole day we had today... has told me. _

_And he held my hand. He's holding it now, as we slowly walk towards the underground.  
He's opened so completely to me today. I hardly thought it possible.  
I have seen that abandonment in him before, that moment when he completely lets go of all his fears. It's there, each time we make love. That one, all too short moment of complete fearlessness that happens when we come together. When our hearts and minds really connect. _

_But the moment he lets go of me, the moment I let him out of the safety of my arms, the guilt and the fear worm their way back into his mind.  
Unyielding and persistent, they come back and pull him away from me. _

_Today is the first time he's allowed himself to be the person he really is, outside of the safety of my flat.  
And what he's shown me, what I've seen... is so beautiful. So precious. It claws at my heart to realize what he is denying himself. And me..._

_We're walking slowly, our feet are dragging at the knowledge that this day is about to end, that reality is rearing its ugly head... just around the corner.  
"I don't want this day to end" he puts my feelings into words.  
_"_No..." I agree "Neither do I..."_

_0+0+0_

_We're on the train. Like we were this morning. Only now I'm sitting right next to him, and underneath the cover of our strategically placed shopping bags, he still holds on to my hand. I watch him as he stares at the underground plan above the sliding doors. He's counting the number of stops that separate us from our destination. That separate us from reality.  
The closer we're getting to Walford, the tighter he squeezes my hand._

_Four more stations.  
His hand is shaking in mine.  
"I don't want to go home" he suddenly says. It sounds like a sob, and it breaks my heart. I look at him, his face is pale, his features are drawn, his eyes are red-rimmed and shining with unshed tears._

_The train stops and I make a split-second decision.  
_"_Come" I say, and pull him with me off the train. As it rides away, leaving us on the platform, he stands in front of me, shaking, wide-eyed and confused.  
_"_Christian... what...?"  
__I wrap my hands around his beautiful, sad face and look into his eyes.  
_"_Let's do this" I say. I barely recognize my own voice. "Let's... just... go..."  
_"_Go..?"  
_"_All we have to do, Sy... is turn back... We get on a train, and we.. just go... We get out of here. You and me, just us. Just say the word, and we're gone..."_

_He's speechless.  
__There's a glimmer of hope in those gorgeous brown eyes, as he allows himself - for just a moment - to savour the idea...  
Me and him. Just us. Together.  
__But only seconds later, I can almost hear the objections and the questions and the worries that snake their way back into his head.  
I see his face crumple. He bows his head and looks away. And I know I've lost._

"_I can't" Those two words again. So much pain. He looks up. Tears are running down his face, and he's making no attempt to hide them.  
_"_I really want to, I really do... Christian.. But... I can't..."_

_His answer doesn't surprise me. What does surprise me is the feeling of complete loss I feel at hearing those words.  
But I can't show him that. I must be strong. He can't know that I'm dying inside as well. The same way I know that he's dying too.  
So I gently press his head against my shoulder, offering him the only comfort that I can.  
_"_It's alright, Sy, I understand..."_

_0+0+0+0_

_We're sitting close on one of those uncomfortable benches on the platform. He's leaning against me, seemingly oblivious to the world outside. The fact that, so close to Walford, someone we know might see us together, doesn't even seem to occur to him anymore.  
__We don't speak, we're both completely defeated. I fleetingly wonder why we're doing this to each other. Letting ourselves and each other feel such joy – and then allowing it to tear us apart. The answer is simple. At least for me it is. I love him. And I can't let go._

_I don't know how much time goes by as we sit there. I finally look at the announcement board above our heads.  
_"_Sy..." I say it gently "the next train is in 2 minutes..."  
__He looks up at me, confused.  
_"_And I think you should take it"  
__His eyes cloud over.  
_"_And I'll take the next one"  
_"_But..."_

_I'm merciless. I hate it, but I have to be. For both our sakes.  
_"_We left together this morning, Sy. If we arrive back together too, people may start asking questions..."_

_He stares at me wordlessly, when the reality of our lives, of his life, comes crashing down on him hard and fast. I'm using his own self-imposed rules against him now, and I hate myself for it.  
But he knows I'm right.  
_"_I don't want this day to end" He says it stubbornly, defensively, but the fight in him is already withering away. _

"_I don't want to..." he whispers, when a rush of air announces the train's imminent arrival._  
_"I'm only 5 minutes behind you, Sy" I reassure him._

_He shakes his head, and as the train rumbles into the station he suddenly pulls me close, his hands lock around my face, and he kisses me, angrily, desperately... And I'm equally desperate, kissing him back.  
He reluctantly lets go, when commuters start to descend the train. He gets up at last, but doesn't avert his eyes, still hanging on to my hand as if it's a lifeline..._

"_Five minutes" I repeat "and I'll call you..."  
__He finally walks away. With seconds to spare, he turns back "I wish..." he says.  
_"_I know" I say "So do I" _

_The train rides away, and he's on it.  
I watch it take him away from me, and the feeling of loss it's leaving me with shakes me to the core. Even though I'll only be 5 minutes behind him, I feel as if he's leaving me for good. _

0+0+0+0

"I nearly took you up on it" Syed said quietly "to leave together... it was so tempting..."  
Christian smiled wistfully "It was... but looking back, I think it was good that we didn't..."  
Syed looked up at him in surprise "Really...? You think so...? After everything we had to go through ...?"  
"Yeah" Christian caressed his cheek "If I'm honest... I don't think we would have made it, if we had..." he admitted sadly. "You would never have forgiven me, Sy, for making you leave everything behind, your family, your friends, your home..."

"But now I did it anyway..."

"Yes... But you did on _your_ terms. When _you_ were ready. And at least you tried. You were honest to them at the end...  
If we'd have just left back then, you would have wondered for the rest of your life what would have happened if you _had_ told them the truth. And you would have ended up resenting me for taking that chance away from you..."

Syed nodded thoughtfully, realizing Christian was probably right.  
"We did go through a lot, Sy... and it was really hard... but maybe... maybe we just had to go through it... to arrive where we are now... to realize that what we have really is ... worth fighting for... And it's made us strong... so strong."  
"And when at last... you chose me..." Christian said, "When you chose me, Sy, you did it because it was what _you_ wanted. Not because me or anyone else pressurized you... It was _your_ choice."

"The right choice... it took me long enough though" Syed sighed regretfully.  
"It doesn't matter anymore, Sy... because you're here _now_. Right here, with me..."

Christian pressed a fond kiss on top of Syed's head.  
"And do you know what the best bit is...?"

Syed cocked his head, his eyes turning to slits, and looked at him cautiously.  
"It's going to be something naughty, isn't it?"  
Christian burst out in a hearty laugh, and pulled him near.  
"No... hm... well, not this time..." he laughed. He affectionately fingered the photos in his hand.  
"I treasure these photos, Sy, and I always will. But the best bit is that I don't have to look at photos anymore to know what you feel for me. I have the real thing now... I have you … right here with me, and whenever I look into your eyes, at any given moment, I see it... it's right there..."

A little embarrassed, Syed lowered his eyes, to escape Christian's steady, unwavering gaze.

"Don't hide them from me, my love" Christian said, as he tenderly wrapped his hands around Syed's face and made him look up again.  
"Don't ever hide them..."

Syed looked at him. Happy and unafraid.  
His eyes were shining with the tenderest, deepest love he had ever felt.  
It was the most beautiful sight Christian had ever seen.

**0+0+0+0**

**Reviews as always much appreciated! **  
**Oh... and there's still a bit more to come... ;-)**


	27. Chapter 27

_A/N : So... we finally seem to be approaching the end of this story... But not just yet... As you know me, I tend to digress, so no panic yet! ;-) _  
_Chapter 27 was supposed to be the chapter I've been wanting to write right from the start of this story, nearly a year ago now, but again, it's turned out a little different. The intended bit is coming up in chapter 28, but you're getting a little cliffhanger at the end, a little taster of what is to come._  
_Please keep in mind that this is an alternative universe... My story started after Syed's honeymoon, and has led its own life since then, separate from the real story line. _

_Thank you all for being so incredibly patient with me. Hopefully you'll find a moment to leave me a review, it means so much...! _  
_And a salute to my mates at WFCTGIO. You guys rock!_

**CHAPTER 27**

Syed stirred and slowly lifted his head. His soft dark curls tickled Christian's naked chest, and Christian, who'd been slumbering peacefully in post-passion bliss, let out an involuntarily gasp. He didn't open his eyes, just smiled to himself, when he felt that Syed was still lying on top of him, chest against chest, their bodies close. Syed affectionately rubbed his nose against Christian's fragrant skin, still damp with sweat, and couldn't resist leaving a trail of wet, hungry kisses against it. Finally able to pull himself away – but only slightly – he folded his arms across Christian's chest and leaned his chin on his clasped hands. He gazed into the beautiful face of his lover, and let out a sigh of contentment and delight.

Christian finally opened his eyes, and put his hands behind his head to stretch. He grinned at the wonderful sight before him. Gorgeous Syed, his cheeks flushed with pleasure, his lips still lightly swollen from the kisses they had shared, his beautiful dark eyes dilated and hazy, his hair tangled in wild disarray... and the loveliest, sexiest smile he'd ever seen... He reached out and ran his fingers teasingly through Syed tousled hair.

Syed opened his mouth to say something, but as his eyes locked with his lover's, so deep and mysterious, yet so full of love and passion, the words failed him – and he just sighed again. He closed his eyes, quietly savouring the vivid memories of their passionate love-making, and enjoying the lingering feeling of Christian's body so close to his...

"Speechless, huh?" Christian chuckled.  
Syed blushed. "Well... yeah..." he grinned back, his fingers affectionately twirling the soft hairs on Christian's chest. "Can you blame me?"  
Christian's chest shook as laughter rippled through him.  
"Definitely not" he agreed.

Syed enjoyed another moment of quiet bliss, just staring into Christian's loving eyes. It was hard to force himself back to reality.  
"Well, Christian..." he sighed at last "Weren't we supposed to be unpacking...?" He made an attempt to frown and tried to sound serious, but the smile in his voice was unmistakeable.  
"Hmmm... I think we were..." Christian admitted. Then he sniggered with a wicked grin. "But...I have been, haven't I? I've been unpacking _you_!"  
He playfully slapped Syed's naked buttocks. "And _quite_ _successfully_, I might add..."

"Oi!" Syed yelped in surprise, but he couldn't deny the excitement that rushed through him at Christian's touch, and he gasped as the hands on his cheeks pressed their bodies closer together.  
"Complaints?" Christian smiled a slow, wicked smile. His eyes were dancing with mischief, and their lips were almost touching.  
"None" Syed admitted with a moan. "None whatsoever."  
With that, he caught Christian's bottom lip between his. Christian eagerly opened his mouth under his, and Syed happily accepted the unspoken invitation. With tantalizing slowness his tongue slid over Christian's, until he finally couldn't hold himself back any longer, and with barely restrained fierceness he melded their lips together. He groaned deep in his throat and brought Christian's head back further to kiss him deeper. Their tongues flicked together, their breath mingled, and they closed their eyes, lost in the incredible sweetness of each other's scent. The kiss seemed to last forever, their tongues sliding and wrapping around each other as if fighting a battle for dominance.  
When they broke at last to give each other a moment to breathe, Syed fought to calm down his raging heart beat, and started to disentangle himself from Christian's embrace.

"And where do you think you're going?" Christian complained, not yet willing to let him go.  
"I'm getting up" Syed said.  
"Why?"  
Syed shook his head and rolled his eyes.  
"Because..., _Mr Insatiable_, we're lying here, _naked_, on the _floor_ in the middle of the living room, in broad day light..."  
Christian shrugged indifferently. "And...? "  
"_And_... in about..." Syed checked his watch "an hour... in fact, in _less_ than an hour... if you remember... we're having a visitor!"  
Christian frowned. "A visitor?"  
Syed shook his head in mild frustration.  
"Don't tell me you forgot!"  
Seeing the blank expression on the other man's face, he sighed "Well, of course he forgot!" he mumbled to himself. He nudged Christian playfully "Come on! You remember! That phone call we got, just before we …. err... got distracted...?"  
A light bulb went on in Christian's face.  
"Roxy!"  
"Roxy, yes...!" Syed chuckled "she's bringing over that bag you forgot."

He rolled his eyes "Though for the life of me, I can't imagine what you could possibly have put in yet _another_ bag" He counted on his fingers "One overnight bag, one rucksack, and three gigantic suitcases, all filled with stuff..."  
He looked around.  
"Which – by the way – in case you hadn't noticed - is now spread across the room... in … errr ….let's say... _mild_ _disarray_..."

Christian lifted himself up on his elbows and took in the mess around them. Open suit-cases spilled their content on the floor. Everywhere across the room, on the sofa, over the coffee table, … on every available surface, clothes and other bits and pieces were haphazardly scattered around. T-shirts, socks, towels, jeans, even books, and a few bottles of his favourite moisturiser... Christian frowned displeased at the pile of his ironed and carefully folded shirts that had tumbled over onto the floor.  
The look of slight bewilderment on his face made Syed giggle.  
"You do realize, Christian, that we've just given ourselves another mountain of washing and ironing, don't you?"

Christian didn't answer straight away. He grimaced uncomfortably and manoeuvred a crumpled and scrunched-up piece of fabric from underneath him. With mild consternation he realized that it was the t-shirt Syed had been wearing... And twisted around his right foot was the strap of one of his favourite vests...

Then the humour of the situation caught up with him and a cheeky grin spread across his face.  
"Yeah..." he laughed, kicking away the vest, and with a well-aimed volley, he tossed the t-shirt away over Syed's head. It caught the end of the reading lamp, where it hung accusingly.  
"But boy … it was worth it!"

Syed burst out laughing.  
As the giggles coursed through his body, he freed himself from Christian's grasp, and rolled over to lie next to him.  
But something caught his back, and he yelped with surprise.  
"Ouch! What the... ?" he jumped, and fished out a thick book from underneath him. "So what's this then?"  
He read the title out loud.  
"_How to build muscle_. Hm... Not exactly Shakespeare, is it, Christian?" he chuckled.  
"Give me that here..." Christian called out, and reached for the book, but Syed kept it out of his grasp, and read on.  
"_In this book you'll uncover a wide array of tips, including guidelines on how to correctly build up your body today!_"

He rolled his eyes "_Today_, no less!" and continued, not in the least disturbed by Christian's protests.  
"_Learn how sleep helps you reach your goals_"  
"Haha! _Sleep_!" he chortled "As if..!"  
"Stop it, Sy..." Christian felt suddenly embarrassed, but Syed wouldn't cut him any slack.  
"_And... d__iscover how to set up your own workout plan_..."  
"Oooh, I bet you'd be good at that, wouldn't you, darling?" Syed chuckled.  
Christian had enough. He rolled over, and in one swift movement he effectively pinned Syed down under him, wrestled the book from him and tossed it away. He didn't even look up when it knocked something off the coffee table. Instead he pressed his warm weight against the other man, and leaned in close.

"And you'd like that, wouldn't you, Sy? Our own... personal... workout plan?" he breathed against Syed's lips.  
Instantly, Syed felt himself harden against him again, and he groaned when Christian reached down to stroke him. He had no defence against the urgent excitement that coursed through his body like an electrical current. His breathing came hard and quick; he could hardly stand it.

But he had to be strong.  
He writhed away "No, Christian..."  
"What do you mean... _no_?"  
"Not now!" Syed repeated. "Roxy can be here any minute"  
Christian rolled his eyes...

"Have you actually _met_ Roxy, Sy? She's _never_ on time anywhere. And even if she was, we still have almost an entire hour... " he smiled seductively  
"Come on babe, let me show you the sort of workout plan I can come up with in a whole hour... "

"You really _are_ insatiable, Christian." Syed grinned. "Worse than a teenager."  
He wrapped his arms around the other man's waist affectionately, but looked at him in earnest.  
"Come on, Christian... be serious for once..."  
Unable to ignore the undisguised disappointment in Christian's eyes though, he smiled flirtatiously "And I'll make it worth your while..."

Christian's face lit up "Will you then?"  
"Yeah..." Syed touched his cheek playfully. "I think... I might be able arrange a bit of a special workout plan for you tonight... That is.. if you can be a good boy, and wait until then...?"  
His irresistible, coy smile and the naughty glint in his eyes finally outmanoeuvred Christian.  
"Oh,... okay then..." he sighed, and rolled away from Syed with a disgruntled moan. "But it'll better be worth it..."

"It will be... " Syed reassured him, as he let his hand travel teasingly over Christian's chest down to his abdomen, "It will be, count on it!"  
Before Christian could react to his touches, he pressed a swift kiss on his nose, and scrambled up from the floor.  
"I'll go take a shower now".  
Christian sat up eagerly, but Syed silenced him with a grin.  
"Alone!" he said, before Christian could even make the suggestion he knew he was going to.  
"_Tonight_... remember...?"  
Opening the door to the bathroom, he turned back and called over his shoulder "If you want some exercise, Christian, you can perhaps start cleaning this mess up in the meantime?"

Christian gasped indignantly. "You... you cheeky so-and-so... !" he called out, grabbing the nearest thing to throw at Syed's head. But the crumpled boxers fluttered aimlessly towards the already closed bathroom door, and Christian let himself fall down on the floor again with a frustrated groan.

"You're a slave driver, Syed Masood" he grumbled out loud "... and not a very nice one at the moment..."

He needed a cold shower himself.  
And swiftly.

0+0+0+0

"Hmmm... that felt good" Syed sighed happily, as he walked back into the living room, towelling his damp hair.  
He looked around him in surprise. Not a discarded book or crumpled t-shirt in sight... Christian had been busy! And he still was, mopping the floor with a face like a thundercloud.

"Well.. Glad you enjoyed it." he grumbled. "At least _one_ of us had a good time then. I hope that at least you left some hot water for me. See, I'm all sweaty. And it's not the nice kind of sweat. It's the sweat you get from _working_." He rambled on. "Not the sweat you get from a good work-out in the gym.. or in the bedroom, for that matter. It's workman's sweat and..."

"Oh, shut up and come 'ere" Syed stepped closer, and interrupted him. Undeterred by Christian's show of mock reluctance, he caught the other man's hand in his, and pulled him close.  
"Thank you so much for your hard work, my darling Christian" he whispered against his lips. "Let me give you a reward..."

"Don't..." Christian protested, and defiantly turned his head away "I might ruin all that... _freshness_... you got going on... and make you all smelly and dirty again...". But he couldn't keep up the pretence of anger for long, as Syed tenderly wrapped his hands around his face and his soft lips gently touched his in the sweetest of kisses.

When their mouths parted, Christian sighed contentedly, and circled his arms around Syed's waist. They just stood there for a little while, leaning their foreheads together, and gazed into each other's eyes.

"Tonight then, eh?" Christian double-checked.  
"Tonight" Syed reassured him with a grin. "Go on then... go get your shower, before Roxy comes... I'll finish up in here"  
"Okay then... if you insist"  
"I insist. Off you go..." Syed playfully slapped Christian's bum, and chuckled.

But as he watched him flaunt off to the bathroom, he suddenly remembered something.  
"Christian?"  
"Hmmm...?"  
"I've been thinking... Do you think Roxy might stay long? Like, for dinner or something?"  
A cheeky grin spread across Christian's face. "Impatient already?"  
"No...!" Syed shook his head, "is that really the _only_ thing you can think about?"  
"It is when _you're_ around, yes.. " Christian admitted with a wink, making Syed blush.  
"Well, for _your_ information, it's nothing to do with that... " Syed said rather defensively. He suddenly felt very self-conscious.

Christian noticed the change in Syed, and came back to him. He lifted his chin up to make him look up.  
"I'm sorry, Sy, you know I can't help myself sometimes... " he said apologetically. "Come on, darling, tell me. What is it?"

Syed took a deep breath.  
"It's just... if she stays longer..." He hesitated, and shuffled his feet shyly. "Then it may tie in with my prayer time..."  
Christian understood. "She probably won't stay that long, love... and if it's awkward, then I'll just tell her that it's not convenient that she stays..."  
"No... No... I don't want that, Christian. She's our... first … guest, and I want her to feel welcome. I don't want her to feel any more uncomfortable than she probably already does..."  
Christian smiled at him fondly.  
"Darling, don't worry about it. Roxy's not that easily flustered, you know..."  
"I know... but still... It's just... getting my prayer mat out during the middle of the conversation may just be a little bit of a mood breaker... "  
He sighed "So I thought maybe I could put my things in the other room, just in case, and then I can slip away discreetly to do my prayers, while you keep Roxy entertained..."  
Christian shook his head.  
"Oh Sy, I love the way you're always so graciously considerate about everybody else's feelings" he ruffled Syed's hair "A little bit _too_ considerate sometimes... There really is no need for this, you know..."

But seeing the hesitant look on Syed's face, he understood.  
"But if it makes you feel better, love, then just do it... And it'll probably be easier for you too, won't it?"  
He lovingly gathered Syed close for a moment, before finally letting go reluctantly.  
"I'll go grab that shower now" he whispered, and pressed a quick kiss on Syed's nose before strutting off to the bathroom.

"Oh.." he turned around at the door "by the way... I wouldn't open those suitcases if I were you... or try to move them..."  
"Don't tell me... You didn't...?"  
"Yep..." Christian shrugged "chucked everything back in there... where else?"

Syed was still laughing when he heard the shower being turned on.

0+0+0+0

Syed smiled wistfully, as he knelt beside the small blanket chest in the corner of the living room. It was a simple but beautiful, hand-crafted chest that Christian had inherited from his maternal grandmother. Christian would never admit to being the sentimental type, but Syed knew he was very fond of this bit of family history, and it meant a lot more to him than he was willing to concede.

Syed remembered so well the first time he had asked about it. It was months ago now, during - what they used to call – one of their _stolen_ afternoons. They'd been making love, making desperate love in fact, trying to fight off, against their better judgement, the nagging realization that what they had, that all they could have, was just this... a few stolen hours every once in a while. Afterwards, they'd been sitting in bed, cuddled up close, Syed leaning against Christian's chest, and Christian's arms around him.. Trying to make pointless, mindless conversation, anything, just _anything_, to take their minds away from their upcoming farewell.

As he was trying to think of something sensible to say, Syed's eyes had caught the chest in the corner of the room. He'd seen it many times before, and had wondered. It had always looked vaguely out of place to him, amongst Christian's modern, minimalistic furniture, and he'd guessed it must have some sentimental value for him. He'd never asked, of course, because somehow it felt like too much of an intimate question – not something you'd ask your … part-time, casual lover. He hadn't been ready to admit to himself yet, that Christian was much, much more to him than that.

But that afternoon, as they sat there, still basking in the warmth of post-passion bliss, and already dreading the inevitable goodbye, it suddenly felt right. Over the past few weeks, months even, they had increasingly been growing closer, and Syed had been struggling with his own feelings about that. Being wretched and worried about it one time, being deliriously happy the next... He'd realized that he really wanted to know all there was to know about this fascinating, wonderful man. And so he'd finally asked.

Christian had smiled reflectively – Syed, sitting with his back to him, hadn't seen that smile, but he'd felt it, as Christian was leaning his chin on his shoulder. He'd explained it had been his grandmother's who he'd been very fond of. Apparently, they'd had quite a bond, and he'd told him how he used to spend hours with her when he was a child, just talking or watching her cook, going places together...  
Syed in turn had smiled quietly about that. He could just see the image in front of him: loud, boisterous, young Christian Clarke being lovingly patient and gentle with his dear gran. It was a beautiful image, another bit of Christian gold-dust he'd lock away in his heart and treasure forever.

A little reluctantly, Christian had told him that he kept a few family heirlooms in the chest. He'd shrugged, and cast it off as unimportant. Even then, after all the stuff he and Syed had been through already, he still hadn't quite been ready yet to let Syed see behind that carefree, unattached, free-wheeling persona he'd adapted. But Syed _had_ seen through it – he'd known Christian so much better already than either of them was willing to admit. But he hadn't insisted, and let it go.

Earlier today, Syed had been thinking out loud about what the best place would be to store away his prayer mat, and Christian had immediately suggested to keep it in his gran's blanket chest.  
"It'll be safe there, Sy – close-by for you to get to it whenever you need it, and yet protected from damage and dust,.. It's the best place to put it" he insisted.  
"It's very kind of you, Christian, but I'd feel like I'm intruding..." Syed protested. "It's your family inheritance, and... "  
"_You_ are my family too, Sy" Christian had said seriously.  
He'd swallowed. "That chest, Sy, and what's in it, they're things that are important to me, that I treasure. _You_ are important to me. And your prayer mat is important to _you_. If only for that reason, it really belongs there... I'd really love it... actually, I'd be _honoured_, if you stored it there..."

"Oh Christian..." Syed had been so incredibly moved by Christian's sweet offer that it left him almost speechless.  
"Come on" Christian had said, and had taken his hand. "Let me show you" Sat together on the floor, next to the chest, he'd opened it, and showed Syed its precious content.  
It was a fine, beautifully handmade, quilt. With a lump in his throat, Christian had told Syed the story behind it. His gran had been working on it when she died, and she'd never been able to finish it. Christian's mum had held on to it for years, partly because she didn't know what to do with it, and partly because she couldn't bear to part with it. When his parents had finally decided to move to Florida permanently, the chest and the quilt had ended up at Jane's, who passed it on to Christian.

"I wasn't on speaking terms with my family when my gran died, Sy. I never got to say goodbye... Jane knew how much I regretted that. So she gave me this. I don't think my gran ever knew why I left... I don't think she knew that I was gay... "  
He smiled a little "But I'd like to believe she wouldn't have loved me any less if she had known... She was the sweetest, most open-minded person I've ever met..."  
Christian had stood up, had carefully taken Syed's _sajjadah _from the chair where he'd left it, and brought it back to him. He put it in his hands.  
"And I know she'd be honoured if she knew her chest was used for this..." he'd smiled.  
"Go on then..." he'd encouraged him.

Syed had felt his whole body shake with emotion, as he carefully placed the mat on top of the quilt, and closed the lid.  
"Thank you, Christian" he'd said, his voice tight with affection.  
"I love you, Sy" Christian had answered simply, and they had embraced.

0+0+0

Syed retrieved the prayer mat from the chest and got up.  
The doorbell rang. He glanced at his watch, and smiled. So much for Roxy always being late, he chuckled to himself.  
"Hi Roxy. Come on up..." he said into the phone. He buzzed her in, and put the door ajar.  
"_Christian! Roxy's here_!" he called against the bathroom door, but he started when it opened just at that exact moment.  
"Good timing! So am I!" Christian grinned as he walked in.  
"Oh, didn't mean to scare you, love..." he said, when he saw the alarmed look on Syed's face.  
But Syed shrugged it off with a smile. "Let me just put this in the other room then" he said. "You can offer Roxy something to drink. I'll be right back"

The door of the flat creaked slightly as it opened, and Christian looked up and smiled over Syed's shoulder to welcome Roxy. But the smile froze on his face.  
Syed saw his expression change and, wondering what was going on, he turned, and his breath caught in his throat.

"Dad…" he gasped.

Masood was just standing there, motionless, not saying a word, the expression on his face completely unreadable.  
Syed felt his knees wobble as trepidation washed over him.

Silence fell, and no one spoke for the longest moment.  
Christian was the quickest to recover. He gently touched Syed's arm.  
"Are you OK, love?" he asked, not in the least concerned of what Masood would think of him using a term of endearment for his son.

But Syed didn't hear him, he just stared at his father.  
"Sy….?" Christian insisted. He moved and placed himself in the direct line of vision between Syed and his father, thus effectively blocking Masood out, and forcing the Syed to break his stare and look at him. He didn't care about what Syed's father would think of the intimacy or defiance this action implied.  
His first and only concern was Syed.

Syed finally blinked and seemed to wake from his trance, and it was as if he only just noticed Christian.

_Thank goodness Christian's got a shirt on_ – Syed struggled to hold back a nervous, self-depreciating chuckle when that instinctive thought floated through his brain.  
_And still trying to be the good, dutiful son_, he realized.

He sought Christian's eyes, who looked back at him with so much love and kindness that he felt it calm him down a little.  
"Yes…" he mumbled, smiling faintly at Christian "Yes, I'm fine…"

Christian caressed his arm reassuringly.  
"Do you want me to get out of your way and give you some privacy, so that you and your dad can talk?" he asked.

"No" Syed said with urgency and determination in his voice "I want you to stay".  
He locked eyes with him "Please."

"Okay, my love" Christian said. "I'll stay..."  
He soothingly put his hands over Syed's.  
"Let me take this from you..."

Syed looked down in wonderment. He'd completely forgotten that he was still holding the _sajjadah. _He noticed he was squeezing it so hard that his knuckles had turned white. He was holding on to it as if it was a shield protecting him from what was about to come.

"I'll put it back in its place for you" Christian said gently "okay?"  
"Yeah…" Syed whispered. It took him every effort to relax his muscles and loosen his grip, even though nothing could feel more right than placing his precious cargo in the hands of the man he loved and trusted. Christian took it from him, almost reverently.  
The moment he let go, Syed felt exposed and vulnerable.

And as always, Christian read him perfectly. He reached out and softly touched his jaw.  
"I love you" he mouthed, so quietly and intimately that there was no way Masood could hear it, but Syed did, and his eyes lit up briefly, a small sigh of relief escaping his lips.

As Christian walked across the room to the blanket chest in the corner, he felt two pairs of eyes on him, following his every movement. Gently, almost tenderly, he opened the chest and placed the _sajjadah_ inside, smoothing it carefully, before closing the lid and turning the key. As he got up and turned, he acknowledged Masood with the slightest nod.  
The older man still hadn't spoken.  
Syed still hadn't moved.  
He still hadn't looked back at his dad. His eyes had been following Christian, and they still were, as if he was his lifeline.

In all, it couldn't have taken more than two minutes, but to Christian it might just as well have been hours. It felt as if everything was happening in slow motion. The silence that hung in the air was nearly unbearable. The atmosphere was almost surreal.

Christian coughed and cleared his throat. "I'll put the kettle on then, shall I? " he said, in an attempt to break the spell, and hurried to the kitchen. In passing, his hand lightly touched Syed's elbow, and he flashed him a reassuring, encouraging smile.

It seemed to work.

Syed took a deep breath, and finally turned to face his father.  
Masood too finally seemed to have found his voice.

"So you're still praying then?" he said.  
His voice sounded like that of someone who hadn't spoken for a long time, hoarse and tense, and it startled Syed to hear the barely contained emotion in it.

"Yes... yes, of course" he said. The answer came instinctively, almost unconsciously "Of course I still pray…"  
"Good" Masood said "It's good that you haven't lost your faith"  
"Never" Syed insisted "I could never lose my faith…"  
Despite everything, it seemed inconceivable to Syed that his father would even doubt that.

And again... silence fell.  
Both men just stood there, staring at each other.

In the kitchen, Christian was nervously clattering about with kettles and mugs. In the living room everything was quiet. Christian wished he could say something, jump in to take over, shake them both, bang their heads together if necessary, just to make them talk. But he knew it was better to stay away.

Finally, Syed gathered up his courage.  
He swallowed.  
"Say something, dad…. Don't just stand there, say something. Please."

The look on Masood's face was unreadable. He shook his head, and sighed.  
When he finally spoke there was no bitterness in his voice, only a hint of disbelief.

"Have I been such a bad father to you, Syed?" he asked.

_**0+0+0+0**_

_**No apologies for cutting here. Chapter 28 is on its way... that's a promise**_  
_**Thank you for reviewing !**_


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N ****: **_Just to remind you that this is still a parallel universe, and in this world, Masood's not been tainted by some of the stuff that's happened in EE since the S/A wedding.  
The content of this chapter (bar a few details) is still exactly how I intended it when I started this fic about a year ago. It just took me a bit longer to get here than I had expected... _

_Hope you enjoy, and I would really love to hear your thoughts on it. _

**CHAPTER 28**

Masood's words had the effect of a bombshell.

In the kitchen, Christian nearly dropped the kettle. He slowly turned, and glanced from Syed to Masood and back to Syed. An awkward, suffocating silence had filled the living room, while father and son faced each other without either one making a motion to break the breathless tension between them.  
Syed's face had paled and his eyes had widened, surprise and sorrow were etched in his face.  
Masood's face was simply unreadable.

"I must have been a really bad father" he repeated calmly. "Because..." He swallowed hard, as if it pained him to say it.  
" Because I never really knew you at all, did I?"

"Dad…" Syed finally managed. But the words he wanted to say constricted his throat. He shook his head, the pain in the pit of his stomach almost making him double over. It was as if Masood didn't notice. He continued undisturbed.  
"But I only have myself to blame for that. It's not as if I ever gave you a chance… "

Syed felt dizzy. He wasn't sure what he had thought his father would say, but this was the last thing he had expected. His dad was blaming himself?  
He shook his head, unable to speak. Not knowing what to say. A myriad of thoughts ran through his brain but not one of them made any sense, not one of them could be put into words...

Again it was Masood who spoke first.  
"Can I sit down?" he asked matter-of-factly.

It startled Syed.  
"Yes… yes, of course" he mumbled quickly, nervously.  
Masood didn't take a chair at the dinner table, but sat down on the sofa, nearly on the exact spot where earlier, Christian and he had… where they had…  
Syed nearly broke out in a nervous, hysterical laughter at the thought of that. If his dad only knew… Images of what had taken place there, such a short while ago, the passion, the heat, the careless happiness of it, coursed through his brain so vividly that it made him blush. He and Christian had been lying there on the floor, right there where his dad's feet were now resting, and they had been… doing … the unthinkable. Unthinkable to Masood at least. To himself and to Christian it had been love and passion and togetherness, and … everything beautiful. If only Masood knew…

But then, how could he? Syed shook his head to rid himself of these thoughts, but it was almost impossible to see past the irony.

But why was he even thinking these things? His father was here. He wanted to talk. So... why was his head filled with all these senseless thoughts, when nothing should matter more to him right now than the fact that his father was here to listen to him...?  
He knew the answer to that question. He was afraid. Afraid to even think of the conversation that lay ahead. His mind, his head, his heart was avoiding the words that needed to be said. The dread he felt was almost unbearable.  
He felt out of breath, his knees wobbled and in fear of fainting if he didn't, he quickly sat down opposite Masood.

"Dad…" he began again.  
But again the words got stuck in his throat. He cast down his eyes, because he couldn't stand his father's unwavering look, and desperately tried to gather his thoughts.

Again it was silent for a little while, and again it was Masood broke the silence.

"You wanted to talk, Syed" he said. "I'm here ... So… talk…"

Syed tentatively looked up at his father. He could hardly believe he was here. He knew he had a hundred reasons to dislike him, but at the end of the day Masood was still a part of him, no matter how far apart they now were. He couldn't help but think of the good times they had had together. Because there _had_ been good times, maybe too few and far between, and maybe too easy to forget behind the pain of what came later, but they still happened.  
Like the first time he rode a bike without the training wheels... He remembered how his dad had run around the block beside him, twice, three times, out of breath and struggling to keep up. But never leaving his side, in case he fell. Making sure he was safe...

No... Maybe Masood had not been the best, or warmest father. Strict, yes, even austere at times. But when he was a child, his dad had been good to him, Syed knew. A little too distant. A little too cold. But never uncaring. A good man, but always so inaccessible behind that distant, placid, unreadable face of his. Growing up, Syed had always been half-afraid of him, but at the same time he'd always looked up at him, loved him wholeheartedly, and craved for his love and respect in return.

He couldn't remember when their relationship had truly begun to sour. True, they had never been very close, not as close as he'd been to his mother, but he remembered things making a definite turn for the worse in his teenage years. Somehow – Syed still hadn't quite figured out why – they had stopped finding common ground and it was as if all the love was slowly being sucked out of their relationship and replaced by a bitter, empty and sometimes resentful feeling. They drifted apart completely around about the time he had started to struggle with his own feelings, Syed now realized. He'd had his own worries to contend with, of course, and to overcompensate his doubts and fears he'd desperately started to look for his father's approval – which never really came, no matter what he did. Which only made his resentment grow, just like his determination to prove himself.

And then he went too far, trying to impress, and it backfired horribly. Ironically, it was his ultimate attempt to show his father that he could be perfect son that in the end obliterated the last remnants of their fragile bond.

He sighed.

Could they finally leave the past behind and move ahead? He'd hoped for that ever since he came back to live at home. The money fiasco had hung between them like a big dark cloud for a long time, but there had been definite signs that things were going in the right direction.  
But now everything was different yet again.

This was his chance to finally tell his father all the things he needed to say to him. All the stuff he'd kept inside for so long and that had been left unspoken between them. But now that the moment had come, he couldn't seem to find the words... or the courage... to say them.

Christian had given up on his clumsy attempts to appear busy with tea that never was going to get drunk anyway, and had moved to the dinner corner. He stood there, discreetly, watching the exchange between father and son. He made sure he was standing directly in Syed's line of vision, silently offering his support in case his boyfriend needed it. He too waited with bated breath for what Syed was going to say. He knew Syed was stronger now, so much stronger than he had been only days ago, but still... this was going to be hard.  
He tried to meet Syed's eyes, mentally urging him to look at him and take that quiet support.  
And as if he had heard that silent plea, Syed looked up at last. Over his father's shoulder he locked eyes with the man he loved. In that one look from Christian, so full of understanding and love and patience, he found the strength to finally speak up.

He looked back at his father and swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry, dad" he said at last. His voice was hoarse. "I'm really sorry.  
For lying to you. For all the mistakes I've made, for being deceitful, for hurting you… for letting you down… again…" he shook his head regretfully.  
"Why change the habit of a lifetime, eh…"

"I'm sorry..." he continued "that I'm not the son you hoped I'd be… "  
Masood wanted to interrupt, but Syed went on relentlessly.

He looked straight at his father, unafraid now, feeling Christian's eyes on him at the same time.  
"But I'm not going to apologize for who I am anymore. I won't, dad…." he swallowed "I can't. Not anymore. I finally know who I am, I have finally found myself… and I can't go back. For the first time in my life, I wake up in the morning, and all I feel is joy at being who I am, where I am, and who I'm with. I can finally watch myself in the mirror without feeling shame or despair, and I actually like the man I see there….I finally _like_ me.

"I know I'm a disappointment to you, dad… like I've always been…  
But I'm not going to apologize for being _me_ anymore. I can't. I won't."

Again, silence hung in the air.

Masood just sat there and watched Syed. He had thought he had been prepared for this encounter. He had hardened his heart, and had thought of a thousand things he had wanted to say to hurt Syed, as much as he had hurt him. But the moment he'd laid eyes on him, he'd felt all his resolve fade away, until only helplessness was left. And now Syed's words had disarmed him even further. He clenched his fists in a vain effort to stop his hands from shaking, hardly able to look his son in the eye for fear of betraying his true feelings.

There he was. His eldest son. Flashes of that little cheerful, happy boy from years ago ran through his brain, and brought an unexpected lump to his throat. Where did he go, that little boy? How did it ever come to this? To having to admit that he didn't even know his son? That he never really knew him..?  
He almost physically had to fight back the urge to reach out to him, and ruffle his hair, like he used to when Syed was just a kid, and their lives hadn't been complicated yet by bad decisions, strong opinions, and stupid misunderstandings. And jealousy.

That last thought made him cringe.

When Syed had made his shock announcement and left home, he'd been so angry he could barely think straight. Again, he'd been left an angry and bitter man as he had contemplated the extent of Syed's betrayal. He'd been thinking exactly the things Syed had known he would think.  
How he'd been let down again by that ungrateful son of his. Like he had been so many times before.  
He'd cursed the boy for bringing shame on him, on the family, and for tearing their lives apart, yet again.  
His despicable behaviour was selfish, sinful and simply unforgivable.

But at night, tossing and turning sleeplessly, Masood had realized something else.  
His eldest son was gone and would never return.

Almost despite himself, it had catapulted him right back into the past. He had pushed Syed out of their lives once before. He'd felt so righteous and justified about it at the time. But time had worn on, and doubt had started to seep into his conscience.

He knew in his heart that the reason he'd never tried hard enough to be a good father for Syed was those ridiculous feelings of jealousy he'd been harbouring. It was shameful to be jealous of the love a mother gave her child, he knew that. He wasn't proud of it, but it had been stronger than himself.

He wasn't enough of a coward, or maybe that's exactly what he was, to put the blame of his own behaviour on the loveless childhood he'd experienced at home with his controlling, god-fearing, overzealous parents and his bullying brother. They were good people, really, but they had never known how to show affection.  
It was a sad excuse, he knew, it was unforgivable, he admitted, to deny your own son the parental love you'd had to miss yourself.

When Syed had come back after four years, he'd found himself unable to deal with his own guilt. Staying angry was easier than admitting to be wrong though, so it had taken him a long time to try and initiate some reconciliation between them. Syed had never talked about it, and he hadn't dared to either, but it was undeniable that the rift it had left between them was almost unbridgeable. Despite that, for Zainab's sake really, more than anything, they had bravely ploughed on, keeping up appearances, and had tried to establish some kind of connection. They never really got any further than a gentle, lukewarm cordiality between them, but even that had been better than the utter emptiness of the relationship they had had before. And it was a start.

This time however, he couldn't see a way back.  
There simply _was_ no way back.  
Not from this.  
Or was there?

He'd been fighting with himself for days over the question of whether or not he should come here. But in the end, he'd known he'd never be able to live with himself if he didn't a least give it a try.

Finally he spoke up.  
"So that's what you think? That all you are to me is just …. a disappointment ?"

Syed stared at his father, as though he couldn't believe that he'd even had to ask.  
"I _know_ I am… Don't deny it, dad… I always have been…" he said, his voice low and pained.

"Then I really _have_ been a bad father, if _that_ is the impression I gave you."

Masood swallowed.  
"Look, I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm not disappointed in you. You _have_ disappointed me, Syed. You have disappointed me deeply. More than once. And…. I don't… understand you, or your actions… But saying that you _are_ a disappointment…? No… I would never say that…I couldn't even _think_ that..."

Syed just shook his head blindly, unwilling, unable, to believe those words.  
Masood realized there were even more bridges to build than he had imagined, and he sighed resignedly.

"Do you know what really disappoints me, Syed? What I really, really … can't.. get my head round...? That you got married! Why on earth did you marry that poor girl? Why did you do that? How _could_ you do that, knowing what you knew…, being... what you are…?"

"I know" Syed whispered. The words were barely audible, as the guilt about what he'd done to his wife made the bile rise in his throat.  
"It was the worst mistake of my life… I just.. I just thought I was doing the right thing. I so wanted to do the right thing…"  
He shook his head in defeat, and looked away ashamed. "I never meant to hurt her..."

"Your mother should have stopped you… But she didn't even try, did she?"  
Masood let out a bitter chuckle "Actually, I bet it was just the other way round, she _made_ you go ahead with it, didn't she? She forced you into it…"

"Don't blame mum. It's not her fault. It's mine… Mine alone."  
"Yes it is!"

Masood shook his head in frustrated anger. "I just don't understand that she let you do this, knowing full well it was going to end in tears…"

"And _you_ …"  
Unexpectedly he turned to face Christian "why didn't _you_ stop him? That's why you came, wasn't it? That's why you burst into the room, with that look of bewilderment on your face. I thought you were embarrassed for being late, but that wasn't it, was it? You came to _stop_ him!"

Christian found he couldn't speak. He just nodded.  
"So why _didn't_ you then?"

"_Don't_, dad!" Syed interrupted. "It's not his fault either." He looked at Christian, and for the first time since his father arrived, he felt tears pushing in the corners of his eyes. "Christian left it to _me_, dad. He didn't want to humiliate me in front of the whole community. He loves me, and he wanted to give me the chance to make my own choices, even if it meant that he had to … let me go…"

"And he did…" Syed saw the raw pain that ran across Christian's face, as the memories flooded back. "He let me go"  
He wanted to run up to Christian and wrap his arms around him to take that pain away. But he held back. He knew things needed to be said first. Things his dad needed to know… at last. And he wanted Christian to hear him say them.

"And_ I_ made the wrong decision. _I_ did. Just me. I wanted to do it, dad, I really did. I was so determined to make it work. I was determined to be the perfect husband…to make you and mum proud… I would have done anything to show you that I could be the son you always hoped I'd be... "

"If you were so determined, like you say..." Masood responded. He suddenly sounded bitter "Then what the hell happened? How did we end up here?"

Syed swallowed away the lump in his throat.  
This was the moment of truth. Time to lay it all on the table. No more hiding, no more excuses.  
The truth.

He took a deep breath and looked up at his father.  
"I was lying to myself, dad. And I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't. Wake up every morning, feeling miserable. Fighting against myself every minute of every day. Trying to be someone I was not. Trying to live up to that perfect image, all those expectations…. And knowing in my heart that I would never, _ever_ be able to do that. Knowing in my heart that I was just living a lie. Seeing the hurt and disappointment in my wife's eyes, every time I let her down – unable to be the husband she expected, the husband she deserved. I couldn't do it anymore. Living that lie, destroying her, _and_ Christian, _and_ myself with every hour, every day that went by. It was killing me… and it was slowly killing them. And it had to stop…"

Syed ran out of steam. He could barely hold back a painful sob that escaped his lips.  
"It had to stop…" he whispered.

But he didn't look down.  
Instead, he sought Christian's eyes that gently smiled at him. There he was, the man who'd turned his life around and the first one, the only one, who ever truly knew him. Who gave him strength. He smiled back at him.

As Masood was trying to digest what his son just told him, he couldn't help but notice the silent exchange between the two men. No matter how much it made him feel awkward, he had to admit, almost despite himself, that it moved him somehow.

"And _this_ is what you want?" he finally asked

"Yes!" Syed's answer came fast and without hesitation. "Yes! This is what I want. This is who I want to be. This is who I _am_… I'm finally _me_. And I'm finally at peace, dad… I'm not scared anymore, because Christian believes in me, he trusts in me, he respects my decisions... He makes me feel _alive_...! "

Desperate now to explain to his father what he had fought so long to understand himself, Syed could no longer hold back any of the things he'd been hiding away.

"I fought so hard for so long, dad… you have no idea how hard I fought. How much I hated myself in all those years. How I could barely look at myself without feeling disgust and despair… I didn't _want_ to be me, dad! I _hated_ being me. A worthless, dishonourable sinner! For so long I fought against myself. Hated myself. Cursed myself. I was so scared of what I felt, of what it might mean… ! I prayed and I begged and I fought…."

Syed has stopped trying to keep the tears at bay. He wasn't even aware that he was crying, until he felt the drops fall on his hands that he tightly clenched together in his lap.  
"For such a long time..." he whispered.

"How long?"  
Masood's question startled him.  
"Wha…?"  
"How long? You say you fought it for a long time. I want to know how long have you been feeling this way"  
Syed shook his head.  
"It doesn't matter…"  
"It matters to _me_!"  
Syed just couldn't answer.  
"It doesn't make any difference"  
"How long, Syed?"  
But Syed just looked at his hands.  
"How long!"

At last Syed looked up, but he didn't face his father. Over Masood's shoulder he saw Christian, whose eyes conveyed all that gentle, quiet understanding Syed knew he kept in that kind heart of his. He knew that Christian wanted to know the answer to that question too, maybe even more so than his father did. He'd tried to get him to open up about it, but it had been too raw to talk about it. It still hurt, he was still too ashamed.  
So when the answer finally came, he only looked at Christian. It was Christian he was giving his answer to.

"Ten years… Eleven, I guess…"

As he finally said it, he saw something flash in Christian's eyes. And he knew what it was. It was pain. Christian felt Syed's pain as if it was his own. No one else but Christian could understand how long and hard these eleven years had been.

"Eleven years..!" Masood rubbed his hands over his face as realization hit him.  
"You've been walking around with this for _eleven_ years..?"

Syed just nodded.  
"And…" Masood swallowed "and in all those _eleven_ years it never even occurred to you to come to _me_ about this? To turn to your father…?"

"I couldn't" Syed admitted.  
"Why not?"  
"I just couldn't"  
"Why not?"  
"I was scared, dad!"  
"Of me?"  
"Yes!... No…!" Syed shook his head with blind frustration. "Yes… I … I don't know… !  
He sighed.  
"What could you have possibly done, dad? What would you have said? You would only have told me that it was _haram_, that it was wrong, that I had to forget it, that I had to pray for forgiveness, for strength, for... willpower... That I had to be a good dutiful Muslim boy…  
Do you think I didn't _know_ all that already… ?  
Do you think I didn't _try_...?  
What _difference_ would it have made?"

"You wouldn't have been alone…"

And that quiet admission from his father was what finally broke Syed. Utterly and completely defeated, knocked down by the memories of eleven years of isolation and pain, he put his face in his hands and quietly sobbed.

Christian had to stop himself from running up to Syed to take him into his arms, tell him that he was no longer alone, and never would be again. But he knew that Syed knew this already, and this moment was so important to father and son,. He knew he had to give them the space to take hold of this unique chance to find each other again. He hoped with all his heart, for both their sakes, that it would lead the way to a new beginning for them both, and that they'd finally find the courage to start putting back the first building stones on the ruins of their relationship.

Syed's emotional reaction shook Masood to the core. Again, his every instinct told him to reach out to his son. But their relationship had been so fragile, for so long, was _still_ so fragile... and he felt unable to. And even if he would, he wasn't sure if Syed would accept it, or even believe that it was genuine…  
That realization pierced his heart.

"I _have_ been a bad father" he said, and the pain he heard in his own voice was almost unbearable.  
"If you felt that you couldn't even come to me with _this_…"

"No!" Syed angrily wiped his tears away "It's not your fault! You take the blame for not knowing me. But you couldn't have… You couldn't have known me. I never showed the real me to _anyone_… Not even to myself. Not until… Not until I met Christian, who broke all my defences down, and found me... I hid, dad. I hid who I really was from everyone. You couldn't have known the real me, because I never let you see him…"

"I should have tried harder!" Masood retorted, the regret almost palpable.  
"I am your father, and I should bloody well have tried harder…..!"

The words echoed into the room, as silence fell. Neither spoke. The only sound in the room was their breathing, uneven and strained by held-back tears and emotions.

Again it was Masood who spoke.  
"Look… son…"  
At that word, Syed's head shot up, and his tear-filled eyes sought his father's.  
_Did he really call me "son"? _

Masood realized what he had said, but had no intention of taking it back.  
"Look son" he said again. He didn't quite know how to say what he was about to say, but he continued, "...ever since you told me that …."  
He shook his head, started again. "I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I understand all this. That I can… accept it. That I can condone it. Because the truth is that I can't… You know that I can't, Syed. For me, it's still _haram_. And I don't know if in my mind I will ever be able to see beyond that…."

Syed let out a ragged breath. He didn't want to cry again. Instead he focussed his eyes on his hands in his lap.  
In one word his father had managed to revive his hopes, only to completely dash them again in the course of a sentence.

But Masood hadn't finished.  
"I don't know how to deal with this, Syed, I really don't…" He swallowed hard "but there's one thing I do know…"

He leaned in closer.  
"I am _not_ going to turn my back on you"

Syed looked up hesitantly, and met his father's eyes. Dark, and filled with emotion, and so much like his own.

"I will _not_ turn my back on you" Masood said again, as if he wanted to make sure that Syed had truly heard him.

"Dad…"

"No.. let me finish" Masood shook his head. "I did that once. I turned my back on you once before, and it's one of the biggest regrets of my entire life. It's one of the worst things I've ever done, if not _the_ worst… So I'm not going to do that again."  
His voice broke. "You're my son, you always will be, and I'm never, ever going walk away from you again..."

Syed could hardly believe what he was hearing. He stared at his father. Never before had he seen him look so vulnerable, so humble even. The simple, blatant honesty in his words took him completely by surprise. It was the first time ever his father admitted regret over the way he had pushed him away, over those four years they had lost… He had never even known his father regretted it. They had never before even talked about it.

He was still afraid to speak. He just blinked hard in an attempt to keep fresh tears from falling.

His father continued.  
"The way you choose to live your life, Syed… I can't get my head around it, and I don't know if I ever will...  
I know that … somehow… if we want to move on.. I will need to come to terms with it, but I must admit that I honestly don't know how I'll manage that..."

"But… I can see... " He cleared his throat. " I can see that you're... _at peace_... with yourself, and that makes me…" he didn't know how to continue and shook his head  
"I find comfort in that…."

He swallowed.  
"All I know for sure, Syed, is that I'm your father, and you're my son, and I'm not going to abandon you again. I just can't."

Syed felt relief wash over him. He was grateful that he was sitting down, because if he hadn't been, he was sure his legs would have given way. All he wanted to do in this moment was reach out to his father. He had never before known this feeling of wanting to throw his arms around his father's shoulders, hold him close, and tell him how much he mattered to him.  
Since he met Christian, he'd learnt, bit by bit, to let go of his inhibitions, of that fear of physically showing his emotions and affections. He so wished he was brave enough to do it right now. To show his dad. But he knew it was too much, too soon, for Masood... and maybe for him too. The bridge they were tentatively starting to build was still not strong enough for that.

He took a deep breath.  
"So what happens now? How do we….move on from here…? " he whispered.

"I don't know."  
Masood shrugged.  
"I really have no idea. One step at a time, I suppose… "

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair in a gesture of helplessness.  
"You can't come home, Syed. You know that, don't you… ? Maybe, one day… I don't know… but… right now that's just not possible…"  
"I know…"  
Sometimes things simply are the way they are, Syed knew. He hadn't expected anything else. It still hurt of course, but he'd known what would happen the minute he chose to come out and be with Christian. He'd be cast out, and would never be able to go home again.  
And still he'd made that choice. And would again in a heart beat.

Masood's next words soothed the pain somewhat.  
"You can't come home, but I will be around if you need me, that much I can promise… I don't know how, but we'll find a way..."  
"Thank you..." Syed whispered.

He bit his lip.  
"And….what about mum?" he finally risked the question he'd been dreading to ask.

"Your mother will need more time, Syed. It's harder for her."  
Masood smiled a little, regretfully. "She put you so high on a pedestal… and you've come crashing down really, really hard. It's rocked her world… She's going to need time… a lot of time, probably"  
Syed nodded. He knew his mother well enough to see the truth.  
"Your brothers…" Masood continued.  
"I know Tamwar's been to see you, and I'm not going to stop him from doing so again if he wants to. He's old enough to decide that for himself."  
"And Kamil… I'm not going to keep you from seeing him. But I can only speak for myself. A lot will depend on your mother. I will not lie to her or go behind her back, so… if she doesn't... " He shrugged.  
"I understand" Syed mumbled.

And suddenly there was nothing more to say.

Christian watched on as both men sat there, facing each other in silence. They were looking at each other cautiously, brown eyes examining brown eyes. So very much the same, Christian thought, with their dark eyes and hair... And yet so different. So close, and yet so far apart, he thought. But it filled his heart with hope. He knew that for Syed the heart-to-heart with his father would make a world of difference. He never said much about it, but Christian knew that Syed's relationship with his dad had been on rocky ground for most of his life. As far as he could tell, it had been filled with a lot of distrust, envy and misunderstandings. So it wasn't surprising that after his coming-out, Syed had expected only rejection from his father. Instead what he got was the closest thing to reconciliation he could have hoped for. Hopefully, Christian thought, it would only reinforce him in the knowledge that he had made the right decision.

"_I can see that you're at peace with yourself_" Masood had said, and Christian's heart had leapt up in his chest when he heard it. It had rung so true.  
Maybe Masood knew his son better than he thought he did.

"So... there we are…." Masood finally sighed at length. "It's not a lot, Syed, but it's the best I can do right now…"  
"It _is_ a lot, dad…" Syed whispered with a cracked voice. It was barely audible.

Masood allowed himself to smile inwardly at the small breakthrough they had just made. It gave him hope, deep down, that maybe in time and with continued effort he might be able to rebuild some kind of relationship with his eldest son.  
But it was still early days.  
"One step at a time" he repeated.  
He didn't want Syed to expect too much of him. He wasn't sure himself yet if he'd be able to keep the promises he just made.  
But he was going to try. For his own sanity and his own peace of mind, he knew he had to.  
He owed it to himself.  
And most of all, he owed it to Syed.

"I've got to go" he said and they both got up.  
Again father and son faced each other wordlessly, neither making an attempt to make the first move.

Then Masood suddenly reached out his hand. Syed was too stunned to act at once and clumsily returned his grasp.  
As their hands let go, reluctantly, Syed felt like he wanted to say a lifetime's worth, but instead he just stood there silently in front of Masood, shaking in quiet disbelief.

"I've got to go" Masood said again.

He turned to go, then changed his mind and turned back, briefly placing his hand on Syed's shoulder.  
Syed's heart skipped a beat. He and Masood had hardly ever touched each other in the past, except sometimes to shake hands, and they knew the depths of meaning this light touch held for them both.  
In this moment Syed loved his father more than he ever had and wished he knew the words to tell him that. But it was too soon. One day, somehow, he would do that, he promised himself. He would find a way. They both would.

"I'm glad you came, dad" was all he managed to say.  
His father's face didn't alter but he brought it down in an almost invisible, understanding nod.  
"So am I, son."

Nothing more was said.  
But it was enough for now.

**_0+0+0+0+0+0_**

**_ Thanks in advance for reviewing! It means a lot._**  
**_Probably 2 more chapters to follow... Watch this space._** ;-)


	29. Chapter 29

_Sorry that it's taken me so long to update. Other fic took over for a while...  
Hope you enjoy. More is to come soon._

**CHAPTER 29**

Syed just stood there, speechless, breathless, motionless... staring at the door that had quietly closed behind his father. Holding his breath, Christian was watching him, not sure what to do, or what to say. Then, tentatively Syed turned his way. His eyes, still moist and filled with emotion sought his, and a shy little smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. He let out a quivering sigh, and held out his hand. In just two steps Christian reached him and wrapped his arms around him in a tight, much needed hug. As Christian lightly kissed the top of his head, and stroked his hair, Syed laid his head against his strong shoulders and closed his eyes. They stood there, silently holding onto each other for a long while; Syed clearly too emotional to speak, and Christian not sure what he should say.

It was finally Syed who broke the silence, his voice hoarse from held-back emotions.  
"I didn't just dream that, did I?" he whispered against Christian's shoulder.  
"No, my love, you didn't". Christian squeezed him tightly."It really happened."  
"I never thought... I never thought that …. that this could … that he would..."  
He pulled back slightly and his eyes sought Christian's.  
"My dad..." he started, swallowed, tried again "My _dad_, Christian.." but the words got stuck in his throat, and overcome by emotions, he just shook his head helplessly, and buried his face back against Christian's shoulder. Christian said nothing, just held him, tracing soft comforting circles on his back.  
"I.. I don't have any illusions, Christian" Syed finally sighed. "I really don't... I know that despite his best intentions it's going to be almost impossible for my father to... to … come to terms with this. To keep the promises he made... It's just..."  
Again, the words caught in his throat.  
"It's just that he … that he's willing to _try_, Christian... And that.. Just _that_... "  
He shook his head.  
"It means so much. It's more... than I thought we'd ever have..."

He couldn't say any more. But he didn't need to. Christian simply understood. His eyes closed, he rested his head on Syed's, and drew him closer still. Syed sniffled a little and swallowed away the lump in his throat, accepting the much-needed comfort from the only person he trusted enough to take it from. He welcomed the reassurance of Christian's arms around him, and drew strength from their hug and their bodies so close together. Relief rippled through him and the tension slowly eased away. Christian felt him relax in his arms. How long they stood like that Christian wasn't sure, but he could happily have remained like that, holding his love so close to him, forever.

At last, Christian gently touched his cheek.  
"Sweetheart?" he whispered.  
"Hmm...?" Syed mumbled, still reluctant to let go of the calm that surrounded them both.  
"I was thinking..." Christian cleared his throat "I don't want to sound presumptuous or anything... but.. just before your dad came, you said it was nearly your time to pray... and I was wondering if..." He swallowed, feeling self-conscious suddenly.  
"Oh..." Syed lifted his head, and glanced at the clock. "Yes.. you're right. I should get ready to pray."  
He smiled and fondly nudged Christian's chin "And you're not presumptuous. You're very thoughtful, thank you." He moved in and pressed a soft kiss on Christian's lips.  
Christian sighed blissfully at his touch, then reluctantly started to disentangle himself from their embrace. He still held on to Syed's fingers, massaging them gently.  
"Let me give you some privacy then, I'll get out and leave you in peace" he said.  
"No..." Syed interrupted "you don't have to go... there's no need, Christian. I'll just go into the other room, like I said earlier... And then when Roxy arrives..."  
"I'll ring her and cancel" Christian insisted "She's nearly an hour late anyway and I don't particularly need that bag..."  
"Don't...!" Syed shook his head, and took Christian's face between his hands. "Seriously darling, there's no need. It's okay. I don't want you to feel like you have to put everything on hold every time I need to pray. And I don't want you to think you should leave the flat either. That wouldn't be fair on you, and it's just not necessary. Prayer is part of my daily life, and since I live _here_ now... it's going to be part of your life too, of _our_ life together. And I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or uneasy about it. Or go all overly cautious or guarded on me whenever it comes up... I realize this is all new to you... well, I guess it's new to both of us, but we'll figure it out..." He let his fingers run softly over that precious face.  
"We'll figure it out... Okay?"  
"Okay" Christian smiled.  
"Good. So.. in the meantime... I'm going into the other room to pray. You can welcome Roxy in here. And then when I'm finished, I'll join you... All right?"  
"All right..."  
"Okay then... I'll go and get ready now" Syed finally let go of Christian, and went to the blanket chest to collect his mat.  
In passing, he fondly touched Christian's arm.  
"See you in a bit"  
"I'll be waiting" Christian murmured.  
"I know you will"

0+0+0+0+0

Curled up in the corner of the sofa, feet tucked comfortably beneath him, Christian was trying to concentrate on the magazine in his lap, but his thoughts were wandering elsewhere.

Fathers.

Syed's emotional confrontation with Masood had stirred something inside him.

Dad.

Usually Christian didn't contemplate much about how he felt about his own father. There just didn't seem to be a point. His relationship with his dad had been rocky throughout the years. Maybe 'rocky' wasn't the most accurate word, the father-son bond between them had actually been fairly non-existent a lot of the time, even from his childhood... and whatever bond there had been, it had been tentative at best. His dad had just been his dad. The man in the house who joined them for breakfast, went to work, came home and had dinner with them. Then sat in the sofa to read the sports section and watch the footie, or went to the pub to have drinks with his mates.  
He was the man he called dad, but never got close to. He lived in the same house, they spoke on occasion, but that was usually about nothing more than the football results – which didn't interest Christian in the slightest – or the weather. His father just wasn't the kind of man you'd pour your heart out to.

And of course, after he'd come out, things hadn't exactly improved. After the initial drama it had caused... well, _he_ had caused... and quite deliberately too, Christian mused - and after he'd left home under a massive cloud, it had been even harder to re-connect. Much later, his dad had apologized, genuinely, for lashing out at him so violently, but that's as far as that went... After that, due to mutual stubbornness, the relationship with both his parents had all but ceased to exist. It had been hard. But it was just the way it was.  
Time went on, and he'd finally reconciled with his mum. His feelings towards his dad on the other hand had taken a turn for the worst. He'd lost all respect for the man, when he found out he'd cheated on his mother – and not just once.  
But then his mum had gone back to him, and they'd patched up their relationship, and in the end Christian had realized that he couldn't keep up this anger and bitterness forever. He couldn't leave it like this. He hadn't _wanted_ to leave it like this. He'd really wanted to try to forge some sort of connection with his father, because he'd felt it was important. So he'd mellowed a bit, and after a few awkward attempts to find common ground, they'd reached some understanding at last. Christian wasn't sure what or when the exact turning point had been for either of them, but he had managed to learn to understand his father a little more. In his heart he believed that he was a okay guy, but he also knew that he was an inadequate, not-so-good father and a lousy husband. He had come to terms with the fact that his dad would never be the father he'd wished for, and had finally stopped hoping that he ever would be. In the end he'd managed to accept him and their relationship as it was. But with his parents living at the other side of the world, it wasn't easy to maintain the connection. Phone conversations were typically awkward between father and son, they just didn't seem to be able to go beyond the 'hello', the 'how are you' and the 'I'll pass you over to mum'... There were still a lot of unresolved issues they'd never dealt with.

So if he was honest, Christian was envious of the conversation Syed had just had with his dad. It had hit closer to home than he was willing to admit. He'd never had a frank conversation with his father like that. And he regretted that, wondering if there was a chance he ever would.

For one, his dad had never really acknowledged that his son was gay. It just wasn't talked about. It was a non-issue. Not to be mentioned. Whether it was because his father just couldn't accept it, felt uncomfortable about it, or whether he saw it as some sort of failure on his part, Christian didn't know. He didn't see how he could find out, because no matter how outspoken and open he was himself, he didn't know how to get his dad to talk about it. So he had to learn to live with the fact that things between them would probably always be just like this, and that he may never find out what his dad really thought about him.

No matter how hard, heartbreaking, or bitter even, the conversation between Syed and his dad had been, at least Syed knew now that his dad loved him. And that was worth so much more than a few tears.  
All of it had stirred up feelings inside Christian he'd long thought forgotten. He felt restless suddenly. He tossed the magazine aside and went to fetch a cup of tea.

0+0+0+0

Syed shut the door behind him quietly. Christian didn't hear him. He was sitting on the sofa with his feet up in front of him, backlit from the soft light coming in from the window. He was toying with the tea cup in his hand and pretending to read the magazine on his lap.  
Syed smiled. This was a scene he had witnessed more times than he could ever begin to remember in the past few days, and just watching the man he loved, he felt his heart soar again.

He stepped slowly into the room, not wanting to startle the other man.  
"Christian..." he said softly.  
Christian looked up, his eyes starting to shine when he saw Syed.  
"Come..." he smiled, and reached out his hands toward him.  
As Syed walked up to the sofa, he could feel his lover's eyes watching him, with that eager face and those trusting green-blue eyes, checking his every move, looking at his body, and he felt a jolt of happiness rushing through him. When he reached him, their hands entwined naturally. Syed just stood there in front of him for a moment, breathless suddenly, looking down at that precious man, only to find enraptured eyes gazing back at him.  
"Hey you" he whispered softly.  
"Hey" Christian smiled. He lifted one of Syed's hands to his lips, and tenderly kissed its palm.  
"Come... sit with me" he said, and gently pulled Syed down beside him.  
Syed settled down, and nestled close, his head resting against Christian's chest. Christian slid his arms around his waist and hugged him to his side.

They sat together in silence for a long time, simply content in each other's company. Then Christian spoke again, very softly.  
"Are you okay, darling?" He dropped a gentle kiss on top of Syed's hair. It suddenly occurred to him that those three words were the basis for most of the conversations they'd been having lately.  
"Yes. _Yes_, I am…" was Syed's simple answer, and Christian believed him. Syed's voice was quiet but firm, and his body felt relaxed against his.

Christian looked down and thoughtfully studied Syed's face, his eyes closed, the trace of a smile lingering on his lips. The sight of such beautiful calmness moved him unexpectedly.  
"This is probably a strange thing to say, Sy, but... " he cleared his throat, "It's just... I noticed last time too. You seem … _different_ ... after you've prayed." he said hesitantly. "I don't know... More content... Calmer, somehow..." He shook his head in embarrassment. "Sorry.. I'm rambling..."  
"No, you're not..." Syed smiled and shifted to look at Christian "You're right. I do feel different after I've prayed. I just didn't know you'd notice that..."  
"Well... I make it my job to notice everything about you"  
"Yes... You always do, don't you...?  
He tried to find the words. "It's... hard to ... explain... The outside world just seems to fade ..." He chuckled when Christian stirred "Not _you_ though... don't worry... you could never fade..." He nudged the other man playfully.  
Then he buried his head against Christian's shoulder again and sighed.  
"But seriously... It's true... Praying... helps me … I helps me to focus my thoughts on what's really important, clear my head of all my worries and insecurities. I speak to Allah, and ask him for help, guidance, and protection. I praise him for the blessings he gives me and my loved ones. Praying helps me feel peaceful when I am sad. When I feel bad or scared, or whenever I need help, I pray. And I do too whenever something good happens in my life... And afterwards, I do feel calmer about myself, strengthened by the knowledge that Allah loves me. I feel focussed_,_ rejuvenated, energized... And resolved,... I can think more positive, and I feel less worried, because I know Allah going to help me..."

Syed stopped himself. Suddenly he felt embarrassed. He'd never spoken with such passion about his faith to Christian. It had been such a stumbling block between them in the past, when they couldn't be together. He'd hidden behind his beliefs, and Christian had resented that. He couldn't blame him. They were way past that now, he knew, especially after their talk yesterday. Christian giving him the prayer mat had shown him just how far past that they actually were. It was a wonderful feeling, and yet... he still felt weary talking about all this... He looked up shyly, and saw Christian watching him intently.  
"Sorry..." he mumbled. "I'm getting carried away..."  
"No...!" Christian interrupted. "Don't! Don't hold back... I really love hearing you talk about it. It helps me understand. Understand _you_... And I want to know _everything_ about you. You know that, don't you?"  
"Yeah..." Syed smiled a little.  
Christian's arm tightened around him_. _"I'm glad that you find comfort in your faith. I don't have that, but I'm glad that it helps you, Sy_. _I really am..."  
"Thank you, Christian. It means a lot"  
Syed snuggled closer into his boyfriend's warm embrace.

He noticed the unfamiliar bag leaning against the edge of the bed.  
"So... Roxy's been and gone then?" he asked.  
"Hmmmm..." Christian mumbled.  
"That was quick... But wait... hang on... I didn't hear the buzzer" Syed turned to Christian with a puzzled look on his face "Christian? How come didn't I hear the buzzer"  
But Christian looked down.  
"Christian...? Don't tell me you..."  
"I called her and told her to text me when she was downstairs, so that I could let her in without her having to sound the buzzer..." Christian admitted, a little flushed "I … I didn't want it to disturb you while you... prayed..." he shrugged, feeling shy now. Syed had to smile.  
"Oh, Christian..." he shook his head "There really was no need for that..." he lovingly touched the other man's face and lifted his chin to make him look up "But it's such a sweet thing to do... Thank you."  
He pressed a soft kiss on Christian's lips.  
"But she didn't stay long, did she...? Did she have other plans? "  
But Christian looked away again, and Syed understood. There was no evidence in the room of Roxy having been anywhere near the flat. He rolled his eyes "You... you didn't even invite her in, did you..? Christian...! I _told_ you... "  
Christian shifted uncomfortably.  
"I just said it wasn't a good time right now"  
"But..."  
"It's okay... We re-arranged for tomorrow. I just thought..." Christian sighed, took Syed's hand in his and squeezed it tenderly "I just thought … after what happened earlier... that you might prefer some peace... a bit of quiet time... just us..." He smiled ruefully "Instead of having to entertain Roxy and face up to a barrage of her... probably indiscreet... questions"  
Syed saw the genuine gentleness in Christian's eyes, and felt his heart melt. Leaning up, he kissed Christian's lips tenderly.  
"You really _are_ amazing, you know."  
"I'm glad you finally noticed," Christian said dryly, and Syed smiled to himself, wondering how he had gotten so lucky to have this wonderful man in his life.

They simply sat together in silence for a while, each wrapped in their own thoughts.  
"So... How are you feeling about your dad now?" Christian finally asked, tentatively. He didn't want to upset Syed, but he was anxious to know he was all right. Syed sighed, and pulled Christian's arms closer around him, as if drawing strength from him.  
"I… I still can't quite believe what happened. I feel so… I don't know… Happy… Amazed… Blown away... I thought he'd hate me, Christian, I thought he did hate me… But now... He said that… he said that he… won't turn his back on me, that he'll... _be_ there for me if I need him... and … I never thought…" he swallowed. "After everything that happened between us in the past…. Not even in my wildest dreams had I ever imagined he'd say that. And _mean_ it. I do know he _means_ it, Christian…"

Giving in to his natural need to hold him as close as possible, Christian's arms tightened around Syed. He felt the other man tremble, a shiver running over his spine. And he understood. He'd always known how important his family was to Syed, and he could only imagine what it had cost him to walk away from them to be with him. It was a testimony to his love for him that he'd done that, knowing full well what the consequences would be. To find now that Syed hadn't lost quite as much as he'd feared he would, filled Christian with joy.  
"It's the weirdest thing…" Syed continued, the lump in his throat making his voice sound husky. "Me and my dad… we've never been further apart than we are now... , our differences are so deep and… so… insurmountable … and yet… somehow… I've never felt closer to him than I did today…."  
"That's because you really talked today, Sy… And really listened to each other…"  
"Yeah…" Syed sighed. "We've always been so busy resenting each other that we never really took the time to properly listen, to see the other's point of view… It's like at last I can really see my dad, Christian…for the first time" he whispered, struggling to keep the tears away. "And I've never… ever loved him more than I do right now, …"  
"And he loves you, Sy" Christian assured him "He's always loved you. Maybe he didn't know how to show you, or how to tell you... And maybe he still doesn't... But he doesn't hate you. He's your dad, Sy, how could he hate you?"  
Syed shrugged. "I don't know... Me and him.. it's always been… difficult…"  
He tentatively looked up "I just don't want to get my hopes up too high, Christian… As I said, I don't have any illusions. I know I can't hope for too much … But... it's a start… I guess..."  
"Yeah… it is, darling... it definitely is…"

0+0+0+0

They sat together in silence for a long while, resting comfortably. Just enjoying the feeling of each other's warm body close against their own. At last, Christian stirred, wondering if perhaps Syed had dozed off.  
"Sy..?." he whispered, reluctant to disturb the calm that surrounded them.  
"Hmm..." Came Syed's murmured reply.  
"Do you want to talk...?" Christian enquired.  
"Uh-hmm..." Syed responded, moving his head slightly to indicate that he didn't. Instead he placed his hand against Christian chest, silently conveying the message that he should remain still. Christian, more than willing to comply, released a contented sigh and settled his arm firmer around him, holding him close. He felt a lump form in his throat, as he felt pure and complete contentment coming at him in waves. It was something he had never known, never hoped to know... before Syed – just being happy, holding the one you love.

Suddenly Syed broke the silence.  
"I know what it is that you want to ask me, Christian..." he said quietly.  
"Sorry...?"  
"You asked if I wanted to talk... You want to know how it was like … all those years… those 11 years…. don't you?"  
Christian sighed. Syed did read him well.  
"Look, darling.. it's okay… if you don't want to talk about it… that's all right. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.. "  
"But I _do_ want to tell you… I don't want to have any secrets for you, Christian. I want you to know everything about me. I know I can tell you everything…" He swallowed... "It's just…" A deep sigh filled his chest as the unwelcome memories flooded back in his mind "It's still very … _raw_… You'd think after all that time, after everything I went through, and considering where I am right now… you'd think it would have faded a bit by now.. but… it hasn't…. and…"  
"It's okay, Sy.. you really don't have to tell me if you're not up to it..."  
"But I _want_ to..!" He shivered a little, and swallowed hard.  
"I… I'm just... _scared_ to tell you, Christian" he blurted out.  
"Scared...?" Christian was astounded. "But why...?"  
"Because... Because it will _hurt_ you... The way I used to think. I feel so ashamed… about the way I thought back then… Looking back… I... I was a bigot myself, Christian... "  
"No... Sy.. you were just confused..."  
"Yes, I was confused, I know I was... but.. I was a bigot too! I thought... I believed that... being gay was wrong, unacceptable... That gay people were... freaks..." He closed his eyes, because it pained him to say it. "I cringe when I think about that, I feel so ashamed... I'm _so_ sorry, Christian..."  
"Sy... please... don't be so hard on yourself... It's what you were taught... and you're not that person anymore"  
"No...but..."  
"It's in the past, Sy... It's _gone_, it doesn't matter..."  
"But it _does_. It _does_!" It suddenly hit him hard. "It's why I've felt miserable half my life... _hating_ myself for being different... I loathed myself, Christian. I really loathed myself for feeling the way I felt... , and... and I loathed people … like you... gay people... I … I blamed them, cursed them for the way they made me feel... For tempting me_... " _

The memories came back to him in full force. It was like being kicked in the teeth. All the pain and frustration he'd been keeping inside, fought their way to the front of his mind again. He buried his face in the crook of Christian's neck. He didn't want to go back there.  
He didn't...  
He just didn't...

Christian could tell that Syed was on the verge of crying again, and would have given everything to take this burden from him. He felt like crying himself. The heavy load of tradition and expectation that his faith and his family had pinned on Syed's shoulders from the day he was born would have crippled a lesser soul, but though he had faltered, Syed had come out of it in the end. Not unscathed of course, not by a long shot... but he was happier, stronger now, Christian knew. He just hoped that Syed was strong enough to let go of all the pain that had been crippling him most of his life. It would be so great if he could...

Syed took a deep breath and lifted his head, forcefully rubbing the palms of his hands over his face in angry frustration. Christian could feel how tense his body was from trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.  
"I don't want to cry anymore, Christian" Syed whispered angrily, despair in his voice. "I'm so _tired _of crying, I just don't want to feel like this anymore..."  
"It's okay to cry, my love. It really is..." Christian hushed him, brushing away a strand of hair from Syed's face.  
"No...! I've cried enough!" he protested, but his resolve was already wavering.  
"Just cry..." Christian said, pulling him closer in his embrace, " it's okay...you can let it go..."  
Syed stubbornly shook his head.  
"Sweetheart, you've held all this back for such a long, long time. Hiding it inside you, pushing it away... and it's been eating away at you. It's time to let it go. You need to let it go, Sy. It's the only way it'll stop hurting..."  
"No..." Syed whispered defensively  
"Yes..." Christian insisted "Let it go..."  
"I can't..."  
"Shhhh... Let it go..."  
His arm tightened around him, bringing Syed close. "I've got you." he whispered against his ear.  
Christian kept moving his hand up and down in a soothing motion until he felt the tension slowly began to leave the muscles of Syed's back. "Just let it all out." he whispered, barely audible. At last, exhausted, Syed rested his cheek against Christian's chest, and wept.  
"That's right." Christian murmured quietly "You can cry, my love..."  
He held Syed close, feeling his tears soak the material of his t-shirt.  
It didn't matter.

0+0

When the tears subsided a little and Syed was softly hiccuping his breathing back to normal, Christian carefully shifted them both so they lay spooned on the large sofa. Syed gratefully lay back his head against Christian's shoulder and settled against him. Christian slipped his arm around his waist and held him tight, trying to make him feel safe.

He closed his eyes and wearily leaned his head against Syed's. His heart fluttered nervously, and he struggled to stay calm. Deep down he knew that Syed needed to do this, and he was determined to help him through it... but he was nervous about hearing all the details of Syed's painful past. Seeing Syed so upset made him sad, and he wasn't sure how if he was going to find the right words to comfort him. But maybe he needn't use words... If he knew a way to rip those memories from Syed's mind, he would, but this was the next best thing. Just be here for him. And listen.  
"Just know that I'm here for you, darling... " he whispered softly. "You can tell me anything,... Anything, Sy... But only if you're ready..."

Syed lay quietly in his arms, sobs now gone, leaving only a few silent tears coursing down his face. He heard Christian's quiet plea and felt him lean his head against his, but he still wasn't sure if he was ready yet to give voice to the feelings of fear and shame that had been his only company for such a large part of his life.  
"What is there to tell...?" He asked shakily.  
"Whatever you want to share, love... It doesn't matter what..."  
Syed closed his eyes and felt some of the tension drain from him. Maybe he really needed to give in, to his need to talk about this. Christian was right, he had held it all in way too long... Maybe he really was finally ready get it all off his chest. He knew that Christian would be there for him, that he'd support him, hear him, listen to him... But still he hesitated.  
"Why?" He asked quietly "What does it matter... now that it is over... You said it... It's in the past.."  
"Because it will never really be over, until you can let it go, Sy..."  
Syed's fingers nervously fluttered over Christian's arms that were wrapped around his waist. Haltingly he started to speak.  
"It's just... I... Everything that ever went wrong in my life, I've blamed on those feelings. On that terrible, sinful weakness that I couldn't control... On fearing, thinking, feeling, realizing, knowing that.. that I'm gay... Everything was always brought back to that... Every disappointment, every failure, every setback, every calamity... it was always about that … For years I kept going through the typical cycle of... of being tempted, trying to resist, giving in, sinning again, feeling guilty and shameful again, turning back to my faith, begging Allah for forgiveness, then being tempted again... Round and round I went... I was fighting myself all the time..."  
He swallowed hard.  
"Don't misunderstand me, Christian. I trust you and I know I can tell you anything, but... I'm afraid to relive it." he admitted. "And I don't know if I want you to have to hear it. I..." He broke off as another sob bubbled upwards, choking off his words. "I don't want to fight myself any more..." He felt a tear slide down his cheek, followed by another. He closed his eyes despairingly, but he already knew there was no escape. Christian needed to know; and more than that... he needed to say it.  
"Then don't... Don't fight, love..." Christian clutched Syed even tighter, and whispered in his ear. "I'm right here with you, Sy, you're not alone"

Syed took a deep breath, took Christian's hands in his and let their fingers intertwine. After a long while, he started to talk quietly.  
"I... I don't really know where to begin..."

0+0+0+0

_Reviews as always much appreciated. _  
_Thank you everyone for your patience, your kind words and your encouragments. It means a lot. _  
_The next part is on its way, promise ;-)_

_0+0+0+0_

_ Author's Note. _I know this story gets cheesy, and I won't apologize for it. Please remember this is an AU. Time-wise we are in the spring of 2010 and if you've read the previous chapters, you know that the boys have only been together properly for less than a week. There are still many issues unresolved, they are still seeking closure on what happened int the past. That's why it gets very emotional – probably too emotional at times. They talk a lot, they cry a lot... That's just how this story works for me. And it will continue to do so until it's reached its natural end... which is getting close. Thank you for your patience & your support.


	30. Chapter 30

___A/N : It took me a really long time to write this chapter. Not because I didn't know what I wanted to write, but because I didn't know how to write it. It had been planned from the very start, because Syed telling his story is such an integral part of this fic – it just had to be in here. But for that very same reason, I was quite nervous about writing it, and now... after re-thinking, re-writing, re-tweaking it for the millionth time, I'm still nervous about posting it... _

___So a big thank you to ____**Clarkeyfangirl**____, who has been so very kind to check it over for me, and point me in the right direction with her kind comments. This one is dedicated to you, hun!_

___Also, big hugs to everyone over at **WFCTGIO**. We're at the start of a new and difficult chapter in the lives of Chryed on screen – but we must keep the faith.  
Because ____**Love Always Prevails.**_

_Oh... and be aware... Syed telling his story is bound to be emotional. So if you don't like emotional this may not be for you... ;-)  
____Thank you to you all for sticking by me and by this story for so long.  
Chryedians are the best x_

0+0+0+0+0

**CHAPTER 30**

Suddenly Syed couldn't keep still anymore. He couldn't just lie there quietly in Christian's arms and just tell his story. It really wasn't as easy as that. It wasn't easy at all. It was nearly impossible. He'd never told anyone any of this. His heart was pounding. His mind was racing... . He needed some... air...

He clumsily disentangled himself from Christian's embrace and got up. His knees buckled and quickly he lowered himself on the edge of the bed. For a long moment he just sat there staring at his hands, clasping them together in his lap in a vain attempt to steady himself. All the while Christian said nothing. He hadn't tried to stop him. He understood that Syed needed space. When Syed finally looked up, he was still there where he'd left him, on the sofa,watching him with a gentle smile on his face. Despite the physical distance Syed was creating, their connection was still very tangible. It was as if a strong, invisible cord held them together.  
Syed drew strength from it. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and haltingly started talking.

"In some way, I guess I always knew that I was different. When my friends in school talked about girls, I stayed quiet, embarrassed. I was about 14, 15 when... when I began to realize that I was attracted to boys... My faith, my family, my school taught against homosexuality and the possibility that Allah might have created us this way. So I was completely floored and devastated by the thought that I might be...like _that_...

But... I couldn't stop it... Thoughts would creep into my mind without me even knowing it. Stupid, evil,... filthy thoughts. I'd catch myself staring at my classmates in the shower after swim class... or find myself admiring the muscles on some guy filling the shelves at the supermarket, and I'd fantasize over an actor on TV who'd make my stomach flutter... I remember one occasion... My friends were gushing over some adult magazine, and I was horrified to realize that these beautiful semi-naked women had absolutely no sexual appeal to me... Even when I tried really hard to block them out, sometimes even... even trying to _physically_ knock the visions out of my head, those horrible thoughts still crept back in. I was so plagued by guilt that I felt like my world was falling apart. I really hated myself, but I couldn't stop it..."

He swallowed hard.  
"All my life, Christian, it had been drilled into me that a 'normal person' is a straight one. I was raised into thinking homosexuality was a choice, was wrong and unacceptable... That nothing was considered more sinful than the twisted desire of one man for another. I knew I was a sinner... just by thinking the things I thought... So I pushed it away, I fought it, as hard as I could... I hoped it was just a phase, a fluke that puberty had thrown at me which would disappear once I grew older. I thought that if I found the right girl, I would be able to banish any homosexual thoughts I might have had. I was wrong. It didn't go away.  
I became insecure, and very afraid. I felt so alone. I just wanted to be free from these thoughts and feelings. I thought that it was disgusting... that _I_ was disgusting... and I was convinced that I greatly displeased my God. At the same time though, I trusted that through Allah, all things were possible. So I prayed to him to help me overcome this. I begged him for help..."

His voice was barely beyond a whisper now. Choked.

"You know that my faith and relationship to God have always been crucial in my life, Christian. I told you... just now... how prayer eases my mind... But it wasn't always like that... Not in those days it wasn't... In my worst of times, to my shame, it was not the glorification of Allah and the blessings of the Prophet that were first and foremost on my mind when I prayed.. I prayed over and over for God to stop my attraction to men... to take away the burden of my … misguided feelings... But he never did. No matter how much I prayed, worshipped, and begged Allah to heal me, he was not taking it away. I was horrified that these... feelings... were preventing me from living my fullest as a good Muslim. I was so ashamed... I didn't feel worthy of Allah's love for me. And at the same time I started to doubt if he really loved me at all... If he did, then why … why was he putting me through this? What had I done to deserve this? I nearly... I almost... lost my faith over it... And that only made me hate myself even more... How _weak_ was I?"

Syed's voice trailed off until there was silence, broken only by the catching of his breath. He rubbed his hands over his face.  
Christian knew how hard it had to be for Syed to admit to this. His faith was so deeply ingrained in him, in who he was, and in how he lived his life. Facing up to his life-defining doubts had to be terribly upsetting for him.

Ignoring the tightness in his throat though, Syed forged ahead with his story. Now that he had found his voice, he couldn't stop. All the things he had kept bottled up inside him for so long were pushing to get out.

"I was constantly in a state of fear" he said quietly "that someone would discover that I had these sinful feelings. In school, at mosque... even just going out, walking down the street, in a crowd, I feared that someone would see what a terrible abomination I was. So I shunned away from any form of deep relationship, out of fear that they might find out the truth about me... I started to build this huge... wall … around myself... . That was one of the worst things … how it separated me from anyone I'd ever cared about... my friends, my family... Not because of anything they had done, but I couldn't relate to them anymore. I shut them out, never let them get close..."  
He chuckled bitterly. "Don't get me wrong... I _did_ have friends, I _did_ hang out with the usual crowd, pretending everything was perfectly fine... but it was always superficial... it was just … a lie, really. On the outside I appeared happy and outgoing, on the inside I was in a constant state of turmoil. There was no one... no one I could talk to about this. I couldn't let them know what was really going on in my mind, so I lied, pretended... I could never relax, never let my guard down. Always making sure never to give anything away..."

His head bowed and his eyes fixed on the floor, Syed took another shivering breath. His voice was catching as he struggled on.

"My first year at uni was the time that my armour of self-deception began to crack for real. For a very long time, all this had only happened in my head. There had been moments when I'd almost forgotten about it, when I'd almost managed to push it away effectively. I had never acted on any of my impulses. But it became unbearable. I needed to know. This had been going on for … three years and more... This wasn't a puberty fluke anymore... I was nearly 18 by then. Why was I still feeling like this? Was it just my imagination, or was it real...? Did I really want the things I thought I wanted, or was I just fooling myself? If there ever was a time to find out, this was it. Away from home, finding a new freedom I'd never had before... I …. The first time I gave in to it... It was... I mean, I had never even _kissed_ a guy... in fact, I'd never kissed _anyone_, and here I was, with the first gay guy I had ever met, twice my age... and... he.. and I... I was... "  
Syed spoke rapidly now, his voice rushed and breathless as if he was scared that if he stopped talking, or even slowed down, he'd lose his bottle to continue. But then he did anyway.

"I can't... I can't talk about it, Christian... I just can't.." he breathed.  
Christian sensed his torment. All through Syed's story, he'd had to stop himself from rushing to his side. Now he couldn't bear it any longer. In three steps he was with Syed, crouching in front of him, and took his trembling hands in his. He squeezed them gently.  
"You don't have to, Sy" he assured him quietly. "You don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to talk about, my love... I swear to you, it's okay..."  
Syed took a deep breath. His eyes were clenched shut as if he wanted to block out the images that came back to him.

Christian waited patiently, just softly rubbing his thumbs over Syed's palms. He knew what Syed was feeling right now, reliving memories of such a significant moment in his life. Christian vividly remembered his own first time... the trembling, heart-pounding, sweaty-palmed excitement... but also the nerves, the fear... the pain...  
The pain.  
"Did you...?" the words escaped him before he had a chance to think them through.  
Syed's eyes flew open.  
"Sorry..." Christian quickly reassured him "I wasn't... I wasn't trying to..." He sighed. "I just want to know...I just need to know... that it... that it was okay, Sy... that... that you were safe... that you didn't get hurt.. That he didn't hurt you..."  
He couldn't bear the thought that on top of the emotional turmoil Syed had no doubt suffered during his first sexual encounter, he would also have had to endure the physical pain such an experience almost certainly entailed. Syed's eyes softened when he saw the worry on Christian's face and realised the motivation behind his awkward question.  
"Oh Christian" he whispered. He reached out with trembling fingers and softly touched the other man's cheek.  
"It was okay, Christian. Honest. He..." Syed took a deep breath "he was... experienced. He knew I wasn't. And he was... kind... and ... careful. I … I was lucky. Really, it was okay..."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah... And one day..." Syed said "I might... I might even find the words to tell you about it... If... if you want to know at least"  
"I want to know everything about you.. everything you're willing to tell me..."  
"But not just yet." Syed sighed "I can't..."  
"Okay, my love" Christian squeezed Syed's hand one more time and got up, wanting to return to the sofa to give him some space again, but Syed held on and stopped him.  
"Sit with me, Christian" he implored.

Christian sat down beside him, put his arm around his shoulder, and pulled him gently to his side. He softly stroked Syed's hair, and his fingers lingered on the warm skin of his neck to massage the tension away. Syed smiled and curled his hands around Christian's arm, hugging it to him, and rested his head on his shoulder. They sat like that for a while. Quiet surrounded them, along with a sense of intimacy that Syed realized he'd only ever known in the arms of this man. His thoughts drifted to how different things were now, compared to his lonely teenage years. He finally knew how it felt to fit somewhere, to finally have a place where he belonged.

He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to find back the thread of his story...

"It had been a long time coming, and I finally let it happen ... I allowed myself... at last... to let go and give in to my feelings... it was... it was one of the most intense experiences ever... it was so completely overwhelming... I was scared witless the whole time, and after … after...  
I ran as if the devil was chasing me. When I got home, I rushed into the shower, wanting to wash all that dirtiness away... I stayed in there for hours. I felt so lost. And it was in that shower that I admitted it to myself for the very first time. The words just rolled out of my mouth..."_I'm gay_..." It started out almost as a question, and then reality hit. It hurt so much. I was so mad. Why did I have to deal with this in my life? It wasn't fair. All I wanted was to be normal. I cried like a child. Out of anger, out of fear, out of despair, out of a self-hate that you can't even begin to imagine. But also out of relief. For finally allowing myself to feel and experience what I'd craved for so long... It was like I'd broken an invisible ban inside me, all these things I'd buried away inside had finally come to the surface. It was the first time I had faced and acted on what I truly felt inside... And I finally knew the truth...

But the relief was short-lived. The guilt and shame were too overwhelming. I... I just loathed myself. For giving in... to that sick curiosity and to lust and to... these foolish, filthy urges. I felt like a complete let-down and I couldn't forgive myself for not being able to control my … desires…. In hindsight, I know that I just didn't want to face the truth. The truth being, that I didn't really regret what had happened. That I wanted it to happen again. That I liked it. A lot. No matter how disgusting and dirty I felt... part of me just wanted more! But I would never... ever... admit that to myself... I pushed it away, determined to forget it. Denial is an amazing coping method, you know... Well, it is for a while, anyway..."

He swallowed hard.

"After what happened, the truth became just impossible to ignore. What I had done, what I had _felt_ that night hovered over me like Damocles' sword. Knowing what I knew now, I realized that it was only going to be a matter of time before I gave in to temptation again. And I was right. It was only weeks afterwards that I... went astray again... And while my first mistake at least I could sort of … _excuse_... to a certain extent... blame it on temptation and ill-advised curiosity... the second time was just plainly unforgivable. It was also a disaster. Not because I got hurt or was in any kind of danger or anything... but... the whole experience was just … awful. He was even less experienced than I was... if that's even possible... We both had no clue what we were doing, and … well... it was... really bad... It was clumsy and awkward and it felt totally wrong. To this day, I regret that night..."

"And things just went from bad to worse after that" he continued quietly "A short time later, I went to a gathering at mosque. An elder spoke of sin... and as coincidence would have it... he also talked of the damnation of homosexuals. I felt singled out in the audience – it was as if he was directing his words to _me_. I was so deeply ashamed. I thought everyone could see it in my face, what an abomination I was, what I had _done_... this despicable, unforgivable sin... And I didn't do it just once... but _twice_...!

This didn't feel like coincidence to me, it felt like a _sign_... I'd use to pride myself in being the _'golden child'_ and I had always strived to make those who cared about me proud. I'd never wanted to be a disappointment or get in trouble, and I'd always wanted my actions to be pleasing to my parents and to my God... So I decided there and then that I could never allow myself to sin again.  
So I began to overcompensate. You know me. It's what I do. It's how I cope... I overcompensated to win people's approval, doing _whatever_ it took for them to like me. I became involved _too_ much in _too_ many things, keeping myself busy... I forced myself to become chirpy and happy and outgoing... I laughed too loudly at jokes, talked too much... I became the life and soul... And I dated girls. They liked me, and I pretended to like them... I went to extremes to prove to everyone that I was the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect Muslim... the perfect _man_. A _real_ man. I couldn't be proud of myself anymore, so I did everything I could to make others proud of me.  
Coming back home after uni, I threw myself on the business, hungrily, voraciously... almost desperately, again trying to assert myself... as the best possible son..."

He sighed "You know what happened next, Christian... I took it too far. The whole money stealing thing... All I ever wanted to do was prove that I was a clever business man... Instead, it blew up in my face. And I lost... everything... Instead of making my parents proud, I was forced to leave home, and I ended up... being in exactly the situation I'd been spending the last few years trying to avoid … _Alone_..."

Syed's voice trailed off as the memories crashed in on him again. His heart was thundering. Trying to regain some of his composure, he rose unsteadily to his feet and stalked over to the window. It was starting to get dark outside. Staring out, but not seeing anything, he leaned his forehead against the window and tried to slow his breathing to a normal pace.

Christian was silently watching him. From across the room, he could see Syed fighting for self-control. He wished he could put his arms around him and assure him that everything was okay. But he knew that wasn't what Syed needed right now. What Syed needed was for him just to just be here and listen. So that Syed could finally put the past to rest.

Syed suppressed a tearful lump rising in his throat. He tightly clutched his fists and shoved them into his pockets, willing himself not to cry.  
Without turning around he spoke softly…

"Living on my own … being... lonely... Temptation became even harder to resist. But I did resist. Of course I did. I was _so_ angry... It was those wretched … gay … feelings that had caused all this in the first place... No way I was going to let myself go back there.  
It was tough... living alone... I told you before what it was like, Christian... I ate, I slept, I breathed... life went on... I became really good at pretending everything was just fine. But I felt invisible and … empty. During the day, all smiles and pretence. At night... with only the memories of the past to keep me company...I was so lonely, Christian..."

A sob escaped his lips.

"And not just that. I was so... angry. Everything always came back to _that_. To what I had _done_, to who I knew, deep down, that I was. At night I'd lie awake, tormented by guilt... I'd pray that I would wake up and just be ... a normal, straight guy... Instead each morning I had to face the fact that I was still alone, still different... still _not_ normal. No matter how hard I resisted, it never left me. I know now that I was just deluding myself..."

He sighed "And then I couldn't run from it any longer..." Restless again, Syed started to pace the room.

"So one night after work, I walked into a gay bar. I'd passed that place a hundred times already and so far I had been able to hold back my curiosity, my urge to go in. But that night I couldn't stop myself. It wasn't really on purpose that I went in, but it wasn't by accident either. I told myself later that I hadn't expected anything, hadn't wanted anything from going there... I had just wanted to put off the walk home, to that... empty flat,... so I'd stopped for a drink... It was a ridiculous excuse, because I don't drink... but I was drawn to that place, like a moth to the flame...

I was shocked to see a man I knew from work sitting at the bar. Not a colleague, but a guy who worked for one of our client firms. My first instinct was to turn and run, but he'd already seen me. And there was something in the way he looked at me, that told me that my secret was safe. Because I realized that it was his secret too. I knew he was married, I'd met his wife... he wasn't supposed to be there either.

I went with him... and for the first time in such a long time I felt alive again. Someone actually _touched_ me... No one had touched me in so long... After all that numbness and emptiness, I felt as if could finally breathe again. The feeling was amazing... And yet... as always...I was disgusted with myself and very afraid... I wanted to run again. But he wouldn't let me go. Sensing my confusion and... I guess... my loneliness too, he implored me to stay. And I did. I didn't want to be alone... even if it was just for one night. He didn't say or do anything, he just held me, and I was so grateful to him for being so patient with me.

In hindsight, I think he was probably as lonely as I was. He told me a little of how his life was like. A sad, lonely life, he said. Married to a beautiful wife, two lovely teenage children, a good job, his own house... he had everything to live for and be happy about. Except that he'd known all his life that he was gay... Out of fear of hurting his parents, he'd never come out. The longer he waited, the more impossible it became, and the more unhappy he felt. Unable at last to ignore his true feelings, he'd taken to secretly going out, cruising bars and cinemas, picking up random men, taking them to sleazy hotel rooms to have anonymous sex. He was spending his life lying to everyone dear to him. It was a frightening tale. It was like I was seeing myself in 20 years' time, and it terrified me. As if he could read my mind, he warned me not to make the same mistakes he had made. "_Don't run from who you are_" he said.

When he finally fell asleep, I slipped away. I felt regret at that, it didn't seem fair after he'd been so kind to me – but I had no choice. I couldn't stay. We both knew that. I wished I'd had the guts to talk to him, but there was... no way... Talking about it would make it real. And I couldn't face that yet...

But something changed after that ... The things he had said to me kept going round and round in my head... I was so tired of trying to be what I was not, and of ignoring the thing inside me that I knew was what I was truly all about. It took the words of a stranger to realize it. I could admit it to myself, in my head, but never aloud, never to a living soul... I did start to wonder though. Maybe I should just go with what I felt... What did it matter anyway? Who _cared_ anyway...? It's not as if my parents cared... I was dead to them. And no matter how hard I was praying, my God wasn't taking my gay feelings away... Perhaps he didn't care either?  
Would I dare? Was I really willing to give up everything? Even my faith? I was all over the place, I didn't know what to do... My resolve was wavering, and then it faltered altogether shortly afterwards...

I came to London for an international convention for work. During the reception on the first night, there was this guy... from one of the foreign firms... I caught his eye, he caught mine... I didn't think about it twice. It happened in a blur. I just let myself go. He invited me to his room. I went with him willingly. I didn't think. I just did. Even though it was meaningless anonymous sex – I never even knew his name – I'd never felt more alive than I did that night. Even though I still hated what I was doing, still hated myself for doing it... _This_ was what I wanted. And I knew it.  
And just then, when I finally thought I knew how to move on... Reality found its way of creeping up on me again..."

He chuckled bitterly "The very next day, I got on that bus ... and ran into my parents... for the first time in 3 years... **(*)** Well... that was it, wasn't it? That sealed the deal. I told you, Christian, that I made a vow that day... that I would never, ever hurt my parents again. So I made the only decision possible. It had to stop. I had to stop making those … mistakes. I had to stop dreaming of those forbidden things.  
From then on, what _I_ wanted, what _I felt_ … didn't matter anymore. From that moment, all that mattered was being a _good_ boy. Being the kind of son my parents could be proud of. Seeing them again after all that time opened my eyes to my reality again. My future was clear. If I ever wanted to have a chance of going home, of being their son again, I had to make sure that I was worthy of that chance... I had to do everything I could to make that happen. And that included burying those … bad thoughts I'd been having... _for good_..."

Syed paused. He leaned against the edge of the sofa and took a deep breath.

"So what could I do?" he shrugged. "I reverted back to type... put the mask firmly into place... retreated back to my smooth, suave, ladies' man persona that had served me so well in the past... I dated girls, and just lived a lie. And somehow... it worked. It paid off. After four long years, I was allowed to come home.  
After that, it seemed easier to stay away from temptation. I was motivated. I couldn't afford any more of those mistakes. So I kept my feelings firmly in check, and even managed to restrain myself from any gay thoughts. I actually started to believe that I had indeed been 'healed' from homosexuality... That it was finally over."

Silence fell for a moment. Neither spoke, as they both tried to gather their thoughts.

"And then... Then _you_ walked into my life..."

Something in Syed's voice made Christian look up. Raising his eyes, he met Syed's unwavering dark brown gaze. A strange tingling flew straight down his spine when he saw the smile on the other man's face. He reached out his hand, and without hesitation Syed clasped it firmly in his and let himself be pulled in. Still sitting on the edge of the bed, Christian looked up at him, and Syed instinctively folded his hands around his face. Leaning in, he touched their foreheads together, and took a deep, steadying breath. Christian snaked his arms around him, resting his hands on the small of Syed's back. They simply stayed like that for a moment, their eyes closed, enjoying the feel of holding each other.

"And _you_... Christian Clarke, changed _everything_..." Syed murmured.

He pulled back a little to gaze into Christian's loving eyes, his thumbs softly caressing his lover's face.

"I'd heard about you..., before I met you... _Jane's gay brother_" He chuckled a little. "Your reputation preceded you... I was so nervous about meeting you. Nervous .. excited... and... and terrified! I'd never before... spent time... socialized with someone... someone who was openly gay. I had no idea how I was going to react... how it would make me feel. Would it stir things up again... bring back those feelings I'd worked so hard to put to rest? Were you going to have one look at me and see the truth... ?

Christian sighed regretfully.  
"I didn't see it..."  
"No, you didn't..." Syed smiled "But_ I_ did.."  
"You … you blew me away" he breathed. "The way you were... the way you _are_, Christian... larger than life! It made my heart stop. I can't even begin to explain how you made me feel... right from the start... I was in awe... and … I envied you. So much. You were everything that I wasn't.. that I couldn't be... So confident and so comfortable in yourself, so self-assured. So... _out there_. I wanted that too, so badly... but I couldn't, I wouldn't even _allow_ myself to want it...  
And you know what terrified me the most? That... it wasn't just... _lust_. If it had been just lust I could have coped, I could have dealt with it. Been there, done that, you know. I'd been able to switch it off before... Surely, I would be able to switch it off again, right? But no... not this time... With you it was different... With you it never was _just_ about physical attraction..."

Syed hesitated, trying to find the words.  
"You... you brought a _lightness_ to my life, Christian... I don't know how else to say it. You made me smile... _really_ smile... When I was around you, I didn't have to pretend to be happy... I just _was_.  
You were …. you _became_ my friend. I _knew_ you. I _liked_ you... I _cared_ about you... And you...you cared about _me_. I knew that.

And even though I continued to lie, and I still wore my mask, and I still _never_ let my guard down... I always felt that you really saw me. Maybe you didn't see the part of me that I was hiding, but... somehow... you still _saw_ me. And I felt _real_. For the first time in a long time.  
No one ever had talked to me like you did. No one had ever _listened_ to me the way you did. You listened, as if what I said mattered, even if it was just silly banter or bad jokes. You heard me. You paid attention. I … I _existed_ in your world, Christian. You... you touched a part of me I'd not allowed anyone to touch before... Being around you changed something inside me. You were the first person who made me think... that maybe being gay wasn't such a bad, sinful thing after all..."

He sighed "You have no idea, Christian, how many times I nearly told you everything. I came _so_ close... I knew you'd understand... But I couldn't... The fear of losing everything was just too great..."

He shook his head, but his eyes were sparkling.  
"But then... you'd already gotten under my skin... I couldn't shake it off... I couldn't shake _you_ off... And the more I started to feel for you... the more scared I became... and the harder it became to fight it. And then … I … couldn't hold it back anymore... We kissed ... and... well... after that... there was no going back..."  
"No, there wasn't.." Christian agreed.  
"So much has happened since then, Christian..."  
"I know, love..." Christian said with a smile "I was there … remember?"  
"Yeah, you were..." Syed agreed, running his fingers gently along Christian's face. "You were there." He slowly leaned closer until their lips touched.

"I'm so glad I found you, Christian..." he breathed.  
"And I'm glad I found you."

Christian's hand moved up Syed's back and drew him closer, bringing him down to sit on his lap.  
"It's time to let go of the past, Sy. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that... But it's over now, it's gone..."  
He stroked Syed's back and laced his fingers through his hair. Syed laid his cheek on Christian's chest to listen to the steady thump of his heart. Letting the other man's warmth enfold him, he realized that some of the heaviness had finally lifted from his mind.  
"You were right, Christian", he whispered "that I needed to talk about it. I'm glad I did. Thanks for listening..."  
Christian's fingers softly caressed the back of his neck. "Any time, my love." he said softly "any time..."  
He tilted Syed's chin up, so he could look into his eyes, "I'll always be here for you, Sy. You know that, don't you...?"  
Syed smiled. "Yeah," he whispered and snuggled closer. For the longest time they just held each other, the only sound in the room their quiet, steady breathing.

"I love you," Syed finally said in a shaky voice. Christian kissed the top of his head.  
"I love you too, darlin'. Just close your eyes. I'm going to hold on to you really tight and chase all the bad memories away."  
"Oh... but you've already done that..." Syed smiled, as he closed his eyes.  
"They're all gone now..."

**_(*) see chapter 7_**

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_Reviews as always very welcome. Thanks. _

_Reading this back, I realize this could well be the end of the story. Everything I wanted to say... everything I wanted __**them** to say, has now been said.  
Or nearly... _  
_But... don't panic... it's not the end just yet. I still have a little treat for you (and them ;-)) up my sleeve...  
__Watch this space.  
x_


	31. Chapter 31

_**Author's Note : Well... this is it. The final chapter of "Catch my heart..." It took me almost a year and a half to complete it, and many, many more chapter than I had initially planned. I've thoroughly enjoyed writing this, the angst, the heartache, the joy, the love, and ... also the... err... well, you know what :p.**_  
_**Thank you to everybody who has been supporting me throughout this adventure. Those who reviewed, those who commented on DS, those who put my story on story alert, or favourited it... Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I keep saying it, and it sounds cheesy I know, but it does mean a great deal.**_

_**I'm dedicating this last chapter to all my wonderful friends on WFCTGIO. You are the ones that have encouraged me to post the first chapter, and stuck by me until the last. Thank you, and you're the best bunch of online friends anyone could wish for! This chapter should hopefully cheer you up at this time of doom and gloom in Chryedland... ;-) No better medicine than... well... you'll see ;-) (it's M-rated for a reason...)**_  
_**Enjoy!**_

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**CHAPTER 31**

_Isn't it amazing_, Christian thought.  
To simply sit here, arms wrapped around each other, hands entwined, not say a single word, and feel nothing but complete and utter happiness.  
He'd never imagined it would happen to him.

"I'm so happy" Syed murmured, his voice barely a breath, and Christian had to smile at their connection of thought. He squeezed Syed reassuringly, showing, without words, that he felt exactly the same.  
"Eventful day" Syed said with a sigh, pulling Christian's arms closer around him, as he settled comfortably against his chest.  
"Hmm…" Christian agreed. "A _good_ day though…"  
"Yeah…it was"  
Again they fell quiet, their thoughts going back to the events of the last few hours.

Syed stirred.  
"Sorry I didn't get you that reward though" he said, pressing a kiss on Christian's hands. There was a hint of tease in his voice, and that didn't go unnoticed by Christian. He leaned back to look at Syed's face. "_What_ reward?"  
"Oh good, you forgot" Syed smiled. "No problem then"  
"_What_ reward?" Christian repeated with a suspicious frown.  
"It's nothing, Christian... _You_ forgot. _I_ forgot. Let's… _forget_ it…" Knowing full well that this reply would only serve to wind Christian up further, Syed didn't even attempt to stifle the giggle in his throat.  
"_Sy_…." Christian sounded dangerously calm. "Are you going to tell me? Or do you want me to _tickle_ it out of you ?" His fingertips already teasingly fluttered across the sensitive skin of Syed's upper arms, and the other man squirmed under his touch.  
"No!" he gasped, batting Christian's hands away. "Okay, okay… I'll tell you…! Stop it!"  
He made a vain attempt to keep a straight face. "I said…" he chuckled... "Well... I said... that if you were a good boy today... I'd reward you... with … errr... "  
"... with a special work-out... " Christian remembered.  
"Exactly" Syed grinned.  
"And... have I _been_ a good boy?"  
"Yeah" Syed reached up and nudged his chin playfully "Definitely. A _very_ good boy"  
"So where's my reward then?" Christian pouted.  
"I told you, Christian… with everything going on, I haven't had a chance to sort it…"  
"Other stuff to deal with" Christian nodded sympathetically.  
"Yeah…_Important_ stuff" Syed acknowledged.  
That was true, Christian knew. He tightened his hug "Absolutely" he agreed, gently nuzzling his nose against the warm skin of his neck. Syed sighed his approval, and Christian smiled. "But everything's all right now, sweetheart.. yeah?" he whispered against his ear.  
"Everything's just perfect…" Syed purred.  
"So..…" Christian's warm breath sent shivers down Syed's spine. "I _do_ understand that you didn't have the time to... prepare something… _epic_… for me, darling … But... errr..."  
"But what?"  
"Having been such a good boy today… I still really, really, _really_... would like to have that reward… _N__ow_, please"  
"But Christian, I haven't pre- !"  
"Then _improvise_!" Christian interrupted Syed's protests.  
"Improvise?"  
"Yeah…improvise." Christian's hand slipped under Syed's chin and turned his face towards him. "Like this" he mumbled, and without any further ceremony he plunged their lips together. The kiss took Syed by surprise, and when their lips finally parted he gasped for air. He felt a flash of heat ripple through him when he saw the pure lust shining in Christian's eyes. A little idea was forming in his head, and before he could think about it further, before he could consider changing his mind, he disentangled himself from Christian's arms, and started to get up.  
"Oy!" Christian protested, holding on to him "Where do you think you're going?"  
Syed grinned and backed away from him with a seductive gleam in his eyes.  
"I'm _improvising_" he said. "Just stay there, Christian. Relax. And watch..."

He took a deep breath. Then, locking his eyes with Christian's, his fingers moved to the top button of his shirt, and slowly slipped it out of its hole. Just a hint of chest hair showed where the shirt parted slightly, and Christian swallowed hard. Syed's fingers moved down, unfastening one button after the next. When he got it open all the way, he very, very slowly started to ease the shirt off his shoulders, revealing himself, bit by bit, to Christian's gaze.

Christian sucked in a steadying breath as he watched Syed's nudity slowly unfold to him. The curve of Syed's smooth shoulders, that soft golden skin as it gleamed in the street light filtering through the window behind him... He felt like he had to concentrate just to be able to breathe. He clenched his fists tightly, trying to control himself.

Syed's lips curved in a devilish grin when he saw Christian's reaction. He let the shirt slide off further, inch by inch, until finally, it slipped off his arms completely and dropped in a pool at his feet.  
"Sy..." Christian groaned.  
"What?" Syed teased, "Like what you see?" Christian silently nodded like a school boy who'd been offered a treat. Syed grinned and started to run his hands sensuously down his chest. Christian watched intently, his heart thumping, his eyes glued to Syed's hands. Hungrily, he followed their trail as they travelled downward to Syed's bellybutton, then further down to the waistband of his jeans, where they idly hovered over his belt buckle. As if in a trance, Christian started to get up. He wanted to touch him, hold him, take him... but before he could even take the first step, Syed put his hand up.

"Don't," he said "I want you... to stay right there, Christian. On the bed. Until I'm done"  
With a sigh, Christian reluctantly lowered himself back on the edge of the bed. Every nerve in his body was itching to touch Syed, he couldn't wait. But the undisguised promise in Syed's eyes told him unambiguously that the wait would be worth it.

His eyes not leaving Christian's for a second, Syed slipped out of his shoes, and unbuckled his belt. Biting his lip in that infinitely sexy way of his, he slowly drew out the leather, pulling it free from its loops, and dropped it on the floor. Christian swallowed audibly, his mouth suddenly dry. It was a reaction Syed seemed pleased with, because without further ado he undid the top button of his jeans, unzipped them and slid them down slowly over his hips. They dropped to the floor, and Syed stood before Christian in all his beauty, only his tight black boxers left to vainly conceal his excitement.

Christian just stared, spellbound, as Syed stood there before him, his face a mixture of bliss and unabated lust.  
His Sy. Sexy as hell.  
"Sy. Come here." he whispered hoarsely. "Let me touch you. Please."  
He realized that his hand trembled as he reached out. With hooded eyes, Syed approached the bed and put his palms on Christian's chest. Christian closed his eyes in breathless anticipation. But instead of pulling him in, Syed pushed him away to lie down.

"No," he said matter-of-factly, "you are going to stay _right_ there and _watch_ me"  
A little unsteady on his feet, the swell of his cock clearly visible beneath his boxers, he stood back. Firmly in control now, he watched as Christian, breathing hard, propped himself up on his elbows and looked him over with rapt interest.

Not giving in an inch to Christian's impatience, instead feeling the need to tease him even more, Syed turned his back to him. He paused, as if to gather up his courage, then tucked his thumbs underneath the waistband of his boxers, and, almost casually, began to ease them down. A low growl of approval escaped Christian's lips as he watched the fabric being moved downward, revealing Syed's beautiful smooth cheeks. Dropping his boxers to his feet, Syed looked over his shoulder. A coy smile played across his face when he saw the hunger and the need blaze in Christian's eyes. He straightened up, and slowly turned around.

Completely on display now, exposed to Christian's admiring stare, he felt more vulnerable than he could remember having felt before.  
And yet.  
It suddenly occurred to him how unencumbered, how unselfconscious he felt, standing here naked in front of Christian. This confidence and pride in his own body was something totally new to him. He realised again how much he had changed since he fell in love with this awesome man.

Christian thought that he would die from the sheer frustration of not being able to touch him. The object of all his desires stood before him, naked, confident and beautiful. He was perfection - from his gleaming brown eyes to his straining arousal.  
Again, he reached out.  
"Sy, _please_… come here... don't do this to me …"

There was a heat in Christian's eyes that made Syed feel more special than he'd ever felt before. Enjoying the sensations he was clearly evoking in him, he started to move towards the bed. Blushing slightly, but his eyes unwavering from Christian's, he reached down to wrap his hand around his own cock, and started to move it slowly up and down its length.  
"Watch" he said again. His voice was hoarse. Barely a whisper.

Christian was speechless. Never had Syed looked more confident, more sexy, more proud. He felt his own trousers becoming impossibly tight, his hardness pressing against the fabric, aching for release. Almost absent-mindedly, he began to rub himself through the material while watching Syed pleasuring himself.  
"Sy..." he breathed. "You're so beautiful … I want …"  
"You want _what,_ Christian?" Syed breathed "Tell me what you want..." Revelling in Christian's stares, he felt fearless. His cock was slick and hard in his hand and when he tensed his fingers around it, tremors of anticipation raced through him.  
"_Everything_. Sy, please... come to me, now … I need to _feel_ you … hold you … _love _you."

Finally, shaking with his own need, Syed knelt on the bed. He pushed Christian down and crawled up his body. Crouching over him, he entwined their fingers together, and with a strength he hardly knew he possessed, he lifted Christian's hands over his head, effectively pinning him down. Pressing their chests together, he leaned in and started to kiss his way into Christian's mouth, savouring it, caressing their tongues together, smoothly, thoroughly and unhurried. Christian moaned under his kiss, and arched his back. His cock, still imprisoned in his trousers itched and strained with anticipation, as he felt it rub it against Syed's.

When they broke the kiss, they just stared at each other for a long time, breathing hard. Like always, even in the throes of passion, they were able to say everything they needed to say without speaking.  
"So... do you like your reward so far then?" Syed finally teased.  
Christian looked up at him, drinking in that magnificent sight, and was lost for words. Syed looked absolutely beautiful, passion and love etched on his face. It was almost too much to bear. "Oh... yeah" he breathed.  
Syed smiled at that admission. "Good..." He travelled his eyes down Christian's body. "But... if I may say so... you have... waaa-y too many clothes on"  
Christian chuckled "Tell me about it... but.. that's easily sorted... !" His hands already on the buttons of his shirt, he started to sit up. Syed stopped him.  
"No," he said, pushing Christian down again, "let me"

Pulling himself up, Syed straddled him, his knees on the outsides of Christian's strong thighs. Playfully he tugged at the hem of his shirt to free it from his jeans, then slipped his cool hands underneath, slowly trailing them up his stomach and his chest. His touch sent shivers all the way down to Christian's groin. He closed his eyes and sighed blissfully. Syed started to fiddle with the buttons, unfastening one at a time, stroking and kissing each newly exposed patch of skin as it was revealed. When the shirt was completely open, he struggled to get it off. But Christian didn't want to waste any more time. He sat up and in one swift move, he ripped it off and tossed it away. Syed was already concentrating his efforts on Christian's belt. Unbuckling it, he pulled it hurriedly through the loops, then dropped it down next to the shirt on the floor. He slowed down again and started undoing the buttons of Christian's trousers, one at a time. Christian squirmed under his touch, restlessly enduring the sweet agony for as long as he could. When he couldn't stand it any longer, he impatiently brushed Syed's hands away and started to fumble with the last few buttons himself, straining to release himself from the constraints of his jeans.

Syed sat back and laughed softly, waiting for him to finish. Christian grinned back and raised his hips, allowing Syed to tug his jeans down over his hips and slide them off, dragging his boxers with them. Syed couldn't resist trailing his fingertips lightly down the other man's legs as he did so. He sat back to admire his naked lover. Christian's hair was in disarray, his eyes shone with expectation and lust, and his erection lay firm against his stomach. Syed moved up, leaning in, until their eyes were at a level again.  
"Close your eyes, darling," he instructed softly, just loud enough for him to hear. Christian fought with the desire to keep them open. He never wanted this sexy, wild Syed to disappear from his gaze. But in the end he bent to his wishes.  
"Lie still," Syed muttered.  
He began to kiss Christian's neck, across his collarbone and down his chest, teasing his nipples with his tongue. Drawing a gasp from Christian's lips, he slowly worked his way down, planting kisses along the strong stomach muscles. He kissed, and nibbled and sucked right to where Christian's erect cock twitched in desperate anticipation. Gently Syed took hold of it, held it in his hand, loving the heat and the weight of it, and softly stroked it until it strained even more in his grasp.  
"Sy," Christian hissed. " ahh... that... that's _so_ good..." He pushed his hips upward.

It took Syed's every effort to pull back. It was getting harder by the second to control his desire. But he had no intention of rushing this. He leaned forward, and pressed his body completely flush against Christian's, until they touched from head to toe. A shiver rippled through them both as they lay together, skin to skin.  
"Do you feel me, Christian?" Syed breathed against his ear. "Do you feel my body touching you all over?"  
"I feel you" With a sigh Christian fluttered his eyes open. Feeling the overwhelming need to touch him, he ran his hands over Syed's bare back.  
"It's _yours_," Syed whispered huskily. "I'm all yours, Christian" He shuddered under Christian's gentle hands.  
"So... What do you intend to do with me?" he whispered.  
Christian didn't reply.  
"Lost your tongue, have you...?" Syed teased. "Come on... Tell me, Christian. What do you want?"

With a pensive look on his face, Christian tilted Syed's head so that he could see his eyes.  
"_Everything,"_ he said quietly, delicately stroking one finger down his jawline. He lifted himself up and lightly pressed their lips together. "I want _you_..."  
He hesitated only for a second. His voice was low. "... inside me..."

Syed pulled back a fraction, a sudden anxiety shining in his eyes "Wha...?" he breathed.  
Christian looked at him lovingly. "I said, I'd love to have you _inside_ me, Sy" he repeated.  
"But..." Syed swallowed "we never... it's always.. I thought..."  
"What did you think, luv?"  
"I thought you … just... that you... liked being... top" Syed said, feeling a blush of embarrassment creeping over his face.  
"I do. I like both" Christian smiled.  
"But... But you never said..."  
"I know. I waited for you... I wanted you to be ready" He caressed the frown from Syed's forehead "But it's okay if you're not, Sy. If you're not comfortable with it... we really don't have to... It's just... " He tried to find the words "I really want you to know how it's like... to be _inside_ the person you love... to be connected so completely, to be _part_ of each other and...to _know_ you belong together. It's a feeling that can never be trumped by anything, Sy... The warmth, the connection, the intimacy... There is absolutely nothing that can match it."  
The intensity in his voice was almost hypnotizing to Syed. He couldn't look away. "I... I don't know." he breathed. He'd always been so used to Christian taking control... and now... He had to admit, he _had_ thought about it... of course he had... but he'd been too shy to mention it. And in the end, he'd always trusted in Christian to take the lead.  
"What...what if I hurt you?" he asked, his voice quivering.  
Christian put a finger on his lips.  
"You won't. Trust me. Just let love do its magic." he said, then kissed him. "It's going to be all right, darling. Don't be afraid."  
"I... I'm not afraid, Christian... It's just... I've never…you know... I've _never..."_  
_"Never...?"_  
_"No..._ ! I mean... yes... once... well, twice I guess... but...I... I didn't... it wasn't..." Syed felt the heat of his blush sweep over his face at the memory. "It wasn't... _nice"_ he croaked.  
"That's only because... it wasn't with the right person..." Christian whispered, framing his face in his hands. "This is you and me, Sy... this is _right_... And it will be beautiful." Seeing the hesitation in Syed's eyes, he hurried on to reassure him "But if you're not ready, darling... we can wait. We don't have to... "

Christian thanked himself silently for sounding so calm. He was trying to act as if this wasn't a big deal, but it was. There was nothing he wanted more. He was desperate to feel Syed inside him at last, to feel himself tightening around him... And he knew that as soon as Syed would experience that feeling, all of his nerves would be gone too. He'd love it. Christian was sure of it.  
Syed's heart fluttered nervously, but looking down into those loving, patient eyes, something inside him gave way. How he adored this man. He trusted him – he would trust him with his life. And he wanted to feel what Christian described. Know what it was like. He really did.  
Reaching his decision, he took a deep breath.  
"I want to," he said "I'm ready."  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah... I'm sure..." but his voice wavered slightly.  
"Don't be nervous, my love, I'll talk you through it." Syed nodded gravely, and Christian soothingly touched his flushed face. "We're going to do this one step at a time... okay?" he whispered. "And...if at any time you want to stop... you just say so, yeah...?" Syed nodded again, this time more confident, and he leaned in. Their lips locked in a kiss that was full of promise. It made Syed forget all his fears and doubts.

When their mouths parted, Christian looked up in Syed's sparkling dark eyes, and shivered, realizing how badly he wanted this. He took one of Syed's hands in his and squeezed it. "Prepare me?" he asked in a husky voice. "Please?" Not breaking eye contact, he took Syed's slender fingers in his mouth, and sucked them in deeply. Syed's eyes widened. Christian's lips around his fingertips shot a ripple of pleasure all the way down to his groin. "Yeah," he breathed. This he could do. This was still in his comfort zone. Though they hadn't done it often, it wasn't the first time they had experimented with this. He knew what to do.

Withdrawing his now wet fingers from Christian's mouth, he reached down and slowly eased a finger inside. Christian gasped at the sudden intrusion, but his legs slid apart instinctively and soon he relaxed under Syed's ministrations. Syed knew he must be doing something right, because Christian was smiling at him, looking as happy and as turned on as he was feeling himself. His moans and sighs spurred Syed on and gave him confidence. He relaxed slightly. Everything felt right, and good, and…

"Another..." Christian choked. Syed bent down to kiss him again. As he did, he inserted a second finger, stretching the muscle further. Christian moaned into Syed's mouth as he felt his fingers moving in and out, teasing and stroking against him. When he felt them brush against his most sensitive spot, a tremor of pleasure moved through Christian's body. His breath hitched, and he broke the kiss for a moment. But he'd hardly even exhaled, before Syed's lips claimed his again.  
Christian's cock twitched desperately under the onslaught of sensations, and instinctively he reached down to touch himself. Syed smiled at that, and encouraged by Christian's obvious enjoyment, he pushed a third finger inside. Christian's whole body tightened and shook. Not being able to stand it much longer, he let out a low groan.  
"Sy..." he begged. "Please."  
"Soon," Syed promised, his fingers pressing, stroking and stretching "I need to prepare you."  
Christian shook his head. "I _am_ ready. I'm _more_ than ready... Please Sy... _now,_" he moaned. "_Please_…" He knew he sounded helpless and needy but he couldn't help it, and he didn't care.

After a few more deliberate strokes, Syed reluctantly withdrew his fingers. Christian whimpered slightly at the loss of contact, but he knew things were about to get even better. Much, much better. Trying to steady his nerves, Syed knelt down between his thighs. Christian could tell that he was still hesitating, and he reassuringly wrapped his arms around his back. "It's okay… Please, Sy. I want you. _Please_."

Finally he felt Syed's tip pressing against him. "Ready?" Syed breathed, and nervously reached out to take of Christian's hand in his, linking their fingers together. Christian nodded encouragingly. Their eyes locked and Syed pressed forward and slowly eased into the tight heat of Christian's body. Christian made a small sound of discomfort, and shut his eyes tightly. Syed stopped immediately.  
"Are you all right?" he asked anxiously.  
"Yes... _yes..._ keep going," Christian breathed out "Don't stop". He moved his hips, so that Syed was able to slide into him more easily.  
Cautiously inching forward, he slowly sank deeper into unfamiliar territory. The heat and tightness that surrounded him was unbelievable. The pressure was intense, and Syed needed to concentrate on his breathing to regain some form of control over his own body. The feeling was so powerful he thought he would come right there and then. It took him every ounce of willpower and concentration not to.

When he was inside to the hilt, he paused and leaned his forehead against Christian's, giving them both a chance to adjust to the feeling.  
"So … _good…"_ he panted, "you're so... tight..."  
Christian allowed himself to release the breath he hadn't even been aware he'd been holding. "Yeah..." he moaned. "Oh Sy... You feel amazing... "

He moved his hands lightly up an down Syed's back and felt him quiver, felt his soft skin tingle underneath his fingertips. Tipping his hips a little more, he felt Syed slip even deeper inside him. The sensation caused him to gasp again. He couldn't keep still anymore. "I need you to move, Sy... Please... _Move_... this is killing me..."  
"Help me" Syed whispered. Christian put his hands around Syed's waist to help guide his body's movements. And with that, Syed found his confidence. Withdrawing almost completely before pushing back in, he felt Christian's body relax against his. They soon found a steady rhythm that pleased them both, and bit by bit, at Christian's encouragement, Syed began to speed up his strokes. As their bodies steadily rocked harder against the other, their hands found each other again on the pillow near Christian's head, their fingers threaded together, holding on tightly.

"Chris-ti-an…" Syed whimpered, his head falling forward onto Christian's shoulder as they moved together.  
"Sy... you feel _so_ good..." Christian groaned through clenched teeth.

Somewhere in his fogged subconscious, Syed felt Christian disentangle a hand to reach down between them and touch himself again. As his hand instinctively closed around his cock, Syed covered it with his own, and entwining their fingers again, they began stroking Christian's erection together, in time with Syed's thrusts.

Syed loved the moans of pleasure Christian was emitting. They only turned him on more. Christian hadn't been wrong. There really wasn't anything better than this. His whole body felt as though an electrical charge was coursing through it, every single one of his nerve endings felt more alive, more sensitive than they ever had before. Ripples of ecstasy raced through him when he felt Christian's inner muscles contract around his aching cock. He could feel himself reaching the edge already.  
"Christian...I'm so close," he panted.  
Desperate to prolong the pleasure, he clenched his eyes shut, trying to hold back.  
"Let it happen," Christian growled softly into his ear.

And Syed gave in, surrendered to the sensation. Arching his back, he threw back his head and released deep inside Christian. He was trembling over his entire body, and his screams of joy bounced off the walls. It was the most intense orgasm he had ever experienced. As his body shuddered again and again, he clutched Christian's hands firmly, moaning his name over and over... Enraptured, Christian gazed at his beautiful boyfriend trembling above him. His heart skipped a beat. He loved watching Syed come. His complete abandonment was a thing of beauty. It was too much. Suddenly he was coming too. A flush of heat raced through him, and for a moment, he couldn't see, couldn't think, all he felt were the stars exploding in his body.

Exhausted, Syed fell forward and collapsed onto his chest. Christian wrapped his arms around him, and slowly rolled them onto their sides, relishing in the feeling of Syed still inside him. They were both panting heavily, holding onto the other with every bit of strength they had left. Christian nuzzled Syed's neck "Don't pull back," he whispered in his ear. "Just let it slip out"  
They waited breathlessly. Syed made a little mewling sound when his softened cock finally, reluctantly, slid out of Christian. A long moment stretched between them, where everything was still.

Fighting his way back from oblivion with an effort, Syed forced his eyes open, and managed a shaky smile. "Wow," he breathed.  
Christian chuckled a little "Back to your eloquent self, I see" he said, combing his hands through Syed's tousled hair.  
"Oy!" Syed laughed, and thumped him lovingly "You weren't so talkative yourself a minute ago, mister...!" He laid his head on Christian's chest. "You okay?" he murmured.  
"I'm feeling wonderful." Christian chuckled softly, "Tired … and a little sore but..."  
Alarmed, Syed raised his head. "Did I hurt you?" he asked worriedly.  
"No! No, Sy! You didn't... you were amazing..." Christian reassured him. "It was _beautiful,_ just like I knew it would be... " He smiled. "Besides... Sore is kind of nice."  
Syed gave him a curious look. "How can soreness be nice?" he asked, unconvinced.  
Christian drew a finger over Syed's jaw.  
"Because it's _you_... And you _know_ what if feels like too, that nice soreness... Don't you, Sy?"  
A corner of Syed's mouth turned upward in a lopsided smile. "Yeah..." he admitted with a shy grin.  
"I guess I don't have to ask if you enjoyed it, do I...?" Christian chuckled "You're looking rather pleased with yourself, I have to say... "  
Syed looked at him with a naughty twinkle in his eyes "Well... I _am_... I just learnt a new trick, didn't I ?"  
A bubble of laughter rose from Christian's throat."Oh _did_ you now... ? A _good_ one I hope..."  
"Yeah, definitely..." Syed nodded "A brilliant one ... But... errr..."  
"What...?"  
"I think I'm going to need a bit of practice... "  
Christian laughed out loud. "Oh _that_!... Well," he said, and pulled Syed in for another kiss, "I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement..."

Later, as they lay together in a tender embrace, shutting out the rest of the world around them, Christian soothingly ran his hand across the curve of Syed's back. The damp sweat that glistened on their bodies chilled them both, and he pulled up the sheet to cover them. Syed lay perfectly still, except for his hands, which curled and uncurled against Christian's chest, lightly tracing the swirls of hair there.  
He looked up into Christian's startling green eyes. "I didn't know who I was before you came along" he admitted softly, "And now I do"  
For some reason, this hit Christian hard. These few simple words seemed to be more intimate, so much more meaningful than any of the many 'I love yous' they had ever shared. He swallowed away the lump in his throat and tightened his arms around his beautiful lover.  
"I love you, my darling. So, so much" he whispered.  
"And I love you, Christian" Syed sighed, "Always will."

Lying here in Christian's arms, whispering sweet nothings to each other, Syed felt completely at peace. He heard Christian's breathing deepen and his heartbeat slow down, and knew he was drifting off to sleep. He sighed contentedly.

_Isn't_ _it amazing_, he thought, as he gazed at Christian's sleeping face.  
To simply lie here, wrapped around each other, bodies entwined, not a word spoken... and feel nothing but complete and utter happiness.  
As he fluttered his eyes closed, and sleep overcame him, a final thought passed through his mind. He smiled.

He'd never imagined it would happen to him.

But it did.

+ + + + THE (HAPPY) END + + + +

_**A/N So... done! Feeling a bit sad... end of an era, and all that...**_

_**I'd really be tremendously grateful if for this last chapter, you'd do me the honour of sending me a review. Don't worry if you don't know what to say... but if you liked this chapter, or another one, or even this fic in its entirety, I would be so happy if you could let me know. Even just saying what your favourite part was will help me with future attempts at fic... So thanks in advance. **_  
_**Thank you again, everybody, for all the support. It's been great! **_

_**For those interested, this won't be my last multi-chapter Chryed fic... so watch this space ;-) **_


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